do you catch yourself walking on eggshells with your stepkids?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I try to evaluate from time to time wether I am doing something (or not doing something) as the stepmom, because their mom has BPD and makes everything complicated or what my motives are.

For example. We have promised my stepsons to make a photo book of our summer visit adventures. Now however i am having second thoughts as we are heading to court right now and visitation is back on the table (BPDmom saying that my stepsons always come back traumatized and sick and that they should just not come to our home, but my DH should always travel to their hometown/home state).
I am second guessing myself wether the photo book will be "used" to show how "horrible" my stepkids have it with us. In real life of course the pictures only tell the story of what a fantastic summer the boys had. But in BPD land it could be twisted to something... .

Another example is that I believe BPDmom has some OCD issues (afraid of dirt). My stepsons are totally picking up on that. So when they come to our home I usually just let them be "dirty" (eg. don't remind them all the time to wash their hands).

Sometimes I really hate that I am second guessing myself and even though I am always reminding DH to stop walking on eggshells I catch myself doing it.

[soundofmusicgirl]

I try to evaluate from time to time wether I am doing something (or not doing something) as the stepmom, because their mom has BPD and makes everything complicated or what my motives are.

For example. We have promised my stepsons to make a photo book of our summer visit adventures. Now however i am having second thoughts as we are heading to court right now and visitation is back on the table (BPDmom saying that my stepsons always come back traumatized and sick and that they should just not come to our home, but my DH should always travel to their hometown/home state).
I am second guessing myself wether the photo book will be "used" to show how "horrible" my stepkids have it with us. In real life of course the pictures only tell the story of what a fantastic summer the boys had. But in BPD land it could be twisted to something... .

Another example is that I believe BPDmom has some OCD issues (afraid of dirt). My stepsons are totally picking up on that. So when they come to our home I usually just let them be "dirty" (eg. don't remind them all the time to wash their hands).

Sometimes I really hate that I am second guessing myself and even though I am always reminding DH to stop walking on eggshells I catch myself doing it.

[Nope]

Hi there fellow step mom!

I think we owe it to ourselves to live our lives and show the kids what "normal" looks like. I would absolutely put together a book of fun vacation pictures for the kids, but I don't think I'd send it back to BPDm's home. In my experience with this sort of thing it would go missing at best. At worst she would make the kids feel badly for enjoying their time with you and that could lead to alienation and ramping up the drama going forward.

[catclaw]

Hey!

We actually made one of those books for my ss for his birthday. It includes all the activities we had in the past year. We did this particularly because ss twists memories a lot - like stating that we never do fun things, his mom is the one who always takes him on vacation and does all the things (all of which isn't true, but god knows what she tells him). He loved it and was able to fet some memories straight.

We have a policy of "presents from our side stay in our home" - in the past, gifts were resold by BPDm with no replacement for ss. That's why we established this rule. Ss tried to bend it sometimes, but we stay very clear in this. So i wpuld definitely agree with nope.

But i know what you mean. We walk on eggshells with ss all the time. Once we stated that there are no secrets in this home and he can totally tell his mom about everything we do if he wants to (he's told by his mom to keep lots of things going on in her home secret). Turns out, he strsight up lies to his mother about how we mistreat him, hiw he gets punished every day and how we shout at him for nothing (all of which isn't true either). We now try to kind of "walk on eggshells" around this topic, as we can't act naturally anymore because we don't know what this or that situation becomes at her home.

[Panda39]

Hi soundofmusicgirl,

I'm with the others do the photo book.  Your instinct to make the book is a good one and I believe you wouldn't have given it a second thought if the kids had a more mentally healthy parent.  Yes, we have to be aware of these kids' BPD parent and the problems that exist there but our focus should be on the kids not their disordered parent.

I also want to second keep the book at your house it does not need to be shared with their mother.  You are probably correct in the assumption that it will trigger her. 

I just went to a High School Football game with my SO and his daughters and we took some pictures and posted some on Facebook.  The girls' uncle posted something like "nice looking family" and you guessed it uBPDmom who was supposed to meet the younger daughter for coffee the next day called and asked her if she still wanted to go or was she going to spend time with "her family".  My SO's daughters are older D20 and D16 and they know their mom has issues so she was able to handle this on her own and yes they still went out for coffee.  It was a pain in the butt however it didn't change the fact that we had a really fun time at the game.  It's a balance of living your life and not triggering mom if it reasonable not to, sometimes you're just going to though.  You can't live your life walking on eggshells because then you become just as dysfunctional as they are.  It's about living your life in spite of what mom is doing.  You can't control her, her thoughts, her feelings, her reactions to things those things are up to her.  You can only control you and what goes on at your house keep your focus there and create an alternate reality for those kids, show them another way to live.

Panda39

[soundofmusicgirl]

Thank you for the feedback.

Yes, I agree. The focus needs to be on the kids rather then their disordered parent.
We will most likely keep the photo book at our house. Unfortunately due to the distance our parenting plan is that we only see the boys during their school breaks. I had wanted them to take something home to remember their time with Dad.

In the past we have kept some things at our house (toys they will use regularly, clothing that we bought), but we have also always made sure they have a little something to take home. Last christmas was their first visit in our home. Of course BPDmom told them that they would not be able to take any of their presents they get from us home with them. Which of course is a horrible thing. So we emphasized that everything that is wrapped under the tree is for them to take home. (which they then excitedly told BPDmom and told her that she was wrong ... he he...
And yes, it goes without saying that any and all gifts we (or my DH's extended family) gives them end up "disappearing" magically.

In this case though I think we will make the picture book and just have it as a "story book" laying out for them when they come and occasionally tell them that we like to look at it and remember the times we spent with them.


 

[livednlearned]

I think walking on eggshells is contagious  

I do it with my SO's middle daughter and have to regularly check myself.

People with BPD tend to see things a few inches off the ground. It's tempting to get right down to the same level. We (non-BPD) are much better at seeing the 30,000 foot view. It's not uncommon for me to find myself 4 inches off the ground and have to remind myself, oh. Yeah. I can see the big picture.

And you're in legal season, sounds like. Probably everyone is a bit jumpy and nervous. It's a lot of cash walking out the door, we give up a lot of control, and the outcomes are uncertain. Plus, it's about the well-being of kids. All of that together can make anyone feel jacked up and eggshelly.

For what it's worth, I limit how much communication I have by text or email with my SO's D19, and I don't tell her very much about my life. I know she likes me, and I also know she will throw me under the bus in a second to appease her uBPD mom. Even though we're all clear of legal drama, I feel better knowing that I'm not subjecting me or my S15 to that kind of viciousness.

You are taking care of yourself, and have good instincts, even if there is a beat or two while you second guess. It's human