mother with BPD traits

[collyflower]

Me, 32 (F), my sister, 27 (F) with a newborn. Last night, after another dramatic, emotional and stressful incident with my mother, my sister found articles about BPD. We were shocked at how closely some of the characteristics and symptoms have mirrored our mother's actions over the years... .looking for advice/guidance/etc.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome collyflower:  
I'm sorry that you and your sister have difficulty with your mom.  Has your mom ever been treated for any mental condition - perhaps depression or anxiety?  Can you share some details about the most recent dramatic event?

There are links to is a lot of helpful information to the upper right of this post.  Some of the first few, at the top, will help define BPD. The additional links below could, also, be helpful (click on the green words):
FOG
BOUNDARIES

I think you will find that by setting some firm boundaries and learning some communication strategy, you can better manage your interact and reactions to your mom.  You can't change her, but a better understanding and strategy to use with your mom can make your lives better.

The JADE tutorial could be helpful (don't justify, argue, defend or explain).  Click on the green words. AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

Check out some of the above links and let us know what you think.

[Sunfl0wer]

Just wanted to join NN in welcoming you!

I couldn't resist cause your name made me laugh, thx!

It is hard to add anymore to what NN has posted, she covered basic and where to get started quite effectively, succinctly!

(Oh, my mom and sister both have BPD, along with several other character in my life's journey)

[collyflower]

Thanks, NN and Sunflower!

Yes, my mother has been diagnosed with depression years ago and is on medication. She also self-medicates frequently with alcohol, which creates a whole other host of problems. (from what I've read, comorbidity with BPD and alcoholism is common). She's also extremely sensitive, and can take any mild thing someone says as a deep personal cut, even if it wasn't at all meant to be offensive. She's always said how she "feels things deeply"

I do appreciate the link for avoiding circular arguments read it several times, and forwarded it to my sister, let's call her Chelsea, whom without, I would feel incredibly alone in dealing with my mother's emotional flare-ups.

Growing up, my mother didn't drink (she clearly realized that it would create a very toxic stew), but she was prone to damaging fits of rage, over nothing (she thought I left the outside door open a crack, she was upset that my father accidentally woke her up getting into bed, etc.) I honestly can't even remember the cause of most of her episodes, but they were so so so out of proportion to how a normal person acts, they were beyond troubling. She picked fights with my (very easygoing) father constantly. She chased Chelsea and I around the house and yard screaming, and trying to hit us. We got spankings and bars of soap shoved in our mouths when we used bad language, and it was all done with such an out-of-control aggression. She'd back us into a corner and push her face mere inches from ours, beet red, spittle flying as she screamed. The next day, or later that day, she'd be totally normal, loving, kind, helpful, considerate.

After a fight with my father, on halloween night, she kicked him out of the house, and unbeknownst to me, removed the key we always had hidden outside. I also didn't know she didn't have her keys with her, and as we left to go trick-or-treating, I checked the door was locked (like I'd been taught) and pulled it shut behind me. That was enough to cause her to turn on me with the wrath of a thousand suns. She started screaming about how stupid I was to shut the door and what was wrong with me and look what I've done now. I remember crying silently beneath my feathered bird mask (if we cried too loudly, we could be mocked for being overly dramatic), head lowered, shoulders shaking, wanting to be a million miles away, with nothing to do but shoulder her yelling and the cruel things she screamed. She had to break a window with a rock to get back inside, and for the next week until it was fixed, whenever I passed it, I was reminded what a f***up I'd been. The candy I collected that night tasted bitter in my mouth.

This latest incident was on halloween as well. She had planned to take my cousin and her friend trick-or-treating in my sister's neighborhood (and that was really nice of her - she didn't have to do it, it was a work night, but she knew my cousin would really enjoy seeing her on halloween). She showed up drunk at my aunt's house. (Could hardly stand, my aunt said) My aunt had to drive them all to Chelsea's instead and they blocked her from seeing the newborn, because Chelsea has said won't allow her to see him after she's been drinking. After trick-or-treating she left quietly enough, if seething. The next day, Chelsea called me crying. Our mother had called her several times, screaming vile things to her, that it was Chelsea's fault she drank, her fault she and her boyfriend broke up, that Chelsea is a judgemental "queen" etc, that she only had half a glass of wine that night, that I was the only one who understood her, and that I am on her "side" - Chelsea said our mom kept dragging my name into the argument - trying to drive a wedge between us? After another day of nasty voicemails, she sent Chelsea an email saying "I'm slow to learn, but now I know that any amount of alcohol I drink is too much. I love you so much and I never want to hurt you." So she got that switch back to being very kind and understanding... .It's hard to predict what will set her off, for how long, and what she'll say when she's upset. It's draining, depressing, anxiety-causing, and just downright terrible... .

I always feel guilty when I complain about her, though, because she has done so much and given me everything I have and I know she'd take a bullet for me in a heartbeat. It's a confusing and distressing dichotomy.

[mimi1977]

I completely understand. It's as if my mother is the most wonderful person in the world at times... .buys me things, takes care of me if I need it and I know would take a bullet for me too but then all the other "stuff" the exhausting stuff is just too much to take. So then comes the guilt. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you can find some answers here. Thank you for sharing your story it helps others like me know I'm not alone or crazy myself!