Hi,
I've been in a relationship w/ a woman for four years now, who I am 99% sure suffers from BPD even though she has not been diagnosed. Not only does my best friend also suffer from the disorder, (which gave me some clues) but I also talked to my therapist Monday about my girlfriend's behavior, and, although she was clear about not being able to diagnose my girlfriend, she just so happens to specialize in BPD & works w BPD patients regularly. She told me I was most likely right, she probably has BPD, (she said my girlfriend possibly suffers from bi-polar disorder as well) This might be long, so apologies but I just recently moved to Colorado & have no friends or family here, & becoming desperate w this situation. Even if I wanted to talk to family & friends about it, at this point, most of them refuse to touch the subject w/ me because they don't understand her mental illness & think she's a horrible person because of the things she has done in the past. And she has done some HORRIBLE things in the past. Most of them hate her & want me to break up with her.
Just to mention a few episodes, or what not: She offered to give me a ride to my surgery two years ago, then the morning of she flipped out on me for waking her up so early, flew into a rage and screamed at me all the way to the hospital; told me she hated me & that she hoped I DIED on the surgery table (yes, on the way to the hopsital to have my surgery) She calmed down significantly upon arrival; briefly apologized for her rage; assured me & the doctor that she'd be there for me, assured me that she's wait for me to wake up, etc. I gave her my cell because my mom & sister wanted to be updated on my surgery & she assured me that she'd take the calls. I woke up to find she was gone; cell was gone; she refused to answer my calls' my family was worried sick & said they'd been trying to get a hold of me the entire day. I finally got a hold of her that night & she acted like it wasn't a big deal and said that she crashed (she also suffers from chronic fatigue syndrome, incomplete lupus & fibromyalgia) my family was furious & so was I, but more hurt than anything. I'll refer to her as "L" from now on, it'll make this easier for me.
Last year when her physical state had improved somewhat & she could drive again, she took off w out telling me where she was going. I was worried because this is when she began insisting on driving without a seat belt & was driving recklessly. Couldn't get a hold of her all day; I smashed a painting that she had given me as a gift in a moment of anger & frustration. (She's an artist) I went to bed distraught & woke up to her in a rage screaming at me for smashing her painting. I tried to stay away from her that night, retreated upstairs because every time she came near me she'd try to hit me or throw things at my head. Long story short: she called the cops on ME, lied to them & told them that I had destroyed a painting of hers that was worth thousands of dollars & I went to jail. My family will probably never forgive her for that.
I don't know if I can ever forgive her for those two things I just mentioned. I was trying to work things out the last few months, after getting my own place & a new job & trying to take care of myself for once in a long time. Caring for her physically is a job in itself; but w her mental illness on top of that, I just got burned out. Things were ok on my end lately but she has been a mess. She sold her home in Texas to move to Colorado, & when I was in charge of her finances (she needs help w/ most things; incapable of handling bills, rent, shopping, etc.) the sell of her house was in savings & I was hoping it would stay there for her to continue to build a bigger nest egg for a home in Colorado one day. However, with her insane spending sprees, she went through all the money in about 6 months. Then cried & became so depressed, she begged me to help her again. I refused to move back in w/ her (I signed a lease & didn't want to live w/ her again anyway) but I agreed to help her sort out the mess she got herself into (she signed a lease & moved into a pricey condo that was wayyyyy more than she could afford.) She was so grateful for my help & apologized endlessly for not taking my advice to pay off her credit card debts when she had the money to do so. She apologized for spending all her money & having to ask me for help, she cried & said she felt stupid & fell into a deep depression. I was already working full time again & couldn't be there for her 24 hrs a day like I was when we first moved here together, but I still came around after work to help her out (her lupus & fibro make it hard for her to lift anything/ move much, as she lacks the muscle mass to do much.) I'd come around on the weekends too to help her clean her place & run her errands. She was terrified about getting evicted after I went over her expenses & realized that she wouldn't be able to pay her rent in a couple months, she was almost completely broke. I tried to break the news easy to her, that unless she moved into a more affordable apartment, she'd most likely get evicted. She was distraught of course, but I assured her I'd help her find a more affordable place, (and I did.) She insisted that it be near my place, and I agreed since it would make it easier to help her out. When it was time to pack her stuff up (of course, in order to save her $, I'd pack everything up myself, & rent a Uhaul for her & load as much as possible myself too. Then she'd only have to pay for movers to move her heavy furniture which I couldn't do alone; always looking for ways to save her $, which she thoroughly appreciates, when she's in her right mind, of course.) Anyway, she hadn't had a psychotic episode or tantrum since around her birthday back in mid-July, so I was surprised when I heard her screaming after I told her I needed to start packing up her bedroom. She started knocking things down and screamed that she couldn't do this again (move) because she's had to move at least four times now within the past year. But that's mostly because of her impulsive actions & refusal to follow my advice. If she had, she wouldn't have had to rent for long, as I was going to help her buy a new home here. Since she blew all her money, it's no longer an option. Anyway, I didn't want to stay and deal w her episode, so I told her to try and get some rest & I'd help her finish packing after work, every day that week. (this was on a Sunday night) she cried and begged me not to go, but I honestly did have to go and make room for some of her things, which I offered to hold for her since she was having to move into a smaller apt. I knew I'd have even more packing to do during the week, (since she wasn't letting me do it then) so I kissed her goodnight & left to my apt. I was worried because she was crying when I left, & she has been suicidal before. [[Once, when I was at work when we were still in Texas, I came home & didn't think much of her snoring & went to bed. Woke up the next morning to find her still asleep & had trouble waking her up, but she finally did, only to scream at me for leaving her there to die! Apparently she had swallowed an entire bottle's worth of xanax & it wasn't enough to kill her but she was loopy for days & refused to see a doctor]] Anyway, I texted her that I made it home alright & to please not take more meds than necessary (I was worried) she assured me she wouldn't and texted goodnight, I love you, etc. The next morning, on my way to work, I realized halfway to my car that I forgot my keys in my apt! so I was locked out of my apartment & my car. Luckily I had my phone & wallet, so I told my boss the situation & told him I'd run over to L's apartment to get my extra set before coming into work, he said no worries, that was fine. L wasn't responding to my texts which had me worried, but I hopped on the bus and headed over anyway. I called her, no answer. Knocked on her door, no answer, so I banged on the door and screamed her name because I was so afraid she wouldn't answer. Still no answer. So I rushed to the leasing office to try and get them to open the door because I knew something was wrong, but they couldn't help me. They offered to call a cop to escort me, but I said I didn't have time for that & left the office. I jumped her patio, broke her door to get in & found her sprawled out on her bed, barely breathing. There were 3 empty pill bottles in the kitchen, xanax, soma & another muscle relaxer, all of which she had just got filled a few days before. I called 911 & they talked me through giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation; she was in critical condition when the paramedics finally got there 45 minutes later. I held her hand at the hospital for over 24 hours until she woke up the following night. The doctors told me how lucky she was that I had found her when I did. She was confused & then sad, apologetic & felt horrible for putting me through hell, as she put it. I was just happy that she was alive. This suicide attempt was one week before my birthday by the way. If I hadn't locked myself out of my apartment, what a devastating b-day gift I would have received from her. I'm very grateful, but also, feel like I'm losing my mind.
Now here we are, just over two weeks later, and already she is screaming at me for not letting her die. I moved her things into her new apartment while she was in the hospital, spent hours trying to unpack & make it as comfortable as possible. At first, she was like a new person when they released her & I brought her to her new home. She thanked me & apologized & told me she felt like a newborn baby who'd been given a second chance at life. That was just the first night out of the hospital. Since the second night in her new home though, (coincidentally this was the night before what was supposed to be my first day back at work, having already missed a week) she has been paranoid and raging about how horrible the nurses were in the hospital. Angry that I let them abuse her and says she's suffering from PTSD now because of their abuse (they were rude and called her names behind her back but within earshot & I actually did witness some neglectful & unprofessional behavior) I know that she is exaggerating though & that it wasn't nearly as nightmarish as she is making it out to have been. Her delusions about me not being real & being someone else who took my place & her paranoia that nurses were in her bedroom and docs outside her door etc. intensified & I had to take her to a 24 crisis center that night. I was desperate. I ended up losing my job (this is the 3rd job I have lost due to these types of episodes in the past 4 years) Now she is raging every other day for trying to lock her up; says she'll never ever go to a hospital again; refuses to keep her outpatient therapy appointments. Has "fallen" twice, hurting herself when I have errands to run or things to do at my apt. I am at the end of my rope. I'm afraid of leaving her alone, even though I have already removed all the drugs & poisons from her apartment/ out of her reach. I am reaching out for help, because I just can't put up w this sh@% anymore. I already have landed a new job and start on Nov 18th. It's a better paying job, so it works out even better for me. I'm also getting back into school to finish my BA and start classes January 17th. When she's ok, she's happy and proud of me for getting back into school. Praises me for getting a new job so quickly (the same week I got let go). She apologized profusely and cried that I lost my job and said she was horrible, etc. just a few days ago. Yesterday she was screaming at me for abandoning me to go back to school and wanted to know how she was supposed to take care of herself while I'm at work. Her mood swings are becoming more frequent and more unpredictable & I feel like I am losing my mind! To top it off, I'm on probation for two years because of that little mishap w the law last year which was classified as a domestic violence case & have to go to domestic violence classes every Friday night! (that's another thing that flung her into depression and made her hate herself & she cried about me having to go and said she should be going to those classes for me). I'm just at a loss here. I don't know what to do when Nov. 18th rolls around. All I know is that I will HAVE to leave her alone, because this job is awesome and I will have medical benefits again after 60 days. Will she go to the intake appt
the mental health clinic tomorrow like she has promised? I doubt it. She'll probably fall again, tonight or before we have to leave and be in too much pain tomorrow. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. My therapist suggested I look online for some support/ research, so here I am.
I don't know how I've dealt with her insanity. Her irrational thinking; that I am neglecting her, etc. when I just have to go to work. That I'm abandoning her, when I'm just trying to finish my degree. I put my school on the back burner to move with her to Colorado, and for the most part I'm still thankful we did move here because her physical illness has improved somewhat now that she's off of all the pain meds that the TX docs had her on. I did not, however, realize that she was so mentally ill until she decided to kick the last prescription drug she was hooked on (abilify) Of course, she decided to kick it the day before I started a new job & kicked me out of our apt the night before my first day of work. That was last year too. There is so much more, but I just had to get that off my chest. If you made it this far, thanks for hearing me out. Any advice will be greatly appreciated
