it's over and i'm struggling

[Renard]

I've never done this before--participated in a forum like this--but I'm so empty: a relationship of some four years is gone in what I can only now call a nightmare. It's fresh--about four days. I'm trying to find my way forward. My now ex almost assuredly has BPD, so here I am trying to find my way because the article on surviving a failed romantic relationship was so accurate.

[tammym1972]

I know how you feel. I'm going through the same thing and also new to the forums. My live in ex of four years left me 9 days ago and is kicking me out. He has been staying with his new girlfriend who is harassing me. He also took a beloved pet of ours. Do you have someone close to you you can go to? My mom has been my steady support.

[Renard]

Thanks for writing. I keep thinking I could have said or done the right thing and we would still be together. I think that's a bit of a trap, but I all know for sure is how much I miss her. When she left she put up a complete wall: called the police and had them call me to say never contact her.

[Renard]

I'm wondering if anyone out there has any thoughts on a few questions I have: 1. Is there any way to sort through whether the love was real or was it infatuation or some difficult blend of both where the infatuation is heavier element? 2. Is there any truth to the idea that BPD's often replace their "beloveds" in advance by bridging to a new infatuation? 3. Has anyone experienced the black-and-white thinking that seems to accompany stressful times for the BPD and the lies that suddenly and inexplicably appear at such times?

I suppose my questions show some of what I'm feeling: betrayal and doubt and confusion . . .

[Renard]

I confess I'm really looking for some hope. It is so hard to live without her.

[C.Stein]

Hello,

You are not alone in being the first time to come to a forum like this.  When my world started to implode a couple of months after being introduced to the trash can I was completely lost and just happened to find an article pertaining to BPD when I was looking for ways to understand why my ex would lie and deceive me the way she did.  When I read that article it was almost like I was reading an account of my relationship with her.  I finally ended up here trying to make sense of my own feelings and what had happened in the relationship.

1. Is there any way to sort through whether the love was real or was it infatuation or some difficult blend of both where the infatuation is heavier element?

I tend towards infatuation being the predominant feeling.  Each individual is different and the amount of time together also plays a big part in this.  The reason I feel infatuation is predominant is due primarily to the lack of emotional maturity required to develop a deeper, more meaningful love.  Infatuation can seem very much like love, it is how most relationships start.

2. Is there any truth to the idea that BPD's often replace their "beloveds" in advance by bridging to a new infatuation?

In my case I'm relatively certain it is true, about 4 months prior to my final introduction to the trash can.  I think as you read more peoples stories you will find this is relatively common.  Generally speaking, borderlines need someone to attach to, so when one attachment goes sour they will seek another before completely abandoning the current one.

3. Has anyone experienced the black-and-white thinking that seems to accompany stressful times for the BPD and the lies that suddenly and inexplicably appear at such times?

Yes indeed.  This is a commonly reported borderline type behavior.  Stress is one of the things that can, and usually does, lead to an increase in disordered behavior.  

I suppose my questions show some of what I'm feeling: betrayal and doubt and confusion . . .

I totally get this Renard.  These three feelings have been the hardest to come to terms with for me, particularly the feelings of betrayal.  It will be tough for a while.  You mind will be like a hurricane of emotions and thoughts.  Seek to find the eye of the storm so you can observe these emotions instead of being caught up in the storm.

[Renard]

C. Stein, thanks. Your words help. I would call my ex extraordinarily high functioning, but because we had a mostly long distance relationship (lots of travel between two cities and lots of phone and text time) I think I missed a few warning signs. All said, I can't past two things: 1. I feel betrayed because there was no effort at working things out. The weekend that ended our relationship was just that--two days. She would not talk about anything but simply said its over for a completely false reason (that I was slandering someone I had never even met but that she was idealizing). 2. I feel like I could have smarter, more sensitive, more caring, more intuitive, made better judgements, anticipated things . . . .

[C.Stein]

C. Stein, thanks. Your words help. I would call my ex extraordinarily high functioning, but because we had a mostly long distance relationship (lots of travel between two cities and lots of phone and text time) I think I missed a few warning signs. All said, I can't past two things: 1. I feel betrayed because there was no effort at working things out. The weekend that ended our relationship was just that--two days. She would not talk about anything but simply said its over for a completely false reason (that I was slandering someone I had never even met but that she was idealizing). 2. I feel like I could have smarter, more sensitive, more caring, more intuitive, made better judgements, anticipated things . . . .

My ex also made no effort to repair the damage she did to our relationship.  Our relationship ended with a text.  The reasons a borderline will give for ending a relationship will many times not be a true reflection of reality.  I know how hard of a pill that is to swallow and it will leave you feeling like everything thing is your fault. 

It is common to be plagued with the "what ifs" ... .I have many.  The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that no matter what I did or didn't do, the disorder will always win.  There is nothing you can do to change this.  At best you can hope to mitigate the damage and manage the fallout of disordered behavior.   I still ask myself at times what if I did this ... .but this thinking is a trap.  My behavior does not change who she is, no more than your behavior can change who your ex is.

[Renard]

C. Stein, thanks for saying what you did about things ending with a text message. That's kind of similar for me--a blend of a short visit, some texts, and one or two phone calls where she would phone me to shout "goodbye" into the phone and then hang up.

[C.Stein]

Feel free to share more of your story, it helps to write it all out. 

How long were you together?

[Renard]

Feel free to share more of your story, it helps to write it all out. 

How long were you together?

Thanks for asking. We were together about four years, years that I still call the best of my life. In the hurt I feel now, though, I must say that I was often exhausted by the care I gave her around eating (not quite a full binger but she often felt she was binging, so lots of guilt and self-recrimination and talk through those hard times) and lots of talk--endless talk--about body image (which so difficult for me to understand because she is so beautiful).

All that said, though, I have known glory through her but do I ever know darkness now.

[Renard]

Glory and darkness says it well and these words finally have let some of tears out of me.

[Scyphozoan]

To C. Stein,
It's so true... .I never thought about it that way, but it helps so much what you said:

" No matter what... .The Disorder always wins"... .!
We are thinking in terms of " did he love me?, was this real?,
We are forgetting that it is as if they are " Hijacked" by this disease... .
I don't think they are doing things out of malice, or to hurt, they just don't know any other way to " live life"... .
This is how they " get through life"... .not " get through people"... .
As shell shocked as I was and you have heard my story... .
We need to educate ourselves about this " disorder"... .
Yes, this disorder makes them fall in love with you, the intensity, the elation, and the
discard... .and the fallout... .( because they are " driven" almost by an external force)
It is the reason, there is no remorse, no consciousness , no closure, but " Next"... .


I hope I make sense, it helps me tremendously to deal with my pain... .because, there is " no one home"... ( i.e him to realize how much pain and devastation he caused... .there would never be anyone home ... .)... .
I was pondering if to post it, since it is my way of dealing with the pain... .but perhaps it helps someone out there to get through it... .and it is worth it to me... .

[Renard]

Has anyone out there got any wisdom on how I respond to my fears and concerns about her wellbeing? We have split, but she called again last night. I did not pick up but listened to the voice mail (if I had picked up she would have only tried to box me into a no-win either-or situation that is not grounded in reality). She is right on the edge to already in a mental health crisis, but I can't help her now. She doesn't have much of a support network around her and she is set to travel out of the country for about three weeks starting tonight. I simply worry about her wellbeing. Any comments?

[Renard]

To C. Stein,
It's so true... .I never thought about it that way, but it helps so much what you said:

" No matter what... .The Disorder always wins"... .!
We are thinking in terms of " did he love me?, was this real?,
We are forgetting that it is as if they are " Hijacked" by this disease... .
I don't think they are doing things out of malice, or to hurt, they just don't know any other way to " live life"... .
This is how they " get through life"... .not " get through people"... .
As shell shocked as I was and you have heard my story... .
We need to educate ourselves about this " disorder"... .
Yes, this disorder makes them fall in love with you, the intensity, the elation, and the
discard... .and the fallout... .( because they are " driven" almost by an external force)
It is the reason, there is no remorse, no consciousness , no closure, but " Next"... .


I hope I make sense, it helps me tremendously to deal with my pain... .because, there is " no one home"... ( i.e him to realize how much pain and devastation he caused... .there would never be anyone home ... .)... .
I was pondering if to post it, since it is my way of dealing with the pain... .but perhaps it helps someone out there to get through it... .and it is worth it to me... .

Scyphozoan, your words about "no one home" are making me think hard about things. I want so much to believe that some of the love was real, but the ease--even a kind of disordered cunning--with which she ended things has left me without any steering points: the confusion and the constant trying to sort things is so difficult.

[Scyphozoan]

Dear Renard,
I know what a " Mind F__k" that is ( excuse my french)
I have been there, Ugh... .I am still there... .
After 3 months of begging and crying and endless pleading to just " call him" and he would leave me a lone... .I did just that... .( I ended it July)... .
I agreed to " call back" mid Oct.   ... .which led to dinner... .which led to " lets try, I never gave up on us would you move in to my place ?"... .only to be dumped... .3 days later... .with a 5 line txt... .! something to the extent of " I knew you'll never change/ Or nothing have changed... ., it was a mistake to try"... .( about 3 weeks ago)... .and 2 days later... .non stop, ( sending emails from new email account he set up, calling me at work " please tell her it's urgent"... .I even got a message it is " life or death"... .
This is when I reached out in this forum... .because of my pain of being " rejected"... .( I still don't know over what... .) and the confusion would have caused me to respond ( temporary relief of my pain, but would have been long term suffering... .- for me)... .
The most valuable advice I got here on this forum... .was... " what is your goal"?... .
I knew the answer... ." My wellbeing"... .
I don't need to understand everything... .I really don't... .( although I absolutely don't accept the way he treated me... .) in order to move on with my life... .but I took it one day at a time... .one day was so tough not to respond, that I have called in sick and stayed in bed all day... .but I didn't respond... .
Now 3 weeks out I still get pics, messages, emails ( it was a mistake what I did I apologize, I will apologize forever... .) loaded with emotional intensity... .
But then I go back to reading about " how predicted" his behavior would have been and would be in the future... .
I don't ever want to go through this again ( perhaps packaged differently next time, but the theme would be the same... .same cycle)... .
Yes, the attachment to you is real and " raw"... .I believed with all my heart that she did love you, you were not imagining and she was not faking, but they are " prisoners" of their " emotions" and make decisions based on their " momentary reaction"... .to leave you and/or to love you (to death... .as he expresses)... .

This will never change... .as C.Stein wrote... .you are doomed if you do and you are doomed if you don't... ." the disorder always wins"!... .This is when I threw the towel in ... .as I have no chance against that... .and If I continue, my life would be spent in bed, like that day I called in sick... .or end up officially "insane"... !
I am entitled to be cared and loved... .You are entitled to the same moreover to call your partner if you need validation, reassurance, you want someone to be there for you... .don't you?... .knowing that... .is she the one you can count on... .?
Once you sort the answer... .you will know what to do next and whatever that decision is you stick with it... .( either way... .no judgment here... .)... .

I hope this helps you get through today and everyday... .

Warm hugs... .( as you deserve many for being such a caring person)

[Renard]

Scyphozoan,

Thanks for writing. I am starting to put some pieces of the puzzle together, but that's kind of cold compensation right now. Your words about goals are ones that I'm struggling to comprehend because the loss is still so new and the relationship so good that I confess I would still go back to it. Maybe I'm the maladjusted one, but I do love her and I don't know how to call love love if I walk away. Again, maybe I'm the one who needs the reality check.

Thanks for saying that you believe she did love me--even if it is filtered through the mesh of the disorder. I don't believe in human perfection so I accept her quite imperfect love, even if I now live only with its memory. I keep saying to myself that the situation is not much different than if she had suddenly died with no real closure. I'm left with pain and joyous memories either way. The analogy breaks down, though when I remember how we actually parted and how I'm still getting phone calls of anger and a kind crazy vindication. She keeps claiming she has "evidence" and that the police now have proof I have slandered the man she now loves (whom I have never even met!). Like I said, I am putting some pieces of the puzzle together, but my goodness have I been blindsided. I thought if we ever hit a tough spot our love would prevail. That's where I feel partly foolish, but so conflicted because my definition of love includes commitment and trust.

Thanks for your good words. I need them now.

[baconeggs]

Good morning Renard,

I understand how hard this is.  I was with a borderline for 8 years off and on, and I've been without contact for one week now. I also think I'm much better off without her.

The first time I tried a real break with no contact 2 years ago, I went back into the relationship because I missed her and got extremely jealous.  After two years of reflection about what happened, it's all happened again, but this time I was prepared for her to move on quickly and have detached myself from being affected by this.

You say that you "would go back to the relationship".  Do you think that this is what's best for you? 

Earlier in this thread, you mentioned that you missed some flags earlier in the relationship, but here you're saying that the relationship was "so good".  What kind of flags did you miss during the relationship?

Also, if you get back together,  she will probably do the same thing again.

I don't think you're "foolish" at all.  These relationship are extremely confusing.

Take care. 

Scyphozoan,

Thanks for writing. I am starting to put some pieces of the puzzle together, but that's kind of cold compensation right now. Your words about goals are ones that I'm struggling to comprehend because the loss is still so new and the relationship so good that I confess I would still go back to it. Maybe I'm the maladjusted one, but I do love her and I don't know how to call love love if I walk away. Again, maybe I'm the one who needs the reality check.

Thanks for saying that you believe she did love me--even if it is filtered through the mesh of the disorder. I don't believe in human perfection so I accept her quite imperfect love, even if I now live only with its memory. I keep saying to myself that the situation is not much different than if she had suddenly died with no real closure. I'm left with pain and joyous memories either way. The analogy breaks down, though when I remember how we actually parted and how I'm still getting phone calls of anger and a kind crazy vindication. She keeps claiming she has "evidence" and that the police now have proof I have slandered the man she now loves (whom I have never even met!). Like I said, I am putting some pieces of the puzzle together, but my goodness have I been blindsided. I thought if we ever hit a tough spot our love would prevail. That's where I feel partly foolish, but so conflicted because my definition of love includes commitment and trust.

Thanks for your good words. I need them now.

[Renard]

Good morning Renard,

You say that you "would go back to the relationship".  Do you think that this is what's best for you? 

Earlier in this thread, you mentioned that you missed some flags earlier in the relationship, but here you're saying that the relationship was "so good".  What kind of flags did you miss during the relationship?

Also, if you get back together,  she will probably do the same thing again.

I don't think you're "foolish" at all.  These relationship are extremely confusing.

Take care. 

Baconeggs,

I am such a wreck, yes, I would go back to the relationship. I would at least have my bearings and a way to go forward. It would almost certainly be not good for me and maybe not so good for her. I know this sounds masochistic, but I liked giving all that I am to her because I always thought she was worth that and more.

Your point about the same thing happening again rings pretty true: I don't know how I would ever trust her again.

Your last point stands: I'm so bloody confused right now.

Renard.

Scyphozoan,

Thanks for writing. I am starting to put some pieces of the puzzle together, but that's kind of cold compensation right now. Your words about goals are ones that I'm struggling to comprehend because the loss is still so new and the relationship so good that I confess I would still go back to it. Maybe I'm the maladjusted one, but I do love her and I don't know how to call love love if I walk away. Again, maybe I'm the one who needs the reality check.

Thanks for saying that you believe she did love me--even if it is filtered through the mesh of the disorder. I don't believe in human perfection so I accept her quite imperfect love, even if I now live only with its memory. I keep saying to myself that the situation is not much different than if she had suddenly died with no real closure. I'm left with pain and joyous memories either way. The analogy breaks down, though when I remember how we actually parted and how I'm still getting phone calls of anger and a kind crazy vindication. She keeps claiming she has "evidence" and that the police now have proof I have slandered the man she now loves (whom I have never even met!). Like I said, I am putting some pieces of the puzzle together, but my goodness have I been blindsided. I thought if we ever hit a tough spot our love would prevail. That's where I feel partly foolish, but so conflicted because my definition of love includes commitment and trust.

Thanks for your good words. I need them now.

[Renard]

Can anyone weigh in the guilt question? I can't shake the guilt: I keep thinking I could have done better, that somehow I could prevented her from leaving and leaving in such an awful way. 

[Skyglass]

First off, that feeling of guilt youre having is a very normal part of your response to being/feeling shell shocked right now. I know that doesn't make you feel better but just know that it's okay to feel that right now and to work through all the questions and emotions you have popping up. IMO, part of why we feel guilt (coulda, woulda, shoulda) is that our brains are trying to make sense rationally of what happened. That is completely normal. However, the BP disorder does not think rationally- the person's perception of reality is verrrrrrry different from that of healthy persons. Thus, you are dealing with an irrational person's thought processes and perception of reality versus your way of coming from a "rational mind." The mind seeks to understand and make sense of non-sense.
Another thing that I have learned personally, is that I would go through the intense feelings of guilt b/c it was almost easier to know/feel I could do something about the relationship on my end than relying on the other person I was in a relationship with to change. However, like you've heard before... .the disorder always wins. And that was just a way of dealing with the inevitable... .that the r/s would end no matter what, eventually.
You are an empathetic, caring person. The person with the disorder does not have the capacity for true emphathy nor the emotional maturity to handle things. So again, you are coming from a position of caring and empathy and the person with the disorder is not.
I am 4 months out of several years in a long term r/s with a pwBPD whom discarded me.  I know that shell shocked feeling and all the questions that go through your mind. It's so very confusing. No matter what, put one foot in front of the other and take it day by day- be gentle with yourself as much as you can- even though things don't make sense right now.

[Circle]

It was a nightmare. A real nightmare. If you don't realize that's what it was, you are at risk of it reoccuring. When you can see that it's over, and wake up, you can be thankful. Thank god the nightmare is over. Finally.

[Renard]

Circle, thank you. I keep thinking of the word nightmare to describe the break up: a phone call at 2:00 in morning, the choice between a pair of no-win options, the unmooring with reality on her side, by that night, all was done and done with text messages. I remember so much of the dream that was good, but the ending simply is a nightmare.

[Renard]

Skyglass, you said something very accurate for me: I know that I could have managed things better, even if she couldn't, so, yes, that's where a good deal of my guilt arises. You also used another great word: "discarded." That's exactly what I feel has happened--I have served my purpose and have been discarded. That's confusing because I somehow thought she was so much more in terms of empathy and maturity. That's the weird part: it's so difficult to read the person who suffers from BPD correctly. I think there's some sense to simply giving up on the attempt to make sense of things.

[tammym1972]

I am dealing with all the same issues too. You are not alone. It will get better. I promise.

[Skyglass]

Renard- I also gave my partner credit with having emotional maturity and empathy. He was very high functioning and you wouldn't have known he had a disorder on the outside. But fighting with the disorder as it rears its ugly head, was like walking in a minefield- never knowing when I'd get the dark side. Its oh so very hard to wrap your head around- it's as if the person you knew mind tricked you. Honestly, there is nothing that you could have said, did, or tried to make them do any differently. You have absolutely no control over the disorder- it is hard wired that way in the brain. It is a very sick, mentally unstable disorder and we can't save them.
The best thing you can do to get through the days/weeks ahead is to read about the experiences of others, read about the terminology that comes with the disorder, make sure you get up and move everyday no matter what you do, talk about it... .

[Renard]

Dear tammym1972, thanks for your kind words. I'm being intentional about some healing. I joined this forum for one. On Monday, I'm seeing a counsellor so that I can process some of this, and I do have good friends not far away. I will also keep writing here to help find a way through.

[Renard]

Skyglass, our metaphors are pretty similar. I often told myself I needed to be up on the balls of my feet rather than on my heels when minor bits of turbulence would land. The phone call that precipitated the end of things landed at two in the morning, so I was not ready for what unfolded. That said, I want to believe that it would not have mattered when or how or why things ended: they would have ended. I have a certain amount of fear that there's more to come--smear tactics and the like--because her delusions involve me slandering someone she now has bonded to. I am lucky in that I don't even know the guy or live in the same city, so that's got me protected to some degree.