Is it really over? I can't belive this

[Flexion]

Okay, so, we have the normal BPD stories. About 2 months ago, I implemented boundaries. As I was doing so, she was sure to inform me that she'd be leaving when I "abuse" her. SO, as you know, over the last two months, I spent around 8 nights away. THings ranged from rage text abuse to punching me.

We arranged to meet up two weeks ago about business. Oh, we still live in the same house. Anyhow, because she would NOT stop text bombing the most hateful stuff, I cancelled our meeting. I just refuse to put myself in the position after shes dysregulating.

So, after about a week, we arranged another meeting, which was yesterday.  She text me in the morning to say "we can meet tonight to talk about business AND US!" Now, before yesterday,  because I cancelled( for abuse), she says we will only meet for business. See what I am working with. Emotionally lassoing me!

But, around 3, she text me that she couldn't talk to me because she had a horrible day and had to work late.

This morning, she text me "I need to talk to you!" remember, we planned to talk last night. she cancelled, came home and went straight to the room and ignored me like the plague.

so, She called me at 9. she informs me that she hired an attorney yesterday about custody of our son. She agreed this whole time to 50/50. I was blown out of the water.

the last we discussed, we were separating and working on things. She has put the veil on the therapist and painted me black. Meanwhile, she is attacking me from every angle with abuse via text. I mean I don't fire back.

I feel like she is doing more and more to get a response from me.

Anyhow, I text her an hour ago and asked if she is filing for divorce. asked several times, but no answer.

THis is major betrayal! any input? should I just give up and let her do her thing?

Any help is appreciated. I obviously love the wife that doesn't think I love her.

[flourdust]

Do you think she has really hired an attorney? They don't work for free -- can you see if she's taken a large chunk of money out for a retainer?

If she has, you probably need to do the same. If not, well ... .it's your choice if you want to start taking precautions anyway. I've found that my wife will make all kinds of empty threats and lie about actions she's taken. Only you know if your wife backs up her threats.

[unicorn2014]

This definitely does not make marriage to a pwBPD look attractive thanks for your candidness.

[an0ught]

Hi Flexion,

flourdust made a good point - what are the hard facts and what is show?

Part of what you are seeing could be an extinction burst related to the lack of reaction from your side. Maybe you send once in a while validating messages bad? Like "Ugh, you are at the moment very mad me!", "Wow, you are close to exploding over xyz", etc... No point in throwing dirt back but she needs to see that you see she is mad. Her fear of meeting you also needs addressing "You're extremely upset. Should we meet or are you are afraid of making matters worse?"

In case you send anything pace it. Take your time to respond. A lot does not warrant a response. Keep in mind you are free to set agendas too,

a0

[shatra]

Sounds like her not responding, then changing her mind, then responding, etc. is the BPD inconsistency and also push-pull.

  you wrote

She has put the veil on the therapist and painted me black. M

----Does "veil" mean a halo (is she painting the therapist all good?)

[Flexion]

Sounds like her not responding, then changing her mind, then responding, etc. is the BPD inconsistency and also push-pull.

  you wrote

She has put the veil on the therapist and painted me black. M

----Does "veil" mean a halo (is she painting the therapist all good?)

Sounds like her not responding, then changing her mind, then responding, etc. is the BPD inconsistency and also push-pull.

  you wrote

She has put the veil on the therapist and painted me black. M

----Does "veil" mean a halo (is she painting the therapist all good?)

I guess it's to say she has pulled the wool over the therapist's eyes. The therapist cannot see clearly( at this point). As we know with borderlines, they are very good at public image and becoming the victim. 

She understands my concern and lack of acceptance for binge drinking, partying, drinking daily or going out with friends during "party hours!"

Now, she calls this control. However, I promise you if I didn't have my finger on this, she would be an alcoholic. Do I want to play dad? NO! Do I feel like it's right to try to control that part of an individual? NO! But, I also refuse to stand by and let poor decisions ruin what I work hard for.

Last year, we got into a huge fight when we left her bosses party. They were drinking like college students. Again, I ve had horrible nights with her drinking.

So, when we left, I simply said "babe, I would prefer you NOT to drink on your business trip. PREFER! SHe flipped out for 20 minutes in the car. The only reason it stopped is  Igot out of the car and walked to  a local restaurant where my son picked me up. Needless to say, she got a DUI on that business trip that cost me a TON of money in travel and attorneys.

SO, I have zero patience and in all honestly, had been trying to control the drinking. But, over the last year, I really stopped saying anything, since it's always a fight.

[Cat Familiar]

I totally understand your concern about her drinking. It doesn't only affect her but it has very detrimental effects upon you and that's what pwBPD don't comprehend.

I've begged and pleaded with my husband to drink less and it's gotten to the point where I've walled myself off from him as a matter of survival--my own mental health. It's really a shame to have to "throw the baby out with the bath water" but I didn't sign on to marry an alcoholic, and I told him that was a boundary when we were planning on getting married.

You know how pwBPD are boundary busters... .

Anyway, our situation got progressively worse as his drinking increased as well as my attempts to control it. We did couples counseling which was largely unproductive, yet ultimately was helpful because a year later I began doing individual counseling with the same psychologist and she told me he had a personality disorder, but didn't want to specifically identify it as BPD. I understand that since there are also elements of narcissism there too. But I didn't have to convince her about how problematic communicating with him can be; she had seen it for herself.

That brings me to our current situation. Through participating here and doing counseling, I'm much stronger and I've learned how not to trigger him so much and how to get the train back on the rails when I see we're headed for a derailment. He recently had a "health crisis" where his blood pressure started reading abnormally high and his doctor advised him he could have one glass of wine a night, but no more and that he had to exercise.

He has been diligent about using my exercise bike, but he's still very sedentary. He followed her suggestion about drinking for a few weeks, but lately he's started cheating and heading back to his one bottle to two bottles a night--I think he's still on one, but I'm not monitoring him.

It was like a breath of fresh air when he wasn't drinking as much, but now that his blood pressure is controlled, he, like so many pwBPD who don't understand the concept of consequences, thinks he can do whatever he pleases.

Jax, dealing with a pwBPD is hard enough, throw in alcohol abuse and all bets are off. My sympathies are with you.   

[JH68]

Now, she calls this control. However, I promise you if I didn't have my finger on this, she would be an alcoholic. Do I want to play dad? NO! Do I feel like it's right to try to control that part of an individual? NO! But, I also refuse to stand by and let poor decisions ruin what I work hard for.

. . .

Needless to say, she got a DUI on that business trip that cost me a TON of money in travel and attorneys.

JaxFixGuy,

My dBPDw and my two sons all have addiction problems. I've been working with an Al Anon sponsor for nearly two years. I think I would have lost my mind by now if it wasn't for the support I've received in Al Anon. One of the hardest things to accept was that my attempts to control the substance abuse and protect my family members from the consequences actually made the problem much worse.

Right now, everyone is sober (as far as I know.) My oldest son is going on two years sober. He went to rehab in 2014. While he was in rehab I started Al Anon. A few months after he got home we both met with his substance abuse counselor. She asked what he thought of me going to Al Anon and the changes I had made to myself. My son responded, "I'm glad. When I got home from rehab I don't think I could have stayed sober for more than a week if he was still doing the same stuff he was doing before I went to rehab."

I can't take credit for his recover but I can take credit for making changes to me so I stopped making the problem worse. There are obvious ways to enable addiction and substance abuse such as calling in sick for someone who's hung over or bailing them out of jail. However, there are all sorts of far more subtle ways family members enable addiction. These were hard for me to see until I started sorting through my own codependency issues with my sponsor.

If you have Al Anon meetings in your area, you might find it helpful to go to a few meetings and talk to some people there.  Alcoholism and drug addiction are often co-morbid conditions with BPD.  www.michaelshouse.com/personality-disorder/  I've met quite a few people in Al Anon who are familiar with BPD.

Here are some links to some Al Anon literature:

www.afgdistrict5.org/detachment.pdf

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/137214-alcoholism-merry-go-round-named-denial.html

There's a lot of overlap in living with an alcoholic and a pwBPD. Even though my BPDw is clean, I still get a lot of support from Al Anon for dealing with her BPD issues.

[Cat Familiar]

I totally agree with JH68. You can't fix alcohol abuse in another person. Trying to do so just makes it worse.

It made my husband not trust me and say that I "wasn't his friend" when I tried to keep him from drinking so much. Sad to say, but it's totally out of your control and it's their choice.

However, when it impacts your life, it can be your choice to let your wife face her own consequences, like pay for her own attorney for a DUI or stay in jail. Tough love is called that for a reason.

[Grey Kitty]

Anyhow, I text her an hour ago and asked if she is filing for divorce. asked several times, but no answer.

THis is major betrayal! any input? should I just give up and let her do her thing?

Any help is appreciated. I obviously love the wife that doesn't think I love her.

I think this is part of the escalation pattern of an extinction burst associated with you enforcing boundaries.

That said, you don't know how far she will take it. She could file for divorce/custody. Regarding that I've got a few recommendations:

1. If she brings it up again, a calm response like "I do not want to divorce you, but cannot keep you in a marriage against your will." is good--it validates that she can make a choice, and that she has free will... .and it also reduces how effective threats to divorce you are when fighting with you.

2. Recognize that due to the disorder, she can threaten to divorce you all day, and be over it in 5 minutes, but if YOU mention divorcing her, it is a huge betrayal of trust. Yes, completely unfair, but also true. Don't *TALK* about divorcing her.

3. Educate yourself and protect yourself in case she does file. Post on the Family Law board here, describing the situation, especially around custody. Consult a lawyer yourself. And do this all in ways she won't know anything about it. (See point #2) You may at some point need to take legal action, but plan things out first.

SO, I have zero patience and in all honestly, had been trying to control the drinking. But, over the last year, I really stopped saying anything, since it's always a fight.

All you really can do is remove yourself (and your child) from her presence as needed when she is drinking.