How authentic is the verbal abuse?

[Flexion]

I think adding a new topic is the best way to go for this. I would like input from others that have BPD spouses.

Anyhow, do any of believe the verbal abuse from your spouses like "I hate you, I want a divorce, etc." has any merit?

I understand that many of these do NOT mean their abusive language. However, I also do not want to wait around until she cheats on me or leaves for someone else.

LEt me clarify something... .SHe is a faithful type. But, over the last year, she has been overly aggressive with telling me those things. She has even told me she wanted another man!  Now, at this time she was saying this about 6 months ago, I had divorce papers filled out and sent to her. She's never, ever done a thing with them. My thoughts, she doesn't want a divorce!

NOw,I have asked her after things calm down and she claims she says it to hurt me. I can see it. however, I also want to know how true this could end up.

Is this normal for these folks to threaten something so harsh when they're in a rage?

Again, she really does nothing outside of work and our family. I do know romantic relationships start up at work.

[juniorswailing]

I'm new to this as I've only been with my partner 3 months.

I've noticed a ramping up in the abusive behavior from not speaking to threatening to leave to the latest, abusive personal stuff last week.

It's hurtful but I'm taking the view that it's NOT personal, it's the BPD making her say things to be hurtful.

[Rockylove]

 

I understand your feeling~~I hear the same stuff when my uBPDh dysregulates.  I really believe that in that moment he feels and means every word he spews, but he definitely regrets what he says afterward.  He never apologizes, but he will make up for it in other ways, which is lovely, but adds another rise and fall to the roller coaster.  

Given that I've heard I hate you/I love you so many times, I'm choosing to ignore it when he says he hates me or wants a divorce.  It's not over til it's over.

[Notwendy]

Think of what happens when one is raging, biologically. We have parts of our brain that we share with animals, and others that control our higher thinking. When someone is raging, all those chemicals can turn off the higher thinking part, and shift us into survival. We are not so evolutionary different from our primitive ancestors. At this point, a raging person is feeling the same way one might feel if chased by a wild boar. The may say anything during this time.

I've also found that since these rages produce a sort of altered state where the rational brain isn't thinking, that what is said during the rages isn't remembered, or perhaps it is but the pwBPD has shame about it, and then doesn't want to recall it or be responsible for it. However, we, on the receiving end, tend to feel traumatized afterwards.

Using the lessons on this board, as well as realizing that these episodes were not about me, I stopped taking them personally and also have been able to reduce the incidents of them- by not JADEing, or walking away from conversations that seemed circular, and also not trying to do something to fix them.

We can choose to not be as reactive to the rages. An exception would be if they were violent, and there is the potential for harm to someone, including the pwBPD. In this case, I think it important to know when to call for help- for them, for us.

[ChangingOfTides]

I had a similar situation not so long ago.

Ofcourse in any relationship there are frustrations, nobody is perfect, and there always is something we have done wrong in the rs past that we cannot take back.

In moments of extreme emotional deregulation, the anger gets so intense, that any of these moments will be hi-jacked as justifaction by a BPD, and mixed up with projections of things that happened in their early past you had nothing to do with, to expel you from their lives.

Its this mix of truth and their own projection that is so hard to deal with, cause in a way they are right about something, but the reaction is so extreme, that its more the inner pain that needs a way to be released then what you may actually have done.

So you get texts or extinction bursts that could totally destroy you on the spot, including divorce threats.

I think in the moment they sometimes may be true, it may sometimes be a pre-emptive strike stemming from intensive fear of abandonment, it can be deep hurt or sadness that in a BPD cannot find any other outlet then anger. In many cases, extreme anger for them is the only way not be confronted with their own hurt... .

Most important thing is to give it time, to disengage from the situation, and let things calm down first.

Meanwhile try and Filter the truth in what they are saying from the projection, so that you know what to validate when you begin to get past the incident.

[walbsy7]

I think it stems from their own fear of abandonment. Once they reach consistently, they think we will realize their true self and that their " Secret " is now out. Because of their fear of abandonment, they try to beat us to it by them leaving first.  They become ashamed of their actions although they will never show or sell yet, so they think they're not worth it to us.   That is just my two cents from doing research and reading.   It is important to not take their threats, comments, and digs personally, however hard that iS.  It is also important to realize that some of their feelings may actually be true feelings, but heightened with incredible sensitivity.  Every situation is different, you have to analyze what issues they have with you and determine if there's any true reason to them

But my question is, is it OK for a non to call out the  subconscious actions of the person with borderline traits?  Call them out on their bluff?

[maxsterling]

I know what you are going through.

When my wife acts like this, I think she has lost all executive control.  She is completely out of control with her actions.  In fact, I don't think she remembers how she acted after she calms down.  That's scary.  In that sense, she doesn't mean the things she says literally, she's just mad, sees me as a threat, and does/says whatever it takes to hurt me.  The best thing I can do is disengage and not react. 

[ColdEthyl]

I have set down boundaries about the name calling so that has stopped significantly, but like others have stated I now know he does not mean it. At all. He tries to dig up anything he can to 'hurt' me, because he's hurting and that's the only way he knows how to cope with it.

If you take a step back, some of the crap they can come up with is pretty comical. For an example, my husband's ex-wife hated to be called the C-word, so he would call her that all of the time because it bugged her. I, on the other hand, don't give a fig about the C-word. Once he realized that, he went with trying to say I'm arguing like "a typical liberal" That was the best he could muster up.

(We are libertarians, and he spends a lot of time commenting on political threads. In no way am I trying to offend anyone. I think being called a liberal as an insult is ridiculous... .it's just a different political viewpoint. )

It is really hard for me not to laugh when he spits that out.

[maxsterling]

I have set down boundaries about the name calling so that has stopped significantly, but like others have stated I now know he does not mean it. At all. He tries to dig up anything he can to 'hurt' me, because he's hurting and that's the only way he knows how to cope with it.

If you take a step back, some of the crap they can come up with is pretty comical. For an example, my husband's ex-wife hated to be called the C-word, so he would call her that all of the time because it bugged her. I, on the other hand, don't give a fig about the C-word. Once he realized that, he went with trying to say I'm arguing like "a typical liberal" That was the best he could muster up.

(We are libertarians, and he spends a lot of time commenting on political threads. In no way am I trying to offend anyone. I think being called a liberal as an insult is ridiculous... .it's just a different political viewpoint. )

It is really hard for me not to laugh when he spits that out.

Interesting.  My wife throws out "conservative" as a slanderous word.  But I don't think she really uses that term correctly - she's using it more as an insult than a descriptive term.  My wife is Jewish, and takes great offence to any perceived slander against her ethnicity, yet freely criticizes and makes fun of Christians.  Between her political labeling and negative attitude towards Christians, it's no wonder she has problems making friends. 

[ColdEthyl]

I have set down boundaries about the name calling so that has stopped significantly, but like others have stated I now know he does not mean it. At all. He tries to dig up anything he can to 'hurt' me, because he's hurting and that's the only way he knows how to cope with it.

If you take a step back, some of the crap they can come up with is pretty comical. For an example, my husband's ex-wife hated to be called the C-word, so he would call her that all of the time because it bugged her. I, on the other hand, don't give a fig about the C-word. Once he realized that, he went with trying to say I'm arguing like "a typical liberal" That was the best he could muster up.

(We are libertarians, and he spends a lot of time commenting on political threads. In no way am I trying to offend anyone. I think being called a liberal as an insult is ridiculous... .it's just a different political viewpoint. )

It is really hard for me not to laugh when he spits that out.

Interesting.  My wife throws out "conservative" as a slanderous word.  But I don't think she really uses that term correctly - she's using it more as an insult than a descriptive term.  My wife is Jewish, and takes great offence to any perceived slander against her ethnicity, yet freely criticizes and makes fun of Christians.  Between her political labeling and negative attitude towards Christians, it's no wonder she has problems making friends.  

Yep sounds about right roflmao She is using 'conservative' the same way my husband is using 'liberal'. I bet a conversation between those two would be nothing if not curious

I think it comes with that black/white thinking.

[Flexion]

I have set down boundaries about the name calling so that has stopped significantly, but like others have stated I now know he does not mean it. At all. He tries to dig up anything he can to 'hurt' me, because he's hurting and that's the only way he knows how to cope with it.

If you take a step back, some of the crap they can come up with is pretty comical. For an example, my husband's ex-wife hated to be called the C-word, so he would call her that all of the time because it bugged her. I, on the other hand, don't give a fig about the C-word. Once he realized that, he went with trying to say I'm arguing like "a typical liberal" That was the best he could muster up.

(We are libertarians, and he spends a lot of time commenting on political threads. In no way am I trying to offend anyone. I think being called a liberal as an insult is ridiculous... .it's just a different political viewpoint. )

It is really hard for me not to laugh when he spits that out.

My question is... .HOw long does your issues go on with your spouses? Mine will lock herself in the room ( blame me for 'forcing her in the room'" and go at me for days on end. It's draining the life out of me.

We had words yesterday. She sent a nasty sounding text and I was pulling in to our house.I went in the room with a half smurk and said "what's up with that text?" she used that to begin her assaults. I ignored her and just finished getting ready. WHen I went to put cologne on, she says angrily, " don't spray that in here! IF you were sick like me... .blah blah blah! we've both been sick. I (wrongfully) said, " I guess I'm lying about being sick too!" I know, wrong answer. . SO hard when you're constantly being accused and not one thing is trusted.

Anyhow, she blew up because she thinks my 22 year old heard us. Mind you she has stepped behind him to shoot me a bird behind his back. Plus, has verbally humiliated me in front of our neighbors, strangers in grocery stores, bars, etc.  . I'm tellin' ya, I'm going nuts. .

[maxsterling]

Usually, there is the "doesn't want to even look at me" phase.  That lasts  day or two.  Then there is the acknowledging I exist, but still mostly avoids me stage.  These two stages are fine with me, because I am not in the mood to deal with her, either.  I'd say it takes 3-4 days upwards to a week for her to return to baseline after a serious outburst. 

Regarding your specific situation, I've learned to not address those hurtful text messages.  It's taken awhile, but she's slowly learning to not send them.  If you are going to address it, I'd suggest being careful not to invalidate her feelings.  She's POed about something (whether it is within your comprehension or not).  Acknowledge that you got her message, and that she is upset, and ask if she wants to talk.  The worst think you can do is accuse, blame, defend, etc.  Situations with my wife end quicker if I can remain level headed, let her blow off the steam, and deal with my emotions later on my own time with other people. 

[ColdEthyl]

I have set down boundaries about the name calling so that has stopped significantly, but like others have stated I now know he does not mean it. At all. He tries to dig up anything he can to 'hurt' me, because he's hurting and that's the only way he knows how to cope with it.

If you take a step back, some of the crap they can come up with is pretty comical. For an example, my husband's ex-wife hated to be called the C-word, so he would call her that all of the time because it bugged her. I, on the other hand, don't give a fig about the C-word. Once he realized that, he went with trying to say I'm arguing like "a typical liberal" That was the best he could muster up.

(We are libertarians, and he spends a lot of time commenting on political threads. In no way am I trying to offend anyone. I think being called a liberal as an insult is ridiculous... .it's just a different political viewpoint. )

It is really hard for me not to laugh when he spits that out.

My question is... .HOw long does your issues go on with your spouses? Mine will lock herself in the room ( blame me for 'forcing her in the room'" and go at me for days on end. It's draining the life out of me.

We had words yesterday. She sent a nasty sounding text and I was pulling in to our house.I went in the room with a half smurk and said "what's up with that text?" she used that to begin her assaults. I ignored her and just finished getting ready. WHen I went to put cologne on, she says angrily, " don't spray that in here! IF you were sick like me... .blah blah blah! we've both been sick. I (wrongfully) said, " I guess I'm lying about being sick too!" I know, wrong answer. . SO hard when you're constantly being accused and not one thing is trusted.

Anyhow, she blew up because she thinks my 22 year old heard us. Mind you she has stepped behind him to shoot me a bird behind his back. Plus, has verbally humiliated me in front of our neighbors, strangers in grocery stores, bars, etc.  . I'm tellin' ya, I'm going nuts. .

Mine is a bit different, he generally doesn't hold anything longer than a few hours or a day max. However, once or twice a year I might one lasting several days. I have a thread on here recently about the last one he just did and it was all about an emotional overload.

He does take care to not show his BPD in front of my children, and will accuse me of yelling just so they will 'hear how much of an ass he is' when he was yelling at me first.