Watching from a detached point of view

[Hmcbart]

I have been learning to detach myself and my emotions from dysreglations.  It's getting easier each day.  What I just went through in the last 3 days is just scary to watch.

Our anniversary was the 1st.  It ended up being her time of the month. She was also complaining of dizziness and nausea.  These are her go to excuses to get out if any affectionate or intimate situations.  It really is her time of the month, it happens so you move on.  I didn't get upset or say anything negative when she called to tell me this. She was very upset and apologetic because it's been 7 months since we've had sex.  I had never gotten my hopes up as there's always something to keep her from doing it. 

Fast forward to last night. I was cooking dinner and reading a comedy website on my phone while she laid on the couch watching tv.  She then gets up and goes and lays in the bedroom with the lights off. I go to check on her after dinner is ready.  I ask if she's ok and she quickly gets upset saying she'd rather lay in the dark than be in the room with me not talking to her.  Me cooking and reading in my phone isn't a new occurrence, that's my typical routine when she isn't feeling well.

Fast forward to today and it's one nasty text after another.  My point is this: I know why she is acting the way she is acting. She is most likely projecting her anger at herself over our anniversary on to me. I knew it was coming after how she acted last night.  It doesn't make it easier to deal with but at least I'm not blind sided. 

It's just scary to watch it happen from a detached point of view.  Almost like a dream where you're stuck on a train track and unable to walk while a train is coning straight for you.  I don't know how else to describe it.

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[livednlearned]

Hi Hmcbart,

Sorry I am just seeing your post now.

It's a big step to detach, like coming out of the fog and seeing things clearly. Like you say, it doesn't necessarily make it easier to deal with, and at the same, there is something predictable and known about it.

How do you communicate with her when she's in a dysregulation? My BPD loved one can read me like a book. It's just that she interprets what she sees in what I consider to be a very distorted way.

[Hmcbart]

Thank for the reply. 

How do I communicate with her. I pretty much just ignore her these days.  Like your SO, what she perceives and what I perceive about things is usually completely different and it's no sense trying to relay that because I've tried and it didn't work out very well.  My wife can read me like a book also. I don't hide my emotions very well, never have been able to.  lately she hasn't tried to say anything about the way I have been acting. I tend to stay upstairs with the kids and away from her. She knows what her behaviors are, I've gotten her to admit it after many years of emotional abuse. 

I think I'm just numb these days.  If she packed up and left tomorrow I'd be ok with it.  It took me a long time to get to this point and I'm not sure if I come back from here. Years of neglect and emotional abuse take there toll on you.  I should probably move to the undecided board but not there yet. If I knew I would get custody without her doing something to hurt herself or using the kids to try and destroy me I would have already been gone I think.  Numbness, that's all I feel these days.  I guess I just still have hope even though everything I have read and learned and seen says that it's a futile endever. 

Sorry for the depressing post.

[bobcat2014]

I think I'm just numb these days.  If she packed up and left tomorrow I'd be ok with it.  It took me a long time to get to this point and I'm not sure if I come back from here. Years of neglect and emotional abuse take there toll on you. 

Sorry for the depressing post.

You're getting there brother. Read that quote back to yourself, again. You are gaining control despite her knowing ALL the buttons to push against you. That's not depressing, that is momentum... .