Help - Not Sure How to Respond to this Email

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been taking time to get myself healthy and independent and clear thinking  before I try to address issues with my uBPD husband. My husband and I are kind of separated in the same house right now and have a son who is 12. Since a big blow up this summer, I have mostly been medium chill. On and off, he tries to act normally or be helpful, all the while drinking almost 100% of the time.

Last night I think he thought that he was being really great - made dinner, gave me some alone time (not really) but he was drinking and it honestly was just a normal night. He tried to be physically affectionate with me (not sex, just affection) and I don't want that from him right now and I haven't since the summer. He and I have discussed this.

I was colder than I have been much of the time recently, but not mean. He became angry because he is oblivious to what is happening with us, or he pretends to be, and he sent me this email while I was sleeping:

"This is clearly not working. Whether we agree or not, the dissolution of the household will affect all lives.  Hopefully, collectively, for the better.

Your friend,"

I'm not sure how to respond. I have been working toward this discussion and hoped to have it while my son is at camp in a few weeks. Should I have it now? He has refused to get help for his various mental illnesses and I can't live with him long term when that is the case. The only thing that has kept me here is our son and keeping his life as stable and happy as possible. My husband is mostly a very good father. However, I can't live this way long term.

Today is probably going to suck, though I'd love to wish that it's a turning point and that we can talk as sober adults.

[westexy]

I have been taking time to get myself healthy and independent and clear thinking  before I try to address issues with my uBPD husband. My husband and I are kind of separated in the same house right now and have a son who is 12. Since a big blow up this summer, I have mostly been medium chill. On and off, he tries to act normally or be helpful, all the while drinking almost 100% of the time.

Last night I think he thought that he was being really great - made dinner, gave me some alone time (not really) but he was drinking and it honestly was just a normal night. He tried to be physically affectionate with me (not sex, just affection) and I don't want that from him right now and I haven't since the summer. He and I have discussed this.

I was colder than I have been much of the time recently, but not mean. He became angry because he is oblivious to what is happening with us, or he pretends to be, and he sent me this email while I was sleeping:

"This is clearly not working. Whether we agree or not, the dissolution of the household will affect all lives.  Hopefully, collectively, for the better.

Your friend,"

I'm not sure how to respond. I have been working toward this discussion and hoped to have it while my son is at camp in a few weeks. Should I have it now? He has refused to get help for his various mental illnesses and I can't live with him long term when that is the case. The only thing that has kept me here is our son and keeping his life as stable and happy as possible. My husband is mostly a very good father. However, I can't live this way long term.

Today is probably going to suck, though I'd love to wish that it's a turning point and that we can talk as sober adults.

[formflier]

You know your husband much better than we do... .if a suggestion doesn't seem right... .say so.  There is also the wildcard of drinking... .


Hubby,

It's obvious that you have been thinking deeply about our r/s.  It would mean a lot to me if we could get together on X at blank time and discuss our next step to improve our relationship.  :)oes that time work for you?  If not, please suggest a better time.

Sincerely,

Wife...

Big picture:  I would stop trying to figure out the stay or go question.  I would start trying to figure out "what the next step is".  

Perhaps that is one or two nights a week you guys can do family things with no drinking.  Perhaps that is a couple nights a week he can drink and do his own thing... .

Can you give me some history of things that have been tried to heal the r/s?  

FF

[westexy]

Thank you FF. To answer your question, nothing has been tried recently to heal the relationship and I'm very doubtful that it's possible to heal it. This summer was chaos and crazy to the point that I took my son and left the house for a few days.

The next step things you mention are not even a possibility. He will laugh in my face if I suggest (again) no drinking. Before the summer I suggested to him that he take a trip to Florida to go fishing (which he loves) but he won't go without us and I now refuse to travel with him because of his drinking and behavior.

We took a family vacation to Florida and he ended up breaking into the owner's closet in the rental and drinking the owner's alcohol.

We have tried counseling and it makes him so anxious that his behavior leading up to the appointments is what finally drove me out of the house. Wasted and more and more out of control as the appointment would get closer.

I have no hope (today) for us being able to repair our relationship but I want to handle things in the best way possible for our son.

[formflier]

Make sure you communicate clearly.  The next step is not "no drinking".  

It's... ."let's have a conversation on Friday over a relaxed dinner.  After dinner, I look forward to sharing a drink with you" (dinner, talk, then drink)

Something like that.  Instead of telling him what NOT to do... .tell him what would "mean a lot to you" if he did, for a short period of time.

If this is too big a step, what is something you can suggest for "just a night" that is a step... .just a step... .in the right direction.

FF

[westexy]

FF - I think I may not have been clear. Requesting any kind of limit or postponement of drinking will evoke the anger and mocking. To request no drinking for a day or even a meal invites condescension.

[Panda39]

I am the ex-wife of an alcoholic and from your description it sounds like your husband is too.  Requesting that he not drink or postpone his drinking or that you drink together is not going to be effective.  He wants to drink he will drink.

From my experience his drinking is going to make it difficult to have any kind of rational "relationship conversation" with him.  He is impaired when drinking, this often can lead to arguing, and my favorite being called a liar later because he was so impaired the conversation was forgotten.

I agree with Formflier's suggestion that you suggest a good time that works for you.  Maybe see if your son can sleep over at a friend's house and have the discussion with your husband over breakfast before (hopefully) the drinking begins.

Panda39

[formflier]

Since you are convinced of his response, it is likely best to delay this course of action until you are clear on the next few steps after that.

We need to get you educated on boundaries.

We need you to clarify in your head what you will and won't accepts.

We need to get you clear in your head about healthy ways to enforce boundaries.

I also think I will suggest you read this book.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Be-Tough-Marriages/dp/141431745X

Also, if you have never read

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1478279030&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend

That is likely good as well.

Not suggesting you follow any course of action laid out in either of the books, but that they are good sources of education in ways of dealing with "difficult people" and clarifying what choices are yours and what choices belong to someone else.


Back to the idea of talking to your hubby. 

Can you give an example, with as much detail as possible, of a time when you asked to delay drinking and he responded poorly.  What you said and he said is critical.  Hopefully we can guide you to a better way.

FF

[icky]

hi westexy, i have a close friend with a drinking problem and read about the following book here on this forum the other day. i think it sounds really, really helpful. "For family members of people struggling with substance use disorder, I strongly recommend the book Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, A Guide for Families by Jeffery Foote. Another good resource is motivationandchange.com. I hope this helps. The book focuses on empowering family members. First of all, make sure you are practicing self care. It talks a lot about working with you loved one without confrontation. You can help your loved one without them having to admit to having a problem and even if they are not ready just yet. It is backed by scientific research. Many families have had great success with this approach. ". I know how useless a confrontational approach can be. I have ordered this book and am very interested to learn about a non-confrontational approach. It sounds much smarter. : )