New and so confused

[ChrisE]

My GF has so many traits and I have mentioned BPD to her.  with zero emotion she says she might. she is two months sober, has an active eating disorder, a recent episode of mutilation.  for the past few weeks she has completely ignored all my needs and all our plans, manipulating the situations to just discount anything we had on our schedule together, sometimes not even acknowledging we had plans.  I confronted her yesterday when she acted like the set in stone plans we had to go to my weekend house, get massages I booked etc.  she did not apologize or seem remorseful. Two days earlier she was excited, spent the night, kept saying how much she loves me, etc.  but when I confronted her yesterday, she simply replied that her behavior is shameful but if I do not like it I should split.  Do BPD partners have no empathy?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[amusement park]

Hey:
Sounds about like my marriage of 4 years.  My second marriage.  One day she can't love me more, wants to be my forever wife,  2 days later it's like talking to a stranger.  She has filed for divorce 4 times, dropping them all and now filed once again, a month after she dropped the previous divorce proceedings.  Read the book "stop walking on eggshells".  It really clarifies what is going on.  They lash out and it really isn't about you.  They have a disorder and you have to learn how to respond to them and treat them.  I didn't do things properly, but after reading the book it helped me understand things.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi ChrisE-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're experiencing that, the unpredictability and instability can be crazymaking.

Do BPD partners have no empathy?

Borderlines can empathize well, although a borderline also feels emotions intensely, so intensely that they become the fact, the reality, and that changes with the emotion.  And the emotions are "triggered", as it's termed, by intimacy, so the closer you get the more it seems to happen.  You sound like you noticed.

So what's the goal?  If you want to continue a relationship with her it will be helpful to read and post a lot here, learn a bunch about the disorder, and also learn the tools that those in relationships with borderlines use to function in and navigate the relationship.  

You're not alone, we understand, and take care!