Here to learn coping techniques from myself, and help my SO

[StopTheHurt]

I found this site while researching BPD, and I'm hoping not only to learn coping techniques from myself, but to understand this illness and, in turn, help my SO get the help that he needs.
Background - been with SO for almost 16 months, started out great, then turned into a never ending cycle of his belittling and breaking me emotionally, that eventually turned physical about a month or so ago. I always had him pegged as a sociopathic narcissist, but after our breakup (I kicked him out of my home after he physically assaulted me) I spoke with his parents and found out that he had a personality disorder that only his mother knows about (from what I know, she suffers from a personality disorder as well, as do many of his close relatives). They have chosen not to tell him there's something wrong with him. He will be 37 in a few months, and believes that there's nothing wrong with how he deals with his emotions.
After learning this, I made it "my mission" to be there for him... .things were going well - I was keeping my distance, but he was opening up and we seemed to be making progress toward him coming to terms with some of the things he has done. Then, his dad did something to upset him, and he turned all of that on me. He ended up leaving (I told him I wasn't going to make that decision for him) and the next 12 hours was spent with him being alternately abusive and flattering. I could have caved to his demands (which were totally unreasonable, and also his way of taking out the pain his father expressed on me) like I have in the past, but no matter how much I'm willing to help him, I am no longer willing to harm myself emotionally in the process.
I'm here to learn how to get through this for myself, but I'm also looking for ways to "control" his BPD mania - the mom in me wants to hold him, but I know reinforcing his negative and abusive ways aren't helping him or me. I know he needs professional help, but I also know he would be completely enraged if that  idea were presented to him.
Our story is far more complicated and awful than this intro depicts, but it's a start. Looking forward to the knowledge I can get here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi StopTheHurt,

Welcome and hello 

It's good that you put some distance between you both after he was physically abusive. That kind of thing is hard to nip in the bud and it sounds like you decided to take care of yourself and put safety first.

Not sure it's possible to control BPD. That's probably the hardest lesson to learn, although we can certainly control our own behaviors and actions. There are some communication skills that are not intuitive, and that can help prevent things from getting worse.

Are you still living apart? Do you intend to live together again?