My BPD has hit me with divorce

[CooperD]

Hi everyone,

Right now I don't know whether or not to jump for joy or cry but yesterday my BPD wife of just over a year flew over 5,000 miles to see me for what I was told was 3 weeks.  

I picked her up at the airport and brought her home - within an hour of being home (and her requesting i open a bottle of champagne to celebrate) she then told me/dropped on me with a huge smirk on her face that she was actually only here for the 1 day and had only come for me to sign the divorce papers.

Her complete lack of emotion to someone she has known for nearly 5 years was shocking and her actual enjoyment at seeing me suffer and cry very scary.  Are they really able to just detach like that so cinically, brutally and sadistically ? Telling me "this is the last time you will ever see me" , "don't I look so pretty" and "you lost a really great girl with me".

She has left so many emotional scars on me - last night I was in so much pain as I have invested so much time and energy into this relationship.

I am really struggling to cope but have started with a list of the things I have experienced which I really want to share as I have actually found it thereuptic to see in writing exactly what I have dealt with.

I post the below list as I hope it affirms that I am dealing with someone with BPD.

She assaulted me physically with x2 punches to my chest

She screamed at me in front of my friends - humiliated me and herself and forced my parents out of bed to pick her up late at night

She assaulted me and drew blood x3 with punches to the face whilst on vacation

She threw water over me in a hotel reception in front of other guests and staff

She threw my clothes in the trash

She threatened to phone the police and make false accusations of rape and then left the apartment to make me believe she had gone to report it

She phoned and asked about a rape kit to make me anxious and saw the state of me yet continued to say she was going to report me.

She made a comment that she had been sucking another mans cock when i asked her how her day had been

She has called me homosexual.

She has upset and called my parents names - including telling my parents i was suicidal.

She has argued with all of my friends and not one of them likes her

My parents wish she wasn't in my life.

I have given her all the things she wanted  but it has made no difference to her

She told me to stay at home so she could hit on other guys.

She has checked my phone behind my back and requested she has access to my phone.

She has accused me of affairs with work colleagues.

She has threatened that she has a private investigator looking at me.
 
She cut herself for me to see with a pair of scissors

She punched her tablet  screen when speaking to me.

She called me a ___ing dick because i would not get her iced water at midnight

Being called a ___ing dick or equivalent when i took her to hospital at 11pm and sat with her for five hours when there was nothing wrong with her

She has called me a sexual failure so many times and told me i never satisfy her

She emailed a friend told him that she had lesbian experience

She does not appreciate any of the money i have spent on her on flights / food / tickets
 
She told me everyday for months she wanted divorce

She made comments about wanting to die before the age of 50 a week after our wedding

She deprived all affection from me for months

She used my phone to create a fake facebook page and then message people

She deceived me to get airmile points

She smashed my sunglasses in rage.

She saw the state of me at night when the papers had been signed and did not even have the humanity to respond to me.

I reviewed the chats on my whatsapp and they are full of nothing but rage and anger and bitterness

She never provided a friend with the wedding pictures she agreed to take as official photographer.

She screamed at me when i made a complimentary comment about her breasts

She punched herself in the face multiple times on at least 2 occasions and i had to physically restrain her.

When I read all those things I know I should probably be jumping for joy but why do I still have that pit inside my stomach that I have lost her

[once removed]

hi CooperD,

how utterly devastating. being coldly told of divorce like that, not the least of it. im sorry for everything youve been through.

its no wonder your emotions are jumbled. you had a bond with this person, and it was a volatile one. odds are your body may go through a lot as well. please treat yourself kindly as you process this.

are you seeing a therapist? i highly recommend it. youll need a strong support system, and we will be here every step of the way to be just that.

[CooperD]

Thank you 'once removed'

I dont yet have a therapist as I have been battling through the above on my own (albeit my friends and parents know and have been desperate for me to be free of her).

I am going to make enquiries tomorrow regarding a therapist and help as this relationship has damaged me so badly (several months ago I started to plan how I could escape it - to the point of contemplating disappearing and even taking my life). I got through that and have come out of the other side - but am scared about what this next phase will be like. 

I feel like i do have some form of post traumatic stress disorder and the relationship has already had a physical impact (I can't sleep properly, I get anxiety, I have lost a lot of self-esteem, my hair has turned prematurely grey and I have lost all interest in sexual activity due to my BPD screaming about how I dont please her sexually and how useless I am.

I am ashamed and humiliated that I allowed myself to be put through this

[jrharvey]

When I read all those things I know I should probably be jumping for joy but why do I still have that pit inside my stomach that I have lost her

Be honest here. Do you really miss HER or do you miss the thought of her or the person you thought she could be. Did she provide anything good to your life? She doesn't sound worthy to walk on the same ground as you. A spoiled and crazy brat. I definitely understand that it must be really painful. Having someone like that in your life really screws up everything. This is an important question to ask yourself though... .Do you really feel pain because you miss HER or do you not feel like you were good enough to change her, do you hate that you never got validation from her, do you hate that she didn't really love you and that makes you feel like less of a person?

Start validating yourself and loving yourself because you certainly deserve so much better than her. Celebrate because now its time to find a healthy person. I would get into therapy if you have not already and figure out why you were drawn to her so you don't make the same mistake again.

[CooperD]

Hi Jrharvey,

You hit the nail on the head with those questions as when I think about it - how could I possibily miss the reality of her. I cannot do so. Having to watch her punch herself or to see her laugh when she told me she had been out sucking another man's cock. According to her that was funny and all the other guys she spoke to said to her they would have found that amusing if she had said it to them !  I dont know any man that would have thought that amusing.

What I miss is the thought of what could have been and why the good moments could not be the majority of the  time (fairy tale thinking on my part when the real cold reality was shown by her divorcing me so brutally).

She came into my life when I had just come to the end of a long term relationship with my childhood sweetheart.  I was lost and alone and this amazingly beautiful girl showed an interest in me / she boosted my ego but even within the first year of meeting I saw the flags and stupidly choose to ignore them.  Including her blaming me for her falling asleep !

She has cost me thousands and thousands, bought a property she wanted and paid a fortune for a visa for her which she didnt give a damn about. Of everything though she has wasted 4-5 years of my life that should have been my happiest and does not even care to see me suffer.

[RippedTorn]

CooperD
I could have written a similar story about my soon to be ex wife. I endured incredible abuse like you did. And why did we take it? You put your finger on it though. Just like you, I had recently broken up with my wife of 12 years. I was lost and my self esteem was shot. Also I was very lonely. My BPD woman was someone I had known for years. She is beautiful and many men were after her all the time. One even asked me: What's so special about you that she wants to be with you instead of us? I asked her that one time and she said They just want sex. But in reality, she could see that I was vulnerable and I proved it the first time she started splitting. I did not run away. I apologized for something I did that caused it. I showed her I had no boundaries and was weak and easily manipulated. When we have low self esteem coming out of a failed relationship, we are vulnerable to someone who is mentally unbalanced and is looking for their next victim (though they don't see it that way). Put it behind you knowing you can do a lot better with someone who will love you and not use you for their damaged mental needs.

[heartandwhole]

CooperD,

Ugh, I am so sorry.    That must have felt horribly hurtful. I can fully understand your pain after having been served such a cold dose of reality. I echo    once removed's sentiments and urge you to seek out a good therapist. I know there is a  lot going on now for you, and a support system, especially a professional one if possible, will help tremendously.

Please be extra gentle and caring toward yourself. This is a big blow and you need your undivided attention right now.

Keep writing and processing your feelings and thoughts. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[CooperD]

Thanks for the further input guys.

RippedTorn - I did use to ask myself the very same question "why is this beautiful girl" with me ? She was looks wise far out of my league and could have had any guy she wanted based on her pretty face.  However as you say if I turn that round and say to myself in reality she couldnt have had any other guy because they would have all run a mile after a few weeks.  She chose me because she saw my vulnerabilty and took what she could get from me and then discarded me. 

I am sorry to say I have text her and emailed her since she left yesterday morning pleading with her to talk to me and that im really in a bad place but she has just ignored my emails / and i see that she has receivied my messages on whatsapp double green tick but has not read any of them.  How can someonne just cut someone like that and not have any empathy.

Heartandwhole thanks i am trying to making an appointment to see a doctor this morning as I am feeling really low and in a very dark place right now.

[Moselle]

CooperD

Hang in there. It's an extremely traumatic experience you've been through. I can empathise with you because my ex did many things in your list too.

It will get better in time.

Did she show any remorse for her extreme acts during the marriage?

[CooperD]

I asked her if she accepted any responsibilty at all for the damage caused to our relationship and she looked right in my face and said I am not responsible for anything.

The above list I posted she is not responsible for any of those things.

[Moselle]

Sorry man. This is Borderline Personality Disorder.

Denial and projection (blame) is part of the problem.Well done for reaching out!

[heartandwhole]

i am trying to making an appointment to see a doctor this morning as I am feeling really low and in a very dark place right now.

Keep trying to get that appointment, CooperD, it's important to rally a support system around you. I know how much it hurts, and unfortunately, your girlfriend cannot make this better. This is something you are going to have to do without her, with help from loved ones, friends, a therapist, and  bpdfamily. It's a tough road, but we've been there, too. You are not alone, and you can get through this... .really.

Keep writing and let us know how we can support you.

heartandwhole

[Pretty Woman]

Coop,
   I am going to echo the sentiments of other posters on here. When you look at what you wrote, all those horrible things she did... .

THAT is the real person. You can fantasize about things being different however she showed you exactly who she is.

We want to SAVE them. It's the rescuer in us. It's the good person that was taught to help others in need and "be there" when no one else is.

Unfortunately all the love in the world cannot save a BPD who doesn't want help. I experienced the same thing you did, the evil smile. Seeing you in pain brings them joy. It's all a game. My two cents, sign the papers and be done with it. Go NC and heal. She will try to get under your skin and manipulate you, just as she did in this situation.

My heart aches for you because I have been there. You probably also have PTSD from being berated and beaten.

Cooper, NONE of this is normal or acceptable behavior. In fact it is appalling and she should be in jail for her actions.

[CooperD]

Thank you pretty woman

Yeah you are right she should be in prison for the things she has done to me.  Especially the physical violence but even more so when she threatened to make a false allegation of rape against me this was after she had purspoively asked to have sex with me because "it would bring us closer".  How can someone be so wicked to ask to have sex to make you closer and then as soon as it is over threaten to report you for rape !

I still feel in a state of panic as I have been trying to message her / phone her to talk things through ! I know that is completely irrational as she is a danger to me but im struggling to fight this pit inside of me and becsuse of that im still reaching out to her when I really know i should not be doing so.

[Pretty Woman]

Cooper: word of advise... .stop reaching out to rationalize. It only fuels that you are a "stalker". They do not think the way we do. Once you are split, you are enemy #1 and they truly think you are a threat.

Can you rationalize with a starving Grizzly Bear?

That is what I would use as an example here. She is reacting out of fear, a true fear which stems from her disorder.

It sucks, it hurts like hell. Keep posting here. Stop contacting her. Trust me. She will file a restraining order or worse.

We are here for you. We "get it".

 

[CooperD]

Thanks pretty woman

I like the analogy with the grizzly bear - there have been times when in my head I have tried to visualise her as a dangerous spider (i.e something to avoid and run from) and agree thats useful for me to think about when my mind starts wanting to contact her.

I have changed her name on my phones contact list 2 minutes ago to "the crazy BPD - danger" to remind me what she really is when i see her details.

Do you think in a few days she may reach out to me and not submit the papers ? Is that common ?

Her cruelty with ignoring me like this has hurt me more than anything she has ever done to me

I should be angry and furious but I have nothing but total sadness

[Bushido]

I post the below list as I hope it affirms that I am dealing with someone with BPD.

When I read all those things I know I should probably be jumping for joy but why do I still have that pit inside my stomach that I have lost her

well ... .sounds like a cluster B type to me...

just give your self time... .a relationship like this... .reprograms your mind!
and you will need to upgrade to find a better and stronger version of yourself...