recent awareness sister likely has BPD. I'm not ready yet to be helpful.

[Marie76]

I recently had an 'ah ha' moment and realized my older sister likely has BPD. This awareness came in part from recently seeing a therapist to figure out how to get along better with my sister while our family, together, addresses my elderly mother's physical and mental health issues. And, in part from getting absolutely blasted by her yesterday at a family meeting organized to talk to my mom about health concerns and gain my mom's agreement and compliance.

So, fresh off being verbally abused by my sister yesterday, I am not yet ready to be magnaminous and understanding. I have never had the same world view, interests or much at all in common with my sister, other than the same parents. I would never choose to be friends with her. I feel my family has never handled her bad behavior well, everyone has cowered to her like a bully and only in the past year have I started asserting myself and setting limits on my time with her, thus this blow up. I don't want anything to do with her. I'm not even sorry to say I don't like her, and I don't have a lot of compassion for her at this moment. I feel guilty for feeling that, but it's true. How long do you think it will it take for me to feel sorry for her so I can be more mature about this situation? I have a therapy appointment this week, so I'll address it here, but would welcome support to get me through to it.

[Panda39]

Hi Marie76,

Welcome to the BPD Family.

I'm sorry to hear that you have been at the receiving end of BPD behaviors from your sister it is no fun to say the least.  Your feelings of not wanting to be around her and her behaviors are completely natural no one enjoys verbal abuse!  It's okay to be mad at your sister and not what to be around her and love her at the same time... .I think that is what makes these types of relationships so difficult... .those conflicting feelings... .love and anger.  Don't be too hard on yourself. 

Since you are just learning about BPD I wanted to suggest a couple of books on the subject that I found helpful... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, Edition 2 by:Paul Mason & Randi Kreger

and

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by:Valerie Porr, M.A.

Both books are good overviews of BPD I think the first step to working on things with your sister is to learn what your dealing with.  With understanding I think you will find your way back to empathy towards your sister.

I'm really glad you've reached out to the members here, you will find a lot of people here have similar situations... .you are not alone, you will find good ideas, support and a listening ear when you just need to vent.

I know others will be along soon but I just wanted to say again Welcome 

Panda39

[Marie76]

Thanks. I did want to read and learn first from other posts, but it seemed like this list serv required I post first before accessing the boards. I'd heard about the Walking on Eggshells book before because my FIL likely has BPD (rages, abandonment issues, threatened suicide, physically & verbally abusive, neglectful parent), but my husband decided to end our relationship with him (we never called him back after his most recent voicemail rant, 4 years ago).  My family has always described my sister's anger as 'we all have to walk on eggshells around her'. I learned to never to talk about my accomplishments or happiness/satisfaction at a family gathering that includes her. She doesn't like it. I have always been a shy person and try to overcome that, but it can take just one person who seems like her to shut me down. At 50 I am only now realizing how much of my self confidence has been impacted by this family situation. I disclosed to my sister that I was seeing a therapist to help me cope with our mom's declining mental/physical health issues and my sister made fun of that: 'I don't believe in psychologists. It's all just psychobabble!'  I'm just so tired of her toxicity. I'm hosting Thanksgiving, so I guess I will have to get to work to prepare myself for the ordeal, so I will buy/download the eggshell/family book. Thanks for letting me say ugly things aloud. I'm sorry to be so negative today. I had to bite my tongue yesterday to survive the ordeal, and I'm still in that hot reactive state. What is good today, is that I have this new awareness, and resources & people (thank you) to feel better and hopefully manage family situations better. I guess I can do this for my parents, and that will be my motivation for learning to deal with her. The reality is that I have to do this in order to continue to participate in helping my aging parents.

[jdtm]

Marie - my sister-in-law reminds me of your sister.  What finally worked for me was to use the "medium chill" method of communication.  This means that you talk in a friendly matter and always answer questions but don't say anything personal or introspective.  In other words - political speak -  LOL.  Anyone listening would feel that you are very committed to the conversation, but if they analyzed your words closely, it would be discovered that you divulged little to no information.  I think there is information on this site about the "medium chill" - perhaps someone can direct you to these postings.  It does take practice but well worth it.  Good Luck ... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Marie 76:  I'd like to join the others in welcoming you.   

I'm so sorry about the situation with you sister.  The "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book is what lead me to this website.  I bought the audio version of the book and then bought a kindle version of a workbook that was sold separately.

My uBPD sister went off the rails when our parent's health began to fail and we had to work together.  Things went downhill fast.  We had both parents in the hospital at the same time.  They both passed within a 6 months span of time.  I, also, was the one who started seeing a therapist to figure out what was going on with my sister (therapist suggested it was likely a personality disorder).  My sister indicated she didn't need a therapist, even after her primary care doctor suggested it.

You are wise to gain some strategy to deal with your sister before you get too deep into health care issues for your parents.  My sister has had her issues through the years, but I had no idea what was happening when she started to exhibit BPD behaviors.  Thankfully, I hadn't had to really work with my sister on anything important, until we both had to work together with medical and financial power of attorneys for both parents and then as co-trustees from our parent's trust.  I had no idea what was happening with her and why she was so abusive.  It was a time when I had hoped that we could grow closer as sisters, but the reverse happened. 

The links below will take you to some information on strategies that can help. Click on the green words below to view specific lessons.  Take it a lesson at a time. You might want to preview them and then bookmark them (I made a special bookmark folder for my browser toolbar).  By bookmarking them, you can easily go back to them when you are ready to study a particular strategy in depth.

 A good place to start is with setting boundaries, validation (avoid invalidation) and avoiding circular arguments (Don't J.A.D.E. - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain).  

Here are some links to check out:

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
 
MEDIUM CHILL

BIFF RESPONSE



 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Oops.  I seemed to have goofed up my prior attempt to post a link to the lessons for boundaries.  Clicking on the green word below should get you there.

BOUNDARIES

[Marie76]

Thank you for the kind words, Naughty Nibbler. Hearing about your experience is helpful, and makes me more realistic, and motivated to invest time to prepare for days when my parents' health declines. It's very helpful to hear this. I've started reading the Walking on Eggshells book (last night), but look forward to reading more in the links you posted in the coming weeks. Great tip on bookmarking for easy access! Thank you for your understanding and sharing your experience, it helps me feel stronger.  It makes me feel hopeful there is a way to feel better in these situations and not spin my wheels. I'm slowly realizing that I don't really have a choice about what my sister is like. She is how she is. I have to deal with this, so I might as well learn how to do that. Upcoming holidays give me opportunities to 'practice' a safer way of being around her.

[Marie76]

... .and jdtm, thank you as well. I did find 'medium chill' on this website, and feel like I get the concept. I'll visualize it a bit and practice it (I feel like I've done this in work settings, on airplanes, and in a pharmacy waiting area when a stranger wanted to have a long personal conversation). It seems like you can honor a person's humanity, while also protecting yourself. It takes effort but less effort than recovering from a blowout.