His Mother reached out after 3 months no-contact.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Strange... .after 3 months of no contact from his Parents... .I just heard from his Mother. She apologized for not contacting me for so long and told me I have been in her thoughts. She proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions about how my life is. I wrote her back and told her I was glad she reached out, but I didn't want to put her in the middle. That her son was suing me and I am not comfortable sharing any part of my life right now. I hope she understands. I wished her well and said hopefully this will be over with soon. I am proud of myself for not giving her any information, just in case she is fishing for him. It is terrible not to trust. She usually told me the truth about him in the past, but I think it is best not to say anything just in case. I really hope she understands. : (  At least if she didn't know he is still screwing around with me, she does now! Any thoughts ? I feel bad if she was just trying to be nice... .but since I am someone who over shares, it's best not to say anything... .right?

[Herodias]

Strange... .after 3 months of no contact from his Parents... .I just heard from his Mother. She apologized for not contacting me for so long and told me I have been in her thoughts. She proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions about how my life is. I wrote her back and told her I was glad she reached out, but I didn't want to put her in the middle. That her son was suing me and I am not comfortable sharing any part of my life right now. I hope she understands. I wished her well and said hopefully this will be over with soon. I am proud of myself for not giving her any information, just in case she is fishing for him. It is terrible not to trust. She usually told me the truth about him in the past, but I think it is best not to say anything just in case. I really hope she understands. : (  At least if she didn't know he is still screwing around with me, she does now! Any thoughts ? I feel bad if she was just trying to be nice... .but since I am someone who over shares, it's best not to say anything... .right?

[rfriesen]

It sounds to me like you handled the situation perfectly reasonably.

She proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions about how my life is.

As in, an unusual number of questions for someone reaching out as she was? I don't think you should feel any obligation to answer her questions, given that you're not really in touch and that you're involved in litigation with her son.

I wrote her back and told her I was glad she reached out, but I didn't want to put her in the middle. That her son was suing me and I am not comfortable sharing any part of my life right now. I hope she understands. I wished her well and said hopefully this will be over with soon.

Sounds like a kind and considerate response, and you give her a reasonable explanation for not opening up any further. If she is offended in any way by that response, it seems to me that's her problem, not yours. (I understand, of course, that it can hurt to think we've offended someone, even if we're confident we acted reasonably. So I can related to you having unpleasant feelings as you wonder whether she was just trying to be nice, but I think you're right in not acting on those feelings and opening up unnecessarily.)

I am proud of myself for not giving her any information, just in case she is fishing for him.

Good for you!

It is terrible not to trust.

I agree that it can feel terrible. But there are situations in which it makes sense not to trust. Or not to take on unnecessary risk by opening up. In those situations, I wouldn't say it's terrible not to trust. Not everyone can be trusted all of the time. It doesn't sound like you're passing any judgment on her, but you simply find yourself in a situation with her son where it really doesn't make much sense to share personal information with her.

I feel bad if she was just trying to be nice... .but since I am someone who over shares, it's best not to say anything... .right?

It sounds to me like ... .right After all, you were polite and even kind in response. If she's upset in any way that you didn't share more personal information ... .well that would just confirm that you were right not to share!

[Herodias]

Thank you rfriesen, she asked me how work was, if I am busy, if I was still in the same location, how my parents are and if my sister moved overseas with her son. She didn't offer up anything she was doing. She hasn't asked me any of these things for the past 3 months. If she really wanted to be my friend she would have been in touch I think. Really odd thing is that I had this sense something has happened with my ex this weekend, for a reason I will not go into... .then his Mother e-mails me. Makes me wonder if something is up and she is now thinking of me... .or sadly, maybe she is fishing for information for him. I don't know what to think. All it shows her is that he is still affecting me. It hasn't stopped yet. Thanks for your support. Her and I actually really got along well. She didn't talk to me that much when we were married, because she didn't want to hear anything bad she said. We would talk about once a month... .now I guess I just told her something bad again, oh well... .I just hope they are not giving him the money to sue me. That would be terrible.

[Herodias]

She just wrote me back and said " understand "... .that's it.

[JerryRG]

Good job Herodias

I took my son out for dinner today after church and guess who walks in, sees us and walks away? Those 2 are totally insane and I cannot believe she can show her "faces" in public after disgaurding our son.   

I'm glad you handled your situation better than I did, I want run as far and as fast as I can when I see those two freaks

[rfriesen]

She just wrote me back and said " understand "... .that's it.

That strikes as somewhat cold, after her many questions and your polite reply. But who knows what's really going on in other people's heads at times, especially if it's not someone you're close to who is writing you out of the blue? It can be hard not to think about it sometimes, but I can't see you'll gain anything by analyzing it all. You handled the situation well, were kind and courteous given the awkward circumstances, and that's all you can really do.

[steelwork]

That strikes as somewhat cold, after her many questions and your polite reply.

Not me. I mean, it seems just as likely that she's signaling that she understands the circumstances aren't right for fuller communication.

I think you handled yourself admirably. Obviously his mother will be hamstrung in a situation like this, and I do hope that you can resume your friendship at some later time, when the dust has settled.

[Herodias]

Oh Jerry, that's awful! She walked away? She didn't even talk to her son?  

Yes, his Mother can be cold... .She probably didn't like my response. She is a bit like him. She has told me she respects me in the past. She also told me she doesn't want to hear anything bad. The best thing is to say nothing. I hope she and I can be friends of a sort... .probably Facebook friends eventually. My Sister said I shouldn't have anything to do with her... .I don't know right now. She ignores my ex when she is mad at him... .and he was always trying to win her love. Who knows what she is thinking, but I can tell you- I know she is embarrassed by him now. She called his gf trash when she first heard about her. Who knew it would come to him living the way he is... .I bet she misses me. Not to toot my own horn, but we did get along.
Thanks guys... .I think she was signaling she understands too... .I just wish I knew if she knew about the lawsuit or not.  

[valet]

Oh Jerry, that's awful! She walked away? She didn't even talk to her son?  

Yes, his Mother can be cold... .She probably didn't like my response. She is a bit like him. She has told me she respects me in the past. She also told me she doesn't want to hear anything bad. The best thing is to say nothing. I hope she and I can be friends of a sort... .probably Facebook friends eventually. My Sister said I shouldn't have anything to do with her... .I don't know right now. She ignores my ex when she is mad at him... .and he was always trying to win her love. Who knows what she is thinking, but I can tell you- I know she is embarrassed by him now. She called his gf trash when she first heard about her. Who knew it would come to him living the way he is... .I bet she misses me. Not to toot my own horn, but we did get along.
Thanks guys... .I think she was signaling she understands too... .I just wish I knew if she knew about the lawsuit or not.  

Hey Herodias, I agree with your sister on this one. I know it will be hard, but I don't think it's in your or your ex's best interest for you to have contact with his mother. Being emotionally entangled is difficult enough to deal with without all of these various interventions. Some of them are inevitable... .and you can't control whether others try to reach out or not. But you can think about your future here, and what it will take of you to secure your own happiness in it.

I tried to play it this way—keeping in touch with my ex's sister and mother in varying degrees. What I realize now is that I wasn't after either of those connections. I was chasing more selfish desires to get back towards that initial idealization stage with my ex.

I think that this is pretty common behavior, even at the very beginning of any romantic/platonic relationship. We try to throw our name in the hat however we can.

Best of luck. You've handled this well.

[heartandwhole]

Good job, Herodias, I agree with the other posters and think you handled this delicate situation very well.    Sounds to me like your intuition is giving you valuable information and you are listening. Well done.

heartandwhole