The trail of destruction

[JohnG]

I met this girl through BDSM website 3 years ago.

The passion, the sex, the chemistry was incredible. She was my own pornstar. Within  three months I moved with her. After another two months I took over the financial duties. I took upon family of five. She was a single mum and had 4 kids ranging from 2 to 8 years. Within two months I ran out of all my savings. At the same time she fell pregnant to me. I had to move back to my city.

We have had on/off love hate relationship right till babies birth. I was there for my babies birth. Things wet calm for a while. 6 months fast forward - She started an annihilation comparing over an argument. Painted me black on the BDSM website. Turns almost everyone against me. Rang my work and got me suspended for psychological assessment.

Took a Protection Order out me. I took one out on her due to her Annhilation Compaign.

The court date arrived after 8 long months. Both the Protection Orders were thrown out.

As soon as the Protection Orders were chucked out she was back. Pleading and begging me to get back with her.

I could not resist the temptation and was back in an instant.

We had incredible six weeks. After that splitting started again.

She was asked to move out of her house as rent was going up. She told me she has found a house but she won't let me know the new address.

I kept seeing her but she asks her other four kids to stay away from me.

Three weeks ago she stopped all communication. We live I different  cities 100 km apart.

Three nights ago I received 3 texts messages meant for someone else. Obviously a jealousy ploy.

When I asked when can I see my son _ She responded she is tthousands km away on a different Island. That she has moved there permanently with all the kids. She implied she is with a new lover or Sugardaddy.

About 6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with Herpes. I am not spur if I caught it from my ex. She I adamant that she has herpes but a different strain.

I am not sure I she is reAlly gone or if this is all a head___.

I am in a very dark place.

Please please your guidance and help would be appreciated.

[steelwork]

Hey JohnG, that is a lot. Welcome. You're in the right place.

So--forgive me if I don't get this right--she has taken your child away?

What are your desires now--with respect to her, your child, and yourself?

How are you coping?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi JohnG-

And welcome!  A lot of events, I'm sorry you're going through that, very hurtful and confusing, although not rare around here, we understand.

Do you know what your goal is?  You have a child with her now, that changes things, and it doesn't sound like you're on regular communication terns and that the relationship is over?  It's helpful to tell more of your story here, it's cathartic, and read and post a lot as you decide what you're going to do; folks have all kinds of different relationships with people who exhibit traits of the disorder, and there's surely a place here where you'll connect well, in the meantime, take care of you!

[JohnG]

I am not copying.

Breaking down crying every 30 minutes.

Herpes has broken down my self esteem even more.

The last 3 years have been surrealistic. When I manage to sleep, the nightmares are horrible.

I miss m 18 month old son. And it'S WEIRD BUT I miss her too. I wish I would  not have engaged with her after the court case was over and protection orders thrown out.

I could not focus. I coud not concentrate. Her fad is everywhere.

She has worked in we industry since her teen years. Then went on to have 5 kids with 3 different dads. Mine I the youngest one.

I thought I can fix her.

But now I am broken. I do not know she to summon the strength to function from day to day.

The initial honeymoon phase was something like I hhad never experienced before.

I need therapy and lots of it.

I try to distract myself by Gym etc but her face keeps popping in front of my eyes. She is very seductive... Lethaly Seductive and I cant let go.

I am in pieces with no self esteem... .

Please any tips.

Any help... .

[JohnG]

Correction : coping
                   Face
              She has worked in sex industry since her teen years.

[JohnG]

I have spoken to my lawyer and he said Sh can't take my son away like that.

That we 'll start proceedings and She has to relocate.

Regards,
J

[steelwork]

John,

It's pretty common to find your self esteem is in the toilet after a tempestuous breakup like this. A lot of us (most of us) went or are going through periods where we feel broken--absolutely destroyed. Take some solace in knowing you aren't alone.

It's okay and not at all unusual that you miss her. You were in a complicated relationship with her, and the recovery/detachment process will be a journey of discovering why you were so drawn to her.

Note: sex and sexual chemistry are often a major source of connection in these relationships. Read through the threads here and you will likely find discussions you can relate to.

Take a look at some of the articles here:

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

They will likely resonate with you.

I'll let others say more. I'm glad you have a lawyer working with you to get you access to your child. You'll likely find some good advice on the family law message board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0)

[fromheeltoheal]

I have spoken to my lawyer and he said Sh can't take my son away like that.

That's true John, you have parental rights.  There are also Co-parenting and Family Law boards on this site, poke around, planty of info and folks in the same place you are.

I need therapy and lots of it.

And this site is a great addition to a local therapist.

And it's common to have that conflict between your head and your heart, where it was crazy and unstable, yet you miss her.  That will all make sense with time, best to follow your head for now, do what is right, and your heart will catch up eventually.  Kudos on the gym, and it's really important to take very good care of yourself right now, as you grieve, detach, and do what you need to do to see your son.  Take care of you!

[JohnG]

Steelwork

Many thanks for your reply...

The 8 months when we both had protection orders in place on each other were he'll.

But it was time for growth in face of challenging circumstances.

I still missed her a lot but  I made lot's of progress in those 8 months because I was not in contact with her. My social circle widened.

My self confidence grew. And I answered her Annhilation Compaign and attacks in court. And I was starting  to enjoy myself again.


And then she came back. Next day fate the court. Begging and pleading me to come back. And to heal her.

I slipped. I was back straight away. This time honey moon period lasted only six eight weeks.


And now she is gone. Gone 1000 km away?

I don't know if she is telling the truth or bull___ting yet...

Three days ago I receive following three messages from her.

" Are you OK for a drive tonight"?

" We have to drink lots of coffees"

"Keep me up all night"

And then sorry John... Those got wrongly sent to you.

And then two hour later a recording from concert.

And a message sorry John... phone was in my pocket " got accidentally recorded and Sen to you".

I mean what the he'll. She is try in to tell me that she is having time of her life?


Only two months ago Sh was asking me to leave the BDSM lifestyle aand start a new life with her.

I don't  do much in BDSM circles. But I have a social network that helped me cope during 8 months... .


I said not so quickly _ lets wait six Months and rebuild trust again...

Until three weeks ago she was seeing me and sleeping with me...

And now BAM she is away. 1000 kms away on a different Island with a nd lover or sugardaddy.

She kept saying to me two months ago " I'll have a pure life with or without you John".

I see she is highly active on BDSM site again.

Pure Life ?

With or without me?...

Lol

I am think I think I lot about her... .

And with this herpes diagnosis my misery is even worse.

I feel like that seductive ex was my only soul mate.

Who else Will
 Find me attractive now?

This was a toxic relation.

A rollercoaster of highs and lows from he'll.

I am missing her terribly... .

Every hour is unbearable...

I should go lift some weights... .

Watch some comedies... .

But still my heart is bleeding and there is a horrible horrible void that is eating me inside out... .

And On top of that I am missing my 18 month old son... .


Damn
Is this he'll?

[JohnG]

I need to practice detachment... but am unable too right this moment.

[One key]

Well at least the trail she makes / leaves behind is clear.

Couple of kids with different fathers
No contact or limited contact between fathers and kids
Securing next partner first  with great sex and than with a kid later.

I think you need less therapy than you think, because you know very well what is happening and what happened.
And also why it happened to you.

You biggest problem will be your son.
You need legal help for that to regulate it.

For the rest: you can not miss her.
Maybe you miss the good moments and incredible sex you had and your dream that those would and could last for ever. My relationship with the ex gf lasted in total about three years and we had one in which sex was a very strong driver.
So yes that part of the relationship i miss and i know that in a next relationship i will never get to same quality and quantity.
That i miss.
But i dont miss her.
Takes some time to see that more clear and being NC helped in the process.

You body is missing hormones and neurotransmitters that this relationship ( mainly the sex part of it) produced for you and made you feel good. This is why you are so messed up right now.

[JohnG]

One Key :

Thanks you almost made me cry.

Sex was crazy.

Sex was beyond crazy.

We met on a BDSM site. We exchanged few messages online and on mobile.
The same very night I was there at her place 100 km away from my city.

And I had an eye opening sex. Pushed my limits.

It was very much like hotel california. There she stood in the doorway. I walked in and every thing in my life changed.

Changed Forever... .

That was three years ago.

I fell in love within few weeks. or even on first night.

She texted me after few weeks saying who would want to take over family of five.
She only had four kids then.

Three to one dad. And one to another dad.

I saw this broken girl in her.

Broken Girl who can be an enchanting seductress.

She encompassed all my childhood fantasies.
We had similar interests like playing Chess and Wrestling and Martial Arts etc.

I wanted to fix her. and within three months I took over her family.

She was married to her husband for 8 years. She has 3 kids with her husband.

That turn to custard when a Sugardaddy Doctor entered the picture. She secretly wanted to be Sugardaddies Mistress.
She promised him a son. Her fourth child.

Her husband did not digest. HIS EGO was wounded. He left her.

In the meantime Sugardaddy lots her riches by strange luck of fate. She become pregnant.

Sugardaddy doc was forced to move overseas. She moved overseas as well with her four kids to a developing country.

She did not like it there and returned back...

A few months later I enter the picture.

I moved in with her after three months.
At the same time She invited Sugar daddy dOc back to babysit kids and help her with studying nursing.

Doc came but he wanted sugar and love. She refused saying to him that she does not owe him anything and that she has me as her boyfriend.

My ego was flattered. The doc did not like this. She mercilessly threw him out.

I felt like the king of the castle... But within next two moths I ran ou3 of my money. She fell pregnant to me. I had to move back to my city 100 km away.

That's when love hate push pull really started.

She booked termination twice and both times cancelled it.

Fast forward baby is born.
Fast forward six months again. A disagreement  happens between us.

She put some photos up on BDSM site. She said to me she has manu submissive men who admire her.

That was hear breaking. But I tried to be sympathetic  And understand her.

I thought Sh is putting photos up on BDSM site I should ou3 some photos up too.

I did a horror fantasy type shoot with few friends. Put tthe photos up. And she went utterly totally madly crazy.

She told me I am after social status.

That is when she outed me to work and other law agencies.

Made a big write up online against me.

An utter Annhilation Compaign.

Turned almost 60 percent BDSM community against me.


Took ou3 the Protection Order on me.

In defense I did one on her.

Those 8 months of separation were he'll. But  towards the end I was starting to enjoy being alone. I was a social gadfly with so many new friends.

Then the court date arrived  And protection orders wet thrown out.

She was back texting me next day. I could not resist and was back with her.

I had not seen my son for 8 months. I missed him.

Our new hone moon period lasted 6 weeks. I become so enthralled by her again that I lots me job. Lol

And now She is gone.
1000 km away. Or so she says.

I discovered I had herpes. I told her. She laughed and said Sh have had it since she was 14. But different strain. She laughed and told me to deal with it... .

Now I miss her terribly. I miss my 18 Month old son too.

I am thinking where will I find a girl as seductive as her.

And then the limiting belief.

I had herpes - Who would wanna know me in intimate way... .

Layer upon layer of misery.

From three nights I have not slept...

If this I a mind f××× then it I powerful one.

I just want to sleep and wake up one day...

And hope everythi g was normal... .


Call me crazy... .

But I am thinking obsessively  about her.

Help Please... .l

[One key]

Did not want to make you cry.

My relationship lasted 3 years and it is now three years ago it stopped.
So i recognize very well the stage you are in right now.
Though fortunately i have no child with her.

Right now you are in FOGH.

F stands for fear
Fear of not seeing your son enough, of your health, of being no longer accepted in the BDSM community you were in, fear that she at any time can paint you black. Fear of never having same great moments ever again in your life.

O stand for obligation you feel or felt to save her, cure her. And for taking care of your child

G stands for guilt. Guilt you feel for your part that contributed to this disaster.

H stands for hope. Hope that one day she is cured and comes back to you and you will have the greatest life possible together.

This is a lot to go through at it all is tangled up with each other. And your body is screaming for that dopamine release that sex and certainly BDSM sex gives.

I would try to cur it in smaller pieces, take care of the parts that you can control to the best of your abilities ( son and health), forget the things you can control (yes she can paint you black any time. She wont do it though as long as you dont trigger her. So no contact is best), and stop living in guilt and obligation.

And please stop hoping.
You are clever enough to know that this relationship with her dant work and she is incurable.

Right now focus on yourself, do everyday some small tasks that you can realisticly finish and do finish them. Dont flee in another relationship.

That is what somewhat repaired myself after three years of being three years in a crazy relationship.

[JohnG]

One Key :

Many thanks. Wonderful Advice.

[JohnG]

I tried to stay busy. And totally exhausted myself at gym. It helped ease the pain a little.

[JohnG]

Update:

Text from Ex... "You can see your son in my old town today for couple of hours".

I spoke to my lawyer.

Lawyer said go see your son and ask her if she has moved away 1000 km or not.

I went to see my son to her town 100 km away. Ex said to me that she is travellin a lot these days but I can see my son once a week in her old town which is 100 km away from my city.

She still would not give me her new address or tell me where she lives.

During my play time with my son she maintained her distance...

As I was leaving and said good byes she looked at me and said " In an ideal world you'll be coming home to me today not returning back ".

I said bye and left.


I am still dumbfounded what her moving away to another island 1000 km away drama was all about.

Phew!

Please help guys... .

[JohnG]

While on the drive  back I received messages from her saying "  She feels pity for me "

And then 10 messages saying she has love in her life. That she is loved...


And then tonight that " She is going out on date ".

Just mind ___ed.

[JohnG]

Games

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi John-

Games

I'm sorry you're going through that, it's so confusing and crazymaking.  It's great you got to see your son though.  It's helpful to understand why a borderline does the things they do: borderlines, in an attempt to feel whole, attach to someone else, not in a healthy "you complete me" way, but in an unhealthy fusing of psyches way to create one person out of two; borderlines need to do that because they don't have a fully formed self of their own.  The problem is, once an attachment is formed, it's unstable because where do you draw the line between two people if they're fused into one?  So borderlines then contend with the fear of abandonment, that you'll leave, and fear of engulfment, that you'll get too close and the borderline will "disappear" into you; those opposing fears are what motivate the push/pull behavior you're experiencing: saying she has pity for you and telling you she has love in her life is pushing you away, saying in an ideal world you'd be coming home to her is pulling you back, and having a child between you is a way to keep that attachment alive, which is everything to borderlines.  And the closer and more intimate a relationship gets the more the fears get triggered.

It's very difficult for us to try and tolerate that, deal with it, although it's very difficult for her too, she spends her life in that place.  Many of us have found this article helpful at this stage, check it out and see if it helps; learning why a borderline does what they do can eliminate a lot of the confusion, doesn't make the behaviors OK, but makes them less crazymaking:   https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[JohnG]

Feeling immense sadness today. Reading back over her text messages.

She telling me she feels so much pity for me and nothing else. That she has so many lovers in her life. That I saved her initially and then destroyed her.

I am just a wreck, in terrible agony. Her messages as I was driving back yesterday were gut wrenchingly horrible and hurt me to the core.

Oh what have I become in three years. No hope. It all looks so bleakly gloomy .

[lovenature]

Oh what have I become in three years. No hope. It all looks so bleakly gloomy sad.

Hey john

Try to remember who you were before you met and got into a relationship with her, then when you are ready you can figure out why you stayed with her and accepted what you did. I will caution you that when you shift the focus to you it can be extremely painful, but that is where the path to a better, more peaceful life exists.

[JohnG]

Thanks to all of you who have given such a lovely advice.

I am finding it very hard to consciously switch my attention away from her. Is this Trauma Bonding? Is this StockHolm Syndrome.

I feel like this person holds the key to my happiness. May be my brain chemistry is altered after three years.

In the recent months there were few highs littered here and there. But lows that happened were incredibly low. Painfully traumatic life draining lows.

I let so many good things in my life slide putting the ex on the pedestial. Treated   her kids like mine. And I am amazed how can she just instantly banish me out after beggin to reconnect after the court stuff was over.

And she is showing she is happy with other guy or guys... And that she has a feeling of belonging now.

I can't shift my focus back to me. I wonder if hypnosis would help. My unconscious mind has been altered. When I sleep my dreams are full of nightmares of being back with her.

Mornings are the worst. I don't even feel like wakin up. I would do anything to shift my focus away from her. I am in a world of pain.
May be this is the FOGH at it's thickest

[tammym1972]

Feeling immense sadness today. Reading back over her text messages.

She telling me she feels so much pity for me and nothing else. That she has so many lovers in her life. That I saved her initially and then destroyed her.

I am just a wreck, in terrible agony. Her messages as I was driving back yesterday were gut wrenchingly horrible and hurt me to the core.

Oh what have I become in three years. No hope. It all looks so bleakly gloomy .

I know it's hard but try not to reread the messages. Get your mind on other things. What helps me is to watch a funny movie. laughter is healing. Hope you feel better soon.

[JohnG]

Having such a hard time today.
Everything feels empty.
The world vacant.

I am suffering from the Toxic Shame that I never felt before

Just passing today have become unbearable.

[fromheeltoheal]

Having such a hard time today.
Everything feels empty.
The world vacant.

I am suffering from the Toxic Shame that I never felt before

Just passing today have become unbearable.

Can you elaborate on toxic shame John?  Could it be guilt instead?

[JohnG]

Toxic shame that I could not take care of her and her family and that she is now moved onto some other sugardaddy or daddies.

Toxic shame that my son is not with me.

Toxic shame at not being enough despite giving almost everything...

[fromheeltoheal]

Toxic shame that I could not take care of her and her family and that she is now moved onto some other sugardaddy or daddies.
Toxic shame that my son is not with me.
Toxic shame at not being enough despite giving almost everything...

I understand John, I've felt similar, most of us here have, and hear this: no one could have been enough, no one.  So really there's no point in blaming ourselves, although it feels like the natural thing to do, it feels accurate.  Relationships with someone with the disorder, which is a mental illness, go through stages, and in the end you lost, she lost, the only winner was the disorder.

Here are some articles that may help:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[JohnG]

I feel like breaking no contact today.

Almost on the verge of breaking it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel like breaking no contact today.
Almost on the verge of breaking it.

Are you interested in stepping back and analyzing your emotions, or are you going to follow your impulses unquestioned?

[JohnG]

@heeltohea : I did not contact. I went for a drive in the open country instead. And the gym. I had to grit my teeth and use all the will to not contact. It was hard. But now I feel better for not contacting.

Sadness is still immense though