To understand my daughter

[Leroylou]

Hello and help, please.
My daughter is diagnosed bi-polar (for the 2nd time). I believe she is combination BPD. Readers digest version of our current situation. She is a single mom of 9yo daughter no father figure,6yo son father involved. She has always been what I call difficult. Middle child of 3 daughters. This past June became "manic" and when I left for vacation in July had a breakdown. My oldest daughter took the kids for 2 weeks so she could seek help. She spent a week in a mental hospital. I was home when she was released and she handed over her marijuana to me and started therapy, but also started drinking and was in another downward spiral. 2 more weeks time it was obvious she was not taking care of her kids properly, (and begged me to give back her pot) so I suggested she give me guardianship of the kids. She was agreeable if I didn't tell her x, (6yo father), but I had already told him. She was furious. But then my oldest stepped in "again" and said she and her husband were prepared to take the kids. Since then, she has signed court consents, 9yo is in oldest's custody, 6yo is with father, and she is in many classes and counseling sessions. Things were progressing, visitations with her and the kids were happening, but very stressful. Side note: oldest daughter lives in another state, was living with me so that 9yo could stay in current school. 6yo already in fathers custody changed schools. Time for oldest to move back home, so 9yo will start a new school. This is happening in 2 days. Yesterday, "she" decides she is going to hire her own lawyer and try to reverse the consent. ( she has no money for this) WOW! Seriously, it won't stand in court. I have statements from neighbors who witnessed her neglect of her kids. I love my daughter and truly want her to get well. I'm currently reading "stop walking on egg shells" so I can learn more about what she is experiencing and how to better communicate with her. I don't know what else to do. In the big picture, I feel this situation could be much worse, there's no jail, no dui's, no drug arrests. On the other hand she has sent me emails and texts stated she has been alcohol and all drug free for 30 days during her rehab. Wtf is all drugs? All I knew about was marijuana, nothing else.
I want to believe she loves her kids and wants to provide a stable home for them, but don't believe she's capable right now. What do I do? How do I respond? How do I help her heal?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Leroylou   ,

We are sorry to hear about your current situation, but here you will find others that comprehend and can help guide you in dealing with the issues you face.  You are doing the right thing by educating yourself on the illness, as well as reaching out for support here.  Take a look to the right of this page and you will see some helpful tools and lessons to help navigate through your process. 
Coping with a child with BPD is not something I have personal history with, but I'm sure someone will be along soon that can relate directly to your situation. 
As for what to do now, you've started as knowing the illness is a must in beginning to learn what to do that may help.  It's also positive that she has undergone some therapy, any way to keep that process going with a therapist in the personality disorder field will be a necessity if she is indeed inclined to work on herself.    Keep sharing here, as our family understands what you are going through.  You are doing the right thing for now... .keep it up!   

[Leroylou]

Today she bombarded me with texts. She doesn't want to spend money on a lawyer, so if I can convince my oldest to give her unsupervised visits, then she won't. I feel like she is playing games. I've tried to stay neutral. So now I feel like she is trying to get me to side with her and estrange my oldest daughter from the family and say she is a monster for taking her daughter away. As a mother I want to say she's right. As a rational adult, I see my granddaughter will being a better place. This is tearing me apart!

[drained1996]

Leroylou,

I empathize with your frustration and know it must be so very difficult to be in your position.  I have a few questions about your understanding of BPD:

How long have you been aware this disorder may be in play?
How much have you read and educated yourself on the illness?
Have you been to a therapist or had a session with anyone who is helping her, so they may give some pointers?

I ask these questions so we may simply have a better understanding of your situation.  It seems from your posts that this may be a very new revelation for you, and that you may be overwhelmed a bit at the moment, which is completely understandable... .as many of us have been right there. 

We are here and hope to hear back so that we can better understand where you are in your process of understanding and beginning to deal with this situation.  You're in the right place.   

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Leroylou:  

I'm so sorry about the situation with your daughter.  I think you have to error on the side of safety for the children.  It might be helpful for you to get some therapy to help you deal with the situation.  

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE:
Learning about the drama triangle can be helpful.  It sounds like you are involved in a few right now. Take note of what not to do and how to use the Caring/Winning Triangle.  There are a couple of links at the end of the article that will take you to a couple of discussion threads.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Click on the links below to get to some of the basic tools that can be helpful with handling your daughter.  You will find that these tools are handy to use with normal people in the workplace and in everyday life:

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

SET

WISE MIND


You can't change your daughter, but you can make things better by changing the way your interact and react to her.  Take the lessons a step at a time.  If you are using a computer or a tablet, you might want to make a folder to bookmark some of the lessons, so you can get back to them easily.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?  You need to take care of yourself, in order to be helpful for your daughter.

[Leroylou]

I've been aware of my daughters condition for about 4 months. I attended one family session with my daughter and her therapist, it was a half hour argument and she stormed out. Her therapist said we couldn't talk without her present and asked me to leave. I can't attend another session unless she invites me. I've asked to attend again and she tells me I'm free to anytime, but won't tell me when her appointments are. I've called her therapist and am told they can't give me any info without my daughters consent. Then she will accuse me of not trying. Vicious circle. I've surfed the web for info on BPD and bipolar and am currently reading "stop walking on eggshells". I've attended 2 alanon group sessions and will go every week for support.
In the last week I've tried to use what I've learned so far to talk to her differently and give her praise for the steps she's taking to get better, which is helping. But now she has turned my oldest daughter into the villain and trying to use me as leverage to get what she wants. i.e.: if I tell my oldest to give her unsupervised visits with my granddaughter then she will stop legal action against her.
She is very good at twisting facts for what she thinks is her own benefit.

[drained1996]

Leroylou,

You are doing a wonderful job of doing what needs to be done from your side!  Educating yourself and learning new communication techniques shows how dedicated you are to be the best you can under these tough circumstances.  From my experience, YOU cannot fix HER, she will have to want the therapy and put in the work... .which she may or may not be doing at this point.  The only part you can control in this dance is YOU, so do yourself a favor and be very compassionate with yourself.  This is a tough path, and there will be ups and downs... .
Have you thought to seek therapy for yourself so you may have some professional guidance?  I know in my journey that was a huge help! 
Have you worked through the lessons and viewed the tools to the right of this page?  Lot's of helpful hints to be uncovered there!  Keep posting, we're here!

[livednlearned]

BPD and bipolar together is tough, plus addiction  and two young kids. I'm so sorry for your suffering, Leroylou, and for hers.

Her goal right now is to focus on taking care of herself, and you are doing a heroic job to pick up the pieces that she is not yet strong enough to carry.

It is normal for her to feel desperate about seeing her kids. No matter how unstable she is as a parent, she has the same desires to bond and take care of them that we would expect any mother to feel. Unfortunately, she is not well enough to see the big picture, and it will take time and effort to get there.

BPD loved ones are on an emotional roller coaster that runs their lives. Feelings = facts, and those feelings can trigger over something as seemingly benign as their own thoughts. Our job is to stay off the roller coaster, and help them dial down the shame and fury they feel about being so out of control. We can do that by staying grounded for them, and learning the relationship skills that help prevent things from getting worse.

Other helpful books are: Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. Both have helpful sections on skills that can help you with the communication skills. I also liked a section in I Hate You Don't Leave Me that deals with some of the double binds that BPD sufferers tend to use to cope.

It can feel counter intuitive, but having boundaries that you assert firmly and gently will help them regulate their feelings, even if it does not feel that way. Your daughter may be externalizing her emotions and the more stable you are, the more likely she will be able to hang onto that stability and right herself.

We are here for you, to walk alongside you during this crisis and beyond. It is so helpful to know that others have been where you are, and truly care.  

LnL

[Lollypop]

Hi there leroylou

First of all I'd like to welcome you to the forum.

My BPD is my adult son, birthday next week and he'll be 26.  My son self medicates with weed, he finds this help with his racing thoughts. We don't condone the use of drugs but understand that a lot of BPD use MJ for this purpose.  He's had a problem with drugs and turns to opiates such as codeine, nurofen plus when extremely stressed. He's in pain and he tries to alleviate it. Earlier this year it was diazepam. I understand your horror at the discovery that your daughter using drugs. It's a very hard one to deal with. My BPDs has tried three times to get clean and I hope eventually we will make that choice.

How old is your daughter?
How long will she remain in rehab?
What BPD treatment is she/will be receiving if any?

It sounds like you've got a little star in your older daughter. You know that your eldest grandchild will be safe with her and that your youngest is with their Dad. They're both with people who love them and have their best interests in mind. Children come first, always.

Meanwhile, you've got a wonderful opportunity to arm yourself with knowledge. You needs this knowledge first. It helps you understand your daughter better, it helps you better understand her limitations, it gives you better control over yourself and how you react to your daughter.

My BPDs life isn't what I'd dreamed of for him, it isn't what I'd hoped for. I'm being the parent he needs.  He needs me to be calm, stable and assertive over things that really matter.  I do not fix, I walk beside him as he grows. We wait patiently for him to see treatment as we believe that he needs to want it for himself. It takes complete and utter commitment and he's obviously not ready. But he is maturing and growing with this new way that we've found as a family. This forum is my lifesaver.

I know it's hard to see your daughter in so much pain and, if she's willing, she will start working on herself with you by her side as you watch.

Please post and let us know how you're getting on.

Take care of yourself

L