The Mechanics of Forgiveness

[woundedPhoenix]

It has been 6 months since the breakup with some quick recycles thrown in inbetween, we have to keep in touch cause we co-parent a kid together.
The past two years have been hell, good thing about this site is that everybody knows what that hell looks like, it's been the usual breakup template that everybody expriences :-)

And all this while i have been spiraling through the wheel of grieving, it has been a slow but ultimately upwards spiral, it's been a process of washing away the suffered pains and coming to terms with both the destructive BPD behaviour and my own built in reflex to easily accept everything is my fault.

Whereas i felt mostly guilty, ashamed and abandonned months ago, i now concentrate mostly on the cruelty that came my way.
And I kind of start to get a notion of what acceptance may look and feel like.

In the end forgiveness and acceptance are linked i discovered.
In order to forgive you have to accept what happened, how it happened and where possible why.

But... .Accepting and forgiving means giving up the ideal that the relationship represented,
in a way it means giving up the idealised version that i got hooked on,
and accept how cruelty, anger, destructiveness, selfishness, revengefullness and a total lack of empathy are also present in the person i loved the most.

As i look back on the whole process of grief, it's just been a big fight to avoid acceptance really :-)

Denial and bargaining hold you back, as they try to protect the ideal, the dream.
Anger is frustration where you still judge the bad behaviours against the ideal you wish to protect.
Depression is just being tired of fighting for the ideal.

So by giving my BPDex forgiveness, i accept all the various fragments that she is and represents and hid for me for years,
I also forgive myself for failing in this relationship, but also realise for the most part it is not failure.
I just tried to the best of my abilities to have an ideal relationship with someone who can't live with harmony and stable love.

Ultimately i allow myself to really accept how much i have been hurt, what a traumatic experience it really was,
and that it had very little to do with love in the end... .

By accepting, you kind of loose the desire to get it all back. cause the ideal is no more.

[JerryRG]

Well said woundedPhoenix

I'm happy for you, you are where I hope to be one day.

I still struggle trying to understand my ex and the relationship. The one thing I know is like you said, we tried our best to love someone who didn't want stability or harmony. It has to be something other than, there is no peace in the heart of my exgf, just frantic fear and her running away from the only thing that could save her.

Herself

She was and always will be her own worst enemy

[heartandwhole]

Wise words, woundedPhoenix, thank you for sharing your process. I think you make a great point that we first have to accept the reality of is in front of us before we can make any changes, forgive, or let go.

Well done and keep sharing your triumphs and struggles here. It helps us all. 

heartandwhole

[icky]

. As i look back on the whole process of grief, it's just been a big fight to avoid acceptance really :-). Denial and bargaining hold you back, as they try to protect the ideal, the dream. Anger is frustration where you still judge the bad behaviours against the ideal you wish to protect. Depression is just being tired of fighting for the ideal.

. beautifully said. and a beautiful post. : )

[woundedPhoenix]

I still struggle trying to understand my ex and the relationship. The one thing I know is like you said, we tried our best to love someone who didn't want stability or harmony. It has to be something other than, there is no peace in the heart of my exgf, just frantic fear and her running away from the only thing that could save her.

Things kind of started to fall into place when i realised this:

Love WITHOUT pain doesn't feel right for them. In idealisation the feeling is so overwelming that pain isn't needed, but once the initial rush wears off... .the emptyness needs to be filled... .one option is pain.

And if there is no pain, they will create it around them.

all this to really avoid the pain that is present deep inside of them.

"better feel pain you can control around you, then pain that sits inside yourself."