Question about validation

[bpdmom99]

This is my first post on this message board.  My question is with regards to using validation as a tool with those dealing with BPD.  I can definitely see how using validation helps to diffuse some of the arguments with my daughter.  However, it feels like I am constantly validating (ie. "I can see how that would be very hurtful to you and make you angry", etc).  What ends up happening though is that we have days filled with these kind of 'discussions/arguments', and I wonder if it doesn't just solidify the fact for her that, in her mind, she's "right" in these situations and that it's the others who have to learn how to tip-toe around her. 

Having said that, I know that any time she gets upset at someone she immediately gets upset even more at herself for feeling that way ... .so I realize the moment is never lost on her (and in fact, she tends to overthink everything and ends up feeling worse about herself).

I just want to make sure that I am using the DBT tool of validation correctly, and not just reinforcing her feeling that everyone just needs to agree with her in order for her to get along in the world! 

Does anyone else feel this way around validation?  Or is it just a matter of me using the tool more effectively that I am?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome BPDMom99:  

Check out the links below, that present validation in different ways.  It might seem like too much information, but sometimes one article or view of something can speak to us individually more than others.  It can be a good approach to set up a special folder on a browser toolbar (if you use a tablet or computer).  It can be helpful for you to go back to information you find helpful or want to study further at a later date.

COMMUNICATION SKILLS - DON'T BE INVALIDATING
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

VALIDATION:  :)ON'T INVALIDATE
www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#Defensiveness and Invalidation

LEVELS OF VALIDATION
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation.html

VALIDATION WORKSHEET
https://dbtskillstraining.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/week-7-core-pdf.pdf

[Gorges]

I have the exact same problem.  Also my daughter wants to be validated about her feelings of hostility towards people yet I know she has done things to seek out conflict with these people... .

I don't validate this and she becomes very angry at me!  I recently said that I don't want to hear her problems unless she can better manage her emotions because she becomes abusive when I don't agree that people are as horrible as she thinks or when I don't do something to fix her problems.

I will read the validation techniques (again), but I have to set limits and have boundaries as well.

[Naughty Nibbler]

The following quoted material about validation is an excerpt from one of the previously referenced links.

Validation Means:
• Finding the kernel of truth in another person’s perspective or situation; verifying the facts of
a situation.
• Acknowledging that a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes and are
therefore understandable.
• Not necessarily agreeing with the other person.
• Not validating what is actually invalid

Important Things to Validate
• The valid (and only the valid).
• The facts of a situation.
• A person’s experiences, feelings/emotions, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts about something.
• Suffering and difficulties.

Remember:
• Every invalid response makes sense in some way.
• Validation is not necessarily agreeing.
• Validation doesn’t mean you like it.
• Only validate the valid!

This article about AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS   might be helpful to avoid arguments during validation.

[bpdmom99]

Thank you.  Those are all things that I know and I believe that I practice ... .but it's necessary to be reminded of them!

Perhaps my question comes more from a feeling that, if I am not pointing out the invalid points, that that is in some way silently agreeing with them.

Although it's clear that pointing out an invalid point (especially in the heat of the moment) is not helpful and only leads to further escalated arguments - if it is not acknowledged, does the BPD sufferer not come to expect only validation from all of the interactions in their life? 

I too will re-read the links sent above on validation.

[Lollypop]

Hi

I'm still working on validation too. I'm going to read these links again.

Sometimes I don't say anything at all but get good eye contact and give him a hug (if i feel he's receptive). Then I say in his ear "I'm just so sorry you feel this way".  I can feel him physically relax.

Also, I've got quite good at just saying "oh" when I don't know how to handle something and then go back the next day to do a re-do.

Hope this helps.

L

[bpdmom99]

Sometimes I don't say anything at all but get good eye contact and give him a hug (if i feel he's receptive). Then I say in his ear "I'm just so sorry you feel this way".  I can feel him physically relax.

Thanks for that.  I guess ultimately, everyone just wants to know that they have been heard and are loved no matter what.  That's what validation boils down to at it's essence. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

. . .  I guess ultimately, everyone just wants to know that they have been heard and are loved no matter what.  That's what validation boils down to at it's essence. 

BPDmom99: 

Well said.  The only thing to add is that it can be more important to NOT invalidate, than it is to validate. 

[Lollypop]

I may need to work on that one!

Hugs

L