We made the mistake of moving in together

[972to214]

Hello,

I was together with my exBPDGF for a beyond glorious year before I moved into her condo. I had to move out of my then lease house and I suggested that I move in to her condo rather than get locked in to another year+ lease commitment as we had already very casually begun to look at engagement rings. She was definitely somewhat reluctant, but we ultimately decided together for me to move in (beginning of June). Then things went down hill, progressively. The distancing tactics began about 7 weeks post-move in and she broke up with me a little over a week ago. I contend that I "got too close."

She's 41, never married, no kids. She reported having several 3 year relationships in her twenties (one where she moved in with someone, but never got engaged). Within the last decade, no relationship beyond 3-4 months and one where she platonically (supposedly) "dated" a married guy FOR THREE YEARS. Then we fell deeply in love with each other --- or so it appeared. She was hardcore over-the-top throughout our relationship with expressions of deep love from the very beginning. She sent me so many love notes and USPS mailed cards (not for holidays) that she bought a "love note box" for me to store them.

Then my and my girls' (ages 10 and 12) mere presence started to become very problematic because we were now in "her space" officially. This was hard for me to understand since we had effectively already been living together prior to me moving into her condo. Soon she started saying she needed "time and space" in between fits of rage and very frequently picking fights with me over meaningless things. We went on five vacations during the summer --- to my family's beach home, San Francisco, New York, sailing in Maine on my parents's yacht and Santa Barbara. EVERY SINGLE TIME we would board the plane to come home, she flipped the light switch from a super loving, affectionate state to one of contention.

The more I professed my genuine love for her, the more she demanded distance (even though she so consistently told me that I was "her favorite person" / "super loved me so much" / that we were on the path to "forever happiness" / that "she couldn't imagine ever living without me" / that she was "the luckiest girl" / not to mention she addressed me as "daddy" CONSTANTLY (yes, I am a father, but she would use that term in countless romantic written gestures) --- and HUNDREDS more! The time and space she started demanding (to "think" through things, the stress of living together, etc.) through three hiatus periods was DEFINITELY not used for introspection. She was out with her friends, on business trips partying, for example two nights in a row until two and then four in the morning. She was adamant that we maintain NO CONTACT during these hiatus periods although she contacted me A LOT during them to text, talk and for me to come over to be with her, but I was CHASTISED every time I caved and contacted her. Seems fair, right?

The evening she broke up with me, she told me that she loved me very deeply and that she had meant every single word that she had written to me in all the love notes and cards that she had given me during the course of our relationship and that she STILL loves me.

You can imagine my overwhelming bewilderment. And, now unimaginable, unbearable pain.

Yes, there were complications to our relationship --- one of my girls is high-functioning autistic, I have a crazy ex (and some anger issues in still having to deal with her) and I needed to make some improvements per parenting, but ALL of these issues were being very actively and positively addressed / serviced big time. Plus, there were two occasions where her intense manipulation (actions which would be interpreted as such by ANY normal, rational human) pushed me to the point of saying hurtful / inappropriate things to her. All of these things became excuses for her.

It's now technically NC-11 post official break up though it's on the heels of a three week hiatus where we only spent one night together.

I am beyond crushed and devastated and shattered. I felt that I waited my entire life for her (we both said this to each other). Now I am trying to literally survive each day. Survive.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi 972-

And welcome! 

I am beyond crushed and devastated and shattered. I felt that I waited my entire life for her (we both said this to each other). Now I am trying to literally survive each day. Survive.

And survive you will, on your way to thriving.  I'm sorry you're in the middle of that, it sounds very hurtful, along with confusing, although it's not rare around here, we've all been there, we understand, and you're not alone.

11 days is no time at all, you're in the thick of it and it's still raw, and although you've told us a lot already, can you share more of your story?  It can be cathartic, and while you're at it, a lot of members have gotten good value out of this article

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Stick around for a while, it gets much better, and take care of you!

[972to214]

11 days is no time at all, you're in the thick of it and it's still raw, and although you've told us a lot already, can you share more of your story?  It can be cathartic, and while you're at it, a lot of members have gotten good value out of this article.

Thanks for your note and yes, I agree it's cathartic to share.

It does make me wonder that if there is validity to my concern over my exBPDGF having a deep-seated fear of attachment / abandonment, then even if the closeness (albeit, arguably premature) by way of "officially" living in her condo (instead of effectively living together unofficially) didn't occur and we had otherwise more casually progressed, would this issue eventually surface as a result of a future major milestone as is suggested within the below excerpt? Would us getting engaged at the end of this year or sometime next summer be a trigger for her to paradoxically push me away?

[article excerpt]
You're on an emotional roller-coaster, and it's not gonna get any better as time goes on~ in fact, you can expect that it will get a lot worse. A Borderline's acting-out behaviors always escalate, each time their relationship moves to the next level of closeness or commitment. Moving in together, jointly buying property, getting engaged, getting married or having a child together will insure that their anxiety about becoming more deeply invested will trigger a major upheaval between you, and this upset won't start settling down anytime soon. The closer one gets to a Borderline disordered person, the more they freak-out and push you away.


Controlling behavior wasn't an issue during the beginning phase of our relationship. In fact, I was told 50+ times that she really loved it that "I knew what I was doing" (one of her signature phrases) with respect to so many, many things. For example, that I had a good command of the English language, that I knew food and wine really well (even produced wine in Napa), that I knew how to cook really well, that I was relatively well-traveled, that I knew how to fix things around the house, that I was accomplished in my professional industry, that I was tech-savvy, that I was "a great father"... .it went on and on and on. I, of course loved this responsiveness and it was like so many other things, totally reciprocated. She, however, BECAME controlling or rather eventually just no longer held back an innate need to control. She was and will always be particular, as am I in many ways, but that's totally different. I went from really "knowing what's going on" and jokingly saying to her "who are you dealing with" (with her being super receptive) to me not being able to drive properly (when I am extraordinarily physically capable behind a wheel), not being able to dress with the right style, not being able to parent my kids (to the extent I was told that I needed to see a parenting "coach", not being able to X, Y, Z and then resorting to "doing it her way."

[article excerpt]
Whether these boyhood difficulties are consciously held or not, they've actually enabled this woman to control and manipulate your self-image throughout this entire relationship. All Borderlines try to control you. The "Queen" controls by making you feel inferior and defective.

During a recent trip to San Francisco, I met her "best friend" of all time. We had lunch soon after all arriving in the city and I happened to mention some recent event where I had made a unilateral decision involving her condo (something she was completely fine with) --- this prompted her best friend to erupt with laughter and to then pose the question, "you mean she actually let you make a decision?" This was after 15 minutes of meeting her. That was so revealing and eye-opening to me. It was so unfiltered. She, expectedly, brushed it off, but it definitely was a signal to me.

I've always had a critical need for a "true partnership." If either partner in any relationship is being manipulated, controlled and / or beholden to an "upper hand," then I contend there doesn't exist an actual relationship, certainly not a healthy one, and that no one of any merit would stick around long-term if that's the way it would be in perpetuity. However many undeniably amazing and attractive traits my exBPDGF possesses (and she has a lot), I would choose to move on if we weren't able to maintain a true partnership in practice and in spirit --- all of the time.

[article excerpt]
A healthy, whole person is as comfortable receiving in a relationship as giving. Emotionally developed, sound adults seek reciprocal partnerships, not codependent ones with folks they can try to control, fix, teach or rescue. Healthy people want to be on a balanced playing field with their significant others.

Anyone have similar experiences?