Kicked my nephew out of the house...

[formflier]

So... .I hear a strange voice in my basement when I only expect my teenager to be down there.  I head down to basement and see my 16 year old (who I expected to be there getting ready for work) standing next to my 17 year old nephew... .that lives about 8 hours away.  In a big cloud of smoke... .

They booked it out of the house to my father in law's car that was waiting outside to take my son to work.  I was incredulous... .but likely happy that I did delay "confronting"  them.  

My wife comes home shortly after I and informed her what I saw... .looking for information.  She immediately "accused" me of thinking the worst of our nephew... .being unbiblical... .introducing rabbit trails (stuff about my parents).

I end the conversation and walk away.

Soon after my wife brings nephew back to house with our kids.

This time I confront him.  I ask him what the big cloud of smoke was from before.  He said it was him vaping.  I asked him if he still had it with him.  He said yes and I told him I wanted him to leave the house and take his vape thing with him.  That it was not allowed in our house in front of our kids.

I asked him if he had drugs on him (there is a prior history) and he said no.  My wife stepped in and said she would take him to her parents to get rid of the vape... .and she would be bringing him back.  In a very "challenging" way.  

I walked away and she left the house with him.

My wife is now trying to rewrite history about how respectful he was... .how much "better" he is.  She refuses to talk to me about parenting or how we work with our kids about this.  She threatened me that if I didn't like her family... .we would get into it about my family.

I bit a bit... .on that.

Finally walked away... trying to calm down now in my room.

Sigh...

FF

He is underage... .vaping is "illegal" at his age... .in this state.

Sigh... .

[formflier]

To make things even more interesting... .my son gets home from work.  We talk.  He claims it was his "vape" and it was him doing the vaping.  He said he has had it a few weeks and got it from online.

I suspected he was fibbing to cover for his cousin... and I asked him to get his receipt and stuff showing the purchase.  Which he did... .showed me the package where this was shipped to our house... .right under our nose.

It was getting later... .so I didn't want to get into a heavy talk with my son.  I thanked him for his honesty... .let him know I wanted to talk more and I wanted to hear what was going on in his world.  He said he got it to help him "relax" because things are stressful around the house.

My wife was very quiet after all this.  Amazingly calm.  She went on to sleep.  I went for a walk.  After i'm doing typing I'm going to do some light stretches and exercise... hot tub soak and try to get some sleep.

I'm certainly not calm or "settled" about this on the inside.  Trying very hard to "separate all the issues into their own buckets" (all credit to BabyDucks).  Looking forward to chatting with P tomorrow at my weekly appointment.

First two teenagers were much easier than this one.  This one is the most like me at that age.  Sigh... .


FF

[Annie99]

Hey FormFlier - Thinking about you and imagining what you are going through lies ahead of me when my boys hit those years.  I would like to say that despite the behaviours that your son is doing that you don't like, it sounds to me like you are raising a good human being. He had an easy out - let his cousin take the rap but he owned up, even after knowing how upset you were.

Glad you are getting your buckets in order. Keep it in perspective -  my feelings are smoking weed is way preferable to alcohol. And our prime minister (Im in Canada) is looking at legalizing it across the whole country. I think the issue is what it can do to a young not yet developed brain. But you cant stop him so you will want to ensure he is being responsible (and I dont know what his job is but smoking up before going to work is not responsible, also doesn't line up with his claim that it is due to stress around the house - so why do it before leaving the house?).

[Notwendy]

FF, the fact that he was honest with you is a big thing. I don't diminish what he did, but the relationship between the two of you is key here and the honestly says a lot. I hope you can spend some one on one time with him, not focused on what he did ( the vaping) but the relationship between the two of you- some father son activities. Vaping is something teens can do to feel accepted-get attention- from peers. He needs your attention too.

If this was vaping ( water smoke )- it isn't safe - there is nicotine in it right? But of all the things that can be in a puff of smoke, this is the one with the least legal consequences. You don't condone it, but thank goodness it wasn't something else in that smoke- or getting drunk or other means.

His statement that it helps him to cope with the stress at home is a key thing here. He may truly be stressed by it and found that this helps him. The solution is to deal with that stress. Taking  the vaping away, but the stress remains-he may likely look for something else and keep that a secret.

The vaping is a symptom FF. Your task is to get to the reasons behind it. Why is your child so stressed he needs something like a substance to deal with that?

[Notwendy]

When you say your son reminds you of you- that is a key to looking at parts of us we aren't proud of. Kids can do that.

It is also pretty sobering to see our stuff show up in our kids.

When we teach kids about morals, decisions, things like that- we tend to present a perfect ideal- one that likely we didn't meet ourselves.

We teach them not to smoke pot, or drink, but then, they can discover that their parents may not have upheld that. We teach them to wait for marriage to have sex, then they realize their parents might not have done that.

Parents of teens can fall from their pedestals pretty quickly. While we have to present what we believe is right, and what we have possibly learned along the way from our own mistakes, we also have to be real and human to them, as they won't relate to an ideal image.

I recall talking to one of mine about relationships when the reply was " I don't think you and Dad love each other".

Ouch, but they see more than we think.

I have been open with mine about seeking help for co-dependency. They know my background with BPD mom. I don't speak of my H, that is his business, but I have told the kids we have had MC. It's a fine line to walk- TMI isn't appropriate, but neither is pretending all is fine when they can see otherwise.

[formflier]

Why is your child so stressed he needs something like a substance to deal with that?

Well... .I certainly can heap a lot of blame (accurately so) on my wife... .or BPD... .or whatever.

When I was totally "black" S16 was my replacement.  He would be the one that was called in to "testify" about my misdeeds when my wife would decide to hold "trials" about things that were done wrong in the house... .in her opinion.

A trial looks like this.  My wife and I are alone and having a disagrement.  My wife threatens me that if I don't agree or capitulate there will be consequences and she can "prove" she is right.  She would stand and start yelling for the kids... .S16 especially.

"S16... .come quick... .I need you right now... ."  Once other kids are assembled... .and potentially other adults in her family she would start in prosecutor mode... .  ":)idn't daddy do this and that.  S16... .you know you have to be honest here... .  He eventually would "admit" that my wife's version of reality was true.

Those were dark days... .ended late winter/early spring of this year.  Went on for few months.

Obviously... .that is from my perspective.

He is trying to graduate this spring so he can go to college a year early.  He doesn't have the "academic muscle" that first two kids had.  While he won't say it... .I believe one of the reasons that he wants to go to college and live in dorm is to escape the crazy train in our house.

I'm sure he is worried about pulling that off and getting accepted to the school.

FF

[formflier]

When you say your son reminds you of you- that is a key to looking at parts of us we aren't proud of. Kids can do that.
  

And parts that we are proud of.  Of all my kids... .this is the "mini-me".

I am conscious to no "push" any of my kids towards or away from professions.

Oldest son:  Computer engineering
Oldest daughter:  Natural horsemanship
S16:  Wants to study aviation in college and be a Naval Aviator.  Currently more interested in being a Marine than Navy.  He would be a great "fit" in any Naval Aviation ready room.

When I was a teenager I relished pointing out hypocrisy in "the system".  Technically the county I grew up in (mountains of Appalachia) was a "dry" county.  You couldn't buy booze.  Yet I knew where several stills were, in fact the Dad of my first girlfriend was a professional moonshiner.  On the surface... .people pretended it wasn't happening and it was a "super moral" place with bazillions of Baptist churches.

So... .part of my justification for drinking was to thumb my nose at the system... .or perhaps to join in.  

I rarely drink anymore.  It's not an image I want to present.  I don't keep booze in the house.  If I have a ride worked out I will occasionally drink at dinner or meet buddies at a bar.

I don't remember being stressed as a teenager... .I look back fondly on my high school days.  I got really good grades, had great times with friends and enjoyed life.  My home life was stable.

Weirdest thing was my Mom's mom.  She would have outbursts and be unreasonable... .I suppose BPDish.  My parents decided to keep her living 6 hours away and we would visit occasionally.  Visits were short and tightly controlled.  We often left early if grandmother misbehaved.

Grandmother was pulled from school in 8th grade to stay home and be a seamstress.  She was one of 16 kids (yep... .not typo) that survived childhood.  Several kids passed away in childhood.  Family were "dirt farmers" that basically grew there own labor because they couldn't afford to hire any or buy machines.  

Interesting possibly repeating pattern.  My Dad came from "serious successful family".  Farm family that owned land and his Dad ran (head guy) at the bank in a small midwestern town.  He married my Mom that was from an obvious checkered background but was taking great strides to "walk away" from the past.  

Example of odd thing my Dad "put up with" to marry my Mom.  On wedding day, after the marriage ceremony, my Grandmother approached them and "scolded" my Dad that he better be good to my Mom, that he wasn't good enough for her and that my Mom was welcome to come home at any time to "get away from him."  Nice reception after the wedding... .

Contrast with "the talk" they got from my Dad's family shortly before the marriage (matter of weeks).  My grandfather sat them both down, welcomed my Mom to the family and said he would support them as a couple, that they were both welcome at his house anytime but when it came time to solve problems he expected them to solve them as a couple and they would NOT be allowed in the house as individuals to "get away" from each other.  It wasn't a mean talk, just matter of fact and clear.


My Mom was a college professor for her professional life.  My Dad met her in graduate school.

My wife was the first person in her family to graduate college.  I knew about her family but either ignored or didn't pick up on the weirdness and lack of boundaries.  I thought they were really friendly and accepting.

Boy... .this post is going all over the place.  Notwendy is good at asking big questions... .

FF

[empath]

When we were in the midst of the dark days last winter and spring, my d11 (at the time) would say that it was 'stressful' for her to hear my husband's rants about divorce and separation. Eventually, when he was staying at the hospital for a few days, I was able to get to the emotions behind her stress. She was afraid of being alone with him and she didn't know what he might do because he might hurt himself (anger or depression) or her. She knew she wasn't equipped to handle that kind of thing. Since I know this, I've been very conscious of helping her feel safe and talking through things with her that relate to her fears and on her level. I've encouraged her to talk with other appropriate people (like school counselors and teachers), and she has done that. She was a bit worried that her older sister was going to move out to go to college, leaving her alone with just me and dad. Sister isn't moving out; we are in local range of the school. Thankfully, my husband is not a very active parental presence in their lives.

We like to think that the kids don't know what is going on, but they do. They have seen enough to know that things are not right, and they don't have a lot of say in what is going on with the parents. They can describe the behaviors that they see, and the tension that they feel. As they get older, they have more options to do something about their situation.

My older daughter is avoiding being home when her dad is around - spending time with the boyfriend. She is studying sociology, so she may know a bit more about what is happening than she is letting on.

I would encourage you to push a little on his 'stress' description and see if the emotional door opens; there's probably more behind there. Stress is pretty safe and generic.

[KateCat]

Now you're talking. 

Sounds as though your son has "broken the fourth wall" (to borrow a theatrical term) to give you insight into how he is feeling. This alone probably puts him at lower risk for future substance abuse problems. As well as all kinds of other problems.

I'm not sure I ever told my mother how much I suffered, personally, from having an emotionally volatile (and in my case alcoholic) father. I think I felt too sorry for her.

Your psychologist may not be the least bit surprised that things are opening up now. And this may be something she can really help with. Bet she'll be happy to hear that your son has the strengths of honesty and bravery too.

[formflier]

I am making a conscious effort to put my feelings, strength and efforts behind the "goods" in this situation.

There was no effort on my sons part to "hide" this.  He ordered it and had it sent to the house... .I somehow missed it. 


FF

[KateCat]

I think the more your son trusts you (to be able to handle his truths) the more he will share with you.

Would you be open to seeing this teen vaping incident as a perfectly-crafted test for your new skills as family leader?

 

[formflier]

Yep... .that's where my mind is.

What role can I play to be a positive influence in my sons life.  My wife will have whatever reaction she has... .I won't exclude her and I do hope she has a positive influence as well.

My actions are not dependent on hers...

FF

[KateCat]

Nice. 

Not long ago I was heading out to visit my lovely island property when I heard the following announcement (or so I thought): "No smoking or bathing aboard the Washington State Ferries."

It took me a moment to figure it out, because I am old. LOL. But I do remember being a sneaky cigarette smoking teen back in the day.

[Notwendy]

Reading your description of your wife holding court and getting your son to prove her right just gave me the chills.

My mother didn't do this in that way, but when I was his age, she would confide in me about my father, trying to get me on "her side" with their marital issues. Unfortunately, that included telling me about their sexual issues. 

Well, it didn't work. I didn't know about BPD at that time ( don't think many people did) but I did see a clearer picture- as clear as one could see at that age. I did take a psychology class in high school and started to have a concept of what mental illness is. I knew something was going on with my mother. It would be many years later that I would learn what that was, but at that point, I didn't accept the family secret that nothing was wrong.

Like your son, the prospect of college was my hope for getting away from her. I recall in my senior year, counting the days until I could start. Although your son may not be the strongest of students, there are colleges that accept students at many levels. You mentioned that your military status helps with costs. Seniors in high school tend to talk a lot about popular schools, but there are some potentially good schools that might not be on your son's radar. I would encourage him to apply to some where he is likely to get accepted- cast a wide net.

[Grey Kitty]

This is all really good stuff... .but I want to get back to your first fear/concern:

Your wife's idea of who to discipline, and how often differs widely from yours, and the two of you have a long history of really nasty control battles over this.

What do you want to do next?

What direction do you think your wife will take, or what are the likely options?

If there is a conflict, do you have a better plan for it?

Given your history, trying to "talk" to your wife, and work out a plan together is a horrible idea. Yes, it seems like the ideal strategy for good parenting, but I'm betting it will ignite conflict with your wife, rather than resolve anything and have the two of you presenting a good united front.

Perhaps better to act decisively, and hope she will fall in behind you?

[formflier]

Perhaps better to act decisively, and hope she will fall in behind you?

Something for all of you guys to keep reminding me in the future... .is that sorting things out for myself, with wise advice from others... .and then acting on that.  Is usually the best course of action.

Talking her into things... .convincing her that her nephew needs "increased parental vigilance" on our part because of his criminal convictions for alcohol and a list of other things is not a good idea.

My wife knows my stance and the visit from 8 hours away was "hidden" from me, likely for the purpose of me not being involved in setting boundaries until it was too late.

Can I prove it beyond a reasonable doubt... .no.  But... ."more likely than not"... .yep.

Trying to control my wife hiding things... .BAD

Acting decisively and unapologetically when bad behavior shows up in my house.  Slam dunk every time.  They already believe that I'm an a$$hole and likely many other lovely thoughts.  It's freeing to not worry about their opinion.

The other odd dynamic is that my decisions are based on Biblical principals... .so if/when she tries to paint me as an uncaring unbeliever to other parties... .especially if I am involved... .it sets up a really weird dynamic that exposes her hypocrisy.    I do need to think through how hard act/react when situations like this come up.

On the one hand... .I will not participate in "saving her" from her own actions and things she speaks about.  On the other... .I should not pushing something beyond the appropriate point because that will fuel unneeded emotional upset.

What is the appropriate point...   Likely me stating my values and reasons and leaving my wife to explain hers... .

FF

[Grey Kitty]

On the one hand... .I will not participate in "saving her" from her own actions and things she speaks about.  On the other... .I should not pushing something beyond the appropriate point because that will fuel unneeded emotional upset.

What is the appropriate point...   Likely me stating my values and reasons and leaving my wife to explain hers... .

The appropriate point is to shut up with your wife about "values" or "reasons". That is pandora's box. Don't open it. And if she opens it (in a dysregulated provocative way), slam it shut, or get out of there... .like you ended up doing at this starting point. *MAYBE* consider discussing these things with her in those rare open and vulnerable moments with the "good" wife, but I still don't think you need to bring it up.

I don't think you need to explain your values to her at this point in your relationship, decades into it!

Stick to action to deal with your son, and if your wife's action is completely unacceptable, do what you can to stop it.

Action may include limiting contact with the nephew.

Disciplining the nephew is his parents job. Stay clear of that. And if they are disordered and won't do it properly, see above.

Action may include discussions of values and reasons with S16. He's not an adult, and still needs that kind of direction.

I think you have raised enough children (and I've raised none!) that you will have little problem deciding what is the best way to deal with this.

[KateCat]

The appropriate point is to shut up with your wife about "values" or "reasons". That is pandora's box. Don't open it. And if she opens it (in a dysregulated provocative way), slam it shut, or get out of there... .like you ended up doing at this starting point. *MAYBE* consider discussing these things with her in those rare open and vulnerable moments with the "good" wife, but I still don't think you need to bring it up.

This seems fundamental to me too, formflier.

Several mental health professionals have suggested (or even stated clearly) that your wife suffers from a major mental illness. What follows from that, as guidance to you, can only be what Grey Kitty suggests. In my opinion.

Have you had an opportunity to discuss with the psychologist this son/nephew incident? Discussing it with her will likely be much more productive than discussing it with your wife. I think the psychologist has to date shown uncanny ability to grasp your family's challenges and she can help you grow your relationship with this son and with the other children.

You wrote above that you don't remember being stressed as a teenager. That statement struck me because your 16-year-old son has lived some pretty difficult stuff. Does any of what he has experienced remind you of aspects of being in war? 

[formflier]

 
After talking with P.

I have some great strategies... .backed up by research about how to approach potentially addictive things.

Basics:  When you feel "stressed"... .not the time to reach out for addictive substance.   It IS appropriate to be deliberate about picking some kind of self care strategy... .be intentional.

Don't minimize stress... .feel it... .own it... .it's part of life.

I need to be careful about comparing my "idyllic" childhood with S16.  We all had stress... it's relative.  I think I had much less than S16.   However... .stress is stress.

I'll have to think about the war thing.  I could see some ways to tie it in... .

FF

[formflier]

Oh yeah... .a thing to potentially lessen the power struggle.

Instead of talking about "MY" values... .I need to talk about "the" values... .

Potentially "our" values... .but she has a habit of claiming... ."I never agreed to that" (when she did). 

Matter of fact "this is how the values of this house are taught... ."

Likely won't have a massive impact... .but every inch in the right direction helps.

FF

[KateCat]

I see Grey Kitty's powerful approach as something other than the redirecting exercise you just described.

When parental arguments churn on and on in front of the kids and sweep them up in conflict, how can your 16-year-old not feel like a child POW? Hasn't he been paraded and forced to parrot his mom's script?

His mom can't change this dynamic if she suffers the mental illness your psychologist has identified.

But if you combine the solid practical advice on stress from the psychologist with the meta-movement away from conflict that Grey Kitty has proposed, I think you make real progress for all of you.

I keep getting the sense that you're getting closer-closer-closer  but then fall back from time to time into previous forms of thinking. Kind of like an evolutionary leap just about to happen.

[formflier]

  meta-movement away from conflict 

Perhaps a better way to state it... .is that I will make sure conflict matters. 

Inappropriate behavior for teenagers actually happening.  Stop it... .decisively and quickly.  Quicker the better.

Wife prattling on about how she has to work and I don't provide anything for the family... .  Leave it alone.  It's not my job to "correct" her view of the world.  Perhaps later, I may correct a knowledge Gap with kids.

FF

[KateCat]

I've not myself ever heard one spouse express such disrespect for the other in front of children.

Does the psychologist seem to think you should not respond directly to this? Would that mean that children are left to hear this and simply draw their own conclusions? Or would someone help them to understand that their mother would not say these things if she were not suffering from a type of illness? Would it only be appropriate for a professional to tell them this, or would the maligned parent have a role?

What a puzzle!

[empath]

Honestly, FF, I think that the 'values' thing is baiting you. Stick with the issue at hand; your son needs better ways to deal with the stress of living in your household. Values are a higher level discussion, not an emotional one.

Your wife knows full well what your 'values' are and where they come from. There is no need to defend the decisions that you need to make for the good of the children. My husband will sometimes throw out the idea that I'm somehow acting 'unbiblically'; I used to think I needed to defend and argue with him about it. I don't now; I know where I stand and am pretty firm in my beliefs. He can think what he wants. I'm secure knowing that I'm doing the best I know based on my own relationship with God.

[formflier]

I've not myself ever heard one spouse express such disrespect for the other in front of children.

Does the psychologist seem to think you should not respond directly to this? Would that mean that children are left to hear this and simply draw their own conclusions? Or would someone help them to understand that their mother would not say these things if she were not suffering from a type of illness? Would it only be appropriate for a professional to tell them this, or would the maligned parent have a role?

What a puzzle!

I'll put this on the list to go over with her.  It's been a while.  I think I've got this right... .but... .good thing to make sure.  This has been 6 months since something "this bad" has happened... .but I shouldn't assume it will never come back.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I'll put this on the list to go over with her.  It's been a while.  I think I've got this right... .but... .good thing to make sure.  This has been 6 months since something "this bad" has happened... .but I shouldn't assume it will never come back.

I trust you mean go over with the P, not go over with your wife.

One of my rules (hard learned on my own) was to NEVER bring up the crap that came out in a dysregulation at a later time... .or at least not in that form. If I revisited it, I had to enforce boundaries against it again. Totally unneeded fight, what a waste of energy. If my wife needs to get back to an old fight or rant, she will anyways; no reason for me to help that!

OTOH, talking to the P to work out how you will handle it the next time it does pop up sounds like a really good idea.

[Notwendy]

I agree with the idea that your wife baits you with your values. I understand that hearing her say you are not a believer, or mentioning sin, or a Bible quote really touches you at your core, but that is what makes this bait so effective. That doesn't mean it is deliberate- it may just be in the heat of the moment for her, but it works- it hooks you emotionally, turns your focus, gets you defending yourself (JADE) and that is what makes it effective drama bait.

You've established the value foundation for your children. However, one question I have is what is the effect of involving this in the marital drama? Is God the third person in a drama triangle? For your wife, it may be that this is who she is. Dysfunctional people have dysfunctional relationships with others- including God. But God knows this, God made her as she is, and so God doesn't need an explanation for her behavior.

But if you "take the bait" and start defending yourself- you get on to this triangle and so role model this to the children " Mom and Dad are fighting about God again".

What do you do when your wife starts saying disrespectful things  in front of the kids? That is a tough one. I think these regulations begin when she is mentally in victim mode. At this point, I think just about any agreement goes out the window and it is launch the verbal weapons- full on attack and choose the one that hurts. Picking on your faith works. Saying disrespectful things about you to the children works.

I am at a loss for what to do about this one. It is hard to control what someone says. I know that my mother will say anything to anyone about me if it works to get her point across- and she's tried it with my children and husband as well- getting them to be on "her side" against me. Yet, we can have some distance. This is your wife and their mother though- that is a hard one. As young children, we didn't know what was true or not, but as teens we saw a different picture. She would say negative things about our father like your wife has said. I think it would have helped if we knew she had a mental illness, but how to do this without it appearing to be part of the drama triangle is tricky. Although it seems negative to say this, it may have actually worked in her favor- as understanding may have led to some compassion on our part. By our teens, we couldn't stand to be around her. This in turn probably made her feel more like a victim.

Perhaps the P can help you with this one.

[formflier]

Yes... ."she" referenced P.

Keep up the  posting on this.  Definitely want to think this through... .again.  It's been a while since there has been horrible stuff I didn't think I could ignore... .

Usually I would make a quick value statement, that I would not participate in this... and leave.  More for my kids than my wife.  That way they are being "taught" what not to "put up with". 

FF

[KateCat]

As young children, we didn't know what was true or not, but as teens we saw a different picture. She would say negative things about our father like your wife has said. I think it would have helped if we knew she had a mental illness, but how to do this without it appearing to be part of the drama triangle is tricky. Although it seems negative to say this, it may have actually worked in her favor- as understanding may have led to some compassion on our part. By our teens, we couldn't stand to be around her. This in turn probably made her feel more like a victim.

Boy, does this describe how my siblings and I came to feel about our father!

On this Veterans' Day, my thought is that children of veterans in particular deserve to feel pride in their veteran parent(s). If other children in school were saying demeaning things about a war veteran parent, the matter would likely go straight to school administration for action, I would imagine. It wouldn't be a tricky situation.

Yes, I find it hard to see your children retaining respect for their mother as they grow. I do wish I had understood earlier in my childhood that my father was mentally ill. Being left to figure it out alone doesn't seem the optimal course somehow. But, what else to do, exactly?

Can't wait to hear what a present-day psychologist might prescribe for this important challenge.

[Sunfl0wer]

My perspective, fwiw... .

Having the "mentally ill" label for my mom would have served to help me distance from her behavior vs personalize it.  However, it also may have caused some compassion towards her, idk.  Yet, my worry is that labeling her "mentally ill" and me having more compassion likely would have caused me to have tolerated stuff way more than I did.  I likely would have allowed poor behavior, thinking she was ill, therefore somewhat entitled to misbehave. 

I wish instead someone had taught me to look at her behaviors.
Teach me how to set boundaries that revolved around feelings of my own self worth.

Whether my moms behavior was due to mental illness or just her being a horrible person does not change how I deserve to be treated.  Does not change that I needed to learn how to maintain compassion for myself, self care for myself, not allow others "allowances" for bad behavior.

My issue is always that I get caught up in having so much empathy for the other person that. I disregard my own Person.  I would constantly think in terms of Her.  Not upsetting Her.  Trying to convince Her.

I wish someone shifted focus from Her.
And onto Me.

Who do I want to be?
How do I maintain who I am when another person's presense seems to dominate my life?
How do I stay self focused and be more aware of my own feelings, when getting raged at vs worrying about the other person's emotional state.
How do I care for Me and put. Me first when the whole climate of my life and world seems to depend on Her emotional state?

I don't think a label would have helped me do much except could have made it harder to find Me in the mess of her endless tornadoes.  It would help me shift my focus again to disecting Her vs awareness of Me.

But heck,
Ya know
That is just Me.
Sure others have different feelings on that
Yet, I can maintain mine at this stage.