Just realized something important, maybe

[JerryRG]

My exgf was married and divorced shortly after, around one year of marrage. She told me how she would never cheat on her husband, she did engage in emotional affairs with her councilors and doctors. I've learned since our breakup that she did cheat on her husband after denying him intimacy for quit a long period, months of no sex.

He eventually divorced her and burned all her property.

The sudden realization is that my exgfs family really liked her ex husband, and her brother and ex husband are still good friends. They all warned him to stay away from her and he wouldn't listen.

I just spent most of the afternoon with my son's uncle and aunt, we had a nice day and went out to eat. These people are wonderful and they love my son so much and care for him when they can.

Last year after I told my exgf to stay out of my life because she wasn't trying to get well, her family and I cared for my son, I had him 4 days a week and they, 3 days.

I never recognized the pattern, my son's mother has isolated herself from her family and our son just as she did when her husband divorced her. She then got involved in drug abuse, meth and pain meds.

I talk to grandma every day, she expressed her concern about her daughter and the stress of not knowing what she's doing.

My exgf just don't care who she hurts, this scenario has played out once more.

I am truly grateful for her families support and understanding. They certainly could just walk away as well and allow me to do this all on my own. I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner with the family tonight.

They have detatched, she's broken thier hearts so many times, her aunt said she's long since given up trying to understand her. The whole family and now my son have all suffered from her disorder.

Truly sad for my exgf, and for our son, she's throwing away everything for nothing, once more.

Can pwBPD ever stop being self destructive?

[Turkish]

Can pwBPD ever stop being self destructive?

Some people can't or won't.  It sounds like her family is detaching from her,  realizing she is who she is and that as an independent entity,  she's going to do whatever she's going to do.  Though they are family,  they don't carry your burden add a father.  However,  can you link with their strength (and gain support) and detach from her as well?

A thanksgiving dinner sounds grand. They are there to support you and your son.   

[fromheeltoheal]

Can pwBPD ever stop being self destructive?

And to focus on things we can control, can we ever stop being self destructive by not detaching from a borderline?

[One key]

Dont we need to detach from that part of us that made and makes us perfect victims for the BPD?

[JerryRG]

I want to detatch, I need to detatch, I'm starting to understand who and what she is. Yes part of the problem is foo. I don't know what healthy is and again I am making progress in recovery. I am accepting myself, I like myself.

The codependency issues drain me because I'm still people pleasing, just learning yesterday how selfish it is. Still attempting control though any means.

I have missed a lot meetings and that allowed be to back slide.

I'm learning a great deal here on this site and getting lots of kindness, direction and support.

I sometimes feel I'm trying to do too much so I just don't do anything, except care for my son. I have time but I don't use it wisely.

Thanks everyone

I'm going to get well, even if it kills me,

I am very sick too, bronchitis and sinus infection along with the effects of chemo, looking into alternative treatment and going to call a few more places.

[Pretty Woman]

Jerry, that is a great observation.

Mine was married too for about a year. She told me her ex husband cheated on her with his boss and got her pregnant... .they eventually married. I DO believe this, however I learned about the HELL she put him through that led to the cheating.

While I don't condone cheating, this poor guy attempted suicide. She called him a loser for it. Funny thing is she still stalks him on the internet, at least she did when we were together. Sometimes she will say he was the "sweetest guy" but then she will say how terribly he aged and what trash he is. I've seen this poor guy's picture. His eyes look so sad. It's like she killed a part of him.

My ex was pregnant when she met her ex husband. They were very young and he wanted to adopt the baby. In an a-hole move she put the baby up for adoption (which was the best thing she could have done) and he stayed with her. She says she aborted his baby once out of spite... .

and I was with this person! Clearly, something was wrong with me and my judgement.

If someone tells you all the shyty things they have done to others don't ever think you will be exempt.

We aren't a "special snowflake". To them, we are just like everyone else... .props in their "life play".

Because you have a child with your ex I think it's great her family communicates with you. It does seem like they are detaching from her. In my case, my ex's family KNOWS how she treats others yet protects her and throws the blame on the ex. They threaten RO's and are very hostile and unreasonable folks. I work with her sister so that in itself (the hostility and threat of being sued or worse) has make NC essential to my well being. These people have tried to ruin me.

I am very glad for your sake and your son's her family seems to "get it" and maybe she isn't from a hostile environment like mine was.

[JerryRG]

Thank you  Pretty Woman

My doctor, who used to treat my ex and knows her life story told me one time "yes, she's had a rough life but the majority is all her fault"

She's made poor choices, hurt people, blamed others for all her problems, accused people of horrible things, including rape by 9 men to date, tried getting her step dad into legal trouble to break up her parents, burned bridges, burned people, ungrateful, and this all falls under the umbrella of "immaturity"?

Isn't immaturity the hallmark of pwBPD?

The second time she overdosed in my apartment I called for help, sat with her all night, the first thing she said when she came too? "I'm so sore, did you beat me?"

The nurses, who know her, turned and looked at me and rolled their eyes.

And yet,,, I took her back!

This is humbling and humiliating and embarrassing for me, I wonder why I had no self respect, yet thought I had a loving woman. Dur! Lol

[Pretty Woman]

You know what, Jerry. It is embarrassing. It's mortifying.

I feel like I was a different person in that relationship. I did so much for this person only to find out she told people I beat her.

If you saw us you would find that hard to believe. She is much bigger and stronger than I am.

The people who believe it are clinger-on-ers with their own baggage. I will say this... .as you continue to heal you will spot dysfunction almost immediately. You will rid of individuals that are not healthy for you and you will start to pick good people.

We can talk about our exes and all their problems but after awhile all that does is get us stuck. She's disordered and she is bad for you and your life. Period.

We can talk about the could have-would have and should have's but that's irrelevant at this point. Now it's all about YOU. What do you want, Jerry? What you want IS attainable, believe it or not. As long as it is not contingent on her changing. You will never have control over that.

But you and your son can be happy and have a great life.  What are some of the things you want for you and your son going forward? How can you make that happen without the involvement of your ex?

[JerryRG]

I agree, my life is so much better because of my recovery. I have all the tools right now to live the life I want. I was desperate most of my life and struggled to just survive. I was hopeless and helpless and had given in to the lies I learned from sick people. And those who tried to help by keeping me bound to false beliefs and bandages of psychology labels and medications to numb my feelings.

Because of my recovery, my real relationship with my higher power and the support of healthy people here, family, sponsors and church, I only see endless horizons where before I only wanted to sleep in depression.

I am the only one who can hold me back, keep myself sick or well. I am not a victim. I am a human with all the glorious flaws and love just like everyone else.

I am not my past, I am a good father, I have a lot to learn and that's OK too.

I'm a work in progress, I will never be perfect

This is my life, my choices, my dreams and I am grateful for today, this hour, all of life, the pain and the joy.

Without this relationship I would not be here, or alive, or awake.

My ego refuses to accept that one of the most horrible events of my life has, in actuality, given me new life.

I have a son, a perfect beautiful son, who scares me half to death because I'm a failed human in charge of his life. Some fear is healthy, I will find that happy balance.

The door is open, my house is clean, I will focus on the good and let go of the pain. Life is tough, but it's all we get.

Thank you  Pretty Woman

 

[JerryRG]

The Eagles ":)esperado"

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you)
You better let somebody love you before it's too late