I feel so lucky to have found this website

[loveisallyouneed]

Hi,

After a few years of dormancy in the chaotic relationship I have with my mother, a recent family issue has triggered familiar patterns of blaming, shaming, ignoring and fits of rage and anger against me. So much has changed in my life over the past two years with my own divorce and therapy and self-growth that although these events have triggered deep fear and anger, I have a new lens whereby I know my values and boundaries, and I see how what's happening is not my fault. But that was as far as I'd come because I still don't know how to safely communicate my boundaries to my mother.

I was recently reading about BPD and found  bpdfamily. I quickly gravitated towards the boards about children of BPD moms. As I was reading through posts I cried and cried. I cried because I understood what I was reading. I could have written each and every post. I cried because someone understands exactly how I feel, and how it felt for me growing up. I cried too, because for the first time I saw my mother as someone suffering from a mental health disorder, and even though it has affected me greatly, I finally felt pure sadness in my heart for her.

I also grew up with a narcissistic father. He passed 13 years ago, but the events triggering the recent eruption between my mother and I are my adult brother, who sadly is afflicted with both BPD and sever narcissism, and the abusive family dynamics with him, my SIL and my niece and nephew.

I stand in a position where I can look at my mother and my brother with pure compassion and love for their struggle. I feel fortunate that I have the self awareness that I do; fortunate that I don't suffer from either of these mental health disorders, but I also feel the anger. I find myself seeking validation; trying to prove to everyone that I'm good enough; that I'm a good mom; that I'm good at my job, etc.

How do I live with compassion for others, while I seek to find love and validation for myself? How do I communicate my boundaries with people who scare me deeply and make me feel physically and emotionally unsafe? How do I continue to heal and grow alongside these people in my life?

I'm so very appreciative of everyone who has shared their story here. Reading your stories has been so powerful. My hope in posting my own story/journey is to also be a voice that someone can relate to, and to find others who have successfully found ways to heal and communicate and enforce boundaries even when it's scary.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome loveisallyouneed: 

Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm so sorry for your situation and everything you have been through.  I'm glad that you went to therapy.  Congrats on your self-growth and discovering your values and boundaries.

 

How do I live with compassion for others, while I seek to find love and validation for myself? How do I communicate my boundaries with people who scare me deeply and make me feel physically and emotionally unsafe? How do I continue to heal and grow alongside these people in my life?

It can be tough to not have anyone to validate you.  Some people are successful with using self-validation.  You might review the link below and give it a try.

https://www.nvpsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Self-Validation-Skills-2013-Fruzzetti.pdf

Enforcing boundaries isn't easy and it is common to get a reaction (which can dissipate over time, perhaps with an extinction burst or two).  The boundaries are for you, so don't expect the person with a personality disorder to like them. The important thing is to be consistent with them.  Are you able to share some of the boundaries you want to communicate to your mom and brother? 

Have you been physically abused by your mother and/or your brother?  Even if you haven't, I know that some people in an emotional rage can present as if they are about to get physical (or show that they are easily capable of it). 

The article below contains information about having a safety plan, in case of physical violence.  You might want to check it out and think about a plan.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

 

I also grew up with a narcissistic father. He passed 13 years ago, but the events triggering the recent eruption between my mother and I are my adult brother, who sadly is afflicted with both BPD and sever narcissism, and the abusive family dynamics with him, my SIL and my niece and nephew.

Can you share some details about the recent event that involves your brother?

[nenarox2]

Wow,

What you wrote was so great and so kind. I am also in a place of love and wanting to have relationships with the person that abused me as a child and still tries to attack as an adult. Following the links and grateful for your sharing. This is a safe community. Since I reached out in October, I come here daily to get the information that I need. I am currently not speaking to my BPD mother. I hope to one day start the conversation, but the way that you stated "with compassion". I miss my mother, the woman that is kind, but I fear the crazed mother who rants and attacks. I look forward to following this stream and learning what others provide. You are not alone.
Nena.

[loveisallyouneed]

Thank you for reading and responding.

In response:

Oh yes, were we ever physically abused. My mother constantly hurt me physically. My earliest memory is from when I was about 2 1/2. I was in the back seat of our car with my baby brother. I remember it vividly. I was looking up at the 76 sign of the gas station and my baby brother began to cry. We were both in car seats (that's how I know we were young!) Next thing I knew, my mom turned around from the drivers seat and slapped me so hard on the face and yelled at me. I cried so hard, but I remember my heart hurting more. I hadn't done a thing to my brother. I got my hair pulled all the time. I was slapped often. Called names, squeezed. Often she would recruit my grandma to help tell me how horrible I was. One would hold me down and the other would hit me over the head. I was 14 when she last physically hurt me. I asked her to sign a form for school in the morning and she threw her car keys in my face and told me that I was irresponsible. I went to live my dad that day. In between 2 1/2 and 14 I was regularly chastised, and hit. I always remember feeling more sad than in pain, because I felt so unloved and uncared for. Every time she beat me she would squeeze my face in her hands and tell me not to cry. I was never allowed to cry in front of her. My father was absent often, cheating, drunk or on drugs. When he'd get home late he'd come say goodnight and I'd tell him what happened to me that day with my mom and why I was still up crying, and he'd tell me (with yucky beer breath) that I just had a bad dream. Sadly, I was also tortured by our neighbor and sexually abused for years. From a very young age she would lock me in the basement while babysitting me and tell me that ghosts were going to get me. She always told me that my parents didn't love me. Sometimes she would tell me that they had died in a car accident. She used to make me sleep with her at night and touch her body and visa versa. When my mom found out years later, we never spoke of it.

There is much, much more. But the hardest part for me is the anger I feel along with the pain. I know these things happened, but none of the adults in my life who were supposed to love me and keep me safe have ever acknowledged this or tired to help. I felt crazy. Now as an adult I work through all of these things in therapy, but never with anyone who was present. It's like I have to go on living with love in heart even though I felt so unloved and uncared for in my early life, and no one to take responsibility for it. And then there's the fear of being my true self around these people, or sometimes, around others. Saying, no, you can't do this to me, or say this to me, or worse, no you CAN NOT TREAT MY CHILDREN THIS WAY. My children are my strength and my greatest accomplishment in life. I managed to raise them with love and respect. They feel safe in the world. They have always been allowed to be who they are and I respect them as separate individuals.

My brother and his wife and children are a very long, and sad story. I shared this link with my SIL and I hope that she finds something helpful here.

[loveisallyouneed]

Thank you Nena. I have never felt safe joining any type of group before. But reading about others who share my experience feels very safe to me. I'm glad we can be here for each other as we work to make sense of what happened, and as we heal and grow. I feel for you when you say you miss your mom, but there is fear. I can relate. Thank you for sharing that with me.

Wow,

What you wrote was so great and so kind. I am also in a place of love and wanting to have relationships with the person that abused me as a child and still tries to attack as an adult. Following the links and grateful for your sharing. This is a safe community. Since I reached out in October, I come here daily to get the information that I need. I am currently not speaking to my BPD mother. I hope to one day start the conversation, but the way that you stated "with compassion". I miss my mother, the woman that is kind, but I fear the crazed mother who rants and attacks. I look forward to following this stream and learning what others provide. You are not alone.
Nena.