How does one build trust with an uBPDw?

[5min]

So how does one build trust with an uBPDw? I ask this because I continually hear we are in a "period of rebuilding trust." There is no infidelity. There is omission of those things which are triggers.

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[Meili]

The short answer to the question is time and consistency with words and actions.

The longer answer is that trust is really hard to build with a pwBPD. Distrust is at the core of their being because of the fear of abandonment. Trust can be built, but it takes time to do so.

[ArleighBurke]

I heard a TED talk about trust recently - it defined trust as "knowing that your partner shares your values". So if I have a conversation with my partner and I have a different opinion to her - then she feels less trust! And since BPDs have a very poor separation (they don't see you and I, they only see "us", she can't accept my opinion is different to her - so no trust.

Yes trust is difficult. But I think being consistent and open/honest are required. (I know this goes against the above... .) Don't walk on eggshells to keep the peace - instead learn how to talk about your stance, how to talk about issues respectfully and openly. She may get mad, but you are not hiding anything.

[Wrongturn1]

What I always say around here is that people who suffer from BPD are not capable of trusting their spouses or anyone else.  They likely also don't trust themselves.  In my experience, there is no action you can take or consistent set of behaviors that you can implement that will make your BPD spouse trust you. 

So my advice would be not to jump through the hoops that she asks of you as it will not help her and it will hurt you.  Find ways to stop walking on eggshells (i.e., stop omitting those triggers) for your own benefit, and the relationship will likely improve long-term.

[Grey Kitty]

You got some fairly good answers about what you can do already.

When uBPDw says "we need to rebuild trust" or "how can I trust you" or for that matter, anything about your relationship, don't take these statements at face value.

You've stated that you didn't do anything to betray her trust. I'm sure it is true--your behavior isn't the source/cause of this in her.

She's got her own feelings, and they are overwhelming and out of control, and her feelings tend to distort reality, and she says things like this. Her underlying fears or concerns are very real (even if they don't reflect your actions or your character). Try to see what those might be, and perhaps you can address or validate some of them.

Don't let yourself get too distracted by the specific things she says, though. They aren't the cause, and if you address them or deal with them, something else will come up. Yes, listen, and even acknowledge what she says, but don't believe that they are the full, deep, important truth, or at least not just because she says it.

[waverider]

pwBPD struggle to differentiate between trust and predictability.

Trust is about being aware of a persons core values so that you know they will do right by you however they go about things ie their "bottom line". ~a persons feelings or beliefs

Predictability is more about how someone will specifically react so that you can work with or around them, or have them fit around you.~a persons actions

pwBPD have low core values hence they struggle with an appreciation of the former, and rely on the latter in order to determine their own actions. Saying you dont trust someone projects responsibility for the problem onto the other person. eg "I can't trust you" vs "I can't predict you".

To try to create predictability to compensate for trust issues simply smothers your individuality, ultimately leading to resentment.

I would prefer to be consistent and let others interpret from that what they will.

The only explanation needed is to say "what is the worse thing that has happened? What has changed to make anything likely to be different?"

Dont sacrifice yourself to sell your story. Empirical evidence can tell that tale.