Hello, this is new for me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello.
I am a 20 year old female who's mother has BPD. My father got into an accident shortly after I was conceived and suffered a traumatic brain injury. He and I no longer talk as much do to abuse from him and my parent's separation followed by divorce. My mother did her best to raise me but I have seen a lot of trouble in my life. Since I have been in therapy since preschool, I know that both of my parents have abused me most of my life. My mother does not see it coming from her. She believes that I am a terrible daughter who does not love her. I have done all I can to make her happy. She has BPD, depression, anxiety, ptsd, CML, a dependency disorder (dependent on me) and abandonment issues. I attend a local university and I now live in a house with three roommates. My boyfriend is moving in in December. I apologize if this post is going everywhere, I have a hard time getting all the information to line up orderly. My mother gets mad at me when I have healthy friendly relationships with other adults besides her. My best friend's mother is like a second mom to me and has been for some time. She housed me when my mother became to violent with me. My mother has anger issues and sometimes would slap me or punch me in the arm. she would apologize and cry but when brought up later, say i deserved it. I admit I became disrespectful to her, but only after pushed into a corner (not physically). I believe in giving respect when it is deserved, and no single person is obligated to have my time or respect if they treat me poorly without cause. My mother has since turned my entire family against me. They all hate me and think im a terrible daughter. She has a dependency problem to the point where if i don't see her for a week she breaks down and then believes I don't love her anymore. I work full time and attend school full time. I am also managing a serious long term relationship as well as maintaining my role in an organization. I love my mom so much and I don't know what to do. She has told me countless times that she wants to kill herself because of me. Im the reason she doesnt want to live anymore. then the next minute she begs me not to leave and how much it would kill her if i ever moved away; that i have to take her with me if i move. My boyfriend and I aren't engaged as of yet and my mother is already scared that our children will love my boyfriend's family more. She is so paranoid about anyone i interact with. I love my boyfriend's family. I had them meet my mother and it all went well. After, my mother proceeds to make fun of how "normal" they are then makes a snarky comment about how some children like to spend time with their parents. I LOVE spending time with my mom when she isn't putting me down, making me feel guilty, or making me feel like i'm not good enough. I have ptsd from a past abusive relationship and my childhood and she somehow still has the power to break me down. She is currently in a mental health clinic because of me, once again. This is twice in one month. Last time it was because I said she couldn't move in with me. She begged and pleaded but I know if i let her im risking all the progress ive made in my mental health and she would never leave. The situation is tough. she is living with her bedridden mother with dementia and her step father who was "too friendly" with her when she was a teenager. She has siblings and a friend who have previously housed her and are capable of doing it again. I am not her only option. Yet she makes me feel like ___ because i told her no. This time she went to the hospital saying she would kill herself because of me because she asked if she could live with me if anything happened to her mom. I said id have to check with my roommates but probably not. It wouldn't be healthy for either of us. She again, has siblings and a friend she could stay with if necessary. I feel like a terrible daughter. My psychiatrist and trauma therapist want me to cut her out of my life completely. I don't think i could do that. I know she would kill herself. Not to mention she is seeking help for her BPD. She is trying. I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless and the more I read up on BPD the more I lose hope that my mom will be... .better. I love her. I want what's best for her. I also want to survive this with my own mental health intact.

[roseangel95]

Hello.
I am a 20 year old female who's mother has BPD. My father got into an accident shortly after I was conceived and suffered a traumatic brain injury. He and I no longer talk as much do to abuse from him and my parent's separation followed by divorce. My mother did her best to raise me but I have seen a lot of trouble in my life. Since I have been in therapy since preschool, I know that both of my parents have abused me most of my life. My mother does not see it coming from her. She believes that I am a terrible daughter who does not love her. I have done all I can to make her happy. She has BPD, depression, anxiety, ptsd, CML, a dependency disorder (dependent on me) and abandonment issues. I attend a local university and I now live in a house with three roommates. My boyfriend is moving in in December. I apologize if this post is going everywhere, I have a hard time getting all the information to line up orderly. My mother gets mad at me when I have healthy friendly relationships with other adults besides her. My best friend's mother is like a second mom to me and has been for some time. She housed me when my mother became to violent with me. My mother has anger issues and sometimes would slap me or punch me in the arm. she would apologize and cry but when brought up later, say i deserved it. I admit I became disrespectful to her, but only after pushed into a corner (not physically). I believe in giving respect when it is deserved, and no single person is obligated to have my time or respect if they treat me poorly without cause. My mother has since turned my entire family against me. They all hate me and think im a terrible daughter. She has a dependency problem to the point where if i don't see her for a week she breaks down and then believes I don't love her anymore. I work full time and attend school full time. I am also managing a serious long term relationship as well as maintaining my role in an organization. I love my mom so much and I don't know what to do. She has told me countless times that she wants to kill herself because of me. Im the reason she doesnt want to live anymore. then the next minute she begs me not to leave and how much it would kill her if i ever moved away; that i have to take her with me if i move. My boyfriend and I aren't engaged as of yet and my mother is already scared that our children will love my boyfriend's family more. She is so paranoid about anyone i interact with. I love my boyfriend's family. I had them meet my mother and it all went well. After, my mother proceeds to make fun of how "normal" they are then makes a snarky comment about how some children like to spend time with their parents. I LOVE spending time with my mom when she isn't putting me down, making me feel guilty, or making me feel like i'm not good enough. I have ptsd from a past abusive relationship and my childhood and she somehow still has the power to break me down. She is currently in a mental health clinic because of me, once again. This is twice in one month. Last time it was because I said she couldn't move in with me. She begged and pleaded but I know if i let her im risking all the progress ive made in my mental health and she would never leave. The situation is tough. she is living with her bedridden mother with dementia and her step father who was "too friendly" with her when she was a teenager. She has siblings and a friend who have previously housed her and are capable of doing it again. I am not her only option. Yet she makes me feel like ___ because i told her no. This time she went to the hospital saying she would kill herself because of me because she asked if she could live with me if anything happened to her mom. I said id have to check with my roommates but probably not. It wouldn't be healthy for either of us. She again, has siblings and a friend she could stay with if necessary. I feel like a terrible daughter. My psychiatrist and trauma therapist want me to cut her out of my life completely. I don't think i could do that. I know she would kill herself. Not to mention she is seeking help for her BPD. She is trying. I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless and the more I read up on BPD the more I lose hope that my mom will be... .better. I love her. I want what's best for her. I also want to survive this with my own mental health intact.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Roseangel95!

Thank you so much for coming to our site and for sharing your story with us.  You need our family here to support you, especially in this hard time. How did you learn about us?

There is a lot of information here (which can be overwhelming at first), but there really is no rush. Take your time to read and absorb what is helpful to you. You'll continue to discover more as your needs arise, and there are always welcoming hearts and ears to help you with experiences from our own lives and dealings with a pwBPD.

Let me start by saying I'm so sorry for the pain and hurt in your life from having a mom with BPD. I can understand so well when you say this:

This time she went to the hospital saying she would kill herself because of me because she asked if she could live with me if anything happened to her mom.

How often my uBPDm said the same thing, that she wanted to go and kill herself because of me and something I didn't do that she wanted done. I have also been in T for a while now, and I'm really glad that you are getting help. Please know that her choices are her choices and hers alone.

Have you ever read about FOG?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This might be of help to you as you explore the fact that your mom's disorder contributes to her abusive treatment of you and the healing on of blame. How much we have all struggled with the fight to be free from the blame shifting and the hurt and guilt with which we live. Yet, truly we are not responsible for how they chose to react.

I recall an illustration from my T in which he challenged my thinking that I was to blame for the fact that my mom wanted to kill herself, or any other time she projected her feelings on to me. As an adult I carry the same behavior over into my current life and have frequently blamed myself for everything that displeased someone or caused them to be unhappy. One day my T said he was mad because I was wearing black shoes with a zipper on them, or because I moved my purse. "Who is responsible for my anger?" he asked. I thought I was but he asked more questions. ":)id you wear those shoes to deliberately cause my anger?" No, I'd just worn them or just moved my purse. He instructed me that he was actually responsible for how he responded. If he didn't like my purse, that's his choice, not mine. I had to ponder this for some time, reminding myself that I really am not responsible for how my mom reacted. She's an adult and able to decide.

I hope that gives you a little bit to ponder upon and I look forward to hearing more from you soon!
 
Wools

[HappyChappy]

Hi Roseangel95,

I’m so sorry you have had to endure all this in your childhood. Sounds like your BPDm has projected unfair blame onto you big time. Saying someone else is the reason you want to die is just so unfair and untrue. An adult is responsible for their own emotions, if anything the parent should help the child emotionally not other way around. You mention your BPDm is trying to get help, what progress has she made here ?

On a costive note you do seam remarkably clued into what has been happening at such a young age. To be aware of BPD at 20 is pretty insightful. You mentioned you had PTSD, as do I. So it makes sense that someone displaying the behaviour that caused the PTSD would trigger you. Also a BPD is expert on finding out our weeks spots (triggers). So you are right to guard against that. Probably why your medical experts suggested no contact. I know I was told to go NC whilst I had CBT for PTSD. CBT doesn’t work if you are agitated, and my BPD is an expert agitator.  We can not help others if we ourselves are drowning.

It does sound like you are still battling F.O.G. and that maybe you need to focus on your own recovery, just until you are stronger, rather than helping others right now. What helped me with this was understanding that we children of BPD have been groomed to help our BPD mothers, put them first and that means we put ourselves last, which isn’t normal. Isn’t healthy. So it is ironic, and unfair, that our BPD can still guilt us about not doing enough, when the truth is probably the opposite.

But never forget that a BPD is very Macavillian, so they will always kick things off, they will always critise, they will always have a scapegoat. We can not stop that. I went NC 3 years ago, because my medical experts were telling me the same thing yours were. It was soo hard to do. But I have healed. So now I may have the strength to go back into the battle field with my BPDm. I went from confused, scared and anxious, to having clarity. To feeling in control again. It took a couple of years. I would be interested in your view on all this ?    

[roseangel95]

Thank you both for writing back to me, I honestly thought it would never be read or replied to.   
 Woolspinner2000 I learned about y'all from looking on google "BPD mother support group". I was trying to see if there was a local group I could attend in person but for the time being I saw this website and decided to give it a try. I was looking for quick information due to the fact that I don't know when my mom is going to get out of the mental facility she is in currently and I wanted to be as prepared as possible. I read up on the blaming information you have given me. my T and I tried this previously. It didn't go well. she completely lashed out. I had put a boundary up within our relationship of no physical contact, strictly text, no phone calls. (this is when it got really bad with her.) She was out of control. I honestly cant remember how we lost that boundary. She keeps blaming me for changing and how our relationship isn't how it used to be (when I was a child). She made me a pseudo husband a little after her and my father split up. she wanted me to sleep with her in her bed and cuddle me on the couch and have me there every night. It got worse the closer I got to leaving for college. It became uncontrollable when I faced a trauma with my ex-fiance (was engaged at 17) and my mother blames herself for my trauma but also blames me for who i am sexually (I am sexually healthy, my ex was not) (it was a sexual trauma involving underage activity; He wasn't who I thought he was). She says she feels betrayed by my ex, and acts like it affected her worse than it did I. she does this is multiple situations. I feel i cant have emotions or mourn because she is dealing with it far more than i ever could. Does BPD ever get better where I can have a healthy relationship with my mom? I crave an actual parental relationship since i lack a father and healthy mother, but i worry that is what is putting me in more harms way.

HappyChappy my mom is seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and is on multiple medications (mood stabilizer, ADD, Depression, Anxiety). She also goes to group therapy for BPD. I don't know if it is working or helping or what. I have met her therapist and some of the things my mom says he says doesn't add up. I met him for a group therapy appointment with my mom and her twin and I shortly after my trauma with my ex (about a month after) because my mom was mad at me because I had changed. (i just got diagnosed with PTSD and anyone with ptsd changes, we can't help it as you know.) He sympathized just as y'all do and was agreeing that my mother and i's relationship is unhealthy. my mother reports to me that he says bad things about me and how i'm a bad daughter and how she should feel hurt by me etc. I don't think that is the truth and I don't think my mom is telling him the truth or if she can even recognize it. her T is the one who diagnosed her with BPD. I was clued into BPD with my mom because she got the diagnosis and came to me to tell her what that meant. I never heard of it so I did some research and tried to explain to her what I found. I'm still trying to learn. Do you mind me asking how your journey with NC was like? I'm terrified and I feel such a strong devotion to my mom. I don't want anything to happen to her and I want her love and approval but I also feel like it comes at such a high cost. I have been fighting off depression for many years but due to recent events im slowly losing the battle. Luckily I have an amazing support group (roommates, friends and my BF) that get me out of the house and try to get me to focus on school. My T and Psych are worried about me developing BPD. I too am scared and worried that I wouldn't even recognize the signs if i were developing it.
I don't know what my life would be like with my mom still in it, and what it would be like with NC. I fear what will happen in the future when I have a family of my own.
thank you both so much for replying to me, I hope I will hear from y'all soon!   

[HappyChappy]

... was mad at me because I had changed. (i just got diagnosed with PTSD and anyone with ptsd changes, we can't help it as you know.)... .
... .Do you mind me asking how your journey with NC was like? I'm terrified and I feel such a strong devotion to my mom. I don't want anything to happen to her and I want her love and approval ... .I have been fighting off depression for many years but due to recent events im slowly losing the battle.

There are similarities between our situations, in that I also have PTSD. But what helped was when they realised it was C–PTSD or Developmental PTSD (sometimes called child PTSD). This is typical for kids of BPD, and the approach to treatment is different. So be clear on what type of PTSD you have.

Also a BPD will always find fault, so accusing you of something you can do nothing about, such as changing, is very BPD. But the defence is not caring what they think, because we can’t really do anything about that. Now I got close to that before I left home. I remember a friend asking me if I loved my mom (because he hated her) and I said no. Others in the group found that bizarre, so I turned it into a joke. But it was defiantly no and always will be. So NC for me with my BPD was easy. The NHS would not treat me with CBT unless I was not agitated (it’s severely rationed on the NHS), so I had to go NC to get the treatment.

But your relationship with your BPD sounds very different. So there are LC options, techniques to help contain things. But be sure you are healing first. It is also encouraging your BPD is in therapy, that’s rare, so well done her. But you acknowledge your battle with depression is being lost. That does suggest you must put yourself first. You BPD will manage without you. If you fall ill, would she drop everything and dedicate herself to your recovery ? It sounds like you need to put yourself first right now.

For me NC was tough the first 6 months to a year, and then it felt normal and right. However my BPD did turn those she lived with against me, but sometimes you have to cut out healthy tissue, to cure cancer. Now I have healed I realise that I have thrived with friends, but been dragged down by the BPD dynamic. So I need to maximise friends, and reduce BPD.

Ironically pretty much everyone that knows my BPD, can’t understand why I want to get back in touch. But we know, a BPD has groomed us to stay enmeshed. Anyway, I hope that helps, and feel free to post more questions or PM me if it helps.   

[Woolspinner2000]

Roseangel95,

Please know that it is totally normal the when you attempted to set up boundaries that your uBPDm went balistic. They don't like any form of boundaries because they perceive it as rejection. It doesn't make it wrong that you set up a boundary, but it sure makes it tough.

Boundaries are set up in order to protect you and I, or those who establish them, and a BPD will not respect them. One of the keys to setting them is maintaining them no matter the hurricane type of onslaught they exert against us. I know all to well how tough it is. I had become so Co-dependent that I couldn't keep the boundary up very long. Yet as I began to get stronger and felt a greater stepping away from the co-dependency, I was, baby step by baby step, able to remain firm and strong. You will too with practice, but it is so very hard.  Don't give up! It takes courage and I perceive that you have it and some resilience too! 

Here is a link about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Take time to discuss this with your T when you get the chance. Try something small at first, such as limiting phone calls per day or texts or something along those lines. Those are just some ideas. What boundaries do you think of that you would like to try and set up? We can just theorize first.

 
Wools