What were your experiences when you chased a BPD loved one?

[Curiously1]

Just curious.
If you kept chasing, does that usually bring them back?
What were your experiences when you chased a BPD... ?
What were their reactions to chasing?

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[Lockjaw]

Ignoring mine works the best. She doesn't like it because it takes away her power, and because her fear is abandonment, so when she starts her mess and wants to argue, I stop talking and don't call her. I will message her something short and sweet, like I love you or I miss you, but... .I make it clear I don't want to argue and fight.

If you are fearful of losing them, then they have all the power.

[FallBack!Monster]

Just curious.
If you kept chasing, does that usually bring them back?
What were your experiences when you chased a BPD... ?
What were their reactions to chasing?

Not sure what's meant by chasing but will comment.
Chasing as an trying to keep in touch, no avail. Seem the more I reached the further i was pushed. Chasing me doesn't work either. Depends on who is being chased and the purpose for chasing. Rekindling love, easy does it. Friends first with no expectations would be my way.  Otherwise, will end up right where you were. Does that make sense to you?
Good day.

[bobcat2014]

Just curious.
If you kept chasing, does that usually bring them back?
What were your experiences when you chased a BPD... ?
What were their reactions to chasing?

It smothers them (engulfment).

You have to act uninterested and that makes them interested. This is only true if you are not split black.

Once they split it is tough or near impossible... .

[Meili]

My experience has been quite the opposite of "ignore them." That being said, I don't advocate chasing either.

My position is that you should live your life to be the best you that you can be. If the other person wants to continue on your journey with you and you want them to come along, that's all the better!

I don't chase, but I reassure that I'm not going anywhere either.

[Warcleods]

My experience has been quite the opposite of "ignore them." That being said, I don't advocate chasing either.

My position is that you should live your life to be the best you that you can be. If the other person wants to continue on your journey with you and you want them to come along, that's all the better!

I don't chase, but I reassure that I'm not going anywhere either.

I think that's sound advice.  The chasing game is for teenagers and it's to be expected among teenagers.  I found myself being lured into that game and then she would reverse it as if I was the one perpetrating the distancing.  Granted, there were a few times that she pissed me off and I needed some time to cool off and gather my thoughts, but it was never a malicious or intended game of ignoring her.  She however, accused me of distancing all of the time. 

[Lockjaw]

I get accused of intentionally ignoring her to hurt her. As in, I won't answer her call if I am in a restaurant eating and we are fussing. Or If I am in the shower, and the phone rings and I don't hear it. Or if I go hunting, and the ringer is off, so I can't hear it.

Also if I am at work, my boss is in my office, I am on the phone with someone else.

Pretty much anytime she calls me and I don't answer and she wants me to, I am intentionally ignoring her to hurt her.

And then there are the times I would scream and yell at her (because I have allowed her to get in my head and push my buttons) until my vocal chords were bleeding, yes then I ignore her on purpose.

Her ability to get the light of truth off her is mind boggling. I know I can get an AMEN on that.

[FallBack!Monster]

"if i go hunting, and the ringer is off, so I can't hear it. "
" I am on the phone with someone else. "

"Pretty much anytime she calls me and I don't answer and she wants me to, I am intentionally ignoring her to hurt her."

" I have allowed her to get in my head and push my buttons"
"yes then I ignore her on purpose"

"Her ability to get the light of truth off her is mind boggling."

AMEN

[Herodias]

It depends... .if they have moved on to someone else and have used you up, it does no good. If you love bomb them and don't let them know you are on to them, you can recycle. It's not worth it. I believe once a relationship is done, no matter what kind, it needs to be done. Take it from me who has taken almost every person in my life back for several attempts at a relationship, marriage and even friends... .none of them worked out in the end! I'm a very slow learner. Always giving second and third chances. Never again.

[Curiously1]

Ignoring mine works the best. She doesn't like it because it takes away her power, and because her fear is abandonment, so when she starts her mess and wants to argue, I stop talking and don't call her. I will message her something short and sweet, like I love you or I miss you, but... .I make it clear I don't want to argue and fight.

If you are fearful of losing them, then they have all the power.

Has she ever split you completely black before? It is good that you keep your boundaries/power 

Not sure what's meant by chasing but will comment.
Chasing as an trying to keep in touch, no avail. Seem the more I reached the further i was pushed. Chasing me doesn't work either. Depends on who is being chased and the purpose for chasing. Rekindling love, easy does it. Friends first with no expectations would be my way.  Otherwise, will end up right where you were. Does that make sense to you?
Good day.

By chasing, I mean that if they ignore you you consistently or now and again contact them to see if they will see you in a good light again. If chasing will reassure them or just p*ss them off . I understand that for things to get better you will need to change your strategy in dealing with things and to make sure that you get what you need/deserve too... whether that looks like continuing an unequal relationship dynamic but thinking it's worth it anyway or saying goodbye and moving on permanently.

It smothers them (engulfment).

You have to act uninterested and that makes them interested. This is only true if you are not split black.

Once they split it is tough or near impossible... .

So if you are split black then chasing you have found did not work? BPD have out of sight out of mind too. They'll only remember you if they need to. My guess was that reminding them you are around will give you more chances of repairing a relationship than letting everything fade out. That is, if you want them back in some way shape or form it would take some persistence?

My experience has been quite the opposite of "ignore them." That being said, I don't advocate chasing either.

My position is that you should live your life to be the best you that you can be. If the other person wants to continue on your journey with you and you want them to come along, that's all the better!

I don't chase, but I reassure that I'm not going anywhere either.

If you do not chase, how do you reassure them you are not going anywhere either and or had not abandoned them? What do you think the difference between chasing/reaching out and just letting them know you care to have them in your life is? How would you word that to them that doesn't come across like you really need them? I agree though that  it's best to just live your life and have the people who want to stay, stay and let the ones who don't go for a peace of mind.

My experience has been quite the opposite of "ignore them." That being said, I don't advocate chasing either.

My position is that you should live your life to be the best you that you can be. If the other person wants to continue on your journey with you and you want them to come along, that's all the better!

I don't chase, but I reassure that I'm not going anywhere either.

I think that's sound advice.  The chasing game is for teenagers and it's to be expected among teenagers.  I found myself being lured into that game and then she would reverse it as if I was the one perpetrating the distancing.  Granted, there were a few times that she pissed me off and I needed some time to cool off and gather my thoughts, but it was never a malicious or intended game of ignoring her.  She however, accused me of distancing all of the time. 

How would she reverse it to make it look as though you have been distancing? Did she seem like she wanted you to chase her more than not and react if you did not? Have you ever tried chasing her? If so, what happened?

I get accused of intentionally ignoring her to hurt her. As in, I won't answer her call if I am in a restaurant eating and we are fussing. Or If I am in the shower, and the phone rings and I don't hear it. Or if I go hunting, and the ringer is off, so I can't hear it.

Also if I am at work, my boss is in my office, I am on the phone with someone else.

Pretty much anytime she calls me and I don't answer and she wants me to, I am intentionally ignoring her to hurt her.

And then there are the times I would scream and yell at her (because I have allowed her to get in my head and push my buttons) until my vocal chords were bleeding, yes then I ignore her on purpose.

Her ability to get the light of truth off her is mind boggling. I know I can get an AMEN on that.

When they can't have what they want from you immediately, they expect the worst has happened, don't they? What do you say to her when she tells you you intentionally do things to hurt her?

It depends... .if they have moved on to someone else and have used you up, it does no good. If you love bomb them and don't let them know you are on to them, you can recycle. It's not worth it. I believe once a relationship is done, no matter what kind, it needs to be done. Take it from me who has taken almost every person in my life back for several attempts at a relationship, marriage and even friends... .none of them worked out in the end! I'm a very slow learner. Always giving second and third chances. Never again.

"If you love bomb them and don't let them know you are on to them, you can recycle"
what do you mean by not let them know you are on to them? Love bomb by doing what?
Sadly it is true that usually once it is over there is no going back. Happily, once it is over there is no going back too. You took them back as in they normally chased you?have you chased

[Lockjaw]

I don't know what split black means. Maybe there is a terms listing that I need to read.

She doesn't do well with the concept of there are times I can't answer the phone. If you met her and talked to her, you would get the impression she is very strong and won't take any crap, however, if I give her the cold shoulder and tell her I want to move on, she flips out and will chase me and bug me to death. Just come see me... .etc.

She then will give me a hard time about it giving me a big head. It doesn't. I wish things were different. I wish she could see things the way I do, and others do. She has blown up my phone at work, and I have 2 women there I usually eat lunch with on friday. We just bring something from home, or pick up something, and catch up.

If she calls me during that time, then they are more important than she is. I can text her and let her know I am eating with them, and that doesn't matter. She will keep calling. They see it. They know its wrong.

I told her she needed to respect my work time. She says you used to message with me at work. I said messaging when things are good is one thing, trying to resolve a fight (useless) during work time via messages is different. I am not going to do that anymore. She still messages me.

I can tell her I am angry and don't want to talk and she will blow up my phone. I have turned it completely off before. She would come to a restaurant where I was eating alone because we were fighting because I wouldn't answer my phone, if she knew where I was.

I have learned there is no rational thinking when she gets off the reservation. There is nothing I can say or do that soothes her, until she exhausts herself. Sometimes I have to resort to being ugly for a few days to get her worn down where she can see. I HATE it when that happens. She is like a car with the gas pedal stuck and the steering locked and the doors locked going in a circle in a parking lot. It won't stop until its out of gas.

She thinks I need to stand there and take it. That I need to listen to her rant, listen to her venom, take her abuse, and shots, and sarcasm, and snark, and cutting comments, and insults, and just be sweet and kind and loving and most importantly, not withdraw at all. She thinks I need to be the person who comes to her every time, even though she is the primary fight starter. I need to be the person actively trying to resolve it, all the while being abused in the process.

While I think in theory, some of that is a good thing, in real life, its very difficult. I am not Jesus. I can't forget. So when its the same thing over and over and over again, patience wears thin. And then too, when you have some raving crazy psycho person in your face, at some point biology is going to kick in, and you will move them out of your space, especially if you are cornered.

So because I like guns, and want to keep them, standing there taking abuse isn't an option for me. I don't need nor do I want a domestic violence charge. I don't want it on my permanent record, nor do I want it on my mental record. I have explained this to her as well. I do not ever want to be that kind of guy.

[Curiously1]

I don't know what split black means. Maybe there is a terms listing that I need to read.

She thinks I need to stand there and take it. That I need to listen to her rant, listen to her venom, take her abuse, and shots, and sarcasm, and snark, and cutting comments, and insults, and just be sweet and kind and loving and most importantly, not withdraw at all. She thinks I need to be the person who comes to her every time, even though she is the primary fight starter. I need to be the person actively trying to resolve it, all the while being abused in the process.

While I think in theory, some of that is a good thing, in real life, its very difficult. I am not Jesus. I can't forget. So when its the same thing over and over and over again, patience wears thin. And then too, when you have some raving crazy psycho person in your face, at some point biology is going to kick in, and you will move them out of your space, especially if you are cornered.

Lockjaw you sound like you are doing the best you can and giving firm boundaries and taking good care of yourself. You sound like you can handle you gf very well  I find it very admirable that you don't lose yourself in the process of the disorder that can't help but challenge what we are capable of handling consistently and can wear and tear a person down after some time. You say that the drama wears you thin and that is completely understandable. She sounds like a lot to handle. I like your car analogy!

Splitting black "Splitting is a term that describes difficulty with the ability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs about oneself or others. In other words, positive and negative attributes of a person or event are not joined together into a cohesive set of beliefs." Found this definition here: https://www.verywell.com/what-is-splitting-425210

Basically being split fully black would mean that a person with BPD has discarded you at some point and believe that you are the devil You become the focal point of extreme negativity and seen as an all bad person because of their negative emotions. They can no longer see any of your good qualities.

In anyway I wonder, do you find her being out of control, her drama starting and pining for you attractive too? Just wondering because I personally find "psycho" women more attractive cos I feel better and in control in comparison which I am working on but that is my own issue. The addiction to drama . What makes you decide to stick it out for her when there are plenty of other healthier women who won't cause so much escalation and drama? I suppose it is about weighing the pros and cons just like any other relationship? The part where you describe you wished she could see things from your point of view... I found myself feeling the same way and it's frustrating to accept that they have so much difficulty with stuff we probably think comes naturally.

[Meili]

My experience has been quite the opposite of "ignore them." That being said, I don't advocate chasing either.

My position is that you should live your life to be the best you that you can be. If the other person wants to continue on your journey with you and you want them to come along, that's all the better!

I don't chase, but I reassure that I'm not going anywhere either.

If you do not chase, how do you reassure them you are not going anywhere either and or had not abandoned them? What do you think the difference between chasing/reaching out and just letting them know you care to have them in your life is? How would you word that to them that doesn't come across like you really need them? I agree though that  it's best to just live your life and have the people who want to stay, stay and let the ones who don't go for a peace of mind.

I reassure my x by being as consistent as I can in words and actions. She tries to push me away, I let her know that I'm not going anywhere. If she tries to run, I tell her that isn't my preferred decision, but I love and respect her enough to respect her decision.

After six weeks of NC, I sent my x a letter apologizing for my part in the demise of the relationship. I let her know that I still love her and she was still important to me. But, by living my own life, I am able to show her that I want her in my world rather than needing her.

To me, chasing would involve playing games and sacrificing my own dignity in order to try to woo her back. That isn't healthy. It creates a dynamic that is damaging and unsustainable.

[jrharvey]

I have never known a HUMAN that did not feel an ego boost from feeling chased. Male or female we both like it. I think with my experience with all females in my life they seem to enjoy being chased but they also see less value in a man that "chases". Ive had so many female friends that get a call from a guy and they say "ughh so annoying, this guy is just soo in to me" or something like that. One of my best friends was like that. She would find a guy that was extremely good looking with a great job, good personality and the perfect catch. Then he would reach out and pursue her. She felt uneasy about that. She would say its weird that he text her every day or say "hey good morning". At the same time she would pick guys that were uninterested and OBSESS OVER THEM! These losers with no job and probably cheated. She would complain to me that they don't show her enough attention and she would consider leaving him but couldn't do it.

Its all about emotion. When someone believes they can have you at any time they feel free to do whatever. When they feel the fear of loss or they think you might drift away they try to get you closer and may be more willing to jump into a relationship with you. My advice is to play it cool and let her come to you.

Keep in mind her BPD may sense abandonment and cause her to rage and freak out that you stopped talking to her.

[PretentiousBread]

My experience has been quite the opposite of "ignore them." That being said, I don't advocate chasing either.

My position is that you should live your life to be the best you that you can be. If the other person wants to continue on your journey with you and you want them to come along, that's all the better!

I don't chase, but I reassure that I'm not going anywhere either.

That is literally telling them that they can do whatever they want, and you'll be waiting as a backup. That feeds their mistreatment of you.