Why is it that you strive to do the right thing...you fail

[tmarshal2016]

Recently,I spoke to an attorney regarding my divorce... .I have learned the most  horrible news. Since the other party does not work and depending on the amount of child custody I recieve or fight for... .I'm going to pay my ex a large sum of money for a long time... .a lot of $$$ though... she has never worked since we got married. I thought I wanted a traditional family life... .the husband works and wife stays home... .traditional;however this will back fire on me... .like everything else I thought was nobel and a good husband... .  ... .my reality is that this divorce will ultimately destroy me... .emotionally and financially... .everything I worked for to establish a family is now being taken away by my BPD wife bend on destroy me every shape and form (splitting) she hate me now and I still don't truly understand why... .the attorney I spoke to ... pretty much lay it out for me... .show me the break down... .worst case scenarios... .I've come to the conclusion, I'm going to be screwed... .all I have ever wanted was to keep my family together but she wants out and does not care what's the harm will be. again she hates me so much... .like my other post " Am I crazy?"... .I'm going crazy... .how can someone who lives his life wanting to help people( my job) gets screwed  in the end... .I welcome any advice no matter what would be said... .I'm so depressed and stressed right now... .unable to feel that I am going to survive this... I see no light all I see is darkness... like the wife said to me at one point... ."it's going to be ugly" and she ment it... .she warned me for the last 5 years she was only here for my children but I didn't believe her until now... .She also said you are going to realize that you family will be going and you'll see... .Please Help!

[Sluggo]

tmarshal2016,

I don't have the answer to those questions you have.  But I can say that I have asked the same ones.  Money has been flying out the window just so I can see my kids. 

the wife said to me at one point... ."it's going to be ugly" and she meant it

My wife has said something similar.  She said that you are going to grow old and be lonely with all your children hating you just like some of your siblings hated your father.  That struck me where it really hurts.

 

[tmarshal2016]

Did not get much sleep in the last 4 weeks since she found out I filed for the divorce, which she told me to do but that does not matter anymore.  I truly fear my wife (she's the scary monster) and going through is process is the worse thing I have ever gone through. I guess my question out there is still WHY?   Why me?  Why do I fear the person who thought I was their  "soul mate and best friend" now I am the most hate person on the planet by her so much.  Why is it possible for her to stop caring and can go out with other people (guys) and disregard anything.  There is something so wrong with me. I don't know how to survive this.  I have children and need to be strong for them but How? especially when one is afraid of someone who is my wife.  My appointment with the attorney did give me knowledge but it also destroy my hope that this divorce would fair to me... .but it will not... .which places me in another degree of depression and hopelessness... .im back in that hole of despair and afraid to do anything especially for me... .as you can see, i'm a truly beaten person and I don't know how to come back from this "HELL"

[ForeverDad]

Many members here who suffered through a divorce had been told to divorce, however, it can turn out to be a Control tactic, expecting you to capitulate, comply and appease in order to keep the marriage stumbling along.  I recall my then-spouse exclaiming, ":)ivorce me or I will divorce you!"  I kept hiding her rants and rages, things didn't get batter.  And you, the biggest leverage she had was over custody and parenting.

Mothers often get default preference in courts.  After all, it is the socially acceptable expectation, mother gets kids (Tender Years doctrine said mothers are best to parent) and father goes elsewhere to start another family (while sending back years of child support).

When you have a PD parent, then it gets worse, you don't just face the typical default preferences in court, you also face a parent who has literally no compunction against lying, making false allegations, posturing as a targeted or abused spouse, etc.  Part of the psychology is that they can't shoulder any blame, they have to Blame Shift and it is so easy for them to posture that you're worse then they are.  The consequences are limited, based on the whistle blower concepts that the reporters of problems are presumed to have no ulterior motives and avoid consequences if the reports are determined to be "unsubstantiated".

Understand that lawyers will probably quote likely outcomes in negotiations during mediation and settlement talks as well as court.  However, an experienced, proactive, Problem Solver lawyer will ponder whether there are strategies and solutions to get a better outcome.  No promises, of course, but "nothing ventured, nothing gained".

During consultations have you asked the lawyers, "If you were facing a divorce from a high conflict spouse such as mine, who would you hire to protect your interests and develop promising strategies?"  If you hear the same names from multiple queries, then move those to the top of your selection list.  We can't afford to choose someone who is only a forms filer and hand holder rather than a proactive lawyer who can excel with solid strategies and at hearings and trials.

I recall my first lawyer, a former ADA, told me, "I and relatively new in family law, I haven't done much in your county.  But I did have a case in your county where the other lawyer I faced was reasonable and helped our respective clients reach a settlement."  So I changed attorneys to a recommended one when I filed for divorce.  You too may decide that a change is appropriate whether or not you've already paid a retainer but find the lawyer isn't the right fit for you and your needs.

It turned out that my new lawyer was not truly aggressive.  I really feel he could have pressed harder to improve my temp orders - especially due to all her court continuances and unsubstantiated allegations that kept delaying the case - I was EOW father for over 2 years until she settled on Trial Morning for us to have equal Shared Parenting as subtly recommended by the Custody Evaluator's report.  (However, I help firm to being residential parent.  I felt justified to say, "I will be RP or else let's start the trial."  She caved.)  Problems continued and 3 years later I got sole custody but was denied majority time.  Problems continued and another 3 years later I got majority time but only during the school year.