Surviving the Aftermath of Borderland

[nogoodchild]

Hi everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I'm at an emotional blockage right now and need some help. I'll provide background, a list of things my BPD mother has done/said that I can remember, and then specifics of what I need help with. Thank you so much. I really need someone to relate to since I don't know anyone else besides my sisters whose parent has BPD.

BACKGROUND:

I am a 19-year-old female college sophomore. I am the middle child, I have one older sister(21) and one younger(14). My dad is my hero. He is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better father. My mother is my worst enemy. I despise her. She brings nothing but pain to this world. To me, she's the worst person on the planet.

I discovered that my mother was Borderline back in February of this year (2016). My parents decided to get a divorce in January, and the process is just beginning.

I am the no-good child. For those of you who don't know what that means, you should read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson. In most cases, the borderline parent with more than one child usually has a least favorite. That would be me. I'm pretty proud of it- I had to work really hard to get there. I detested my mother and fought back. My two sisters never did. I would say that I feared my mother more than God himself, but I also was courageous enough to always stick up for myself throughout my entire childhood. I was afraid of her, though. I really was. There's nothing like living with the person you fear most in the world. Home isn't really home if you're terrified to be there.

I'm in therapy now, and my therapist and I have identified a key problem for me. I don't feel as much emotion as I should. This is because as a child, my defense mechanism was to take the emotion out of hostile situations that my mother put me in. I would take the emotions and bury them and use logic to deal with the situation. Because of that, I can handle A LOT. Pretty much anything life throws at me. But it's not healthy for me to not feel these emotions. This is what I'm currently working on. To me, happiness just meant that nothing was wrong. Happiness meant my mom wasn't mad at me or anyone in my family. Happiness wasn't a feeling- it was having none. I felt happiness for the first time in years a few weeks ago. I was in my car alone and I could feel this bursting warmth in my chest and I started to cry. I was happy to be away from my mother (I haven't spoken to her in about 5 months, she moved out of my house, I started a new year at college with a new roommate, new friends, new job, and even a love interest). I think all of those things combined brought the happiness back and it was nothing short of amazing. I can't believe I've been missing out this badly.

If you know the four basic types of borderlines, then you'll understand this. My mother is a borderline witch and slightly a queen as well. (For those of you that don't know, there's a waif, hermit, witch, and queen). She's basically a tyrant. Evil, manipulative, liar, cheater, abuser, money-blower, etc. She can think of the most offensive insulting thing to say and she will say it. She's selfish and acts like she's still in high school. it's hard when you're more mature than your own mother. I act as a mother to my younger sister. I cook for her, i've cleaned for her, help her with her homework, bought her sanitary products when she's too embarrassed to go to my dad. I've taken her to and from school, dentist appointments, left school in the middle of the night to go comfort her. I pour my heart and soul into making sure her life is the best it can be from here on out. I'm really looking for some validation from others- especially those with witch/queen borderline mothers who can relate to me. I desperately need that. There's way more background but it's too much to put in the post, so i'll stop here.

LIST:
-My mother called me a "lesbian" in front of my best friend and family all because I wanted to hang out with my best friend alone. I was 14.
-She called  me a fat ass when I was 14 years old because I didn't get sufficient enough grades for her(i made honors).
-My mother threw me up against our oven becuase I accidentally stepped on my little sisters foot.
-She has shoved me by shoulders from standing to flat on my back(reason unknown)
-In school if you make honors or high honors your name gets in the paper. She told me that people who dislike me were specifically looking for my name and that i am an embarrassment to her if i don't get in it.
-She claims to have gotten me my job
-claims to be the reason I got good grades(college gpa being 3.5 all on my own as proof that she's not)
-She's called the school to make sure I stayed away from my best friend because she didn't want us to be friends.
-read through my phone messages all the time and used content to embarrass me
-I self-mutilated at 14 and she found out. She sat at the edge of my bed and said "you cut yourself for attention, right?" and made me say that it was for attention. kept pushing: "right? right? it's for attention right?"
-when I told Madi (best friend of 5 years) that I had ADD, (15 years old) mom found out and said that i need to keep that a secret so i don't get made fun of, wouldn't speak to me for several days afterwards and would glare and intimidate me.
-me and my little sister were playing a Barbie computer game and when we were done playing and closed out the game, a video of porn that mom had left up was playing (we were 3 and 8 years old).
-She recently picked up my prescription from the doctor and tried to fill it. I went without my medication for two weeks. I don't even speak to her and I'm 19 so i have no clue how she could've done that. She signed for it and everything.

These are just a FEW of the things she's done.


WHAT I NEED HELP WITH:
-I need someone to tell me that it is okay to hate my mother to the point where I wouldn't care if she passed away. To some this may sound scary but my therapist told me it was normal. Is it? Does anyone else feel this way?
-When will this deep anger for her go away? I feel like I won't be free until I stop being angry with her, but after all she's done I can't help it. Any advice for moving on?
-How do i even go about explaining this to people when they ask about my mother?
-Is it appropriate to not go to holiday dinners so that i don't have to see her? what about my family?

Thank you so much for your help!

[Kwamina]

Hi nogoodchild

Welcome to our online community  It is clear that you've been through a lot with your mother. I am verry sorry she has treated you this way and can definitely understand your desire to distance yourself from her negativity. The Witch type as described by Christine Ann Lawson is very abusive and unstable and unfortunately quite dangerous.

I think it's very good that you are reading up on this subject and also work with a therapist. Healing from such a difficult childhood isn't easy and it really helps to have a support network then. That's why I'm also very glad you are reaching out here for support and advice.

Do you feel like your mother has ever in any way acknwoledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior? Has she perhaps ever been diagnosed with any kind of mental/emotional/behavorial disorder and/or been in therapy?

Feeling anger and allowing yourself to feel anger is part of the healing process. So is letting go of that anger. Healing takes time though. As you start your journey here I encourage you to take a look at the Survivor's Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board. in several of the steps, anger is mentioned (step 6 and 10).

It's great that you at least have a good relationship with your father. Does he too think your mother has BPD?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[scaredy-cat]

Hi 
Oh, do I feel a kindred spirit here.  I was around 20 when I found out my mother had BPD.  Being an only child I was both the angel child & the demon child.  (My mother got a dog when I was in kindergarden.  It took the place of 'good child' and I took 'no good child'.  Ten years later I have a little perspective on some of the questions you asked.

Regarding emotions:  Yes, many of us lock away our emotions as a safety measure.  Keep two things in mind a) regardless of what the emotion is, it is OKAY to feel that way.  It's okay to get angry, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be happy.  And b) always consider why you feel that way.  Some situations will bring a really strong emotional response for no apparent reason and it can be because of something else that happened previously and not what is currently happening.

WHAT I NEED HELP WITH:
-I need someone to tell me that it is okay to hate my mother to the point where I wouldn't care if she passed away. To some this may sound scary but my therapist told me it was normal. Is it? Does anyone else feel this way?
-When will this deep anger for her go away? I feel like I won't be free until I stop being angry with her, but after all she's done I can't help it. Any advice for moving on?
-How do i even go about explaining this to people when they ask about my mother?
-Is it appropriate to not go to holiday dinners so that i don't have to see her? what about my family?

Is it normal to hate someone to the point where you wouldn't care/it would be a relief if that person passed away?  YES, it is.  I feel that way.  Every time I talk to my mother it's a battle of wills with me trying to remain true to myself without setting off the witch.  It would be a relief not to have to deal with the craziness and just have myself to worry about.  (No more having to put up with the abuse and guilt that she loves to heap my way!)

When will the deep anger go away?  That's different for everyone.  Coming to terms with the abuse is like going through the stages of grief  and everyone is unique in that.  I wish I could tell you that I had some secrete recipe how to get rid of the anger, but the truth is it's a combination of therapy, soul searching, and acceptance that gets you there in the long run.  Forgiving someone doesn't mean giving them license to abuse you, it means coming to terms with what happened, accepting it and moving on. 

How do you explain that your mother not someone you want to be around?  When my coworkers tell me I should be happy my mother is coming to visit I tell them that, "No, it is not a good thing my mother is coming to visit.  She is very abusive and it is never a good experience."  Most people let me leave it at that.  People who are determined to 'help' tend to tell me to be nicer, share more, and buy her lavish gifts.  I usually smile and nod with the understanding that doing any of those 3 things are just setting myself up for a world of hurt and a flood of criticism.  I try to remind myself that they are just trying to help and if my mother didn't have BPD these suggestions would probably help.

Is it appropriate not to go to family dinners?  Uhm, I moved across the country and made it a rule that my mother is not allowed to visit for birthdays, anniversaries, or any major holiday.

As a note on this, there are ways to cope with someone with BPD that do not include outright avoidance.  For short term situations with other people present, S.E.T., and D.E.A.R.M.A.N can defuse tense situations.  I do not advise being alone with someone a witch, or only with people still trapped in the F.O.G.  Given time, space, and coping strategies, family dinners can become bearable.  Personally, my mother is not allowed back to our house and we only meet out at restaurants/parks/whatever where other people will be present.  My mother doesn't like showing other people she's crazy.  She only sharpens her claws on the people closest to her, and typically when no one is watching or no one will interfere. 

SC