How do I live my life with a BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am having the hardest time... .

I have known my wife over 20 years. Started out as friends in high school and later in college it progressed to a serious relationship. Long story short, I've been married to her for the past 12 years. She has always been outgoing, the center of attention, and popular with the guys! We have two beautiful children and for a long time I thought we were happily married. We have always had our ups and downs, but throughout our married life she get mad whenever I accomplish anything or if the attention is on me. She can't stand being with my family because my family see's through a lot of her lies. Anytime I want to spend time with them or if we are invited on a vacation, something ALWAYS comes up where we can't attend. ALWAYS! She has to have the attention on her at ALL TIMES. Most of the time when positive attention are around me, she has to come up with something that gives her attention as a "victim" (gets extremely sick, has physical problems like knee problems, something dramatic happens with her family or one of her close friends, etc).

The last 7 years have been especially difficult. Over the past 7 years my wife wouldn't return calls when I was on the road for work which was usually 5-6 nights a month. When we would talk, it was usually less than 10 minutes and usually it was to say goodnight to my kids. She was hard to get a hold of and she started becoming distant. I knew she started fantasizing about other guys and a couple times I woke up in the night and she was talking in her sleep about other guys. I confronted her about it and of course denied it. Over 2 years ago I found out that he has been having an affair with her masseuse. I was FLOORED! Ironically through this, I wanted to stay married and work it out. We are very strong Christians and she is very active in our church where she spends a lot of time doing volunteer church work (15-20 hours a week). I've confronted her about it and she freaks out and ends up turning everything on me. I am saddened by the situation and to this day she will not admit that she had an affair, yet she lied to me constantly about her massages and her time with this guy. We were separated for a time and I actually saw this guy twice walking away from our home. I found out that he had been coming to my house before we were separated when I was out of town for work. I am 100% sure that she had an affair. I am confident that this is not going on now, but I know 2 years ago it was. Things were very rocky and somehow we pulled through it with a lot of counseling. Our counselors diagnosed her with with BPD and as being a histrionic. She is in complete denial because she has this appearance that she is so perfect. She denies this diagnosis, yet the counselors and the doctor have confirmed with me.

Today we have absolutely nothing in common. She will not allow us to hang out with other friends in our neighborhood or even my family because she has OCD with cleanliness and can't stand the thought of others being inside our home with germs. I personally think that she doesn't want anyone to be close to us, specifically me. She can't stand the thought that others like me and don't completely adore her. It's weird!

I don't know what to do. My wife tries to isolate me and I feel like she is suffocating me. It is so hard being married to someone that is histrionic. I feel like she has learned her lesson on the affair and I think it was difficult for her emotionally, yet to this day she adamantly denies an affair. I feel like I can't get past the trust issues and that she has lied to me for so long.

In my mind I want to stay in the marriage and work things out, but I don't know how to make it work. It is so hard to trust someone like this and I am afraid of the negative effects on my kids if we get divorced so I am trying to make it work. I have to say, I am miserable in our marriage... .absolutely miserable. I see through all her tactics, her lies, and the perception that she puts on about her being so perfect. It is much harder having a strong relationship because she consistently tries to stop me from taking them out to the park, taking them out for dinner and a movie, etc. She doesn't like doing any of those things with my kids. Recently she told me that I have to take down all the pictures of me and my kids on social media, unless she is in the picture. Unbelievable because she doesn't do anything with my kids and never wants to go out and do things together. It's really strange!

What do I do? How do I keep my family from falling apart and strengthen my marriage with someone that is in complete denial and doesn't want to change? Being married to a histrionic is so hard! Please help.

[MJ24]

I am having the hardest time... .

I have known my wife over 20 years. Started out as friends in high school and later in college it progressed to a serious relationship. Long story short, I've been married to her for the past 12 years. She has always been outgoing, the center of attention, and popular with the guys! We have two beautiful children and for a long time I thought we were happily married. We have always had our ups and downs, but throughout our married life she get mad whenever I accomplish anything or if the attention is on me. She can't stand being with my family because my family see's through a lot of her lies. Anytime I want to spend time with them or if we are invited on a vacation, something ALWAYS comes up where we can't attend. ALWAYS! She has to have the attention on her at ALL TIMES. Most of the time when positive attention are around me, she has to come up with something that gives her attention as a "victim" (gets extremely sick, has physical problems like knee problems, something dramatic happens with her family or one of her close friends, etc).

The last 7 years have been especially difficult. Over the past 7 years my wife wouldn't return calls when I was on the road for work which was usually 5-6 nights a month. When we would talk, it was usually less than 10 minutes and usually it was to say goodnight to my kids. She was hard to get a hold of and she started becoming distant. I knew she started fantasizing about other guys and a couple times I woke up in the night and she was talking in her sleep about other guys. I confronted her about it and of course denied it. Over 2 years ago I found out that he has been having an affair with her masseuse. I was FLOORED! Ironically through this, I wanted to stay married and work it out. We are very strong Christians and she is very active in our church where she spends a lot of time doing volunteer church work (15-20 hours a week). I've confronted her about it and she freaks out and ends up turning everything on me. I am saddened by the situation and to this day she will not admit that she had an affair, yet she lied to me constantly about her massages and her time with this guy. We were separated for a time and I actually saw this guy twice walking away from our home. I found out that he had been coming to my house before we were separated when I was out of town for work. I am 100% sure that she had an affair. I am confident that this is not going on now, but I know 2 years ago it was. Things were very rocky and somehow we pulled through it with a lot of counseling. Our counselors diagnosed her with with BPD and as being a histrionic. She is in complete denial because she has this appearance that she is so perfect. She denies this diagnosis, yet the counselors and the doctor have confirmed with me.

Today we have absolutely nothing in common. She will not allow us to hang out with other friends in our neighborhood or even my family because she has OCD with cleanliness and can't stand the thought of others being inside our home with germs. I personally think that she doesn't want anyone to be close to us, specifically me. She can't stand the thought that others like me and don't completely adore her. It's weird!

I don't know what to do. My wife tries to isolate me and I feel like she is suffocating me. It is so hard being married to someone that is histrionic. I feel like she has learned her lesson on the affair and I think it was difficult for her emotionally, yet to this day she adamantly denies an affair. I feel like I can't get past the trust issues and that she has lied to me for so long.

In my mind I want to stay in the marriage and work things out, but I don't know how to make it work. It is so hard to trust someone like this and I am afraid of the negative effects on my kids if we get divorced so I am trying to make it work. I have to say, I am miserable in our marriage... .absolutely miserable. I see through all her tactics, her lies, and the perception that she puts on about her being so perfect. It is much harder having a strong relationship because she consistently tries to stop me from taking them out to the park, taking them out for dinner and a movie, etc. She doesn't like doing any of those things with my kids. Recently she told me that I have to take down all the pictures of me and my kids on social media, unless she is in the picture. Unbelievable because she doesn't do anything with my kids and never wants to go out and do things together. It's really strange!

What do I do? How do I keep my family from falling apart and strengthen my marriage with someone that is in complete denial and doesn't want to change? Being married to a histrionic is so hard! Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[RDMercer55]

MJ24 man my heart is hurting for you bro... .Married for over 27 years, I am a Pastor and I have experienced many of the things you have shared... .yes even the affair... .

The good people on this site are fair, open, real and have a willingness to help. That has been my experience and I am truly grateful for those that are willing to allow something good to come out of their pain.

If I may, I want to speak to the aspect of your faith. Being a follower of Christ has never meant being perfect. Only He is perfection. We desperately need grace! Not only grace that brings salvation but most importantly grace to live!

Over the years I can honestly say that my ability to love my wife in my own natural strength and ability ended. I had exhausted every resource I possessed to love her a long time ago. Then by some miracle the grace of God would be poured into my heart and He would supernaturally give me the grace to love her the way she needed to be loved. That is the only way I can explain having the ability to forgive her for her affair and honestly not hold bitterness or resentment against her.

Almost 7 years later and her BPD has progressed to the point where I can see the relationship ending. While I will never regret trying, loving her and attempting to work through this hellish disorder, I have come to terms with the fact that Gods grace is also there to offer me healing if and when the relationship has to end. Either way, I will be ok and so will you.

It's a difficult fork in the road that you are in my friend. Please don't let anyone talk you out of what you sense the Lord is leading you to do as you love your wife through the grace of God. BUT at the same time, be real, be open to the self care and healing that you need for your own life.

There may come a time when you cannot go down this road any longer. The Lord knows. And there is grace for you! No condemnation, no hate, no judgment from God. Now as far as others are concerned, that' a different story! No one will ever truly know what life was like with her was like EXCEPT YOU! You've had to live through this so please, shake all the haters off and surround yourself with the people that really love and care about you! You're going to need them.

Finally, let the peace of God be the final referee on what direction to go in next, whether it means fighting for your marriage or having to detach in order to fight for your own well being. I know you are worried about your children too. PLEASE HEAR THIS... .She will not get better living in denial, in fact she is going to get worse and it will impact your children. They will need YOU to be a place of healing and restoration so you can help them process the difficult feelings they will have with their mother. I'm living this everyday. So handle your business as a man, stay entrenched in your children's lives and get healing for yourself so you can pass it along to your children someday. Married or not, you can be an anchor of stability in your children's life!

Prayers and best wishes

[livednlearned]

Hi MJ24,

I'm sorry for your suffering, and glad you found the site.

What happens when you don't go along with the controls she has for you?

How old are the kids? How do they handle mom?

Let us know if there's some example you want to work on. It can really help to focus on one area and see how things go from there.

We are here to walk alongside you 

LnL

[ArleighBurke]

Your story is similar to many here - me included! (Married 16yrs).

She doesn't need to accept the BPD diagnosis. It may not matter anyway because I'm not sure that the "recovery rate" with therapy is great anyway... .

But by YOU changing a little, life can get a lot better!

Strangely, being firm and strong will help! Her mind is a whirlwind of emotion all the time. When she tells you to change, you get caught up in it - which means she still feels out of control. With healthy Boundaries, you can decide what YOU want to do. So if you want to take the kids to the park, but she doesn't, you can POLITELY and firmly talk about it - then go anyway. She will not like it, but by doing this you are showing that HER emotions don't have to affect YOU. As much as she will complain, she actually learns to respect and trust you - and you don't burn out!

Making boundaries, and being able to appropriately convey/enforce them is a skill that takes time to develop. Your wording and application need to be tailored to HER, so you will have to try a few different ways until you get it right. But it helps!

Read more here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

And keep posting!

[SweetCharlotte]

If she denies the affair and you have no proof other than seeing the masseur leave your home (masseuse would be a female, by the way), then I wouldn't be rock-solid sure that she has cheated on you. Some massage therapists do make house calls.

You seem locked in a dysfunctional cycle with her. There is an element of competition. I sense that you are driven to make yourself look better by contrast with her poor example. It's easy for such a pattern to set in, when you are dealing with someone with these issues.

If you are invested in going forward with her, I would throw all my weight into validation and radical acceptance. Stop competing; try NOT to make her look bad. Post only photos of the two of you and the kids on social media, not of you and the kids. Would you rather win points with her or with the rest of the world? She has to be more important.