How to not give up on school

[Newenglandmom]

Hello everyone, this is my first time in an online group. My daughter is 14 and has been diagnosed with "traits of BPD". We struggled with her as a child with separation anxiety,anxiety, then by 6th grade depression.  She has always struggled to keep friends and we couldn't figure out why.  By 8th grade her hospitalization begun, she was admitted 5 times in 8 months for suicidal thoughts.  Each hospitalization ended with re-entry back into school which was horrible.  She qualified for an IEP in June and they just let her go on to the next grade even though she wasn't in school for 3/4 of the year.  Now she is a freshman in high school and everything just gets worst. She is still self harming with cutting (has gone on since 6th grade), having sex, failing at school and has no friends except boyfriend.  We started horse therapy, DBT therapy and individual therapy weekly.  It feels like no matter what we try there's no positive movement. We search for schools or therapeutic schools but their price tag is completely out of reach and insurance doesn't cover it.  I quit my job in the spring because I couldn't get to work with her being in the hospital and my own mental health has been effective.  My question is how do we either pick a school better for BPD or pay for therapeutic options?  She is a very smart girl and I am fearful for her future.  I am constantly checking her belongings and have found pills, (otc stuff to look like she's addicted but only for attention from people in school), vaping stuff, razors, and is looking for her boyfriend to do DOM stuff with her.  She is only 14 and I feel like I cannot control her and worry I will miss something and impulsively kill herself.  Any ideas would be great!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Newenglandmom,

Welcome and hello 

Other parents here have had conversations about this that may be useful.

This is about insurance and RTC:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203810.0

There is also a conversation about Medicaid and RT: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=181325.msg12100134#msg12100134

And on Who Can Pay For It: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=163692.msg1563033#msg1563033

It's a common struggle to pay for the kind of insurance needed, and you are not alone. As lbjnltx says in one of the threads, family involvement and commitment is one of the most important components of successful recovery, as is having an empathic and caring health care provider. I have heard Gundersen (a leading BPD researcher and expert) say that if these kinds of treatment centers are not available, that an empathetic and caring therapist can be equally effective.

Be sure to take care of yourself. That advice is no more important than it is for a parent of a BPD loved one. We are here to walk with you. 

LnL

[Bright Day Mom]

Hello Newenglandmom, I join livednlearned in welcoming you!

I have been through the IEP process and was successful in having my D16 placed out of district in a therapeutic high school.  The difference in her is like night and day.   Her old school was full of triggers: large student population, bullies, bad history, etc. it proved to be overwhelming for her to function and progress. Children have rights to a "free and APPROPRIATE education".  This is how we were able to succeed and achieve out of district placement. Yes, it's expensive and costs our DISTRICT $55K / yr, but it is well worth it.  Most districts would prefer to push the kids thru, so you may have to hire an educational atty. Atty consultations are typically free, so you have nothing to lose to meet with 1 or 2 and see if they feel you have a valid case.

Our D was also placed in a residential 9 month program, which our state paid for too while attending her alternative high school.  Where there is a will, there is a way. I'm not sure how your state works; do you have  a CMO?   We have one from our county and she was able to assist us in navigating the residential process.

Don't give up on school, it is a matter of finding the appropriate environment and the potential is unlimited.

[Newenglandmom]

Hi Bright Day Mom, thanks for the information. I am completely overwhelmed by not only the "diagnosis" but also the options for my daughter.  She does have an IEP and I have a meeting Wednesday since she failed 3 core classes. I will definitely look into an educational attorney but what is a CMO? We have regular insurance from my husbands job but doesn't cover long term facility only short term.  She is spirally quickly and I am worry where the bottom is.  Some days the verbal abuse is too much and I question everything I am doing for her.

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi NewEngland Mom, I know the sense of overwhelming all too well!  It's ok, we've all felt it one time or another.  I question myself all of the time; am I doing what is best for her?

A CMO is a care manager. We were recommended thru the county in our state and assigned after our D had multiple hospitalizations and we were only spinning our wheels without any improvement.

It's good that you have a meeting with her school this week.  Since your D has failed 3 core classes, this can work in your favor for out of district placement.  Is she having difficulty coping with class size, student body, anxiety, etc?  Do you think the school can keep her safe from harming herself?  During the meeting I attended w/o representation, I took lots of notes, and followed-up with an email.  This left a paper trail for our attorney to pick up / work off of. 

As for the verbal abuse, our family has been in family session for 2 yrs. Though it wasn't until she was placed in residential that our D was a cooperative part.  I am a different parent / wife now; I don't engage in combative talk; it would only fuel the fire.

I know there is a lot, but the lessons / tools on the right are very helpful. 

Please, let us know how things progress.