Confessions of a BPD Wife

[RippedTorn]

An amazing discovery took place when my BPD wife moved out. She left a prayer book that contained many things she had written during her prior divorce. So these quotes are her exact words she wrote at the time of that divorce. I have categorized them by some of the issues BPD people have reported on this site.

Recognition of reality: ":)ue to my wrong choices in life, not only have I had to pay the consequences, but my family has suffered also." "In the past 6 months of marriage I have said many distasteful & mean things to my husband."

Vindictiveness: "I have been wanting to make My husband as uncomfortable & to hurt as he has done to me."

Rage, anger & cussing: "Calm my spirit especially during adversities which easily brings my weakness of anger out. Please forgive me for all the bitterness I have felt toward my husband. It completely divided us." "I swear when angry & frustrated... .the fragility of my patience with the high tolerance of pain in me. Removing anger from me which would also prevent frustration. The devil is taking over when my tongue becomes a double edge sword."

Self centeredness, insecurity, fear and perceived rejection:  "I am seeing that my husband never cared for me then and now." "From past experience I have been rejected many times in marriage. At this stage in life, Lord I pray that you will remove this fear from me forever & replace it with your love for me." "What really is it that makes one feel rejected? Sometimes my insecurities pop up in social groups not knowing what to say. Fortunately I am doing better when I get out of myself & show more interest in others."

Reacting: "I would have to think before reacting or saying something out of a reaction probably judging or negative or angry." "Build mature confidence and trust in me. When I am caught off guard with unexpected surprises I do not handle this well. I pray that you will make me stable & able to think & not respond negatively or in anger."

No sense of self: "I let other people determine my moods by what they say or how it is said. My feelings can be hurt easily. I turn sad, cry & become depressed."

Promiscuity: "In my younger years how foolish I was putting myself in places of temptation & succumbing to them. Little did I consider the consequences of my actions. Forgive me & those I have hurt due to my selfishness & insecurities."

Temptation: "What things can I be tempted by? Anything sexual, money, power, desire. The Devil thinks you will give up great things God wants in your life for a few moments of pleasure."

Immaturity: "Sometimes I see my childhood days as having stunted my growth in the outside world. How I wish I was encouraged to do great things."

[CVA]

WOW,, that sound like stuff my ex would have written... Thanks for sharing... i hope you are in a good place!  I know my X remarried and often wondered if one day her new husband would be on this site. Here has been a life saver... You have found a lifeline here amigo Keep posting...