How she describes our relationship now (rewriting history)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mine will say that I was nice at first but very controlling (projection). She will say that I thought all these bad things about her that were not true ( gas lighting). She will say that I was terrible to her and her daughter and made them miserable every day (victimization).
She will say that I never loved her ( all or nothing thinking). She will say that I tried to "buy" her love (rationalization) and that it wasn't that she went though all my money.
She will say I had no reason not to trust her (gas lighting) and that I was the one who was crazy. She will say I am a liar ( projection) and an abuser ( projection).

[michel71]

Mine will say that I was nice at first but very controlling (projection). She will say that I thought all these bad things about her that were not true ( gas lighting). She will say that I was terrible to her and her daughter and made them miserable every day (victimization).
She will say that I never loved her ( all or nothing thinking). She will say that I tried to "buy" her love (rationalization) and that it wasn't that she went though all my money.
She will say I had no reason not to trust her (gas lighting) and that I was the one who was crazy. She will say I am a liar ( projection) and an abuser ( projection).

[Infern0]

I don't really exist to mine, I've met recent friends of hers through other friends and they say she never mentioned me.

[FallBack!Monster]

I don't really exist to mine, I've met recent friends of hers through other friends and they say she never mentioned me.

That I was controlling or no mention of me at all.

[tammym1972]

I'm sure he's saying that I never "got him" wouldn't spend time with him, that we shared no interests etc which are all not true, though now I realize the interests we shared were just him mirroring my interests.

[ShadowA]

Yep, mine has done the same before.

[Pretty Woman]

I'm at the point she can say anything about me and it really doesn't matter.

[michel71]

I want to be where you are Pretty Woman! It's gonna take some time.

[Pretty Woman]

It will. You will get there, I promise.

Her words mean nothing. How you respond to them, even just in your head is what gives them power, validity.

Do you think you are a terrible person? A horrible human being? I can guarantee there are people in your life that if they heard your ex say awful things about you, they would defend you to the death.

People love you. The people that MATTER will always be there.

Coming out of these relationships is like coming home from WAR. You've been repeatedly and consistently beat down by insults and treated horribly. It's almost like Stockholm Syndrome... .this became your "normal". It takes time, being removed from the situation to find yourself again.

You will. Just be kind to yourself. Remember, your ex didn't define you before you met her and she won't now.

 
PW

[lovenature]

PWBPD have defensive behaviors (projection, splitting etc.) that all boil down to making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, goes for past, present, and future. Remember that they have a serious mental illness; it is so hurtful for us when we continually try to rationalize the irrational, and make sense of the senseless.

[Warcleods]

I've rewritten history by looking at the facts and being completely honest with myself about why I continued this mess with my exuBPD.  I was never able to be honest with myself while she was still in my life.  I tried so hard to maintain something that was really unable to be maintained.  Nothing was ever good enough for her, nothing could make her happy, and her happiness was purely based off of situational events. When I was out of site and out of mind, she was unhappy and needed something else to make her happy, it was always something external.  I could never see that because my brain was in a constant barrage of toxic sludge.

I ignored things she did that made me uncomfortable, I enabled her behavior by not standing my ground, I tried to be the pleaser and did some mirroring myself to gain acceptance from her.  I have taken accountability for those things, understand them, and have used them to learn from this experience.  I have also made critical changes in how I handle professional relationships.  I have starting setting boundaries with others in a polite and respectful way (all things that made me uncomfortable before).  I have started communicating things that I don't agree with.