I feel like I'm in prison

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am trying to get out of a relationship that I never should have started with a BPD woman. She is very abusive and when I stop talking to her, she threatens suicide. Or attempts, or lies about an attempt. She goes to great lengths to get me to be afraid so I will talk to her.  I love her and would never forgive myself is she dies.

[Weary1402]

I am trying to get out of a relationship that I never should have started with a BPD woman. She is very abusive and when I stop talking to her, she threatens suicide. Or attempts, or lies about an attempt. She goes to great lengths to get me to be afraid so I will talk to her.  I love her and would never forgive myself is she dies.

[BowlOfPetunias]

As Dan Savage has argued, someone who threatens suicide is essentially holding themselves hostage.  In doing so, they are also holding you hostage.

There's also that parable about the person who jumps off a bridge and keeps telling you it will be your fault if they die if you ever let go of the rope that is keeping them from drowning. 

I suggest you look at books like How to Stop Walking on Eggshells for advice on how to deal with suicide threats and behavior.  Being an enabler will not help either of you.

In my own experience, my severe BPD ex during college, J,  threatened suicide if I left her.  She had made attempts before I met her, and she even seemed proud of the scars on her wrists.  I was suffering from a bad case of Stockholm syndrome and believed that I loved her, but I could not stand the HELL she was putting me through any longer.  (I loved the person she manifested herself as during the idealization phase and when she painted me white.  But I now realize that that was, at best, only part of her.  I could not possibly love the whole person she was.)  Threats or no threats, I had to leave.

That was back in 1991.  While I have problems with my wife, they are not anywhere nearly as bad as those I had with J.  Imagine how terrible my life would have been if I kept enabling J's behavior?  Getting out was the only option.

[ArleighBurke]

As hard as it is, she is allowed to make her own choices.

Threatening suicide is to control you. Attempting suicide is also to control you, and to make you feel emotionally responsible for her.

The easiest/best way to break up, is cleanly. Tell her it's over - be VERY clear and VERY final about it, then go no contact straight away - 100%.

She will call, text, face book, send messages through friends. She will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make you contact her. Resist! Block her if you need to. Give her NOTHING.

She will probably always hate you. She may spread lies. Accept that these things will happen. Be STRONG - if this is what you want then do NOT second guess after you break up.

She makes the decisions in her life. If she attempts suicide - it is NOT your fault. You need to deep down believe that. You can still care for her, but if you are worried she will harm herself then call police, or call her family. But DON'T contact her. 

It will be a horrible few weeks, then she will get over it and move on.

Good luck.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Weary, Welcome!  She is controlling you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which are the tools a pwBPD uses in order to manipulate you.  Suggest that you refuse to buy into it.  You're both adults.  You're free to leave the r/s, despite any claims to the contrary.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and do what is right for you.

LuckyJim

[Weary1402]

Thank you Lucky Jim. I feel like I have been kept in a cage for the last year and a half. Almost 2. I feel traumatized. Literally traumatized.  She has done so many awful things to make me stay. Like it doesn't matter the cost to me. She's verbally abusive and so scary. But her remorse breaks down all my defenses. I feel like she is an addiction. Why would I be addicted to a person,  let alone one that destroys me? I need off this roller coaster but it somehow has become a part of me. I feel like as I'm flipped upside down all of my self identity falls out of my pockets.
I miss her and love her and I hate it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Weary, You have identified one of the paradoxes of a BPD r/s: you know it's unhealthy, but you still want to participate, like an addiction.  Many of us, including me, have been in your shoes.  Yes, BPD turns your world upside down.  You are in a figurative cage, so don't kid yourself.  Time to put the trauma behind and liberate yourself?  Only you know when you're ready to get off the roller coaster.  Whatever you decide is OK and we'll walk you through it.

LuckyJim

[KateCat]

Greetings, Weary.

I agree that you are in a cage. Or maybe something like the Minotaur's den. The way out--in my experience--is with the help of a trained guide. This is much easier to do with a professional therapist. That person can talk sense to you, step by step, as you move along.

Suicide threats directly targeting us are too much to go alone, I think.

[Weary1402]

I am so grateful for all of this support. I am not the person I used to be. I feel like I have been through trauma that will take time to heal. I have found that it's easier to cut contact if it's her idea. I don't care anymore about making her see the things she does are so twisted and unhealthy for me. Such an understatement! I just want as far away from her as possible. But I live in constant fear of what she will do to get back at me. Vengeance seems to be her favorite thing. She could really ruin a lot of things for me if she decides to. She has blackmailed me for almost a year that she will tell people about our relationship including my husband that I have been separated from for almost two years. I can't seem to make a solid decision because I live in this state of shame, fear, trauma. I have no idea how I even got involved with her. I suppose I wanted to take care of her and things got very twisted and out of control. She has no problem wrecking my life when she's angry. I am hoping it's all finally over and she will leave me alone. But it never works out hat way... .