Need some encouragement today

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think I might have made it a whole week without looking at this website. I felt pretty okay for a while.

Now I feel like I'm back at the beginning and I could use a little encouragement.

I want her back, but she doesn't feel the same, so the detaching board is where I should be I guess. When I post in the saving board they usually recommend focusing on myself anyways - not much more you can do when your ex is no longer interested I suppose.

I know the holiday season is a trigger. It makes me so sad to think about spending this year without her. I just wish I could wake up and it would be March.

There's something about LC that's almost more painful than NC. While we were NC my heart was broken, but I had this unrealistic fantasy that when I DID hear from her, it would be because she had changed and realized that she regretted her decision. Now I hear from her time to time, casually, maybe every 7-10 days - and I don't anticipate her having any grand revelations in between. Now all I do is ruminate about what she's doing when she isn't talking to me. Who she's with, if it's serious, if they're turning into a couple... .I had been trying to avoid her social media but now I check it obsessively.

I know I need to get back to the way I was while we were NC. I was miserable but I was really trying to distract myself because I saw no other option. Now that I know I *can* talk to her if I'd like to, I spend every hour trying to force myself not to. I can't let her have so much control over me.

We've been "officially" broken up for about 3.5 months, but it's been over a year if not more, since we felt like a couple. I miss being in a relationship with her. One of our biggest challenges was that she really wanted that back, but I had lost trust and was so anxiety-ridden around her. I was always so worried that she was going to rage over something. I couldn't get over it in time and she left. Of course now I feel like an idiot. Here I am desperately wanting what she was trying to give me back then.

I've tried dating just to show myself that there are other people out there. But all I do is compare people to her, and in my mind they'll always fall short right now. So I recognize that it's too soon, but at the same time I feel like I just dwell and dwell on her if someone else doesn't have my attention. I have such little motivation, and I'm starting to realize how codependent I must be. I really don't have a sense of structure and can't get myself to move during the day without her around me to play off of. Even having dinner is difficult without someone to turn to and say, "What should we do tonight?" I'm sure that I'm making it sound a bit like I just need anyone, but that isn't the case. The new girl that I dated was ready to be in a relationship with me but I just don't feel that way about her. I like her and enjoyed spending time with her, but I love my ex. I was honest with the new girl and told her that, because it wasn't fair to her.

I guess what I need to do now is stop clinging to this stubborn hope, and try to move on with my life. I just doubt that will actually happen. I have been so hopeful for as long as I can remember with her. Even when it seemed like things would never get better I looked for resources, things to help her. It's so difficult to just forget about her when ultimately I know she's who I want to be with. I worry that I'll wake up an old woman who has gone about her life distracting herself for years and years, but still harboring this deep pain and loneliness, missing her and regretting what happened.

[JJacks0]

I think I might have made it a whole week without looking at this website. I felt pretty okay for a while.

Now I feel like I'm back at the beginning and I could use a little encouragement.

I want her back, but she doesn't feel the same, so the detaching board is where I should be I guess. When I post in the saving board they usually recommend focusing on myself anyways - not much more you can do when your ex is no longer interested I suppose.

I know the holiday season is a trigger. It makes me so sad to think about spending this year without her. I just wish I could wake up and it would be March.

There's something about LC that's almost more painful than NC. While we were NC my heart was broken, but I had this unrealistic fantasy that when I DID hear from her, it would be because she had changed and realized that she regretted her decision. Now I hear from her time to time, casually, maybe every 7-10 days - and I don't anticipate her having any grand revelations in between. Now all I do is ruminate about what she's doing when she isn't talking to me. Who she's with, if it's serious, if they're turning into a couple... .I had been trying to avoid her social media but now I check it obsessively.

I know I need to get back to the way I was while we were NC. I was miserable but I was really trying to distract myself because I saw no other option. Now that I know I *can* talk to her if I'd like to, I spend every hour trying to force myself not to. I can't let her have so much control over me.

We've been "officially" broken up for about 3.5 months, but it's been over a year if not more, since we felt like a couple. I miss being in a relationship with her. One of our biggest challenges was that she really wanted that back, but I had lost trust and was so anxiety-ridden around her. I was always so worried that she was going to rage over something. I couldn't get over it in time and she left. Of course now I feel like an idiot. Here I am desperately wanting what she was trying to give me back then.

I've tried dating just to show myself that there are other people out there. But all I do is compare people to her, and in my mind they'll always fall short right now. So I recognize that it's too soon, but at the same time I feel like I just dwell and dwell on her if someone else doesn't have my attention. I have such little motivation, and I'm starting to realize how codependent I must be. I really don't have a sense of structure and can't get myself to move during the day without her around me to play off of. Even having dinner is difficult without someone to turn to and say, "What should we do tonight?" I'm sure that I'm making it sound a bit like I just need anyone, but that isn't the case. The new girl that I dated was ready to be in a relationship with me but I just don't feel that way about her. I like her and enjoyed spending time with her, but I love my ex. I was honest with the new girl and told her that, because it wasn't fair to her.

I guess what I need to do now is stop clinging to this stubborn hope, and try to move on with my life. I just doubt that will actually happen. I have been so hopeful for as long as I can remember with her. Even when it seemed like things would never get better I looked for resources, things to help her. It's so difficult to just forget about her when ultimately I know she's who I want to be with. I worry that I'll wake up an old woman who has gone about her life distracting herself for years and years, but still harboring this deep pain and loneliness, missing her and regretting what happened.

[DazedandConfus3d]

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting. 

Holidays are tough enough for many of us without the addition of dealing with this kind of breakup.

That being said, please remember that your own happiness comes from you, not someone else.  Do things that fill your soul with light.  See people that make you laugh.  Think about what you want from your life and move towards that.

Sending you love and healing light. 

[FallBack!Monster]

Now I feel like I'm back at the beginning and I could use a little encouragement.

I want her back, but she doesn't feel the same, so the detaching board is where I should be I guess. When I post in the saving board they usually recommend focusing on myself anyways - not much more you can do when your ex is no longer interested I suppose.

I know the holiday season is a trigger. It makes me so sad to think about spending this year without her. I just wish I could wake up and it would be March.

There's something about LC that's almost more painful than NC. While we were NC my heart was broken, but I had this unrealistic fantasy that when I DID hear from her, it would be because she had changed and realized that she regretted her decision. Now I hear from her time to time, casually, maybe every 7-10 days - and I don't anticipate her having any grand revelations in between. Now all I do is ruminate about what she's doing when she isn't talking to me. Who she's with, if it's serious, if they're turning into a couple... .I had been trying to avoid her social media but now I check it obsessively.

I know I need to get back to the way I was while we were NC. I was miserable but I was really trying to distract myself because I saw no other option. Now that I know I *can* talk to her if I'd like to, I spend every hour trying to force myself not to. I can't let her have so much control over me.

We've been "officially" broken up for about 3.5 months, but it's been over a year if not more, since we felt like a couple. I miss being in a relationship with her. One of our biggest challenges was that she really wanted that back, but I had lost trust and was so anxiety-ridden around her. I was always so worried that she was going to rage over something. I couldn't get over it in time and she left. Of course now I feel like an idiot. Here I am desperately wanting what she was trying to give me back then.

I've tried dating just to show myself that there are other people out there. But all I do is compare people to her, and in my mind they'll always fall short right now. So I recognize that it's too soon, but at the same time I feel like I just dwell and dwell on her if someone else doesn't have my attention. I have such little motivation, and I'm starting to realize how codependent I must be. I really don't have a sense of structure and can't get myself to move during the day without her around me to play off of. Even having dinner is difficult without someone to turn to and say, "What should we do tonight?" I'm sure that I'm making it sound a bit like I just need anyone, but that isn't the case. The new girl that I dated was ready to be in a relationship with me but I just don't feel that way about her. I like her and enjoyed spending time with her, but I love my ex. I was honest with the new girl and told her that, because it wasn't fair to her.

I guess what I need to do now is stop clinging to this stubborn hope, and try to move on with my life. I just doubt that will actually happen. I have been so hopeful for as long as I can remember with her. Even when it seemed like things would never get better I looked for resources, things to help her. It's so difficult to just forget about her when ultimately I know she's who I want to be with. I worry that I'll wake up an old woman who has gone about her life distracting herself for years and years, but still harboring this deep pain and loneliness, missing her and regretting what happened.

Oh boy! Me a few weeks ago hoping my ex wanted me back. Then realized when saw her last, Her eyes, no affection for me anymore. Of course it was rough with NC but it's easier to let go that way. LC had me checking my phone every so often. 10 times a day. Lol. Looked into her eyes then understood how she could never reach out. I was no longer in them. Told me many stories but none had none to do with missing me. Never asked about me or I've been up to. Nothing but her and new hobbies with new friends and obvious omissions. Sharing sounds of lots of fun, as I was missing us. Sat there, smiled, took it all in and so it goes. One day it will hurt no more. If she only knew my true feelings she would destroy what's left of me until I get well enough. Would like to have the balls to say, don't hurt me no more. You've proven your point. You can't tell but I am hurting more than you know. Have moved on with my life but I reminisce on the love we had. Lol
Your words touched my heart. Sorry I have no advice with these comments.

[spottedabel]

Oh my, this sounds exactly like what I've been going through right now. Or still am.

I've known the girl I'm in love with for 10 years now, crushing on her for about the same amount of time. We've been in a relationship 4 years ago, had to break up due to mental health problems, got back together, split because of the same reasons... .and then never quite made the cut again, most likely because we've changed so much. Which seems to be exactly what happened to the both of you as well: change.

I, too, still love my ex like crazy. But it's times like these, when I read about experiences like yours, that I realize love unfortunately isn't enough to maintain a healthy relationship.

I've read about your problems with anxiety and am here to tell you that I know what you're talking about. It's the same reason why I've done really stupid stuff that shook the trust between me and my ex girlfriend CONSIDERABLY, like lying to her when I was afraid the truth would make her angry at me-- or wanting to cut off contact when I thought I just wasn't good enough. Which was the worst thing, I hurt her a lot and am disgusted at how easily I said vile things to push her away to make parting easier for her, and reflecting upon it, even though I want her back so bad, I'm just very afraid I'd merely end up hurting her even more.

It's not important anymore, though: she has another, is happy, and I couldn't ask for more. She's had a rough life and deserves it. Like you deserve it, and your ex, and everyone else.

I don't know if you relate as much to me as I relate to you right now but as harsh as it sounds, if your ex doesn't want you back you need to grant her that wish and the sooner at least a little part of you understands that you're both better off with other people, the better. You've had a great time together, that I am sure of, but if the relationship made you anxious and her angry you need to let go to prevent even more of that hurt.

I'm still talking regularly to my ex but believe me, that doesn't make things easier at all. I'm constantly exposed to her talking about what she's doing with other people and the way she's instant messaging me makes me anxious as well, because sometimes her responses take hours, which leads to overthinking... .what I'm trying to say is: yes, what you're going through is hard, but allow yourself to use the time you research her on social media not only to meet other people but to just spend time with yourself as well. The more you think about her, the more you'll want her back. It's happening to me right now and it's ugly, that hope is KILLING me. You don't want that, I can assure you.

The decision that you made was the right one.

You're a significant person by yourself and the fact that you've already went almost a week without seeking help straight away is telling me that you're on the right track. Take baby steps! A love as deep as that of a BPD is not easily forgotten, after all: regardless, there are people that can make you just as happy. Just because the girl you met now didn't doesn't mean there won't be the one that will!

Allow yourself to be happy. That it didn't work out between you and your girlfriend is sad, but if she is allowed to move on, so are you. Don't get hung up on the people she meets: spend time with your friends as well, it's important that you're not alone with your thoughts right now. I'll send you all the love and motivation I can muster -

you will get through this!

[flourdust]

How would you feel about making a concrete plan to make the holiday season different? Can you break away from tradition and put yourself in a new environment? Go on a trip, sign up for charity work or other activities, make plans with friends you don't normally see? You won't trick yourself into forgetting about your ex or your feelings, but you might be able to force yourself to have positive experiences regardless.

[JJacks0]

Thanks so much for your replies, everyone.

Rand and Spotted, I'm so sorry to hear that this hits so close to home. I really appreciate you sharing your stories. Seems like we have experienced a lot of the same struggles.
I've found it especially confusing because the two times that I have gotten together with my ex since we split, it felt like the connection was still there. She says otherwise, and it may be that she has simply made a decision that she no longer wants to consider a romantic relationship with me an option. Others on this site have told me that she may just be more comfortable with this level of r/s - if it were to become more intimate she would dysregulate again and abandonment fears would kick into high gear once more. I think it's a plausible explanation. Of course I'm not arrogant enough to discount the possibility that she truly doesn't care about me that way anymore. But knowing her, I think it's a defense mechanism more than anything else. Nevertheless, it's one that I don't foresee going away.

This past Friday I went to the funeral of a friend - I am 29, and this was a peer - it was way too soon for him to go. He was married to my other friend, and the service really touched on their marriage quite a bit - one of the readings was their wedding vows to each other. The relevance is that I couldn't help but think about my ex even more than usual that day. I feel like she was that person to me. It makes me so sad to think that she's right here in this city and we could be enjoying each other's company, but we aren't. I guess things like this have just made me extra sentimental lately. I thought about contacting her that evening, but again forced myself not to. When you tell someone you miss them and they don't respond, it seems to be a pretty strong indicator that you should back off.

I'm contemplating what to do now. I'm going to remain NC on my end and just focus on myself again - force myself to stop checking her social media, etc. The last time I spoke to her she had mentioned coming to visit me at the bar I work at "next week", which will be tomorrow night. I really don't think she'll actually come - in fact I doubt I'll even hear from her. But if she does, I guess I'll just have to be prepared to act happy and confident, and leave it at that in my mind- just a friendly visit, no more expectations. Aside from that, what should I do in the future? With the holidays approaching I know I'm going to be extra emotional and I don't know if I should be honest with her and tell her how I feel (that I still love her and don't think we can be in contact unless at some point she is interested in talking about reconciliation)... .OR if I should simply pull back on my end and not engage with her (leave out the bold statement explaining my actions). I'm not sure which option puts me in a better position. I'd normally lean towards explaining myself, but I also wonder if professing love again just makes me look desperate and needy, and at this point a little pathetic.

It's difficult for me to change a whole lot regarding the holidays, since I have a small family and we tend to do the same things every year. But I will try to be creative and find a way to keep my mind off of her and the void that I feel this season.

[FallBack!Monster]

Sure!
Many people feel the same during the holidays. I can't say I will miss my ex. The time we spent together as partners it was never important for her to share a holiday with me. I've gotten use to spending it with my closet. I can certainly see your point.
There's nothing pathetic about caring about somebody. Logically, pathetic is anyone assuming there is. My ex and her disordered mind thinks anything nice is pathetic and everything raunchy is acceptable. Spending even one holiday with the current partner (was me) was insane. Every holiday last year she spent with different ex partners. Course I didn't find out until much later. I hope you can create new and better memories these holidays. 

[JJacks0]

Thank you Rand, I hope the same for you. 

I was thinking about either writing her a letter or just telling her if I see her again (though that may be pretty awkward)... .just where I'm at and how I'm feeling about being in touch with her right now. Basically that I've made these changes to myself in our time apart, that my perspective has changed and I'd like to offer her these things, but that since she doesn't want the same it's too hard for me to be in touch with her at the moment. If she ever changes her mind she knows how to find me.

I wonder if that's something that should be said or not. At this point it's how I feel because I'm just obsessing over her and it's unhealthy. I got out of an unhealthy relationship and into an unhealthy single life... .that isn't right. I guess I'd just like to put it all out there before I pull away though, so she understands why. I think about all these things I'd like to do for her now that she used to want, but that I wasn't able to give at the time. And realistically who knows what it would be like now... .I can only control what I do - I'm not sure what would come from her end. I guess I just feel compelled to tell her, but not in a "please take me back way", more so in an honest effort to communicate and explain my future behavior as far as interacting with her. My concern is that it's too much and too heavy to drop on her and perhaps I should just keep it to myself. I've been told that it can be best to just focus on staying confident and playing cool, being a good friend to her for the time being. I'm torn.

What do you guys think?

[spottedabel]

Hey JJacks0, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I hope the situation has made it possible for you to mourn regardless; I wholeheartedly apologize if this sounds insensitive in any way, it's just that lately I canot concentrate on thinking about anything that isn't my ex girlfriend, either.

Somewhere on this board I have asked myself a question very similar to yours, if were I to change in a way that she'd need me to we could be together again, but I've just very recently gotten advice that i want to share with you now as well. Thinking like that is, in some way or another, closely linked to wanting to control the situation AND my ex girlfriend. By telling myself "I want/need to say these things to make her consider the situation again" and seeking confrontation I'm not only signalling my ex that I'm not even close to being over her but also that I don't trust her when she says she doesn't want to be with me anymore because of any reason she might've had to go through with this decision.

Even though I'm still on the fence myself and would prefer talking about what makes me anxious myself, I will most likely end up not doing so to spare her the unpleasant experience and - if I'm just a little bit lucky - she will eventually come to me myself and tell me we're over so I can find peace. As for you, I'd take a similar approach, but of course, I would never tell you what to do and what not to do in this regard.

If you can, wait until she's met with you. If she doesn't turn up after all you can take that as a sign to think about everything again and not drop the subject right away.

Remember: it's normal to feel this way. You've been giving this person your undivided love and attention for so long that it now feels empty not to have anyone to project it on anymore. As hard as it sounds, perhaps we should both try directing at least some of it on ourselves in this trying time.

I wish you all the best!

[Pretty Woman]

One of our biggest challenges was that she really wanted that back, but I had lost trust and was so anxiety-ridden around her. I was always so worried that she was going to rage over something. I couldn't get over it in time and she left. Of course now I feel like an idiot. Here I am desperately wanting what she was trying to give me back then.

J, I can relate to this, greatly. Once you lose trust you are always on edge. By the end of my relationship with my ex I secretly loathed her. I hated her for putting me through all this... .

but you know what? I ACCEPTED it. I allowed her to treat me badly. As much as you doubt yourself you did the right thing. They DONT change and getting back together will only hurt you more. I know it's hard. Even though I didn't trust her, it still was devastating when she left. It didn't help when she left me for a mutual friend either.

NC saved my life.  It gave her 0 means to continue to hurt me.

You will read a lot on these boards. BPD's do not make better friends than lovers. If they treated you badly as a lover imagine how they will treat you as a friend, with 0 commitment?

What I get from your post is in the long run you felt safer with NC. Have you thought of re-visiting it?

I know the holidays are hard. Believe me. I am in a great relationship with a non-BPD but they still trigger me. I have found keeping really busy has helped. The more involved I am with other projects to keep my mind off her, the better. I keep my commitments so when I sign up to volunteer or help somewhere I don't back out. This has helped keep my mind off her and also give back to people who appreciate my efforts.
It's been a win-win.

 
PW

[Grey Kitty]

I got out of an unhealthy relationship and into an unhealthy single life... .that isn't right.

Having been in a bit of both, I do have one thought for you:

Transitioning from unhealthy single life to healthy single life is WAAAAAYYYYY easier than transition from unhealthy relationship to healthy relationship.

I wouldn't go so far as to say it is impossible to get healthy while staying in a relationship... .or rebounding into a new-but-healthy relationship. Just that it doesn't go that way very often.

And once you find a healthy single life, you will see what room there is in your life for a healthy relationship. It starts with you.

[JJacks0]

You don't sound insensitive at all, Spotted. I agree with you.

I wrote a draft last night of a letter that I would give to her (I doubt I'll actually do it, but at least it got the thoughts out). And I see what you're saying regarding the control. I guess my main motive though was to try to lay down a boundary and explain it to her, you know? I don't want to just disappear, but I feel like I can't be just friends with her so I need to tell her why. Do you think there's a better way of doing it? I would wait until she reached out to me, it wouldn't be unprecedented. Tonight was the night she had told me a week ago that she would probably come visit me at work. As I suspected, no contact, no visit. This just reinforces my feeling that I have to defend myself somehow, because this really hurts. No matter the state of our r/s - even if we are just friends, what kind of friendship is that? She's still hurting me. I know she doesn't treat her actual friends that way (those that are not me, the ex). I'm just disappointed. I mean so little to her now that she didn't even feel like she should say, "Hey, sorry, can't make it tonight"? It's that or she forgot entirely, and I'm not sure which is worse. Like you said, we do need to take care of ourselves now. Thanks for more good advice.

Pretty Woman, your post seemed to foreshadow my evening. Spot on. I guess the lack of commitment really does make for a pretty lack-thereof friendship. Thanks for the validation - often times I do wonder if I made the right decision. I wrestle with so much regret. Right now I am considering revisiting NC. It was so painful but so is this. You're absolutely right about staying busy. It feels like I have so much more time now that I need to fill - almost seems like a chore sometimes. But I know it's what I need to do to keep my mind off of her.

Grey Kitty, I really like the point you made. It makes sense, because you can't very well improve your relationship with someone else until you've improved yourself first. This is something I knew needed to happen with my ex. We both have things we need to work on, but she just wanted to be in a serious relationship regardless. I was willing to bet it would ultimately just remain unhealthy without working on ourselves more individually, but she didn't want to wait any longer and called it quits. After 7 years most people would probably think that something like this wouldn't be an issue any longer, but then again when it comes to a BPD relationship I think you guys understand where I'm coming from.

Thanks again for the input, everyone. I've been especially sad this week and having people to talk with who understand is really a lifesaver.

[spottedabel]

Hey JJacks0, I know exactly what you mean.

My ex has lead me on for weeks now, I believe, and the only reason I did not believe this earlier is because out if goodwill. Because I didn't want to believe that she's capable of hurting me this way on purpose, but fact is, even though perhaps she wasn't doing it on purpose after all, she at least didn't or doesn't care for me much overall. I have tried what you want to do - telling her about everything that hurts you - two or three times now, I can't even remember, and all it ended with was her not engaging or reacting to me expressing my hurt whatsoever.

Because she's moved on. Because, even though she used to tell me she still cares, she doesn't. Because, as you already said, she has other friends (in my case even another lover) now and just no need for me anymore, which hurts like hell, but I guess the sooner I accept this... the better it'll be for me on the long run.

You can, of course, still try to confront her directly but as terrible as it sounds, prepare yourself to just get nothing back. I've read my fair share of stories on this board now and sometimes being discarded or replaced means exactly that and it sure happened to me.

She's also always treated me differently from our friends - which was normal, seeing how we loved each other, and now she has different friends altogether. We only had a very limited number of people we both liked and spent time with as she was never willing to meet with my older friends. Sorry for always getting so hung up on my own problems; I just cannot seem to let it go just yet.

We're in very similar situations. We both waited for too long, but I'm starting to lose the hope that things would've been better with her by my side if she's ready to abandon me like an old toy that fast.

As always, I'm wishing you the very best!

[Pretty Woman]

I figured out pretty late in the game, the exes my ex kept in rotation... .even just as friends... .she didn't treat them as such, that's for sure.

Two exes she only calls when securing a new relationship. She wants the new person to see she is "friends" with ex's because not ALL of her exes can be abusive rapists  

As soon as she dumped me she called the ex I met at the beginning of our relationship... .looking to bring her new GF to visit. This was a week after dumping me and I had gotten to know this ex pretty well.

Very distinct patterns for sure. Same time of year (summer) and same situation.

My ex has no real friends. All MY friends became her friends except for this sick circle of exes she keeps around for HER own benefit.

She also has a "" friend who she claims to hate and is annoyed with. Whenever she would break up with me for someone else his person became her "bestie".

She's already done this with my replacement. She treats "bestie" like crap but when she needs her, Bestie is there.
BTW... ."Bestie" is a recently diagnosed BPD who just announced on her FB she is so happy it's BPD and not Bi-Polar.

WTF?

BTW Bestie ALSO used my ex. She never pays for anything and pretty much only calls my ex for a free meal.
See, they all use each other, romantic relationship or not.

Borderlines have a lot of proxies and enablers and believe you me, they treat everyone the same. They will be sweet... .

when they want to use you for something. That's about it.

Seriously, consider NC. It truly is the only way to escape future pain and suffering, unless that's what you are into.  

Best of luck! I know it aint easy!

PW

[JJacks0]

We're in very similar situations. We both waited for too long, but I'm starting to lose the hope that things would've been better with her by my side if she's ready to abandon me like an old toy that fast.

That's a really good point, and something I've stopped and thought about several times. My ex has really hurt me... .not just now, but countless times over the past 7 years. And yet I excuse all of it. Now of course I know I played a role as well, I'm not innocent in all of this. But no matter what I've never actually abandoned her (though she perceived it). I'm not the one who started dating other people and who threw in the towel. Although I was hesitant to label our relationship as serious again at the time, I explicitly told her that I didn't want to see anyone else either. With some of the things she's done... .I think about how I'd feel if one of my friends' significant others did that to them. Or how they would react. Would they tolerate it? Doubtful. These relationships are so intoxicating that I literally feel blinded to the bad. No matter how much bad there was, I wear these rose-tinted glasses.

No need to apologize for talking about yourself - it's good to hear other stories and see the similarities. And it helps to get it out, so share as much as you'd like.  

I was my ex's first relationship, so I don't have much to look at to try and predict her future behavior. There are no other exes to look and see how she treated them or if she kept them in a rotation or whatnot. I have, however, seen the way she's treated friends - but this was of course while we were together, so she had less need for them. She was only focused on me. She rarely attempted to keep in touch, and never really maintained friendships. She told me that when she lived alone she may become a recluse - that hasn't happened, but she does describe herself as a "lone wolf" now - though that's her own doing. She knows I'm right here. It seems as though she just wants to own that recluse identity, though it isn't really legitimate or necessary.

I'm rambling now - I could probably go on a million tangents and write for days about all this stuff. I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks again guys.