Family secrets

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My niece (who told me she was diagnosed by Army psychiatrist with BPD nearly 20 years ago) confided in me two years ago that she is working as a prostitute.  This is legal in Australia. She begged me at the time not to tell her mother.  She has just invited me to lunch with her mother for mother's birthday. It is bringing up a lot of anxiety in me as I lost my adult son to alcoholism only 4 months ago after he had suffered 21 years with chronic schizophrenia, as well as IV drug and alcohol abuse.  There is a lot of mental illness in the family in all directions, past & present generations but not much understanding by non-affected members.  I am trying not to be judgemental of my niece (40 yo) (my son and her spent time together as kids and were both adored by their grandmother (my mother) but truly I am sickened by it.  She seems to like it very much and has lots more money than she used to have and has even lent her mother money recently (but of course her mother has no idea where it has come from).  I resent being burdened with this horrible secret which I did not ask for and I won't betray her but it is just another occasion where everyone is being a hypocrite and I am so tired of it all.  I have been on anti-depressants since my son attempted suicide 16 years ago and cannot get off them (I have tried).  I am retired now and just sit at home watching TV and being on the computer.  It is getting harder & harder to socialise.  My sis-in-law was a pretty poor mother when this little girl was growing up but she makes out she is great now.  And I know some of my past so-called friends suggested it was child abuse that caused my son's schizophrenia.  I was a good Mum and I have to do CBT to stop thinking about the cruel things those people suggested and wishing they could be punished for it.  I have not told anyone about my niece and indeed they would also be horrified.  I used to be quite liberal-minded and tolerant but my heart is broken now and I am very disillusioned about people and their meanness.  I lost a good job, my home, I'm divorced and have to rent on an age pension.  The places I rent keep getting sold and I have moved 6 times in the last 8 years.  I am also battling alcoholism (I have had 110 non drinking days since my son died after years of daily drinking).  What should I do?

[AussieEmily]

My niece (who told me she was diagnosed by Army psychiatrist with BPD nearly 20 years ago) confided in me two years ago that she is working as a prostitute.  This is legal in Australia. She begged me at the time not to tell her mother.  She has just invited me to lunch with her mother for mother's birthday. It is bringing up a lot of anxiety in me as I lost my adult son to alcoholism only 4 months ago after he had suffered 21 years with chronic schizophrenia, as well as IV drug and alcohol abuse.  There is a lot of mental illness in the family in all directions, past & present generations but not much understanding by non-affected members.  I am trying not to be judgemental of my niece (40 yo) (my son and her spent time together as kids and were both adored by their grandmother (my mother) but truly I am sickened by it.  She seems to like it very much and has lots more money than she used to have and has even lent her mother money recently (but of course her mother has no idea where it has come from).  I resent being burdened with this horrible secret which I did not ask for and I won't betray her but it is just another occasion where everyone is being a hypocrite and I am so tired of it all.  I have been on anti-depressants since my son attempted suicide 16 years ago and cannot get off them (I have tried).  I am retired now and just sit at home watching TV and being on the computer.  It is getting harder & harder to socialise.  My sis-in-law was a pretty poor mother when this little girl was growing up but she makes out she is great now.  And I know some of my past so-called friends suggested it was child abuse that caused my son's schizophrenia.  I was a good Mum and I have to do CBT to stop thinking about the cruel things those people suggested and wishing they could be punished for it.  I have not told anyone about my niece and indeed they would also be horrified.  I used to be quite liberal-minded and tolerant but my heart is broken now and I am very disillusioned about people and their meanness.  I lost a good job, my home, I'm divorced and have to rent on an age pension.  The places I rent keep getting sold and I have moved 6 times in the last 8 years.  I am also battling alcoholism (I have had 110 non drinking days since my son died after years of daily drinking).  What should I do?

[Mutt]

Hi AussieEmily,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. Bravo with your 110 days of sobriety  I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time, and I'm also sorry that you're blamed for your son's mental illness. Experts suspect that mental illness could be caused be a person's environment, a traumatic experience or it could be genetics. It's not your fault.

It helps to share with someone that is non-judgemental, I can see how the news of your niece's vocation is upsetting. We don't know, it's possible that she told someone else in the family or friends.

It is getting harder & harder to socialise.

I have depression and anxiety. Do you think that its possible that it's depression that's causing you to pull back from people? I ask because I tend to withdraw from people when I'm in a depressive episode. Do you get in touch with your family and friends? What do you do for self care?

[AussieEmily]

Thank you for your responses, it means a lot.  Yes the depression makes me sit at home a lot.  I don't even get dressed until midday.  I am moving house soon and have made a goal to do more walking and drink more water, both of which are supposed to help with energy. It is early days in missing my son, so I am not expecting to much of myself just yet, baby steps. I do have family who help out and a couple of people who call.  Have to stop feeling sorry for myself!

[Mutt]

Hi AussieEmily,

so I am not expecting to much of myself just yet, baby steps.

I'm glad to hear back from you. You have the right idea with that and drinking plenty of water and getting outside for a walk will help, the outdoors helps regulate our emotions. Grieving the loss of a loved is hard, I'm sorry to hear about your son. Do you want to share with us? Have you talked about your loss with the people that you keep in touch with? Do you have a T? ( therapist )

[AussieEmily]

Just thought I'd let you know the lunch I was worried about went OK.  Your calling the sex-work her "vocation" made me see it was her choice and not my place to judge.  Her Mom wanted to immediately launch into photos of the grandkids -  when my niece is estranged from her father, sister and sister's kids.  I suggested "maybe later". My niece's eyes welled up with tears but she regained emotional control. I was very proud of her. My niece is very intelligent (more than her Mom & Dad) and she just didn't get the sensitive, loving upbringing she needed from them (her live-in grandmother's adoration helped her be a less severe BPD than others I have heard of).  I have also learned from mental health workshops that you should try not to trigger "emotional mind" in BPDs so we stayed on "safe" topics like her new puppy, getting our nails done, beauty treatments and so forth.  Leave the therapy to the specialists.  At least I felt that the long difficult years with my beloved son have made me a bit wiser too.   to all who struggle here. (the time difference Aus cf USA makes for delays but US has best sites for this stuff).