Replacements, they really do trade down.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When I first found out of my replacement I was devistated, empty, broken. Hard to believe after what the NPD/BPD does to us that we are broken. I thought I was the worse, they know exactly when to replace you, when they have you in a mental mess. Close to a year and a half since I found out of my replacement and I see he is not the better man, he is a shell of a man. Like I said before we are a rural community, I know who my replacements people are and the gene pool is pretty shallow. The things she has him doing clearly indicate an abnormal r/s. He is helping Xw with conflict, she is a high conflict person, every one of my solutions for solving our issues were met with emotional abuse, my solutions were normal thinking solutions and Xw would say, who does that. So she found the golden boy to help Cary out her abuse. If you feel they traded up, give it time, they truly trade down. Water seeks its own level.

[bus boy]

When I first found out of my replacement I was devistated, empty, broken. Hard to believe after what the NPD/BPD does to us that we are broken. I thought I was the worse, they know exactly when to replace you, when they have you in a mental mess. Close to a year and a half since I found out of my replacement and I see he is not the better man, he is a shell of a man. Like I said before we are a rural community, I know who my replacements people are and the gene pool is pretty shallow. The things she has him doing clearly indicate an abnormal r/s. He is helping Xw with conflict, she is a high conflict person, every one of my solutions for solving our issues were met with emotional abuse, my solutions were normal thinking solutions and Xw would say, who does that. So she found the golden boy to help Cary out her abuse. If you feel they traded up, give it time, they truly trade down. Water seeks its own level.

[Warcleods]

Most BPD and even non BPD people line up their replacements long before they get out.  They leave you high and dry, hurt, and could care less.  These people have zero empathy and lack the spine to confront difficult situations.  They're completely unable to deal with their own emotions and look for distractions at every turn.  I lived my life that way many years ago and it's a shameful and destructive way to live.  These people seldom look inside themselves and reflect on the bad decisions they've made and try to learn from them.  They live a life of deflection, unaccountability, and zero regard for anyone but themselves.  Most importantly, their desperate attempts to avoid their own feelings have created a world built on lies and deception at EVERY turn.  You must really ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to make yourself vulernable too and if so WHY? They're cunning, calculated, and just overall disgusting people.  Once you accept that, it won't be so hard to let go because you are better than that and the best thing you can do is to let some other sucker be their tool.

[GoingBack2OC]

I can only echo this sentiment.

My ex had been grooming my replacement for months. Literally. I mean, she was still with me, albiet we were in sort of a cool phase. But she had started a whole new relationship, and was months in, and discarded me during a time where I was literally at my lowest point (financial troubles and others).

Her timing was near perfect. And when I became aware of what had been going on, even though I had asked, and she assured me there was no one else (we agreed during the cool off phase /rebuild our foundation) that we wouldnt date anyone else... .I never heard from her again.

I found out from someone else, what had been going on. And I never receieved so much as a text from her from that moment onwards. (I did manage 1 brief call 2 months later only to be hung up on).

She never addressed what she did. No apology. It was to say the least, devasting. Ive never felt hurt like that. A grown man 37 years old, and it felt worse than my first heartbreak.

It still does.

[Warcleods]

Yea, it's very shameful.

I lived this way in my early 20's but had to stop.  It causes so much stress not only to yourself but to those around you.  It's a double edged sword; the need for survival that these people have and the alternate universe it creates in the process.  One lie and deception turns into another and it soon becomes a way of life.  These lies soon become reality and an acceptable way to handle situations if you're the one actually living them.  They will lie about whether it's raining or not.  It's disgusting.

I was involved with a uBPD for over a year.  Every facet of my being told me not to trust this person and I ignored it.  I set my boundaries very early on and said if we are to be in a romantic relationship, it needs to be exclusive.  Of course she agreed at the time and I had no reason not to trust her words.  Well, I had a death in my family that I was attending too and on accident sent me a text that was meant for another guy.  At that juncture I ended the relationship but her manipulative ways convinced me that it was a mistake and she was truly sorry and remorseful.  Months later the same thing happened! and I ignored it again.  She was a very tactful and manipulative being to get what she wanted.  Red flags ALL over the place.  Was divorcing her husband at the time and of course everything was his fault.  She would value/devalue him right in front of my face, again it made me uncomfortable but I ignored it.  She would rave about how much of a wonderful mother she was but would plop her kid in front of the TV and text all day.  Would always try to convince me of what a wonderful parent she was but her words did not match her actions at all.  Was she a bad mom? No, but she wasn't as attentive and interested in being a parent as she portrayed.  Truly disturbed and broken individual.  I actually do feel sorry that she has to live with that mind of hers.

[ShadowA]

I don't think they are capable of being single. As being single means that they have to focus on their own state of being and mind. Which is probably scary for them, as they fear abandonment and being alone, and definately fear of facing the problems.

[GoingBack2OC]

Would always try to convince me of what a wonderful parent she was but her words did not match her actions at all.  Was she a bad mom? No, but she wasn't as attentive and interested in being a parent as she portrayed.  

My ex was baby crazy... .I mean... .biological clock ticking crazy.  

She would spend all our time on facebook pointing out how all of her friends were getting married, having babies.

Turns out, long story, Ill leave out, I find out towards the end of our relationship, she had unknowingly to me had her IUD taken out. Yet, never told me. Wow!

However, her Mom, had done the same thing, fearing not having a child, told her Dad she couldnt have children... .so of course they didnt use protection, and boom, she got pregnant.

When my ex broke up with me, I had this funny feeling that my replacement would likely be fathering a child very very soon with her, him thinking she was on birth control. My biggest fear, was considering she was cheating on me, for 3ish months, was that she might already be pregnant, and not even know if it was his, or mine. Im not sure I want to know. I mean, I would certainly care, to know Im a father, but at the same time it would rope be back into a very toxic sitution. I dont know, so Im leaving it at that.  Since the break up, she has virtually vanished from social networks, no posts, no pictures, for the better.

I mean, she did exactly that to me. The reason I found out by the way, was she did in fact get pregnant, and miscarried.

But talk about deception. She ended up replacing me with a guy, because of his last name, I assume, is Catholic.

I would not be surprised one bit if she is already, or in the works of getting pregnant, which, being a Catholic guy,  would pretty much guarantee a shotgun wedding.  

We were making love for a year... .a year... .no birth control at all.

You should have heard the bizarre ways she tried to make it sound sensible to me.

I felt unbelievably betrayed.

[Pretty Woman]

I will echo the statement "they are incapable of being single". Even when one ex was on the way out, she would string them along until she fully secured a new partner. I initially thought her ex (before me) was an abusive whack-o until she pulled what she pulled on me. All the things this person was accused of, I was now accused of. This woman is a well known PRISON PSYCHOLOGIST who has written books... .very respected in her industry (my ex's ex).

I take comfort in knowing if a prison psych who works with murderers couldn't help our ex, I certainly did not possess the skills to do so.

I truly believe there is no cure for BPD. You can work with it, but you can't remove it... .you would have to re-write your childhood and start over in a completely different environment. That is not possible.

I don't think of my replacement as a downgrade. She is well educated and a marketing director for a huge company. She is personable and kind (we met her together and I thought she was going to be my friend). I just think she is me in another package. She is me unaware of BPD and vulnerable.

She is overweight and insecure, she had also been cheated on in her previous relationship. This was me. I was easy to manipulate, I felt bad about myself and lacked self-esteem. My ex knew she could play on that.

Again, don't envy the replacement. Some people are easier to manipulate and those are the one's you often hear kill themselves because they are so devastated when they are finally discarded. Don't take your ex's choice personally. It truly has NOTHING to do with you.

 
PW

[LostInMemories]

All these posts sound so alike... .

They have their 'replacement' ready long before breaking up.
Same happened to me, she ensured there was no one else when she dumped me, 3 days later I find out on facebook she's back with her ex... .
Almost a year later I found out by a friend of her contacting me that she had been messing around with the guy for over a month before leaving me. Her facebook post of her '2 year anniversary' well over 1 month before breaking up with me 2 years ago confirmed that nicely... .
I keep saying it: I cannot understand how people are capable of doing that, not only pwBPD do it, a LOT of people in my direct environment do exactly the same. They cheat, lie and replace before 'discarding' their old partner. I think it's sick behavior, considered normal in the 'hookup culture' nowadays... .
I'm ashamed to be part of this generation.

[GlennT]

Hiya PW/EA! Glad to read about your progress. I remember when you first arrived. I love everything about this post. I am still wondering how in the world your ex was able to hook a prison psychologist of all people, who supposedly has heard/seen it all in their profession?

I will echo the statement "they are incapable of being single". Even when one ex was on the way out, she would string them along until she fully secured a new partner. I initially thought her ex (before me) was an abusive whack-o until she pulled what she pulled on me. All the things this person was accused of, I was now accused of. This woman is a well known PRISON PSYCHOLOGIST who has written books... .very respected in her industry (my ex's ex).

I take comfort in knowing if a prison psych who works with murderers couldn't help our ex, I certainly did not possess the skills to do so.

I truly believe there is no cure for BPD. You can work with it, but you can't remove it... .you would have to re-write your childhood and start over in a completely different environment. That is not possible.

I don't think of my replacement as a downgrade. She is well educated and a marketing director for a huge company. She is personable and kind (we met her together and I thought she was going to be my friend). I just think she is me in another package. She is me unaware of BPD and vulnerable.

She is overweight and insecure, she had also been cheated on in her previous relationship. This was me. I was easy to manipulate, I felt bad about myself and lacked self-esteem. My ex knew she could play on that.

Again, don't envy the replacement. Some people are easier to manipulate and those are the one's you often hear kill themselves because they are so devastated when they are finally discarded. Don't take your ex's choice personally. It truly has NOTHING to do with you.

 
PW

[Pretty Woman]

Glenn, a lot of mental health professionals also have issues from dealing directly with these individuals. If you Google it, you will find many who won't even work with BPD's because they ruin, they sue their practices.  Some scary stuff. They become attached to the therapist just as they do a non and it can become a co-d relationship... .with the therapist... .pair that with a lesbian and a romantic relationship and wham!

BPD runs rampant in the lesbian community. I'm not being a jerk in saying this. Women tend to be more emotionally driven to begin with. Couple that with an emotionally driven woman with BPD and the whole "Uhaul" joke isn't really funny.

In the gay community the joke is: What does a lesbian bring on a first date?

Answer: A Uhaul

Women tend to move fast in these relationships, lightning fast, before ever truly knowing their partner. I'm not saying ALL I'm just saying a lot.

Sexual fluidity is very common with BPD. It allows one "more options".

My own ex had been married to a man once, and dated a few in between. Sometimes I even wonder if she's really gay or it's the disorder at play. That's the scary thing, you don't know and you don't want to assume however being in some social circles I've seen very similar relationship patterns to mine played out with partners leaving for others in the group.

I stopped going to those social things to avoid getting sucked right back in. Once you've been removed from a BPD relationship long enough it's easy to spot potentially dangerous situations and for me, that's been a good thing to come from this hellish experience.

BTW... .nice talking with you. I remember you too. Your posts got me through a lot. Thank you! Hope you are doing well. 

[Warcleods]

Trading up or trading down, what does that even mean?

Are you suggesting that there are people out there that are better than you or not as good as you?  If so, why?  What makes them so great or not so great in comparison to you?

You need to get rid of this way of thinking and view your fellow humans as equals.  Regardless of their income level, education level, personal weaknesses and strengths, we are all still biologically the same.

Anyway, whether she trades up or trades down is irrelevant.  If she entangles herself with someone like her, we know how that will eventually play out.  If she entangles herself with someone more emotionally stable, they won't be around very long at all.  The issue lies with her and she is searching for something externally that she desperately needs within.  What I discovered is if love produces a feeling of perpetual pain, it's not love at all, it's a problem.

[fromheeltoheal]

Trading up or trading down, what does that even mean?

Are you suggesting that there are people out there that are better than you or not as good as you?  If so, why?  What makes them so great or not so great in comparison to you?

And not only that, if a borderline trades down, we were all "replacements" for someone else, which would make us "less than" them by that reasoning yes?

But what's really under that?  Borderlines need attachments to feel whole, to "complete" themselves, it's the primary focus, so a borderline is highly motivated to attach to someone, begin another relationship.  And the disorder being what it is, that usually indicates a long history of failed relationships, lost attachments to a borderline, and therefore lots of pain.

And when the relationship fails, because we lost, the borderline lost, the disorder wins again, and we've been trying and failing to make the relationship work for however long, and the borderline enters a new relationship and seems to be on top of the world, because they're in the idealization stage of the relationship, it's completely natural to consider ourselves "less than" the person they've entered a relationship with.  That doesn't feel good.  So after a while, as the new relationship evolves and the same situation we were in repeats, due to nothing other than the disorder, it's comforting to conclude the borderline "traded down".  That feels a lot better than feeling "less than".  But really, from a compassionate place, we could realize the new person is in a similar situation we were, or will be, and is in pain, the borderline's in pain again, and repeat.

So how can we use this?  We could focus on those feelings of inadequacy and where they came from, triggered by being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness yes, but where did those come from initially?  What are we making that mean?  How can we reframe it to more accurately reflect who we are and why, and not have to default to comparing ourselves to someone else to adjust how we feel about ourselves?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

[apollotech]

The results of BPD  (replacements in this thread) are "need" driven. I personally don't believe that a lot of planning goes into it; just as their whims go, the disorder dictates much of what occurs in a BPD relationship.

[SoMadSoSad]

My replacement is a trade up. Pretty sure he can attract more/healthier females than i can. The only GFs ive had are insecure ones so i guess that says a lot about me and my attractiveness.