Sent BPD gf email suggesting mutual respect and change needed. No reply yet

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It's been 5 weeks since I saw BPDgf, I did contact  in respectful non shaming email as was suggested by friends here and so far no reply. I felt so much better for doing that. Told her I love her, no mention of treatment, but definitely along the lines of both needing to make changes and that I am willing and is she? I do not expect a reply really as she rarely if ever accepted her part in any of our difficulties. I don't know if there is anything I can do other than wait for a reply, I only emailed her on Friday. I will see what happens over the next week. I cannot  attempt to reconcile or go back in there without any willingness on her part, it was so bad at times and yet I do love her but need to preserve what is left of myself. What do you think?
Thank you all

[MikeLondon]

It's been 5 weeks since I saw BPDgf, I did contact  in respectful non shaming email as was suggested by friends here and so far no reply. I felt so much better for doing that. Told her I love her, no mention of treatment, but definitely along the lines of both needing to make changes and that I am willing and is she? I do not expect a reply really as she rarely if ever accepted her part in any of our difficulties. I don't know if there is anything I can do other than wait for a reply, I only emailed her on Friday. I will see what happens over the next week. I cannot  attempt to reconcile or go back in there without any willingness on her part, it was so bad at times and yet I do love her but need to preserve what is left of myself. What do you think?
Thank you all

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mike, I suggest you let go of the outcome.  You reached out in a respectful way, from what you are saying, so the ball is in her court.  I agree w/you that it is unlikely for a pwBPD to take responsibility for his/her role in the b/u.  It just doesn't happen.  But maybe she will surprise you.  In the meantime, suggest you avoid ruminating on something over which you have no control -- her response (if any).

LuckyJim

[ArleighBurke]

I agree with LuckyJim. You can only control YOU.

If she does come back, be aware things may not change. Rather than asking her to commit to a behaviour she can't, I suggest you read up on Boundaries instead. The effective use of Boundaries will protect you, and is probably the only way that you *may* change her behaviour***. (***Boundaries are not designed to change her behaviour, but they sometimes have that side effect).

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

[MikeLondon]

Thanks guys, I did just get a reply to my email. It was the sort of thing I expected. There was no reference to my suggestion that we both my be willing to change. Just more of the same kind of stuff... .my lack of honesty, her total dedication to us, very minimizing about rage. Telling me how she has suffered and given all for love and how unselfish she has been and also how we had such a perfect relationship if only I hadn't listened to "other people". It has rattled me a bit, but I just can't even engage on this basis. I really don't know how to reply, it just feels exactly like it used to. The way it was has been fictionalized and minimized, while telling me she can no way tolerate the idea of one night apart and if only I had realized what I had in her. She also said how she is dreading Christmas, and included in this email that totally did not answer my main point ( willingness to change or look at our part). I don't want to get involved in a circular conversation again, this so reminds me of that. What do you think?

[Notwendy]

We have control over how we express our feelings. What we don't have control over is how the other person chooses to respond to that.

Although you wished for something else- some insight, some mutual agreements, what you received was this response. Now, the choices you have are about how you will respond. Will you go back on your word and continue the relationship on her terms- the way things have been, or will you uphold your terms- that you can not reconcile without her taking some responsibility for the issues in the relationship?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mike, While you figure out your next move, I suggest you beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt), which is the pitchfork that a pwBPD uses to manipulate us.  I predict that you will experience a guilt trip from her and possibly something along the lines that you "owe" her (obligation).  If those techniques don't work, get ready for fear, such as an  ultimatum.  Maybe that won't happen, but forewarned is forearmed!

LuckyJim

[MikeLondon]

Thanks so much guys, this is so helpful to me. It has taken away some of the panic that I was feeling as to what to do next. I have to be aware of the FOG and there are already hints of how her life is not much worthwhile now! You are right I cannot control the outcome here. She has basically said exactly what she might have always said, whilst missing the point that I was trying to make. I am definitely  not prepared to go back under these circumstances and I don't even really feel like responding, I know that she wants to suck me back into the vortex of blame and shame and arguing pointlessly meanwhile I would wind up back in there again. Life is too short. Is it ok to not reply? I am out of words, seeing how there was absolutely no hint of taking any responsibility, just more of how she has had to forgive me and how do I think that feels? I really am grateful for the wisdom on this site, my stomach has relaxed a little, I really do feel obligated and guilty too, at times to do this or that, to reply or respond. She said she can't face Christmas etc, all this hits home with me.  I don't know how real this is but she seems to hit the right notes in me to freeze or paralyze me somehow, that stops me taking the action I need to do. Kind of puts me in doubt and some fear. I am fed up with the circular dialogue and I get left with visions of this poor soul pining away for me and I feel awful, but, I happen to know that she is getting on with her life, working, new car and stuff, but tells me that I am the only man she ever loved, how wonderful it would have been if only I had done xyz and not done abc. I am so sick of it. I think I am probably feeling this more than she is. I suppose I am seeking to give myself permission to just leave it all alone. I don't want to write back. Is that OK?   

[Notwendy]

IMHO it is totally OK to not respond.

It is important to pay attention to our own authentic self when we make choices. If you do not wish to respond, then no response is OK. 

When we talk about FOG, this includes feeling obligated to continue a discussion, or respond in a certain way out of obligation, not what we want to do, so a response out of FOG is not necessary.

[MikeLondon]

Thanks NW that is very helpful. You know it seems as though I would know the answers if I were helping/advising someone else, but I don't seem to have any sense when it comes to my own situation. I believe that you are right, I would be answering from FOG and that is not what I want to do.

[Lucky Jim]

I know that she wants to suck me back into the vortex of blame and shame and arguing pointlessly meanwhile I would wind up back in there again. Life is too short. Is it ok to not reply?

Hey Mike, Right, she's trying to lure you back into the BPD soup.  Agree, life is short and we need to do the things that bring us joy.  Sure, it's OK not to reply if you don't feel like it.  Be authentic!  Go with your gut!  You don't have to do anything you don't want to do in terms of prolonging your BPD r/s.  Keep alert for F-O-G, which is bound to creep in.

LuckyJim

[MikeLondon]

Thanks LJ and others. I really needed that message. It seems I am so unsure of myself. FOG is already acting on me. I know I don't want and cannot be in the r/s as it is and I also know that it is the same old message coming from her. I have an irrational fear that somehow, against my will even, that I will end up back in  it. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone here. It is like a paralysis, I don't want to go back and yet, almost feel I should answer or reply, cos that's what I've always done. I just read the JADE information too. It is almost six weeks and I know that she is functioning OK, but when will I function ok? It is crazy, like I might get dragged back into the r/s. What is that all about?

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Mike, Your fear, in my view, is well placed, because I lacked the strength to avoid getting yanked back into a r/s with a pwBPD.  BPD undertow will pull you into dangerous waters, my friend, so be careful not to get caught in the rip tide.  My inability to stand firm resulted in a serious detour in my life, from which I'm still recovering.  The BPD soup is toxic, yet many of us have allowed ourselves to be submerged,.  BPD, one could say, is like the Cave of the Minotaur in Greek Mythology, from which few emerge unscathed. 

LuckyJim

[MikeLondon]

Thanks again LJ and guys, the insight and experience here is invaluable. It has definitely helped me keep what is left of my sanity. The analogy of the Minotaur feels right. Strange knowing it is over and yet 'unfinished' in terms of satisfactory or grown up ' closure'. Perhaps that is a bridge too far. She has really given me all of the feedback necessary. Anything else from me would probably be asking for trouble. The hard part is just leaving it all alone. I am one day at a time doing just that. Am going to put a bit of physical distance between us soon. Am leaving for the holidays a 5000 mile trip for a month or so. Can't wait. Still sad, but maybe just seeing the possibility of freedom. Am trying to let go with love. Easier said than done. But got to get away for a while. Feel cautiously optimistic. I really don't want to go any more rounds in this relationship.