Where am I going wrong please?

[Larmoyant]

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid people might think that I'm not being honest with myself and the community and that my efforts to detach are not coming from an authentic place. Yesterday I made a list of all the things that are holding me back. I'd like to share them (1)trauma bonds (2)cognitive dissonance (3)lack of closure (4)pain (5)fear (6) childhood issues (7) futile hope (8) codependency. I now feel hopeless because I'm struggling with each of these, and who knows what else, and now I've heard from him again and because I feel I've had a set back I want to respond. It feels like I may as well give up, stop fighting. I just don't understand and tears are flowing. Where am I going wrong?

[flourdust]

I am glad you chose to share that. It's honest.

In my experience, of all the various lessons here, the key to unlocking success is Radical Acceptance.

Acceptance does not mean approval. It does not mean choosing to continue your life as it has been because nothing can change. It simply means that you acknowledge what things are out of your control and you cease trying to control them.

A brick wall will never yield to your head, no matter how hard you hit it, or how much empathy you have for the wall, or what promises you make to the wall. You will always end up with a bloody head and a brick wall. If you walk away, the wall will not feel guilty and try to get you back. It will always be a brick wall.

Try accepting some of the things on your list rather than fighting them. I'll pick some.

(4) pain and (5) fear: There will always be pain and fear. You can not make pain and fear go away. You can not trick pain and fear into leaving or hide yourself until they leave you alone. You can try to accept that they are there and go about your life. You will be out living your life, with pain and fear at your side. That's better than waiting for them to leave.

(7) futile hope: Futile means that it is pointless, that it will never produce the desired outcome. If you accept that it is futile, then you will still have this hope, but you will know that nothing you do will ever actualize it. It is another annoying companion that you can't banish but can't get in your way if you just go about your business.

(8) codependency: You are codependent. This is not just another label. This describes bad choices you make. You make sacrifices and put others first, not selflessly but because it gratifies your own ego to feel that you are heroically empathic and a savior. You may always have the impulse to make these choices, but they are choices. You can make other choices. You can choose not to rescue people from their own problems. You can choose not to thrust your generosity upon people in the hope that their gratitude will make you feel better about yourself. You can choose to put yourself first. Obviously, someone who puts themselves first and never helps others is a selfish person, but you can acknowledge that your own instincts push you too far in the other direction, and you should practice pushing back and being more selfish.

You've named some problems. That's a good first step. Now see if you can accept them and work with them.

[sad but wiser]

Hello,
  No one is here to judge.  We have all been there and we are here so you have an anchor, a compass and a kind word in a difficult situation.  I remember how hard it was to detach and nearly impossible to go no contact, to let go of false hope and accept the truth.  It is a struggle, always.  But worth it.  Do not lose heart.  You are tired now and lost.  But friends are here.

[babyducks]

"acceptance is the answer to all my problems today"

Okay that is from the Big Book of AA but it fits here too.

What I can Accept, I can Understand.  What I can Understand, I can Change.

People with mental illnesses write emails, distort reality, engage in conflict.   It's.What.They.Do. 

 If I expect it to be any different than that I am not accepting reality. 

 If I keep doing the same things over and over, expecting different results I am not accepting reality.

Acceptance means I am not a victim.  Wishing things to be different never works.

Recovery begins when you commit to living in the truth.   However unpleasant that truth may be. 

I, and only I, am responsible for me.   Bad things happened.  I tried to make things different.    It didn't work.   Sure I could list all the bad things that happened.   I could wail and moan about them.   After a point that will be counter productive, it will keep me stuck.   

I was in a relationship with a mentally ill individual.  Are there lots of complicated reasons for that?  You betcha.  Picking any one of those complicated reasons and working to reframe it is the place to start.

The person who is going to make me feel better is me.  No one else.   

I agree with flourdust.   You named some issues.   What can you do today to reframe them in your life?

[icky]

. "acceptance is the answer to all my problems today". What I can Accept, I can Understand.  What I can Understand, I can Change. People with mental illnesses write emails, distort reality, engage in conflict.   It's.What.They.Do.  . If I expect it to be any different than that I am not accepting reality.  . I, and only I, am responsible for me.   Bad things happened.  I tried to make things different.    It didn't work.   . I was in a relationship with a mentally ill individual.  . The person who is going to make me feel better is me.  No one else.   .

. i love babyduck's post. i agree that this is probably a good place to start:. i fell in love with someone with a mental illness. the symptoms of his mental illness caused me a lot of pain - in fact, they've come close to ruining my life. he is not getting any help to lessen the symptoms of his mental illness. the symptoms of his mental illness are continuing to cause me massive pain. i'm (currently) not equipped to protect myself against the symptoms of his mental illness, other than by keeping a safe distance and refusing to be in contact with him. Larmoyant - did you see my dog-walking post in reply to your post in the Personal Inventory and Self-Awareness section?  .  Hi!

[Grey Kitty]

I remember an essay about walking through hell. Summary: Keep walking. Take another step. You may not know where you are going, or how you are going to get there, but if you stop now... .well, you would just be sitting down in your own personal hell, to get stuck there. If you fall down, get up and take another step. You will find your way out if you keep moving.

In other words... .maybe you aren't doing anything wrong today. It just feels this way today.

You are stronger than you know.

[icky]

. : ). yup - that's a fantastic quote. it's:  if you're going through hell - KEEP GOING.

[Larmoyant]

Thank you for your replies. I have been dragged into his world of push/pull and I have been horrifically abused. I've been swirling around trying to ground myself. Grabbing hold of any safety rope. My therapist, friends, BPD family, books about BPD, articles, research. I've been trying my best. It took all my strength to leave. I'm learning about BPD, learning about myself. Fighting denial, reading over my old journals, remembering the horror, trying to find a place for it, understand it, fighting my natural instinct to care, to understand, to have compassion.  I thought there would be a safe place to land, but I can't find it. I'm too damaged now. Maybe this is acceptance?     

[sad but wiser]

I think your compassion has a place.  Right now, you may feel it would leave you vulnerable and weak.  You may feel you need your anger to keep you safe and keep you seeing the truth.  I know I felt that way.  Some time has passed and I struggle to fully forgive.  I am learning to draw strong boundaries, but not walls.  I am glad I still have compassion.  I am learning to care without being the caretaker.  It takes time and practice.