Advice for our son?

[BowlOfPetunias]

We were supposed to have a parents' session with our 14-year-old son's therapist last night.  My wife couldn't make it, and the therapist was actually glad to have some time to talk to me frankly about her behavior.  (The therapist has given us advice on how to improve our relationship with him--stay calm, use few words, say things once, etc.--but my wife does not manage to control herself and stick to these strategies.)

A specific question she put to me was what advice I would give to our son about how to avoid conflict and deal with his mother's rages.

Obviously, telling him to leave until she calms down is not going to be viable.  Here are some of the ideas I have come up with, including basic BPD advice and somethings more specific to his and her behavior.   While BPDs often blame nons for something they did not do, for example, he does indeed misbehave and create problems and therefore needs to take his share of responsibility.  She needs to stop projecting her anger when she feels accused of being a bad mother, but he can discuss problematic behavior in a way that does not sound like "you're a bad mother."

•   Try to stay calm.
•   Validating—I can see you are very angry.  When she gets overly emotional (verge of tears) I see that you are very upset. 
•   I statements—I feel like you think I am too stupid understand what you are saying.  I have heard what you said, but I don’t know what else you want right now.  I don’t know how to end this argument.
•   Take your share of responsibility and, when appropriate, ask for her to take responsibility IN RETURN.  Not just responsibility from her.  “Yes, I was playing games when I should be doing my homework.  I understand that I was wrong and you want me to do my homework.  Now that I have said that, continuing to repeat that I was wrong will just prevent me from doing my homework.  Please give me some space to do the right thing now.”  And don’t try to avoid responsibility with a “That’s just the way I am” or a “just because” argument.  Why weren’t you doing your homework?  Don’t say, “I just can’t help myself” or “I don’t know why I did it.  I was just doing it, OK?”  Say something like, “I am sorry.  I am a bit intimidated by this assignment so I was procrastinating.  I realize that it is my responsibility for changing this behavior.”
•   On a related note, try asking Dad for help instead of Mom.  She tends to focus on positive thinking—“I know you can do this.  You’re smart.”—which might make you feel worse because you then feel like you need to live up to her expectations.  Or maybe it makes you feel that she thinks you are stupid if you can’t do it.  Instead, ask Dad for practical advice.  “I just don’t think I can do this.  There is so much work and it is too hard.  What can I do?” “OK, I see this is a big assignment and it looks intimidating.  Let’s break it down into smaller steps and focus on getting started.” Or in some cases, “I see that this is really hard and you might not get everything right.  But you won’t get any of it right if you don’t even try.  It doesn’t need to be perfect, but it does need to be completed.” 
•   If you do need support from Mom, be clear about what you really need.  “I know that you are trying to encourage me, but what I really need right now is someone to listen and provide empathy.  I feel dismissed when you tell me that you know that I can do this.  You might not agree with my fears, but that doesn’t mean that my fears are not real.”
•   Establish credibility and trustworthiness.  If you did something wrong, own up to it and take action to correct your mistake.  Don’t say that you started the laundry when you did not.  “No, I got distracted and I didn’t start the laundry.  I am going to do it right now.” 
•   Don’t poke the hornet’s nest.  If we said no to a movie or video game, bugging Mom about this will not get you the movie or the video game.  It will only lead to a big argument that will take time and energy away from things you could be enjoying.  You don’t like her repeating things, so don’t do it to her.
•   Model how you want her to behave.  If you would like more privacy, respect Mom & Dad’s privacy.  If you believe Mom or Dad are being inappropriately intrusive, you will be able to say, “I respect your privacy.  I realize that as my parents you need to know about some of the things I am doing.  But I am entitled to some privacy about this particular issue.”
•   Similarly, act in a respectful manner so that you can tell her when she is saying something inappropriate.  Don’t tease her and she will have no grounds to tease you.  (Recent example:  teasing her about problems with her underwear.)  “Mom, you might be joking, but I am very embarrassed by what you are saying.  Please stop.”  “I know that this subject (ie, potential dating) is important and that we need to discuss it sometimes.  Sometimes I may need to come to you for advice about it.  But I will not be able to discuss it seriously if I feel embarrassed because you teased me about it.  Please keep the communication about this issue respectful so that I feel safe talking to you about it.”
•   Avoid framing things as she is a bad mother.  If you tell her she is a bad mother, she will try to find someone to blame for her being a bad mother—and it will be you. Don’t say “You’re being a helicopter mom!”  Try something more like, “I understand why you are concerned about this and what you want me to do/not do.  But you can’t always be there to make sure that I do the right thing.  You need to give me a chance.  I realize that there will be consequences if I do something wrong even if you are not watching me.”
•   Be the bigger person.  When she tries to get in the last word, ignore her.  Don’t respond.  In essence, “Don’t feed the trolls.”  Only respond if she does not stop arguing after her last zinger—calmly and by saying that you understand what she wants so there is no need to continue the discussion.  If she does get in one last zinger, that gives you the choice of either ending the conversation or rehashing the same arguments over and over again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[icky]

ummm, wow : ). that's a lot of stuff for a 14 year old to remember! especially in a stressful, complicated situation. could you whittle it down to the 3 most important points, each only one sentence long? really get it down to the absolute essence. i work as a teacher at a vocational college and i spend most of my time whittling stuff down for my students - really dumbing it down for them. the details can come later, once they've understood the basics. it is a LOT of work, whittling it down to the essence, but it is very worthwhile work. not only does it HUGELY help the kids, but it forces you to think about the stuff for so long until you too have worked out what the absolute core issues are   : )

[icky]

maybe one of them could be:. if mum gets inappropriately upset and aggressive, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. another could be:. if you make a mistake or do something wrong, APOLOGISE AND MAKE AMENDS. . tell him these are good, basic rules for his WHOLE LIFE, because he will encounter people who get unreasonably emotional/ aggressive/ blamey all of his life. remind him that good relationships are a two-way street tho, so it's good to be accountable for when you're not contributing positively to the situation. maybe the third one could be:. if you're not coping with a situation with mum, or are unsure how to deal with it, COME AND ASK FOR HELP - from me or your therapist. . i reckon that pretty much covers the core basics  : )

[icky]

btw, it's a big ask, getting a 14 year old to help do care and maintenance work for a mentally ill person, that they are meant to be developing away from. 14 is the age where you massively start trying to leave the nest in awkward baby-steps. in the conflicts a 14-year-old creates, they are training their social/ emotional/ psychological muscles to cope with the ("big bad" world out there. your son needs to engage in those kind of patterns with you, to help him start fending for himself in a world with lots of rough knocks. i wonder whether it's really healthy making him take so much responsibility for being considerate of his mother's mental illness? i think if i were you, i'd only do the following:. a) let him know that his mum does have a kind of mental illness (at 14, he's old enough to know imo). b) let him know that it's YOUR job to take care of her mental illness, NOT his, and you are doing that. c) you would appreciate his assistance in not making things harder/ worse than they need to be. dunno if it's just me, but asking a 14 year old to validate a mentally ill mother doesn't feel healthy to me

[BowlOfPetunias]

Our son's therapist had asked for examples of techniques that I use for dealing with my wife and how our son could use them.

The idea was not for me to make up a list for me to give to him, but rather for ideas that she could incorporate into building skills for him to learn how to avoid/defuse conflict with her.  In other words, if something would need to be changed for use by a 14-year-old, I am sure that she would modify it accordingly.

[icky]

. ohhhhhhhhhhh   : ). cool!

[Sunfl0wer]

This sounds like really productive neat stuff... .when I was reading your list.

If I had something I could add, it would be... .

Identify when the other person seems triggered (irrational, choked up voice, overly emotional, raising voice, spiteful tone, etc)
=>make a "smooth" exit
=>lay blame on self for exit (ex: My mind is loosing focus now, can we talk about this in an hour?  Or. Having trouble processing atm, feeling overwhelmed, anxious, etc, I need a break to clear my mind so we can talk about this tonight and I can better hear your point please.)

Learning to identify trigger in another and the decide how to respond vs reacting made a huge difference to me in both responding and in realizing that it is the other person's sh1t that is flying around, so not to add my own to the mix.