abusive expartner

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi im looking for some support to help me move forward. I have been a victim of terrible domestic violence of a psychological emotional and physical type. The psychological is very complex to explain but physical abuse includes knives to my throat, knocking me over, totalling a car weeith a bat while i huddled inside ect. I have so much confusion at my situation. I have three kids and want to co-parent with my expartner (who has been diagnoosed with borderline personality and obsessive compulsuve disorder, although now through many horrible voicemails has said he does not in fact have the disorder at all - I'm the main cause of his mental problems) He became obessed with the idea i had an affair a couple of years ago (im nowhere near the type to do that plus im terrified of him) and he has made a point of destroying my reputation and abusing me all based on this belief. No evidence of any sort such as a text message or witness or anything in twenty years every surfaced but he continually has told many people this about me and keeps treating me horrifically based on this beleif. Im finding it just so difficult with so much abuse still coming my way.

[hellsbells]

Hi im looking for some support to help me move forward. I have been a victim of terrible domestic violence of a psychological emotional and physical type. The psychological is very complex to explain but physical abuse includes knives to my throat, knocking me over, totalling a car weeith a bat while i huddled inside ect. I have so much confusion at my situation. I have three kids and want to co-parent with my expartner (who has been diagnoosed with borderline personality and obsessive compulsuve disorder, although now through many horrible voicemails has said he does not in fact have the disorder at all - I'm the main cause of his mental problems) He became obessed with the idea i had an affair a couple of years ago (im nowhere near the type to do that plus im terrified of him) and he has made a point of destroying my reputation and abusing me all based on this belief. No evidence of any sort such as a text message or witness or anything in twenty years every surfaced but he continually has told many people this about me and keeps treating me horrifically based on this beleif. Im finding it just so difficult with so much abuse still coming my way.

[Mutt]

Hi hellbells,



I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through such a terrible experience  Are you getting the help of a T to work through the trauma? If I had to guess from what you're sharing with us here, your ex is high conflict, what is the level of conflict at present? Does your ex co-operate? How many kids? How old are they? Is there a court order in place?

[hellsbells]

Thanks so much for reading and replying Mutt
we have three children, the eldest is now 18 and in the pricess of changing her name. He is a person who has a high amount of conflict in other areas of his life but i seem to be at the brunt of a huge amount if abuse. Im going back to the police tomorrow after recieiving 40 phonescalls and horrible voicemails yesterday bevause i said i wanted him to take his dog back .   Id been homing it for him since he moved into a one bedroom flat after our separation. I didnt expect a thankyou from him, but abuse was hard to take given i held onto the dog as long as i could ( two years). It was the last of many ties i had to him and i want it severed. I've been avoiding an intervention order s nd family court as in the past this has greatly inflamed his hatred and damaging behAvoir toward me and honestly I fear for the kids.

I'm about to begin professional help again. I feel stuck. It's taken me 18months to detach him from me, his inability to cope with everyday things like paying bills or food shopping or keeping a roof over his head has reeled me back in. I guess I've been thinking i help him for the kids so they have a more stable parent.

I've forgiven horrible things. Including an affair with my sons friends parent. I have to see her every day when i drop the kids to school.

[hellsbells]

#sorry I should say our daughter is changing her name because she chooses not to have her dad in her life. She disowns him.

My biggest battle us within myself.it's not with him. I've loved the person for half my life. Forgiven so much... .invested so much. But the person i loved wasn't real. We happy happy times but even then no matter how hard i tried I couldn't get us back to where we were
 His delusions of my imaginary betrayals ruined us. It gave him the excuse to abuse me and no matter what i did i couldnt prove something I didn't do

[hellsbells]

I guess im desperate to know if my experience is unusual for a person who has a partner with borderline personality disorder ? Is it him and his disorder ? What is an abusive violent controlling man and what part did his disorder play in it

[Mutt]

Hi hellsbells,

I understand. You might of felt alone for a long time and you're anxious to find some answers. You're not alone, I'm glad that you decided to join us. You can look around and read posts from other members on the site and you'll probably see a lot of similarities.

Some members have a person in their lives that is diagnosed and there are many that have someone that is not diagnosed. We don't focus on the diagnosis for a couple of reasons, we're not professionals and cannot diagnose but we have the right to place boundaries on ourselves against behaviors that are not acceptable to us. We focus on BPD traits. I think that it's 27% of the population suffer from a mental illness of some sort and 5.9% of the population have BPD and 6.2% have NPD. BPD or mental disorders are usually co-morbid with another or several mental illnesses, so a pwBPD ( a person with BPD ) could have BPD, NPD, PTSD, depression etc.

He is a person who has a high amount of conflict in other areas of his life but i seem to be at the brunt of a huge amount if abuse. Im going back to the police tomorrow after recieiving 40 phonescalls and horrible voicemails yesterday bevause i said i wanted him to take his dog back .

I'm glad to hear that you're getting some help. You may want to talk to members on the divorce board, the seniors members have experience and can give you practical advise for survivors https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0 and keep us posted.

A pwBPD will direct their anger and rage to the people that are closest to them, BPD is an invisible disorder meaning that the behaviors are not usually seen by others and the behaviors are directed at the people closest to them because they're the most tempered.

I guess im desperate to know if my experience is unusual for a person who has a partner with borderline personality disorder ? Is it him and his disorder ? What is an abusive violent controlling man and what part did his disorder play in it

This is probably the question that weighs most heavily on your mind? I'll try to answer it, a person with mental illness is not defined by their disorder, he's not BPD, but he is a person that is afflicted by it, it's a serious mental disorder. I'm not saying that his actions are excusible because he has a personality disorder, it's up to him to take care of himself and get help for it. This is the way that he survives, I suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, it helps to understand that his behaviors are not personal, he has unresolved trauma, he would he need help from professionals to work on his core wound of abandonment, a narcisstic injury, it helps to depersonalize the behaviors, because it helps us with our healing. Learning about BPD can also help us identify patterns too... .

Im going back to the police tomorrow after recieiving 40 phonescalls and horrible voicemails yesterday bevause i said i wanted him to take his dog back

A BPD behavior are extinction bursts, it sounds like you're changing a pattern and he's not getting the usual emotional response, the behaviors get worse before they extinguish and they can feel scary if you don't know what is going on. Did your kids have soothers when they were younger or not? I recall my eldest daughter, I was a new father and I hadn't gone through the experience but I found it really hard hearing her cry for her soother when we took it away from her. Each night for close to two weeks she would cry when we put her to bed and didn't give her her soother and the cries kept getting worse every night, it sounded like she was in pain but she wasn't at the peek of that, she went through an extinction burst, and finally she was calm when we put her to bed and the behavior extinguished. If I had to guess, he's feeling like he's going to be abandoned and he may not of felt things pushed this far before. That's a good sign it means that you're sticking to your boundaries.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

[hellsbells]

Thankyou thankyou Mutt. I've read and reread your comments. I'd like to read again and think about what  you have said some more, so much rings true to me and the behavoir directed at me over the past free weeks has been so difficult to understand but i definately think what u were saying about the extinction behavoir is correct and it is indeed a good sign as i implement new boundaries.it's so strange he tells me he's hates me so and never wants to look at me again but yet he gets upset when i take the necessary steps to detach further from him ?

It's like you met him when you talk of abandonment issues and unresolved trauma. He was abandoned as a child by his dad that he loved so much then also his mum down the track.

I will read more posts and as I'm deeply curios to understand my experience.

He has such rages and then assigns blame to me. One day he has these deep issues and he's sorry for what he does... .then the next day he will leave messages saying that I am in fact the cause of all his emotional problems and behaviors.

I will keep reading, thankyou so much for your comments.

[Mutt]

it's so strange he tells me he's hates me so and never wants to look at me again but yet he gets upset when i take the necessary steps to detach further from him ?

I understand. The contradictories feel like crazy making behavior to us. Some experts say that BPD is a shamed based disorder, a pwBPD have low self worth, low self esteem, and are hyper-critical and they will devaluate you to sooth their feelings because they often feel less than you. I'd like to think that how critical, rigid and harsh my ex can display externally is probably what goes on inside internally, a hyper critical voice. The Achilles heel for a pwBPD is abandonment and will frantically avoid it, perceived in his mind or real.

BPD is a persecution complex where the person believes that their circumstances are  caused externally and not through their choices and actions. A pwBPD will often cast themselves in the role of victim, sometimes rescuer, seldom persecutor but will cast you often in the role of persecutor. This polarized dynamic causes a lot of unnecessary drama, BPD is personality disorder in the dramatic cluster or also known as cluster B, there are 10 personality  disorders, and three clusters, cluster a ( eccentric ) cluster b ( dramatic ) cluster c ( anxious )

[hellsbells]

This makes sense. Of course ! I'm considered by him to be the core reason for his unhappiness, his predicament in life... .because he has a way of thinking that causes him to feel the victim and feel it is not his behavoir causing such things. He talked of our time in family court as such the victim for example - i had to remind him he was in fact the aggressor - the initiator of unnecessary proceedings.
 He has no extended family left, one by one he has alienated everyone yet he describes the problem as each and every person having some vendetta against him from cousins to friends of his parents, parents siblings & neices and nephews even those estranged from other members of the family. The common denominator is him of cpurse... .his rages... .his very emotional and angry and insensitive behavoir. It's so sad
 For a long time I stood by him knowing he had been abandoned by every one he loved. Even his now adult daughter.

He told me once he didn't speak to his mother anymore. He told this strange story of how it was because myself and his mother didn't get along. That him disowning her was out of respect for me. How noble. Except it wasn't true. I had welcomed her many times into our home and did so until he refused to go to her birthday party because she had annoyed him over a minor issue.

I reminded him of this. But his recollection was so strange but had happened many times... .the reframing almost of events sseseddo they seemed like he was the victim in different situations - that other people behaved very differently than they actually had. I wondered about psychosis ? This and given his delusions of my infedialty (i can only describe it as a dr llusion... .I think he believed i had been... .he had created a scenario in his mind and couldn't be convinced otherwise).

How profound in your experience is this disorder ... .this cluster of behavoirs and perceptions ? I feel at times i felt he was or had verged on psychosis. By psychosis (im no psychiatrist) I guess i mean delusional thinking. Believing what is unreal or impossible to be true.

You've been so great to talk to mutt. I'm trying not to squeeze you like a sponge but i find what you are saying to be so insightful and I'm sad for u though as i imagine all the learning you have had on the subject may have been spurred on by some very difficult experiences with your expartner.

[Mutt]

No worries, it's been a pleasure chatting with you too. You sound like a compassionate person if you stuck by him. This could be a catalyst for change for him because he's back in himself into a corner, for a pwBPD sometimes they have to hit their rock bottom before they get help.

When someone alters reality often it's a sign of mental illness, a pwBPD wI'll dissociate or alter reality match their out of place feelings.

My ex exposed something that was there in the past with girlfriends, not all but  most had BPD traits, i'd say BPD lite with the exception of another one but again she was different,, she was heavily addicted to alcohol, but my ex girlfriends didn't have the dial cranked up like my ex wife did. I'd like to think that my ex wife was a wake up call, something that needed urgent attention hence the intensity. I had to ask myself why am I attracting emotionally needy women? I can't blame it on them if I keep making  the same choices?