Her behavious was a test?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Someone please help me. I feel like I'm going insane.

My ex possibly person with BPD just told me that her innaproriate behaviour (being physical )with another guy, was the uttermost test of actually trusting her. Having read a lot on these messageboards i almost understand her logic. But it's a test i'm bound to fail. She reckons that if the roles were reveresed, and i let some woman feel me up, she would forgive me. i dn't think shes being honest. my head is a bit mangled now. She has even acknowledged that she lied about the whole thing because she didnt want to be destroyed by everything. what the heck  what test it this/? how does this make sense?

Prior to this, she said she wanted to be used and to have sex with me. No talking, no emotion, just sex.

what is going on

[butters]

Someone please help me. I feel like I'm going insane.

My ex possibly person with BPD just told me that her innaproriate behaviour (being physical )with another guy, was the uttermost test of actually trusting her. Having read a lot on these messageboards i almost understand her logic. But it's a test i'm bound to fail. She reckons that if the roles were reveresed, and i let some woman feel me up, she would forgive me. i dn't think shes being honest. my head is a bit mangled now. She has even acknowledged that she lied about the whole thing because she didnt want to be destroyed by everything. what the heck  what test it this/? how does this make sense?

Prior to this, she said she wanted to be used and to have sex with me. No talking, no emotion, just sex.

what is going on

[Warcleods]

This is a really terrible attempt at seeing if you will give her permission to cheat.

My ex BPD tried these tactics.  She'd tell me I was the best guy she'd ever met on all levels and then when triggered, she would tell me she wants to date other people.  It's a manipulation tactic as she is trying to feel for how much she can get away with.  My ex did the same thing with her husband, and an open marriage that she sold to him as a method of bringing them closer together, had quite the opposite effect.

I have given up on what goes through these people's heads.   At times I feel sorry for them that they have to live with this inner turmoil but the damage they cause is unforgivable.

[SoMadSoSad]

Sounds like it might be push/pull. Pushed her away with her action/behavior and now trying to pull you back in by not making it a big deal and coming up with different excuses.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Yup,  they will sh*t test you constantly to find out what your boundaries are, then run all over you.

If I'd known then what I know now... .

One of the strategies I've evolved in the aftermath is to write down what your boundaries are and STICK TO THEM.  If they cross them, state your boundary and if they cross it again, stop calling them, cut them off- it's the only way to make that stick.

Being a nice, understanding person will just get you run all over.

[Skyglass]

Sounds like emotional mind manipulation. There is no test... .this is not school and there will be no grades given in the end. Whether you pass this so called test or not doesn't matter. This was a relationship that I assume you were hoping would be built on foundational trust. Someone admitting to you that they cheated doesn't allow them to get away with it if your belief is that cheating is unacceptable and a boundary was severely crossed.
If you can possibly try and look at the facts only and separate the emotional mind, you may come to some clarity and call it for what it is. Also, ask yourself if this is a boundary you can stand to have this person cross again? I understand that it is easier said than done to try and turn off the emotional mind but don't get sucked up into your partner's reality. Their reality and perception is often extremely distorted. And sometimes we have to look at the facts as the facts, yes? Truly sorry to hear you are going through this but we are here for you.

[apollotech]

Hi butters,

That whole scenario sounds like her having an Engulfment issue, so she pushed you away via her indiscretion with the other guy. Look at what she asked for:

Prior to this, she said she wanted to be used and to have sex with me. No talking, no emotion, just sex.

Purely physical contact without any emotional or intimate connectivity. It's a hard realization, but that may be all that she's capable of having/giving.

Take care of yourself in all of her chaos. Respect yourself, and make decisions for yourself that reflect that position. We are here to help you on your journey.

[butters]

OK, I made some progress last night.

Talked to my exBPD and finally the lies ceased... .or at least some of them. I really had to put my foot down first though, had to be blunt with her and plainly state that I would stop communication unless she started being honest with me.

She admitted that she knew something was going to happen that night and went out and did it anyway. I think i also knew deep down that something bad was going to happen, but more on the point of getting wasted. Drink played a large part, or gave her the excuse to carry out what she did. I think we were both struggling with issues in our relationship.

She didn't want to break up but also couldn't carry on the way we were. I had become paranoid and controlling. She had issues with her food which I worried about. She had issues with her drinking which I worried about. Issues with her ex that I worried about. I sound like I'm making excuses for her, but I'm just trying to understand. Of course, I think I would have handled a break up differently. Cheating is so damaging.

I talked to her about her lying and gas lighting which was met with little resistance and some honesty. My god, it's such a relief to know I wasn't going mad, to hear her give truthful events rather than BS.

Some areas are still a little grey. This was a test that if i loved her i would forgive. She knew that I couldn't forgive her for that. This test was also a way to force my hand in breaking up... .Either there are a few issues at play here or my ex is just giving BS again.

Either way, the damage is done. I've been toying with the idea if it's possible to work through this, to reconcile. But, getting what i saw out of my head is going to be impossible. I'll never trust her again and it would be a living hell for both of us if we got back together.

Any thoughts? I'm gutted our relationship ended but i really don't think there's any way back, and I will never know if my ex is just telling me what i want to hear.

[Warcleods]

Butters,

You're conflicted right now and it is very normal and healthy.  It means you have values.  In this particular case, you are NOT okay with unfaithfulness in a relationship.  Hold onto that value dearly and do not bend the rules for her or make exceptions.  She is clearly incapable of having her own boundaries making decisions based on empathy (the consideration of your feelings and how her actions might affect you.)   

Try to look at her reasoning behind wanting to do what she did.   There is none... .

Rational people don't commit a damaging act and spin to their favor as a redemption test.  It's ludicrous, manipulative and it WILL continue.  My exBPD did the same exact thing but in her own twisted way.  These people act purely on emotion at the time and it drives their decision making. 

Ultimately your decision to stay or go is yours, but choose wisely, go with your instincts as they will never lie to you.

[butters]

Warcleods, you may be right.

Communication was difficult last night. I don't know whether i'm being too empathetic or just a sucker. The reasoning behind her actions are somewhat confused and hazy. I think we left it as she wasn't quite sure why she done it but thinks she wanted me to dump her... .but is now trying to reconcile or at least doesn't want to move on without me in the background.

Her sister seems to think that she just went self destructive. It would appear that she choose to drink and put herself in this situation regardless . My god, I'm trying so hard to justify her behaviour that I'm embarrassed for myself.

My ex says that her OD was because of her being unfaithful and she couldn't live with it... .even though in other sentences she said she was unfaithful on purpose because she wanted me to dump her. Things seem to contradict each other and I don't know if this is because she is seriously mixed up or just lying.  I just don't know what to believe anymore. I want to wave a magic wand and be with her again.

[Warcleods]

You're making this too much about her and ignoring how it's actually making you feel.  You're not feeling empathetic in this situation, you're setting aside your values to preserve the addiction.  She acted, not you.  Sane people don't OD to gain sympathy, they confront the mistake, come to terms with it, learn from it and move on.

Your sense of trust with this person has been shattered.  Accept it for what it is.  She acts impulsively and irresponsibly, again, accept it for what it is.  Your feelings and boundaries are being pushed and are on the fence to accommodate the actions of someone else.  :)on't do it or you'll soon be making concessions to your values which will make you become a push over.  Rational people respect boundaries set by those close to them and if they disagree with those boundaries then they have a conversation and come to a consensus with their partners.  Yes we are all prone to making mistakes, however, take a step back and look at her logic and means to justify her actions... .they're irrational because she is.  :)on't get yourself hooked on this garbage, I had to learn the hard way.

[jhkbuzz]

You're making this too much about her and ignoring how it's actually making you feel.  You're not feeling empathetic in this situation, you're setting aside your values to preserve the addiction.  She acted, not you.

Your sense of trust with this person has been shattered.  Accept it for what it is.  She acts impulsively and irresponsibly, again, accept it for what it is.  Your feelings and boundaries are being pushed and are on the fence to accommodate the actions of someone else.  :)on't do it or you'll soon be making concessions to your values which will make you essentially become a push over.  Rational people respect boundaries set by those close to them and if they disagree with those boundaries then they have a conversation and come to a consensus with their partners.  Yes we are all prone to making mistakes, however, take a step back and look at her logic and means to justify her actions... .they're irrational because she is.  :)on't get yourself hooked on this garbage, I had to learn the hard way.

This^^^

I went through an experience similar to yours, butters, and I'm sorry - it's devastating. At the first infidelity I thought long and hard about whether or not is was a "human mistake" (we were having r/s issues) or whether it represented a fatal type of character flaw. Based on the information I had at the time, I decided it was a mistake - and forgave her. A year later she did it again - and the r/s ended.

Understand that if she really does suffer from BPD - a serious mental health disorder - that there's a very good chance that future infidelities will happen as well. Can you live with that?

[butters]

Spot on with my internal dialogue... .is it a human mistake or character flaw? I'm trying to convince myself to give her one last chance even though I'm pretty sure this wasn't a human mistake, this was going to happen.

She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but she has a lot of similarities... .fear of abandonment, a string of relationships that have been marred by infidelity, impulsive self destructing behaviour... .

Met her while she was in a relationship with someone else. She left him for me. Trust was difficult at the start, which i felt she continued to break throughout our time together.

And looking through these messageboards I can see so many stories resonating with me with regards to her behaviour.

I thought i had some sort of closure last night. Explaining how she done everything as a test to prove that I would forgive her if i loved her enough... .it almost made sense in a sabotaged way. Saying how she wanted to break up but couldn't do it the normal way, was easier to make me dump her... .even though she now wants me back.

Maybe she is just trying to justify her actions... .when in reality, there is no justification.

[Warcleods]

You're absolutely correct.  There are no justifications.  "Most" people enter romantic relationships with the assumption that it is monogamous.  Unless both you agreed that the relationship was open, then my initial point stands.  I personally don't have any tolerance for people that want to have more than 1 romantic partner.  To each his/her own though, if 2 people are fulfilled, happy and content in that type of relationship, good for them.  The majority of people are not and you clearly are not. 

The right decisions are usually the most difficult ones to make.  Separate your logic in this circumstance and really allow yourself to feel how this situation has affected you.  Your instincts will never lie to you and if they're telling you that it doesn't feel right, then you know what you need to do. 

[Oncebitten]

butters

she may be undiagnosed but if what you read on these boards sounds all to familiar you have a good idea of what you are dealing with. 

It may have all been a test, a very twisted test
Which all women sh*t their men its in their nature.  pwBPD though tend to take it to the extreme.  No matter how many tests you pass, there will always be another.  And their difficulty will continue to increase, in the end she wants you to fail, its part of that self destructive behavior pattern. And unfortunately the closer you get the worse she will likey become.

I am not saying that you cant make it work with her. It requires strong boundaries and a willingness to walk if she violates them.  Just be mindful, a relationship with a pwBPD is not for the faint of heart.