How Can People Stay With Them So Long?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I see a lot of posts on here regarding long-term relationships with them. I was only with mine two years and I am in complete disarray. Just a shell of my former self from all the judgement, criticism, chaos, explosive raging anger, push-pull, blame for everything and lack of compassion and selfishness. How did some of you stay with them for so long?

[Duped 1]

I see a lot of posts on here regarding long-term relationships with them. I was only with mine two years and I am in complete disarray. Just a shell of my former self from all the judgement, criticism, chaos, explosive raging anger, push-pull, blame for everything and lack of compassion and selfishness. How did some of you stay with them for so long?

[jonmnemonic]

The first time I stayed because I didn't know any better, had poor boundaries and am a fixer.  Once I found out what the real deal was I split but was h-o-o-v-e-r-e-d back in.  The second time I stayed because I felt it my moral responsibility to do everything I could to make the marriage work.  In the end sticking to my boundaries made me seem less interesting to her and she pushed me all the way out the door.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Duped-

I see a lot of posts on here regarding long-term relationships with them. I was only with mine two years and I am in complete disarray. Just a shell of my former self from all the judgement, criticism, chaos, explosive raging anger, push-pull, blame for everything and lack of compassion and selfishness. How did some of you stay with them for so long?

There isn't really a "them", just traits of a disorder that causes behaviors that are similar enough to bring us all together here, although everyone's different.  I'm sorry you went through those things in that two years, we can all relate.  How is your detachment going?

[DazedandConfus3d]

Why do people keep using drugs and booze long after its any fun for them? 

Habits of behavior do funny things in they neurophysical environment of the brain- an addiction is actually the brain's learning and reward system malfunctioning- eventually the only meaningful reward the brain recognizes is this one thing- drugs, booze, gambling, or perhaps this very intense relationship... .

[IamGrey]

Addiction and co-dependency I guess. Kids can be a huge factor.
I've yet to see a single happy ever after though, and I've searched high and wide.
If you're emotionally healthy/independent you just don't stay with these toxic freaks, period.

[CooperD]

For me it was the believe that things would eventually get better and she would finally realise how much I loved her.  Once this happened she would then start to treat me with respect and we would go back to what we were.  If I gave her what she wanted it would all work out.

I see how flawed that thinking was now thanks to some of the articles I have read and that she had already devaluded me and split me black.

We had survived 3+ years in a long distance relationship (spending a fortune on transatlantic travel etc) and then after we got married/got our VISA/got our home I really thought she would see how much she meant to me.  She really didnt.

The year after our marriage was and has been the worst of my entire life - her words/actions towards me got far worse.  I was pushed to the point of either wanting to pack a suitcase and disappear with no trace or taking my own life.

I just wish I had listened to the advice of others and got out as deep down I knew it was fundamentally broken.

[Pretty Woman]

Boundaries. 

My ex and I never lived together. She dumped me so frequently I couldn't imagine it.  In the middle of our relationship, I started a shopping addiction as an escape.  I still go to TJ Maxx sometimes just to decompress, walk around and look at things. 

I have to admit, I am not completely well. This relationship changed me and it's been a real struggle to get pre-BPD ex back.  I struggle with the replacement portion even though we were a ___ show together. I tried to make it work but looking back, I had nothing in common with her... .my interests were hers (mirroring). 

You start to see things clearer when there is a replacement.  My ex has regressed further with this woman. She dresses in Walt Disney gear and they travel to amusement parks. Both are in their mid 40's.

I knew my replacement.  I welcomed her into a public social group I run. We went for drinks before my ex left me for her and she told me how she was struggling over her ex leaving her for another woman.  It had been three years and she was still struggling.  We were very similar and she proceeded to tell me she was even thinking of going back to men.

Two weeks later she was with my ex and now a year laser they live together with my former dog. Life is funny.  I have spoke to neither in close to two years.

The day my ex dumped me the lock were changed as I was leaving. She had changed the locks many times during our relationship.  I know none of this is normal. 

A part of me thinks we lasted 3yrs because we never lived together but maybe I'm wrong? Who knows. I'm very removed from both of them and grateful she did finally move (she was living less than a mile from me).

It's hard not obsessing over the replacement sometimes but then I think about how distraught I was back then and I realized I have the better deal.

[IamGrey]

For me it was the believe that things would eventually get better and she would finally realise how much I loved her.  Once this happened she would then start to treat me with respect and we would go back to what we were.  If I gave her what she wanted it would all work out.

I see how flawed that thinking was now thanks to some of the articles I have read and that she had already devaluded me and split me black.

We had survived 3+ years in a long distance relationship (spending a fortune on transatlantic travel etc) and then after we got married/got our VISA/got our home I really thought she would see how much she meant to me.  She really didnt.

The year after our marriage was and has been the worst of my entire life - her words/actions towards me got far worse.  I was pushed to the point of either wanting to pack a suitcase and disappear with no trace or taking my own life.

I just wish I had listened to the advice of others and got out as deep down I knew it was fundamentally broken.

That's like gazing into a crystal ball of how my future would have been if I had ignored my gut feelings and caved in to her constant demands to get married and live together. We too were LDR.
I felt guilt like none other post B/U because of my reluctance to give her what she wanted. But that was before I knew about BPD.

I've since read this same story again and again on BPD boards, that the nightmare truly begins when you relent, get married and/or live together.

I'm only sorry that you and so many others had to experience and learn from this the hard way.

[myDisplayName]

Kids. My kids were two young.

I was manipulated. The BPD made me feel guilty of everything. I was totally confused.

A few year ago, I ended up in the ER with a high blood pressure peak. While physicians were making me blood tests, analysis, X-rays, connecting me to trauma medical devices, etc... ., I promised myself to change my life. I needed to take Clonazepam daily for more than a year.

I started therapist. I made the changes that I needed to. I saw all stuff that I was not seeing.

Many people (therapists, lawyers, friends, family members. etc.) didn't believe my story at first. For some people, it is hard to understand how a person can stay so long with a BPD. The non-BPD needs to make changes in his/her life. For some reason, he/she started a relationship with a BPD.

Now, I am splitting.

[michel71]

My answer is exactly the same as CooperD. Almost word for word. The difference is that I spent a little over two years living with my wife. It was hell from the start. It started with an argument at the airport as we were flying to the US. She stayed mad on the plane ride. As we were landing, I took her hand in mine and said "I know you have been upset but this is the moment we have been waiting for, to finally be together. She looked at me, took her hand aways and said "you disgust me".
And it never got any better from that point forward.
Like CooperD, the long distance back and forth, all the money that was spent, now all for nothing. No savings. Two years of abuse. Marriage ending and now having to start all over again... .at age 53.

[Woods77]

My answer is exactly the same as CooperD. Almost word for word. The difference is that I spent a little over two years living with my wife. It was hell from the start. It started with an argument at the airport as we were flying to the US. She stayed mad on the plane ride. As we were landing, I took her hand in mine and said "I know you have been upset but this is the moment we have been waiting for, to finally be together. She looked at me, took her hand aways and said "you disgust me".
And it never got any better from that point forward.
Like CooperD, the long distance back and forth, all the money that was spent, now all for nothing. No savings. Two years of abuse. Marriage ending and now having to start all over again... .at age 53.

I can fully understand this story. I lived with my ex for 2 years and youd try to make a 'ok lets forget that and move on" and youd get a load of madness. I remember being shouted at in a coffee shop "I hate you" for buying us coffee and misunderstanding about how close an appointment was. She then left me at the train station and went off alone. She also asked me for £3000 then first time I tried to break up with her, which was strange. I kept trying... .

I kept thinking oh its because of that, oh its because of this... nearly got married, but it felt wrong. I was thinking this is wrong whilst she was picking a ring. Finally we moved into a bigger place, and it all went even more wrong. 1 year later we found out she had BPD, after a year of trying to get her help, within 2-3 sessions of getting help she had nearly had an affair (phoning, getting made up and nearly moving to other end of country) and Id had enough.

Since then Ive slipped into a massive depression, suicidal thoughts myself, now on anti - depressants and lost my savings, Rebuilding my life, starting again.

Good luck to everyone. Its a huge loss to end it for me, I guess for many others. I personally feel worse now than ever. Even when she was causing constant drama every minute of the day I felt better than I do now. I guess you can hide your feelings and pretend but in the end it destroys you and you have to start again... .

[lovenature]

Everyone's situation is unique, sure we all have very similar experiences with our PWBPD, but you must always look at the overall (entire) picture. What else is happening in your life during your relationship has a significant effect on how you are able to function, and of course how severe the PWBPD's traits are.

[valet]

Here's a good analogy.

A piano that has had it's buttons pressed with a firmer touch for a long time requires a pianist that can deliver that touch and still be able to hit all of the notes.

This goes both ways, for our pwBPD and ourselves. But a piano can be restored and tuned. And so can we.

Our goal here is to tune ourselves. Sure, it involves work—and usually it involves mentoring from someone skilled at the trade. But we'll end up sounding a whole lot better and be able to interface with more potential pianists.