I let something slide and I regret it

[jrharvey]

Im not beating myself up but I do regret not saying something last night. I let something slide to keep the peace. I realize today that was a bad decision.

Last night she was taking a shower. I was in the bedroom. I decided to read some news articles. Ive been watching a lot of what Trump is going to do. A little fear and excitement . Anyways she comes out of the bathroom and in a very strong and demanding tone of voice ask "Who are you talking to"? I thought for a second about it but just said "nobody, just reading an article". She left it at that. Didn't ask anymore questions and was pretty good the rest of the night.

Ive been very very good about boundaries lately. I kinda regret not saying something last night. I cant really bring it up now. Its too late. But I know next time I need to.

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[Notwendy]

I don't see where there is a problem in what you said.

When we break our own boundaries, it is because we are being inauthentic. Had you lied to keep the peace, or agreed to do something you don't want to do to keep the peace, you would have not been true to yourself. But all you did was answer her question directly- truthfully- you were just reading articles. And look what happened- no drama.

What could have been different?

She asks " who are you talking to? " Well you were not talking to anyone. So you said the truth. Maybe you felt triggered by this question or thought it was an accusation and wanted to defend your right to talk to anyone? That would have been JADE. It would have likely created a circular discussion, drama, a blow up over the whole scene.

Not making little things into bigger things isn't letting something go on her part. It is not being tempted by drama. Avoiding drama isn't avoiding discussing big things, it's not getting worked up over the small things.

Seems like you both did well here!

[waverider]

What was your boundary you felt you let slide? Responding to a demanding tone of voice?

If so it wasn't a big slip as you didn't expand. Dont regret it, take note and use it as model to work on next time it happens.

What would like to have done differently? Ask her to rephrase the question better so you could discuss it better if she was really interested, maybe.

Do you think she meant to be aggressive towards you, or was just in that mindset for other reasons?

[Notwendy]

I see the strong and demanding voice part.

One of the laundry list items in my ACA group states "we became reactors rather than actors". That made me think of how often I choose to react emotionally to a situation. If I am reactive all the time, then that gives others a certain control. But if I want to have different choices, I can choose to ignore something or not react, or put off the reaction until later.

I get the boundary about " you will not speak to me in a loud and demanding voice" but boundaries are about us, not the other person. Someone can speak any way they want to. We can ask them to stop, but they don't have to if they don't want to. All we can do is decide what we will do about it.

You didn't give in to any demand. All you did was answer her question. What is great about this is how the situation didn't escalate. Now, you could have said something about her voice, stood up for yourself and then it might have escalated in which case you would have had to disengage to stand your boundary.

I think it is ok to pick our battles. I think this was a good example of something not escalating. I also consider the situation. Night time is a time where things tend to escalate. People are tired. Now, had she demanded you do something in that voice, you could have said "no" then upheld your boundary. But that's hard to do when tired.

[jrharvey]

I see what you are saying. I guess my boundary is... .

I do not want to be talked to that way. It makes me feel like crap and like I have to report to you like a drill sergeant. When you do talk to me in a demanding way like that I should state the truth but also let her know I do not like to be talked to like that. If she escalates I disengage because I wont continue to be put in situations where I am made to feel bad when I am doing nothing wrong. I honestly would rather have told her I don't like it then have her rage at me while I stay in the living room and watch TV. I would rather be alone and have my self respect than be talked to like that with no respect and sleep on it knowing I didn't have the guts to say anything.

Its a big deal to me because several times a day she constantly says something even if I just check the time on my phone. She is constantly asking me if any girls are texting me, if I have gotten any emails, If I am hiding anything from her. About once a week she gets triggered and spends an hour or two telling me all about her feelings of how I could be doing all kinds of things on my phone. Sometimes I just want to hit the mute button. I don't feel like hearing it and I think its natural to want peace.

I just feel like what I did slipped back into walking on eggshells. I encouraged bad behavior by giving her what she wanted. She acted out to get something. She got what she wanted and now she feels free to continue.

That's just my thought.

[Grey Kitty]

  When you find yourself feeling pissed like this, this really is a hint that you are letting something slide that you really shouldn't. That said, I'm not sure you are looking in quite the right place... .

in a very strong and demanding tone of voice ask "Who are you talking to"? I thought for a second about it but just said "nobody, just reading an article". She left it at that.

Demanding, provocative question => honest, informative and not emotionally charged answer.

You handled it well! Don't see anything I'd suggest you change either!

About once a week she gets triggered and spends an hour or two telling me all about her feelings of how I could be doing all kinds of things on my phone. Sometimes I just want to hit the mute button. I don't feel like hearing it and I think its natural to want peace.

Same as above, followed by... ."an hour or two telling you all about her feelings" => Boundary enforcement. Time to remove yourself from that!

You don't need to do anything to enforce the boundary on asking a question like the one above, because one question isn't itself harmful. Yes, you do *know* that one question can lead farther... .but the first question isn't what you need to protect yourself from.

If you stuck around for an hour of tirade about it, especially if you felt attacked the whole time, you do need to enforce a boundary better there.

Its a big deal to me because several times a day she constantly says something even if I just check the time on my phone. She is constantly asking me if any girls are texting me, if I have gotten any emails, If I am hiding anything from her.

This is bugging you. Consider changing the game here, and enforcing a new boundary. (Note: I'm assuming that despite her suspicions, you haven't cheated in the past; I don't know your entire story 'tho.)

You have a right to have a life. One with private (from her) conversations and connections with friends and family. Due to her insecurity, she demanded that you give this up, and you did. You and she have the precedent that she is entitled to interrogate you over any potential contact with other women.

You can tell her that you haven't cheated, you won't cheat, and that her constant interrogation is driving you bats***. And you are DONE being interrogated. Nothing good comes from it other than fights over nothing, and you are no longer going to put up with this from her any time you look at your phone. You have a right to some privacy.

Then enforce the boundary. Don't engage when she asks.

Expect a serious extinction burst... .

You will be happier on the other end if you can make it through this one.

[waverider]

The principle here is you have identified something that gets under your skin. It is better you did not react. Talk it through here and work through how you could possibly be prepared to respond consistently in future incidents.

It was best you didn't just react in the moment as you would have quickly lost control over it.

This is important with repeating niggly behaviors, as it is an attitude you are addressing rather specific incidents, as they pop up and disappear before you can react without being prepared for them

[Lockjaw]

What would be wrong with saying you won't answer her questions if she is going to speak to you that way?

Quite frankly this is one of the things that tends to get me sideways. I don't speak to people that way, and I don't like being spoken to that way.

[foodlover]

What would be wrong with saying you won't answer her questions if she is going to speak to you that way?

Quite frankly this is one of the things that tends to get me sideways. I don't speak to people that way, and I don't like being spoken to that way.

I 100% agree. I think you should say that you don't like being talked to that way. Honestly my GF talks to me like this and I try to tell her every single time that she shouldn't talk to me this way. And every single time she gets defensive, rages, blames me, gets silent, gets loud, throws things, calms down, becomes loving, goes to sleep. Then the cycle starts all over again.

[Lockjaw]

If I don't engage her, I am ignoring her to hurt her and punish her.

I am telling ya, these folks have more ways to guilt you that a politician.

[waverider]

If I don't engage her, I am ignoring her to hurt her and punish her.

I am telling ya, these folks have more ways to guilt you that a politician.

It is still your choice as to whether you feel guilty or not. The better you understand the mechanics of the behavior, and your own part in it, the more educated your choice.

[waverider]

I 100% agree. I think you should say that you don't like being talked to that way. Honestly my GF talks to me like this and I try to tell her every single time that she shouldn't talk to me this way. And every single time she gets defensive, rages, blames me, gets silent, gets loud, throws things, calms down, becomes loving, goes to sleep. Then the cycle starts all over again.

The accusation becomes a trigger and achieves nothing in the long run?

How can you bring her attention to the behavior without making it an accusation?

[Grey Kitty]

What would be wrong with saying you won't answer her questions if she is going to speak to you that way?

And every single time she gets defensive, rages, blames me, gets silent, gets loud, throws things, calms down, becomes loving, goes to sleep.

The problem with pointing out the ugly tone of voice, or setting a boundary about not answering it is... .that it doesn't make your life easier or better. Lockjaw, I know that wasn't your answer as to what happens... .but I doubt your answer is much different!

If the response was "Sorry, that was an ugly way to say it. Let me try again... ." it would be very different.

OTOH, ignoring the initial tone, and answering in a way that is non-confrontational and maybe even validating has a different result... .at least some of the time, you get a good result.

[HopefulDad]

As long as you stay in this relationship, your whole life is going to full of episodes like this where her fears, insecurities and whatnot cause her to ask emotionally charged questions and hopefully you can diffuse them as well (and as quickly) as you did this time.  Don't mistake "I'm sick of this crap" with "she's emotionally abusing me".  I don't think she crossed the line into the latter, but it sounds like you've crossed the line into the former and need to figure out what you want to do about it, if anything.

[Lockjaw]

What I wouldn't give for her to have eyes that see, and ears that hear.

[Notwendy]

Although you don't like the way she speaks to you, there are different ways to diminish unwanted behavior. Not paying attention/ignoring is one way. Reacting sometimes doesn't work as well because it in a sense reinforces the behavior by paying attention to it.


We've seen this in children. Sometimes kids will act up to get their parents' attention even if it is in a negative way. Parents are advised to ignore whining and temper tantrums ( if nobody is being hurt by them).


Drama and conflict have an addictive quality. Also, in a conflicted relationship- arguing becomes a way of interacting. So, if she accuses you of cheating and you react, the reaction is engaging her of some sorts.

We have to be careful not to sell ourselves short and give in as a form of enabling. But choosing not to react is different from giving in.

Also we have to check our own interpretation of the tone of someone's voice. My H is very reactive to any tone of anxiety or fear in mine- whether or not it has anything to do with him. Also, I have a quiet voice and if he doesn't hear me the first time, I speak louder. Then he replies " don't raise your voice at me". He has misinterpreted requests as "ordering him around" when they aren't. While you may not misinterpret things to this extent, it helps to keep in mind that we don't know all the time what someone is thinking. Your wife - if she is worried to see you on your phone- may be anxious at the moment. It could be more about her than you.

This doesn't excuse verbal abuse. I don't think anyone should tolerate that. But I've also had to learn not to take what is said during emotional stress too personally and to decide what to react to and what not to.