I guess I am the first to say ex is 100% thriving with new bf.

[SoMadSoSad]

In every aspect of her life she is thriving. She now has 2 good jobs when she could barely keep one with me. I can see her transitioning to becoming more healthy and self aware. Apologized to me and stated i am not a bad person. Her unhealthy behavior seems to have gone into remission. I dont think she is doing therapy but i guess those around her are shaping her into a healthy beautiful young woman that i knew she could be. Now with all this info i am forced to believe that she may not be BPD but maybe just immature. The downside to this is that i now look at myself as provoking trigerring emotions within my ex. I now take most of the responsibility for the failure of the relationship if she is capable of having a loving healthy relationship and i cannot even get a date let alone a healthy relationship. The pain from seeing ethe woman i love become more healthier and loving for someone else is immense and i guess just something i will have to learn to live with.

[Sluggo]

When people judged my relationship with my stb ex they would thought the same thing- everything going for them.  They did think we had the best relationship and envied our family as they told me before filing divorce and now after.   They might of thought that about you guys when you were a pair also

[Kelli Cornett]

You never know what other people are capable of. Exsp BPD's.

They hide their good parts and show off their bad parts. They like to live through their shadow side. They highly identity with that.


That's why when they realize this and change it and want to be vulnerable for once, you see a whole other person.


It is sad they chose to explore this part without you and someone else. Exsp after how much you invested into it.


But there isn't a time or clock on when someone decides to change. It just happens.


Do not kick yourself too hard. We cannot protect ourselves from what we can not predict.

[CitizenBell]

Mine seems to be too. Wondering if she has BPD as well or if she just wasn't attracted to me. It's easy to want to medicalise somebody to feel better about a break-up.

It's one year ago today since our disastrous trip abroad and her emotional breakdown over there. I wonder what it is about me that she wasn't happy with. She was so happy to finally be with me, then on the trip all she did was complain about everything and that continued when we got back. But maybe it was because she realised in those 10 days she didn't love me.

She seems to be doing absolutely fine. Maybe she just dated me because I was someone interested in her, like she said she did her ex. She couldn't wait to jump into bed with me, and then she could barely kiss me without glancing away after the trip.

[Aussie0zborn]

No you're not the first to say that at all.  Believing that is like believing all those Facebook posts inferring "I have a wonderful life".  It's not always true.

Perhaps she's learned from her mistakes but a leopard doesn't change it's spots. It's only natural to question yourself but if your ex definitely has BPD it's only a matter of time before the time bomb explodes. Until then, you will forever be wondering what you did wrong, what you could have done better, etc. these are all difficult questions to answer as you are not in her mind. Sometimes it's best to accept that you will never know. Chalk it up to experience and look at how you can get over this.

[Pretty Woman]

People would have thought me and my ex were blissfully happy had I not started to tell others about what she had done.  I'm not saying it's right to divulge all the crap in your relationship but once I found "safe" friends who knew we'd were together (for a life my time I was closeted and isolated) when she did cruelty discard me and immediately integrate her new gf into my social circle that didn't happen.

The worst feeling was a day after she dumped me I left on a trip to Mexico. She was supposed to be with me. While in Mexico she took her new gf to a going away party for some of our friends. People hadn't even known we broke up it was that fast.

She's celebrating her 2nd holiday with her girlfriend this year. Every holiday I lay broken and devastated because she dumped me.

Yes, it sucks but I know the more attached this woman becomes the harder she will fall when my ex turns on her. The things she did to me were not normal. I don't see that changing, she screwed over ALL her exes.

BPDs rewrite history to benefit them. 

[SummerStorm]

A few months ago, my BPD friend's mom was convinced that she was turning a corner, that she was "maturing" (Mom doesn't accept that she has BPD and thinks she will just grow out of it).  I kept telling her that she wasn't.  She said to me, "Well, she doesn't show you everything.  She lets me see all sides of her."  So, I just let it go and waited for her to show her true colors.  A month later, her mom said to me, "I really thought she was changing, but she wasn't."  The truth is, she doesn't show all parts of herself to anyone, whether it be friend, lover, or family member.  What her mom wasn't seeing was her Snapchat stories, where she was out getting drunk, where she was showing off her cleavage for everyone to see, where she was making fun of her boyfriend and demeaning him, etc. 

At one point, she did have me convinced that she was going to make it work with the guy she had been dating for several months, but it ended not long after that.  The point is, they have a great ability to convince others that their life is going very well, even when it isn't. 

[steelwork]

Now with all this info i am forced to believe that she may not be BPD but maybe just immature. The downside to this is that i now look at myself as provoking trigerring emotions within my ex. I now take most of the responsibility for the failure of the relationship if she is capable of having a loving healthy relationship and i cannot even get a date let alone a healthy relationship.

SMSS--I can see how you would end up making those connections, but I want to point out that they aren't inevitable.

Maybe she was just immature, as you're considering, and you triggered her. So... .she was triggered, because she was immature. That's not your fault. Maybe you did things wrong, as one does. Maybe you were immature in some ways. You can change that. Maybe she is having a healthy relationship now. Maybe you're still in a place of self-reflection and healing, and you're not ready for a relationship. That doesn't mean it won't happen.

All of this... .maybe.

The thing is, I see you looking at it as a zero-sum game. To the extent that it wasn't her "fault" it's your "fault"... .but maybe the two of you met at the wrong time, or you had different needs. Or maybe she's on an up-swing and it won't last. Or maybe things are not as great as they seem. It seems like a positive thing to reflect and ask questions about how you might have contributed to the problems in your relationship, but not to take her (apparent) progress as a measure of your failings.

Heck, maybe you made her a better person.

[caughtnreleased]

I think it's possible for someone with BPD to see improvements... .but improvements are never black and white. It's not possible to be all black with one partner and all white with another... .So if you are seeing such extremes there's is probably a bit of falseness to it... .but perhaps there is also some truth to it.  Normally improvements happen in two steps forward one step back, or even one step forward two steps back, but once a person has made a step forward it gets easier for them to make the next step forward... .Having dealt with a mother who has BPD I would say that with my own changes in behaviours I have seen enormous changes in her. However, my behaviour has changed as a result of extreme and deep pain which I could no longer bear. I have been working for four years on this. And it took sustained and continual work. But I am seeing results today. I was extremely discouraged when I would see that the relationship at times was so bad we were not on speaking terms, or how she persisted with her mean words.  I couldn't understand. After two years of therapy, meditation, mindfullness, etc I couldn't see improvements. But now I do... .it's happening somehow because I have been able to detach from her behaviour. And sometimes I think oh wow great I can finally have some kind of intimacy and be open with her, and then BAM she proves me wrong.  So in the end, while things are improving with my mother in part because I have opened up the space for that, there are many things that I still don't receive from her.  Things are not all good for your BPDex, nor all they all bad. They're somewhere in the middle. Now, what about you? I think the greatest pain when we feel that things are "going well" for our BPDs is that we think they're doing BETTER than we are. And maybe they are. The only way to change that is to do BETTER for ourselves. Find what it is that you love. Work on yourself. Build yourself relationships that are healthy and supportive. Be the kind loving partner that you wish you could be. Be better than you or your ex could ever have imagined yourself to be. You have that power. And forget about appearances. If you achieve deep love with people around you, you don't need to tweet about it, or whatever. If you are fulfilled in your relationships the only thing you will wish for your ex is that they too find fulfillment. It is what I wish for mine. I miss him still but if I knew that he truly was making improvements in his life and in a fulfilling relationship I would be ok, I would be happy because I would also think that he wouldn't feel the need to send pain my way anymore. I don't check in on him through social media because there is so much lying going on there and it's impossible to know. It is impossible, with people with BPD especially. I once reached out to him when it looked like he was really doing OK and I was excited, because maybe he was really doing ok. When I met with him it was a bit of a different story.  Things hadn't changed much and he sent some poison arrows my way. I was sad because I had thought he was doing so much better. But in my opinion if someone is truly content and doing well they don't need to cause pain to others. He was so far away from that point. He was still in a dysfunctional and controlling relationship.

[steelwork]

Another thought:

I don't know how my ex is doing with the woman he took up with. I don't even know if they're still together. I think about it way more than I should, and I ask myself, What would it mean if they were in fact happy, if he were thriving with her?

And here's what I've decided: it would mean we weren't right for each other. That's pretty much all I can conclude. Because he told me he felt like "a different person" when he got together with her. And she is really not like me in a number of ways. So if he's happy with her, I guess that means this "new person" is a comfortable person for him to be, and that's not who I loved.

[hotncold]

Because he told me he felt like "a different person" when he got together with her.

I have a feeling that this is a common thread with people with BPD. They need to blame us 100% for everything that went wrong. So when they meet someone else, everything has to go great... .which is still part of the narrative that "we" were the problem. My ex always tells me he's changed. I don't really see true changes though. Superficial ones - like changes in interests, in friends, in jobs... .but no fundamental changes that would make him someone capable of having loving and respectful relationships. The day I can interact with him without having poison arrows headed my way, where he doesn't pull out all the stops to make me feel worthless, will be the day that he will have truly changed.

[caughtnreleased]

Maybe another thing to think about is that our ex's, in order to justify leaving, need to make the relationships they had with us as being all bad. All I can say to everyone who has experienced this and been dismissed is know your worth. Don't let the BPDex define the relationship. Perhaps for you it was special. It was unique. It was one of a kind. Yes maybe it was. And then think... .your BPDex threw it out. Detaching can also mean accepting that YOU valued what you had with that person. Accept that what you had was important to you. Don't let the other person define it otherwise. They throw out meaningful and loving relationships. That is their choice and they will have to live with it (or run from it). Let them. But be sure to value the meaningful and loving relationships in your own lives.

[IamGrey]

Our B/U was relatively amicable. Yes of course I was solely to blame for it in her words, but she said I'd always be in her heart and soul and she would forever treasure the 'beautiful' memories we shared.
Naturally, her actions were different, as the very next day she aggressively flaunted my replacement.
I'm just worried that this 'cordial' breakup might pave the way for future charming by her.

[caughtnreleased]

Our B/U was relatively amicable. Yes of course I was solely to blame for it in her words, but she said I'd always be in her heart and soul and she would forever treasure the 'beautiful' memories we shared.
Naturally, her actions were different, as the very next day she aggressively flaunted my replacement.
I'm just worried that this 'cordial' breakup might pave the way for future charming by her.

It seems like you know your ex well. It does sound like future charming for when things don't work out with the replacement. Perhaps its time for you to touch a heart and soul that has some more depth, and create new "beautiful" memories elsewhere

[IamGrey]

Absolutely, but all in good time. I'm quite content with the drama free single life at the moment

[Herodias]

Maybe... .maybe not. You know what you went through and you know when it started. They are all different and their new partners are different than us. I felt the same way... He threw it in my face that she was a better match for a few reasons... It's just not so. They always start out better behaved in a new relationship. If they didn't who would stay?  People who are character flawed tend to try and make it look like it was the previous partners fault and they are so much better off now. Don't be deceived. The true nature of the disorder will arise eventually. I know we all played a role in how our relationships went. Learn what you can about what you need to do to change your own habits. Just don't believe it was all your fault... .it just isn't so.

[Curiously1]

Another thought:

I don't know how my ex is doing with the woman he took up with. I don't even know if they're still together. I think about it way more than I should, and I ask myself, What would it mean if they were in fact happy, if he were thriving with her?

And here's what I've decided: it would mean we weren't right for each other. That's pretty much all I can conclude. Because he told me he felt like "a different person" when he got together with her. And she is really not like me in a number of ways. So if he's happy with her, I guess that means this "new person" is a comfortable person for him to be, and that's not who I loved.

And it never ever ends if you continue to think about them and their happiness. My exBPDgf went back and forth with me and my replacement/her friend and I recently found the replacement on a dating site looking for love. I assumed it would have worked out for them, even unhealthily so because the replacement at least did everything my exBPDgf said or wanted and had complete control. I thought that was her way of feeling safe but nah, of course not. Nothing is stable if it is with a BPD. I thought she woud always be the fallback replacement. I do not know if my exBPDgf dumped her as a gf or a friend and or if my exBPDgf found somebody new again she really likes... .or they still remained friends after all of what my exBPDgf put her through. 

It's just best not to think about it as a failure or that you were fully responsible. BPD or not it did not work out and a relationship takes two. You gotta except that people just move onto others BPD or not whether it is a day after you break up, months after or years after. You gotta focus more on your life and not the what ifs. Cos psBPD always find a replacement and yeah , it made me think, if I were to always wonder about whether someone was better for her or if her next relationship fails, that would be a lifetimes worth of checking in on that and would also hinder your dettachment. Focus on your own happiness and the positives of life without her.