Really struggling tonight

[CooperD]

I am really struggling tonight folks,

Day 5 of no contact but today has been a nightmare.  i have just taken some sleeping tablets to try to help me sleep and am posting here to prevent myself emailing the BPD which as per earlier posts this week could lead her to contacting her lawyer / my job.

I feel such overwhelming sadness that something that should have been so wonderful turned so toxic.

My list of bad things she did to me is endless but I am so traumatised at how it has ended.

I know I have dodged a bullet providing I get out in one piece but

1)  how could she tell me she was coming for 14 days to work on us but then fly into my country /enter my parents home / smile and drink champagne and then present me with divorce documents.  Then leave and fly back to the US the next day.

2) How could she then completely just ignore me like I am dead other than email me once to threaten me and tell me "get out of my life"

For 5 years she was the centre of my life - every day we spoke and last year she made marriage vows to me.

I am heartbroken and so shell shocked by how she closed things off in such a cruel/sadistic and mean way.  I want her to know how much pain I am in and how terrible what she did is.

Im sorry to post I just want to try to say something to prevent me messaging her directly.

[hope2727]

I am sorry you are suffering so deeply. I can't imagine how you wouldn't be.

Please don't write her. It is what she is expecting. Don't give her that attention. Just write here instead.

Recovery takes time. Lots and lots of time. I am 2+ years and I just burst into tears as I miss him so much. I will not however write him. He knows right from wrong. He chooses wrong. The end.

[JerryRG]

I can understand your heartache CooperD

It's like these people know how to hurt us in the deepest most awful way imaginable.

It took so long for me to understand and accept that someone I loved so much could lash out at me for no reason and cut me so deep.

One day I finally realized, only a person who is so truly injured, sick, unhappy and tormented could do those things.

Your ex behaves in ways that are simply horrific and disgusting, she has to feel this way about herself on some level to act this way.

Recovery does take time, these people are real, the damage is real. All of us here understand and we all heal at different rates of time.

Try to be good to yourself, you loved someone who hates themselves, no one who truly loves themselves could act this way.

[jo19854]

Cooper, let me say first i am very sorry for what happened to you.
Ive read your posts and i can 200% relate to you.
I am from Holland and wife from USA. I am also dealing with the most cruel way of being treated.
We got married over here after knowing eachother almost 9 years. 2 years later i come home from work and i found a note. She was already gone. No explanation, no reason give. She thanked me "for everything", thats all she wrote. She took a plane and Ive never heard from her ever again.
My story is too long, in case your interested you better read my profile.
It's almost 3 years now since she's gone and i suffer every day. I think in my situation it's also because of the fact i never got any reply to any of my questions. Was it me, was it her... .Why leaving... .Why this way.
So why this reply?
Just to tell you that it's normal to have this reaction. It's grieve beyond bereavement in combination with a blow from beying treated like sh... .from the one you love and cared for.
That toxic mix is the most difficult thing to explain to others and our brain cannot process this.
The fact she delivered papers is information you should use, how hard it is... .at least you have a reaction... .an attitude to deal with. Me too, i have to deal with the fact someone let's me drop dead.

We are grieving a loss, a loss of a future we had in mind, a loss of a past from wich we believed was real. We dont even know what was real or not.
Take your time, dont pressure yourself to feel good again. If it comes... it comes.
We on this board are here for you

Jo

[elfyguy]

I want her to know how much pain I am in and how terrible what she did is.

Hey CooperD,

I was with my PBDex for 6 years. The amount of energy I put into her and the amount of abuse I took is relatable to all here. When she decided it was time to move on, I was in so much pain. I sent her these pathetic messages. A few months ago, I sent her 2 emails, she replied to the first; she was cold, condescending, blaming, angry, yada yada yada. I can still remember the amount of emotional suffering I endured; I didn't eat, was walking in circles, crying, blaming myself and I could physically feel the emotional pain manifest.

I was going through the 5 stages of grief, and you need too as well. You are grieving the death of the relationship and by you letting her know you're in pain, you're showing that you're still in the denial and negotiation stage. The suffering will be great, but in the end we grow up emotionally - they don't. We become fuller human beings - just don't distract yourself too much. Oh, and therapy is a good thing.

Good luck my friend. you can do it!

[Aussie0zborn]

I want her to know how much pain I am in and how terrible what she did is.

I know how you feel but I would suggest that she SHOULD NOT know how much pain you're in. She planned that perfectly, did everything as she had envisaged to leave you in great pain without any closure and derived great pleasure from it. Know that is was intentional and that you will get NO closure from her.  

Telling her how much pain you're in will only satisfy her sadistic pleasures. As you say, you dodged a bullet and any further contact will only put you in the line of the next bullet. Whatever you do, don't give her the pleasure.  To do so would only be adding fuel to the fire that burns you.

Try looking at ways to detach and take stock. I got no closure from her which was somewhat traumatic in itself until I found this discussion forum. I got closure myself once I fully understood what I had been up against and you can do it too. Just hang in there. [/quote]

[CooperD]

Hi Jo,

Thank you for your comment on my post and your kind words of support.

I have just read the background to your own story and am so so sorry at what you have experienced.  Heartbreaking to read all you went through and did for her for you to then be left like that.

As non-sufferers it is the incomprehensibilty that someone can just leave in such a way with seemingly no care or regard to what that does to your life.  For example my partner experienced abandonment as a child (her dad was sent to prison and deported from the US) and she spent years telling me about her abandonment issues.  Yet knowing how much that hurts she has done the exact same thing to me with a cruel and sadistic edge to it.

I know I have to move on with my life as I know being with her will cost me my own health and came close to costing me my life (as I was experiencing suicidal thoughts due to her making me feel worthless).  i hope you do recover my friend and find your happiness again.

'Aussie' & 'Elfy' thank you as I know your both 100% right with grieving this and making myself stronger.

Aussie yeah you hit the nail on the head - she deliberately planned how to end things in the way she did to inflict the maximum pain and damge on me.  Like she wanted to hurt me as much as she could - as to book flights for a one day round trip between the US/UK - to have her work book her a hotel for the night - to have the divorce papers all resdy to present  etc required a lot of malice and organisation on her part.  She stitched me up very very well.  If I had no career to worry about I would message everyone of her friends on facebook with the list of the things she did to me / the pictures of the physical abuse and the recordings of her threatening me with rape allegations.  Instead she is able to present herself as the sweet little victim.

Im not going to do that as I know as you say it is just pouring fuel on a fire that will burn me.

[lovenature]

Hey Coop, remember that BPD is a very serious mental illness; she makes up her own reality to fit her current emotion of the moment, this is how she did what she did.

Allow yourself to go through what you need to, it is normal and necessary, and of course extremely painful. Try to look after yourself.