Need to leave, but struggling with what is best for our son

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all, my first post driven from pure desperation.  I have been married to a PD wife for 6 years now and in a relationship for 9 years.  We have a beautiful 21 month old boy.  I discovered she was having an affair 3 months ago and as you can imagine it has been a roller coaster. Of course I tell myself I would be gone were it not for our son, but the multiple opportunities I had to leave over the last 9 years and didn't make me fear that I will be pulled back in. 

I didn't realize the extent of the disease until just recently. I always felt this was something that could be managed or improved.  We are in couples therapy and as some of you might expect it is not going well.

Last weekend she tried breaking down a door I had locked myself behind after she become aggressive during an argument. She was screaming and kicking the door as I begged her to calm down and be quiet for our sons sake. I did not call the police for 2 reasons:  1. I'm not confident they wouldn't have taken me (the bias toward the man being at issue) and 2. What she would do if the police showed up.

I know I need to end this but am hesitating for 1.  Our son, he loves mommy and I'm so worried how this may affect him, I am firm that we co-parent, so sole custody from me is not an option (she has never shown this behavior directly at him, only me and others).  If she did of course I would go for sole custody.   2.  I have no idea what she is capable to prevent the marriage from ending.

Open to advice from those that have been in similar situations.

[Riess2015]

Hello all, my first post driven from pure desperation.  I have been married to a PD wife for 6 years now and in a relationship for 9 years.  We have a beautiful 21 month old boy.  I discovered she was having an affair 3 months ago and as you can imagine it has been a roller coaster. Of course I tell myself I would be gone were it not for our son, but the multiple opportunities I had to leave over the last 9 years and didn't make me fear that I will be pulled back in. 

I didn't realize the extent of the disease until just recently. I always felt this was something that could be managed or improved.  We are in couples therapy and as some of you might expect it is not going well.

Last weekend she tried breaking down a door I had locked myself behind after she become aggressive during an argument. She was screaming and kicking the door as I begged her to calm down and be quiet for our sons sake. I did not call the police for 2 reasons:  1. I'm not confident they wouldn't have taken me (the bias toward the man being at issue) and 2. What she would do if the police showed up.

I know I need to end this but am hesitating for 1.  Our son, he loves mommy and I'm so worried how this may affect him, I am firm that we co-parent, so sole custody from me is not an option (she has never shown this behavior directly at him, only me and others).  If she did of course I would go for sole custody.   2.  I have no idea what she is capable to prevent the marriage from ending.

Open to advice from those that have been in similar situations.

[Mutt]

Hi Riess2015,

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to.hear that you're going through this. I can relate with that feeling of desperation and hopelessness. You're not alone.

2.  I have no idea what she is capable to prevent the marriage from ending.

An affair is grounds for divorce. I understand that you can rebuild trust and repair the marriage on counseling through hard work and but both people have to be commitment to it and the person that had the affair has to be feel some sort of remorse about their actions. It's a personal choice, but if it's against your morals and values, you have a right to dissolve the marriage.

It may sound pretty simple but a deal breaker for me was an affair, how am I suppose to trust my partner after something like that? It telegraphed that her values were different and she didn't value the marriage as much as I did. That being said, I wanted a divorce.

Are you seeing a T?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Reiss, Welcome!  My BPDxW broke down a door when I locked it to protect myself from her rage, so I understand what you are talking about!  My Ex also punched a hole in the wall and smashed my personal items, so I've been in your shoes.  We had two young kids at the time and I definitely stayed out of loyalty to them.  Uncertain whether that was helpful, because it just postponed the pain and set what I regard as an unhealthy example of the kids in terms of remaining in an abusive situation.  Your hesitation is normal and it seems like you are a thoughtful person.  We can't tell you what to do.  Suggest you continue to listen to your gut feelings and try to figure out the right path for you.

LuckyJim

[Riess2015]

Thanks Lucky Jim, if I may ask what was the breaking point that caused you to end vs stay or was it a matter of the kids being old enough?

[Riess2015]

Hi Riess2015,

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to.hear that you're going through this. I can relate with that feeling of desperation and hopelessness. You're not alone.

An affair is grounds for divorce. I understand that you can rebuild trust and repair the marriage on counseling through hard work and but both people have to be commitment to it and the person that had the affair has to be feel some sort of remorse about their actions. It's a personal choice, but if it's against your morals and values, you have a right to dissolve the marriage.

It may sound pretty simple but a deal breaker for me was an affair, how am I suppose to trust my partner after something like that? It telegraphed that her values were different and she didn't value the marriage as much as I did. That being said, I wanted a divorce.

Are you seeing a T?

Thanks and yes, I am seeing a therapist independently of my wife and my couples therapist. It is helping me understand better what is going on. For years I felt like she perceived the world the same way I did. I was completely unfamiliar with the cycle of abuse and clearly didn't recognize it for what it was. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Reiss,  I don't recommend this approach, but I ran myself into the ground until I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, emotionally, physically and financially.  The breaking point came when my brother and two kind college friends conducted an intervention on me; without their help, I lacked the strength to leave.  Needless to say, I stayed way beyond what was healthy for me, which was honestly no help to me or my kids (or my BPDxW, for that matter).  So I'm a poor example of how to go about it, yet I learned about my own limitations and the need for boundaries to protect what I can realistically expect of myself.

LJ