I Am A Wife With Borderline Personality Disorder

[BPDWife0815]

I have been in therapy for geheralded anxiety disorder and depression for years.  I realize this site is mainly for family members affected by pepole like me, but I'm desperate for input.  My marriage of over a year is so disfunctional.  My husband and I don't communicate.  I get mad and hurt about everything.  I say horrible things to him like I hate him or wish I'd never met him.  I get so irate and take all my frustrations out on him.  It's worse when I drink alcohol and sadly, I've been drinking a lot more lately (like daily) to avoid the anxiety and sadness I feel.  I tell him I'm done and I really feel that way and after our latest fight he said he feels that way too, but when I mention divorce he says he doesn't want that.  I'm confused.  I'm in pain.  I'm exhausted.  I want a fulfilling, happy relationship with my husband, but everything sets me off.  I tried to kiss my husband earlier and he didn't recoil, but didn't respond either.  It's like all the love is totally dead and I'm sitting here crying because I blame myself and I hate him, but don't want to lose him or go through a divorce.  Help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lunira]

I have been in therapy for geheralded anxiety disorder and depression for years.  I realize this site is mainly for family members affected by pepole like me, but I'm desperate for input.  My marriage of over a year is so disfunctional.  My husband and I don't communicate.  I get mad and hurt about everything.  I say horrible things to him like I hate him or wish I'd never met him.  I get so irate and take all my frustrations out on him.  It's worse when I drink alcohol and sadly, I've been drinking a lot more lately (like daily) to avoid the anxiety and sadness I feel.  I tell him I'm done and I really feel that way and after our latest fight he said he feels that way too, but when I mention divorce he says he doesn't want that.  I'm confused.  I'm in pain.  I'm exhausted.  I want a fulfilling, happy relationship with my husband, but everything sets me off.  I tried to kiss my husband earlier and he didn't recoil, but didn't respond either.  It's like all the love is totally dead and I'm sitting here crying because I blame myself and I hate him, but don't want to lose him or go through a divorce.  Help!

Sometimes, it's hard to get to the bottom of how you feel, especially when your inner fire is intense by nature.  

Try this, maybe.  Think of several situations where your interaction with your husband left you feeling hurt, afraid, pissed off, or resentful.  Maybe there's a common thread to these situations, or a pattern to them.  Even getting a broad stroke idea of that underlying pattern could be helpful for improving things.

[Mutt]

Hi BPDWife0815,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties that you're going right now. I understand how distressing it feels when a r/s is unfulfillinn and we're unhappy. It takes courage to want to get help for ourselves. I want to say bravo  That being said, we don't have the resources here to help a pwBPD, I can give the link for resources that will help you

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/Themes/default/welcome3.html

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

[ArleighBurke]

What would I say to my BPD wife if she would listen?

I would say: be aware that feeling are fleeting - that although you FEEL such HATE at that moment, remember that later you will feel different.

I would say: try to separate HIM from YOUR FEELINGS. I completely accept that my wife feels rage. I am happy to allow her and support her feel that. But it is 1000000x harder when she points her rage at me. Try to see your husband as someone who can HELP, rather than the cause. This allows you to pull him closer when you feel bad, rather than push him away.

I would say: know your own signs. Know when you are starting to feel rage and do whatever you can to prepare. Whether that's leaving, or trying to calm yourself - I don't know.

But how can you remember these things when you are in a rage? It requires a self-awareness that may not be possible at that time. I am asking you to do something that you cannot do.

I don't know if that helps or not.

[Herodias]

From everything I have read, the best thing for your to do is get DBT therapy. If you want to get along in the meantime, I would cut out the drinking and mirror him (act like him) if you think he is a good person. Then get into the Cognitive Behavior Training with a therapist you can trust, learn what you need to do about controlling your impulses. Just because you feel it, doesn't make it true. Just make sure you are in a good relationship in the first place. If you think he is a good person, make the effort. If he is not, then work on your self esteem and get out and be happy on your own... .I know, very hard to do, but worth it. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will get your life together and have better relationships. Take care...

[bpdhusband1993]

I've been the husband of a BPD wife for 23 years.  This is advice from MY situation.  I have no idea if it would help yours.
If I could get my wife to do the following, it would mean SO much to me:
Talk openly with him about your conflicted feelings and admit to him that you know it is your issue.  Stop blaming him for everything.  Share with him some things he does that sets you off, but remind him that you know it is your issue.  Go to counselling with someone that can address your needs individually, and also bring him into sessions for marriage counselling.
When you are feeling up for it - even in the slightest, offer him sexual favors.  Do these randomly and surprise him with your sexual generosity.  Frequently and with earnest effort.  Do as much as you can, whenever you can, as lovingly as you can.  It will mean to world to him (it would to me).

[ArleighBurke]

My BPDwife said the other night that if i rubbed her feet she'd french kiss me. I was absolutely stoked! It's sad that I miss her affection that much... .

[malibu4x]

BPDwife - welcome to the boards.  I applaud you for seeking insight from this group... .  I so wish my wife would recognize that she needs help.   You have taken some huge steps.

Just after I read your post, I was reading some book reviews on Amazon and wanted to share this with you.   Came across comment of a BPD wife that had given a one star review to a book aimed and helping the non-BPD. - saying "Just want to say how upsetting this title is for someone who struggles with BPD. Ugh. Don't even care what is written inside, this made me question everything I have with my partner and if I should just leave him to spare his happiness and relieve him from taking care of me when I need him."   (I can definitely see that the title could be upsetting to a BPD person, but that is not the point.)
   
Someone took the time to respond to her.  I post the reply here.  I wish I could say this to my BPD wife, but maybe it can help you in some way to take charge for what you personally CAN do.

Reply Follows:
If the book's title dropped a bomb in your gut it may suggest your deeper self recognizes some symptoms. Although I have experienced this from your partner's perspective, there may be possibilities to exit the hell both of you live and find the person you were created to be through some very challenging and uncomfortable work. I'll guess your condition generates unbridled passion readily, but passion is not a substitute for intimacy.

Why not use the energy that self-generates misery and conflict as the very fuel from which you may heal yourself, when, or if, you are ready. The tools exist - something thousands that preceded you didn't have. It is hard, but in the end the choice is yours. Please examine what you wrote: "Ugh. Don't even care what is written inside, this made me question... .”

Please consider although you may feel nothing other than curable dysfunction -  this dysfunction you experience as yourself through the beliefs your condition have convinced you are your totality, experiencing severe anxiety and pain,  and from that, concluding you should spare your partner - this is BPD's grip on your reigns, and it seeks only its own survival, like a cancer. It wants to live. You know the train wrecks it leaves.

Its time you take charge of your own happiness by first introducing your BPD to your deeper self. Become BPD's patient parent. It is clever and will pull tricks you don't even yet know it has up its sleeve. Fine. Let it throw every curve ball it likes. You'll get smacked once in a awhile but you will quickly learn to tilt your mind in ways that put a stop to the poison it has created.

Only you can do this - with the many good books (if you can't also find a good therapist to add to your self-discovery). You don't need to spare your partner's happiness.  You don't own that and is not your possession. The person responsible to take care of yourself is you. Nobody, least of all you, owes the needs of the BPD a thing. In some ways, it is a living entity, and thus has a strong survival instinct. Only you can overcome it with your own willingness to do the dirty work when your BPD obscures every hope to continue controlling the real you. Another way to understand it is only as real as the attention it is fed.   Google "Samsaras”. The spelling may not be exact but any reference to eastern wisdom should take you there.  It is all up to you. There are worlds between the falsely manufactured needs the BPD pitches your brain and the unimaginable freedom you have the tools to reach. No one outside you can heal this. Only you. BPD needs attention to survive, and it isn't interested the survival of you, its host. I'm sure there are groups of people recovering from damage of their own BPD, so, as I'm sure you've heard - it doesn't have to be this way. BPD will be happy to lock the real you in dark solitary confinement whole your body breathes and ages. It's up to you which of your selves you want to believe.

You can survive, and exist, and continue giving BPD a host and rent-reign between your ears while hurting people around you, or you can learn to Live.  BPD will kill you without batting an eye. It is too self-absorbed to understand if your body dies, so will it. BPD is that selfish. Don't demonize it, respect its temporary perception of power, and your new journey, if you start on it, will help you master which of you is in the driver's seat of every thought. Then you might imagine James Bond Jaguar's ejection seat. Hope you get on with it. Good luck.