What is for the best HURTS SO MUCH...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all. If you read my other posts you know that my uBPDw is moving out with her daughter at the end of December. I have generally been doing pretty well and better than expected but this weekend I have been at a low. Maybe it is because of Thanksgiving next week and the fact that we are going to separate places to "celebrate". It sure didn't help that yesterday I got together with some friends to have a memorial for another friend who committed suicide last month. I drove home feeling lonely and depressed. When I was crying at my friend's memorial I was also crying for myself I must admit.
I know her moving out is for the best. I can't take it anymore and she can't either. The kid also needs to be in an environment free from arguing and strife. It will be better for everyone. Yet I will miss her, the her in her good times and good moods. I will miss her getting ready for work in the morning or coming home. I will miss her singing in the shower. I will miss watching TV with her and night and when things were good, the closeness and intimacy. And that hurts. We are going to be living apart but "seeing where the relationship goes" which, for both of us, is the unknown. I can't say as I have tremendous hope. So much destruction and lack of respect and typical of the BPD, she sees it as MOSTLY my fault.
We talked last night about some deep feelings. She said that it never felt like a marriage to her once we started living together. She said I wasn't attentive enough to her. But she was full of rage and emotionally abusive and I couldn't cope. Of course she declines that she was but she was. A few months after they moved in I reached out to some close friends via emails. They were meant to be private. I was kind of "venting" and I really didn't hold much back. I was in a desperate state and just needed some validation that I was "okay". I was starting to lose touch with myself, with reality and the up and down of her rages were weakening me. Anyway, she hacked into my cell phone and read the emails. SINCE THEN, she says, she has never felt the same and has loved me less. That was two years ago.
She said that I gave her a "rope" ( like a life line I guess) when I suggested that maybe we couldn't live together anymore due to diametrically opposed views of parenting, among other things. But in the past she would say that she wanted out or wanted a divorce just to ESCALATE an argument or maybe even use it as a shut down to me. In a fair "fight", so to speak, you match a knife with a knife; in our case, I pulled out a knife and she pulled out a bazooka. Metaphorically of course. So she would use the "divorce" word to control me. I never knew what was really going on. Eventually I believed that she DID NOT want a divorce. Now, apparently, she was looking for a way out; although just a few days ago she insisted that I WAS FORCING HER OUT, i.e. it was only I that thought we should live separate.
It just is so ... .weird... .surreal. This is going to happen. Her moving out. After all it took to get us together in one place, endless trips to the UK to visit her and then going through the spousal visa process to bring her to the US ( and her kid). UGH. All that money. All that suffering.
What a mess. What an effing mess.
So it hurts. I am hurting. I try to stay grounded in the reality of the situation and even focus on the bad times if needed to center myself. Yet dwelling on the negative has its side effects too so oftentimes I try to concentrate on how great it will be to not have to fight all the time, to have peace and tranquility in my home.
This weekend the upside is not winning over the downside. And I am sad and feeling a great sense of loss.
Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks.

[michel71]

Hi all. If you read my other posts you know that my uBPDw is moving out with her daughter at the end of December. I have generally been doing pretty well and better than expected but this weekend I have been at a low. Maybe it is because of Thanksgiving next week and the fact that we are going to separate places to "celebrate". It sure didn't help that yesterday I got together with some friends to have a memorial for another friend who committed suicide last month. I drove home feeling lonely and depressed. When I was crying at my friend's memorial I was also crying for myself I must admit.
I know her moving out is for the best. I can't take it anymore and she can't either. The kid also needs to be in an environment free from arguing and strife. It will be better for everyone. Yet I will miss her, the her in her good times and good moods. I will miss her getting ready for work in the morning or coming home. I will miss her singing in the shower. I will miss watching TV with her and night and when things were good, the closeness and intimacy. And that hurts. We are going to be living apart but "seeing where the relationship goes" which, for both of us, is the unknown. I can't say as I have tremendous hope. So much destruction and lack of respect and typical of the BPD, she sees it as MOSTLY my fault.
We talked last night about some deep feelings. She said that it never felt like a marriage to her once we started living together. She said I wasn't attentive enough to her. But she was full of rage and emotionally abusive and I couldn't cope. Of course she declines that she was but she was. A few months after they moved in I reached out to some close friends via emails. They were meant to be private. I was kind of "venting" and I really didn't hold much back. I was in a desperate state and just needed some validation that I was "okay". I was starting to lose touch with myself, with reality and the up and down of her rages were weakening me. Anyway, she hacked into my cell phone and read the emails. SINCE THEN, she says, she has never felt the same and has loved me less. That was two years ago.
She said that I gave her a "rope" ( like a life line I guess) when I suggested that maybe we couldn't live together anymore due to diametrically opposed views of parenting, among other things. But in the past she would say that she wanted out or wanted a divorce just to ESCALATE an argument or maybe even use it as a shut down to me. In a fair "fight", so to speak, you match a knife with a knife; in our case, I pulled out a knife and she pulled out a bazooka. Metaphorically of course. So she would use the "divorce" word to control me. I never knew what was really going on. Eventually I believed that she DID NOT want a divorce. Now, apparently, she was looking for a way out; although just a few days ago she insisted that I WAS FORCING HER OUT, i.e. it was only I that thought we should live separate.
It just is so ... .weird... .surreal. This is going to happen. Her moving out. After all it took to get us together in one place, endless trips to the UK to visit her and then going through the spousal visa process to bring her to the US ( and her kid). UGH. All that money. All that suffering.
What a mess. What an effing mess.
So it hurts. I am hurting. I try to stay grounded in the reality of the situation and even focus on the bad times if needed to center myself. Yet dwelling on the negative has its side effects too so oftentimes I try to concentrate on how great it will be to not have to fight all the time, to have peace and tranquility in my home.
This weekend the upside is not winning over the downside. And I am sad and feeling a great sense of loss.
Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks.

[CooperD]

Hi Michel,

Sorry you have had such a tough weekend friend.  I feel exactly the same - missing the good moments / imagining being sat watching TV together / falling alseep together.  I know and accept what the reality is and was like you but the pain is so overwhelming.

As we have previously discussed our stories are so so similar (including the bit you mentioned about your email/phone being hacked into). I had also referred to my BPD as crazy to a work colleague which she then read.  I had referred to her as crazy after she had stolen my phone and then emailed my work colleague pretending to be me and telling my work colleague she was a 'b___' ! Which was crazy behaviour.

The only thing I can say to you which is what i'm trying and struggling to do is to prepare yourself for what comes next and then how you can make the next part of your life happy.

I am preparing myself for the pain of an email/letter with my divorce papers.
I am preparing myself for the pain of christmas and new year (we were together the last two).

I am preparing myself to be happy for the future by

- Exercising like crazy to get my body and physical health back
- Actively looking for a band to play in again (my BPD loved that I played guitar but didnt want me to play in a band because I would only have to drop my pants to cheat on her !)
- Completing the MSc that i've been  doing part-time
- Organising more events with my friends

Could an approach like that work for you just to try to shift your mind from her ?

[Mutt]

Hi Michel71,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate, this is a tough stretch. Take it one day at a time.

am preparing myself to be happy for the future by

- Exercising like crazy to get my body and physical health back
- Actively looking for a band to play in again (my BPD loved that I played guitar but didnt want me to play in a band because I would only have to drop my pants to cheat on her !)
- Completing the MSc that i've been  doing part-time
- Organising more events with my friends 

I agree with this. What do you do for self care Michel71?

[michel71]

Thanks CooperD and Mutt for your replies. I keep myself pretty busy doing things that are really rewarding like volunteering for a local organization that raises guide dogs for the blind and tutoring high school kids in Spanish. That is in addition to my day job of course. I have been seeing a lot of my friends. I am lucky enough to have several close friends who have stood by me and watched the carnage. It is their pleasure ( as they put it) to help me get back to the Michel that I once was.
I am not in the frame of mind to work out. I don't know what it will take to get me there. I know I should and it releases great endorphins. Any suggestions for how I can get motivated? My body just feels so sluggish. My brain wants to stay very active. My body craves rest. Kinda strange, no?

[Mutt]

It's tough going to the gym when you feel drained. Start with 20 minutes of cardio?