Insight please...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello-

I am trying to seek some guidance in dealing with my mother whom I believe to have borderline personality disorder. She experiences intense feelings of abandonment, unstable relationships with family members, elevated feelings of superiority mixed with intense feelings of unworthiness and despair, and mood swings on the flip of a coin. She is an 'all or nothing' kind of person and expects all of us to drop everything when she 'needs' something- which is fairly frequent. I am an adult but have two younger siblings that are trying to figure this out. She has not been formally diagnosed and does not last long with any counselor. She claims her last counselor was a witch that was plotting behind her. She talks about killing herself like she is discussing baking a cake- to the point in which no one takes her seriously anymore. What makes things more complicated is that she also has many legitimate physical medical problems mixed in with other medical issues that may or may not really be an issue. So confusing.

I am hoping to get some guidance in how to talk with my mother when she is acting out and yelling about things that make her upset without creating more drama. I also need some guidance in how to handle the hurtful things she says to me and about me to other family members. My other family members have isolated themselves from her and do not really know that I do not do the things she accuses me of. My little brother, he is in high school, lives at home and deals with the immediate ramifications of any discord with my mother. I feel very guilty when I, out of anger or frustration, make any responses that usually are held against me and my brother deals with the brunt of my mother's anger and rage.

A lot of info... .I apologize for ranting. Just hoping for some feedback. Maybe I have latched onto a diagnosis of BPD without reason. If so, I would like to know that too. I just want to help my siblings and myself develop boundaries without closing off communication with my mother. I love her and want to help but find myself not talking to her or wanting to help her because of the potential ramifications. I have children at home too, so I feel that I have limited emotional energy to exert  on dealing with these situations.

Thanks for listening (reading) and have a great day

mas 87

[mas87]

Hello-

I am trying to seek some guidance in dealing with my mother whom I believe to have borderline personality disorder. She experiences intense feelings of abandonment, unstable relationships with family members, elevated feelings of superiority mixed with intense feelings of unworthiness and despair, and mood swings on the flip of a coin. She is an 'all or nothing' kind of person and expects all of us to drop everything when she 'needs' something- which is fairly frequent. I am an adult but have two younger siblings that are trying to figure this out. She has not been formally diagnosed and does not last long with any counselor. She claims her last counselor was a witch that was plotting behind her. She talks about killing herself like she is discussing baking a cake- to the point in which no one takes her seriously anymore. What makes things more complicated is that she also has many legitimate physical medical problems mixed in with other medical issues that may or may not really be an issue. So confusing.

I am hoping to get some guidance in how to talk with my mother when she is acting out and yelling about things that make her upset without creating more drama. I also need some guidance in how to handle the hurtful things she says to me and about me to other family members. My other family members have isolated themselves from her and do not really know that I do not do the things she accuses me of. My little brother, he is in high school, lives at home and deals with the immediate ramifications of any discord with my mother. I feel very guilty when I, out of anger or frustration, make any responses that usually are held against me and my brother deals with the brunt of my mother's anger and rage.

A lot of info... .I apologize for ranting. Just hoping for some feedback. Maybe I have latched onto a diagnosis of BPD without reason. If so, I would like to know that too. I just want to help my siblings and myself develop boundaries without closing off communication with my mother. I love her and want to help but find myself not talking to her or wanting to help her because of the potential ramifications. I have children at home too, so I feel that I have limited emotional energy to exert  on dealing with these situations.

Thanks for listening (reading) and have a great day

mas 87

[drained1996]

 

Welcome to the family mas87. I understand your circumstances as I too am dealing with a difficult mother situation.  Whether diagnosed BPD or not, if there are some strong traits showing, there is much here that can help.  First, look to the right of this page and you will find some lessons and other info that may be useful to you.  Second, at the top of the page, click on TOOLS, there  you will find some helpful hints to help the communication become smoother for you.  You cannot change her, but you can change how you react/communicate when she is not regulated. 
I think you will find that educating yourself and learning to deal with her issues and understanding them will be of great help to YOU. 
Be patient with yourself during this process and have plenty of self compassion... .what you are dealing with is not easy!  I learned that the more I shared here, the more I got in return, so feel free to post and even start other threads with questions or thoughts.  You are not alone in what you are dealing with and going through.  You have found the right place.   

[Jules-1001]

Wow, I mean this in a heart-felt, kind way when I say thank you for sharing your story.  I just discovered this site and truly feel like I can relate and I completely understand where you are coming from.  I personally felt slight guilt or confused about labelling my mom with BPD, however, regardless of if she truly has it, I feel that the tools here and the supportive community will help me.  It has been relieving to read your story and hear that someone else feels the sam way that I do with their mothers. Guilt is a major thing I have learned to move through in my life.  Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life" really helped me with that.  However, I am in the same boat of wanting to learn how to move forward in the relationship with her. 

I also am sending a lot of care towards your brother.  When I was in high school, I always had a bag packed with over-night stuff and clothes for the next day in case she would have a freak out which would never stop.  But I truly look at the experience as a blessing now and am so much stronger for it.

Blessings,

Jules

[mas87]

Thank you both for your thoughts and care regarding my mother and my brother. I did take a look at the tools to the right and found them to be really helpful. My problem is that I think I have a good way to handle a situation but when in the moment forget everything that I practiced. This seems like a situation where practice makes perfect. I think you both bring up a really helpful perspective about whether it really matters what the diagnosis is. Despite the diagnosis, I still need to figure out how to communicate with my mother in a safe manner for me and a healing, validating manner for her.

Jules- I really appreciate your concern for my brother.I feel very protective of my brother and want him to know that he is doing so well and means so much to my sister and I. I want him to know that he is truly loved, despite what my mother says. I tell him that but the negativity and false accusations/ altering of the truth impacts us all much more than we want it to. I sometimes feel that it would be easier if my mother was consistently out of control and reactionary because I would know what to expect. She goes through really loving times too. It is tough for all of us to go to not know what mood she will be in.

Lately, she has been telling my father (who works and lives out of the country) untrue things about me in particular because I have chosen to leave the Catholic faith and pursue my own spiritual journey with my husband and children. When my father confronted me about my spirituality, blamed me for my mother's vast medical problems, and told me that I am going to Hell, I just listened and figured that every minute he spent saying those things to me was one less minute my brother and sister would have to listen to it. After he bragged to my mom about it (she scolds him for not giving us enough criticism and tells him he is not being a good father), she then acted like she had never heard anything so awful and had him apologize to my sister and I. We all know that she told him those things during one of her angry rants but maybe she didn't mean it. We see our father twice a year, so he really has no clue what is really happening. My husband and I are independent of our families, have successful and rewarding professions, and take great care of our two children. So- it is not my impression that we are 'selfish', 'superficial', and 'grounded' people that want her to kill herself and 'take all of the money.' The latest accusation is that I am trying to talk her into assisted suicide and claim her finances. Ha! Does she not hear herself when she talks to me? She talks about killing herself in half of our conversations while I tell her I love her and don't want her to do that! Her money? What money? Take me out of the will and see if I care... .I will throw a party! If I am out of her will, she cannot hold a thing over my head. I understand that I am coming from a really angry place. I feel really guilty writing this because both my father and mother just apologized to me. I just know that it will happen again, probably within the next month, just like it always has. That is where I am coming from.

For me, it is so tough dealing with that constant battle between my mother's 'one extreme to the other extreme' mentality.

There are things that my mom is great with too when she is stable. This can last for months or days, no one ever really knows. I try to remember those things but lately struggle with that.

Now that I have thoroughly ranted, what has helped the two of you deal with your BPD parents? What are your stories?

Thanks for listening and for your concern. It really means a lot.

mas87

[drained1996]

This seems like a situation where practice makes perfect.

For sure, remember, we're reacting to a lifetime of things that have built up within us.  When my mother gets out of sorts is when I need to remain the most calm, keeping my perspective is a difficult thing at times.  But the more we practice something the better we get.  

I feel really guilty writing this because both my father and mother just apologized to me.

Both of you parents had to apologize for some very untowardly conversations they had with you.  Why do you feel guilt?  Especially given that these types of things do not seem to be isolated incidents within your family dynamic.  Whether you understand it or not, there is a good chance you've suffered mental and emotional abuse from what you've shared, and it's gone on for a long time it seems.  Learning to put ME first and setting some boundaries has helped me in my own situation.  Some boundaries I have expressed to my mother such as "mother, if you speak to me and treat me as if I am still a child I am going to point that out once, if it continues in that conversation/situation I'll point out that it has happened again and that particular conversation will be over at that time."  (mind you I'm 44)
Boundaries are our way of having some self protection, so setting them and doing our best to maintain them is looking out after ourselves.  
I also go see a therapist which I have found of great help, it's kind of like having a fishing captain take you fishing, you'll typically have much more success with some professional guidance!  
Keep posting!