I am only just realizing

[Our abuse recovery guide]

After years of my mother emotionally abusing my entire family, including regular fits of rage for the slightest perceived disagreement, and listening to her compulsively lie about practically everything from the tiniest of things in order to present herself in as "best light" as possible, I am finally realizing my mother has traits of BPD.  I severed almost all contact after her last fit of rage Christmas last year and finally decided to not go home for Christmas this year since I often am extremely anxious leading up to the visits, during the visits, and after visits.  I even get anxious thinking about her.  She regularly screams to my siblings about what a terrible, disrespectful daughter I am since I'm the only one who has chosen to sever most ties.  What's hardest, however, is I miss my father terribly.  He has always accommodated her behavior and I know he's mad at me too (maybe for making her rage against him about me or maybe he too thinks I'm being disrespectful - I'm not sure as he isn't the easiest to talk to about serious things).  He's a good person and I enjoy his company otherwise.  I'm so torn about what to do.  I want nothing to do with my mother but I want a relationship with my father and my siblings.  I guess in my ideal world, I could be around my mother even when she is raging and not feel anxious.  In addition, my goal is that thoughts of her wouldn't result in an anxiety response either.

I already feel better knowing she has traits of a possible condition instead of me just thinking (simplistically) she's a terrible, selfish person.  I look forward to sharing with this community and learning from you and your experiences.

[QWERTY4321]

After years of my mother emotionally abusing my entire family, including regular fits of rage for the slightest perceived disagreement, and listening to her compulsively lie about practically everything from the tiniest of things in order to present herself in as "best light" as possible, I am finally realizing my mother has traits of BPD.  I severed almost all contact after her last fit of rage Christmas last year and finally decided to not go home for Christmas this year since I often am extremely anxious leading up to the visits, during the visits, and after visits.  I even get anxious thinking about her.  She regularly screams to my siblings about what a terrible, disrespectful daughter I am since I'm the only one who has chosen to sever most ties.  What's hardest, however, is I miss my father terribly.  He has always accommodated her behavior and I know he's mad at me too (maybe for making her rage against him about me or maybe he too thinks I'm being disrespectful - I'm not sure as he isn't the easiest to talk to about serious things).  He's a good person and I enjoy his company otherwise.  I'm so torn about what to do.  I want nothing to do with my mother but I want a relationship with my father and my siblings.  I guess in my ideal world, I could be around my mother even when she is raging and not feel anxious.  In addition, my goal is that thoughts of her wouldn't result in an anxiety response either.

I already feel better knowing she has traits of a possible condition instead of me just thinking (simplistically) she's a terrible, selfish person.  I look forward to sharing with this community and learning from you and your experiences.

[drained1996]

 

Welcome to the family qwerty!  I can so relate to your situation as I too have had some of the same circumstances.  I also see your quandary about your relationship with your father... .
Do you think you could learn to cope with your mother from YOUR end a little better with some education and tools from here?  We all know you cannot change her, thus, we may learn to change ourselves and how we react/communicate when faced with their issues. 
First, there are some lessons and additional helpful information found on the right side of this page.  Also, at the top of the page you will find a section labeled tools... .many useful suggestions that may help you better cope with mom... .so you can share some love with your dad. 
I've learned in my experience that the more I shared here, the more I got in return... .and just the sharing was very therapeutic.  We are here anytime! 

[QWERTY4321]

Thanks!  I've been checking out the resources and my hope is just how you described it:  that I can get the tools I need to effectively deal with my mom while having a healthier relationship with the rest of my family.

[drained1996]

Good to see you reply Qwerty, the tools here can help, and so can the members.  The more you share about the issues and questions you face, the more helpful feedback you will get in my experience here. 
I've been in your exact shoes, with a father who enabled my mother's actions... .also like yours... .tough to have a real conversation with.  Have you thought about breaking the ice on that subject?  I know from personal experience how difficult that may seem... .and really is... .
Have you thought of seeking a therapist who can give some professional guidance in this twisted dance?
Keep posting your thoughts and questions!  We are here!