Help getting clear about commitment

[Philingood2]

I've been taking time to get acclimated to the site, reading lots of posts and resources. Information overload! It's been refreshing to find this community though. Anyway, in doing so, I noticed myself drifting between wanting to "Improve" the relationship and "Conflicted" about staying at all. While I consciously decided to stay in the marriage with my uBPDw after our relationship really tanked, I'm realizing that things were such a mess that I really wasn't completely clear (with myself or her) about what I was actually willing to commit to. At the time, we were trying to heal the marriage from her affair and all the other dysfunction we had been battling for years, so "staying" was sort of catch all for not getting a divorce and trying to "work on the relationship" - whatever that means. I was very much still in denial about the severity of her illness, and in a lot of ways still blaming myself for many of the breakdowns in the relationship.

Now that I'm beginning to see things more clearly (and accept things for what they are), I'm realizing what it really means to commit to a partner with BPD. It obviously takes a lot and shouldn't be trivialized. I'm still not sure if I can commit to being a permanent Emotional Caretaker. What I do know is I am willing to do everything in my power to not contribute to the dysfunctional spirals and being as supportive as I can (while respecting my own limits). For starters, I think I'm going to get clear about my boundaries, which apparently isn't merely drawing lines in the sand and telling my wife what will happen if she crosses the line (this hasn't been very helpful LOL), trying out SET, and getting better at validation. These all seem like reasonable steps that I can and need to take, regardless of the BPD dynamics.

One concern that I have is that I already know that my wife and I have very different core values. I didn't know this when we got married because she was great at mirroring. One example is Mutuality in the relationship. This is one of my core values, and one of the reasons why a lot of the BPD stuff bugs me as much as it does. I firmly believe marriage should be give and take, while not always 50/50, I do think there should be effort toward reciprocity. Any ideas about how to repair the damage of failing to honor your values/set appropriate boundaries while in a rs with pwBPD after failing to do so for so long? Maybe this is just FOG kicking in, but I can actually see why my wife would flip out when I start actually setting and enforcing boundaries after essentially reinforcing the opposite for so many years. Also, the idea of committing to this forever is overwhelming. Would it be possible to make small commitments, without really just fooling myself into staying "on the fence" about the relationship?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[teapay]

Having similar core values is an important glue to holding r/s together and making it satisfying.  Without that it is an uphill road, especially without compromise and tolerance.  Other than shared core values, what else would be holding the r/s together?  Kids, financial consideration, fear, obligation, guilt, love for your spouse, religious beliefs.

[Notwendy]

I think the distinction between the categories is about support for the decision a person arrives at. So the improving section is where members support the decision to stay and work on improving the relationship. Conflicted section is exactly that- for members who are not sure of their decision.

In staying and improving, the decision is to work on that direction. However, it doesn't guarantee that the relationship will last. For one, the other person- the spouse- has choices, and so does the poster.

I think it is erroneous to think that if one works on improving the relationship- and it doesn't work out- that the effort is wasted. I think gaining insight to ourselves and learning better communication skills are improvements we get to keep - for us, and they can helps us in many different kinds of relationships. In addition, if there is a divorce or custody of children involved, then better communication skills help with that as well.

Although I don't think it is helpful to be undecided for a long time ( so as not to be stuck) if one is conflicted, then that is where one is at. Some posters may start in conflicted and move into improving or detaching. Others may start in improving and either stay or move to another one. The sections are not meant to restrict the poster's own personal choices- people always have choices, but to center the focus and provide support for each decision.

The decision to stay or leave is a very personal one, and so the categories are designed to support the person's decision and not challenge him/her to make another one. I would say to choose to post in the section that you feel you are best supported in. Sometimes, if the moderators feel a poster is better suited to another section, the posts will be moved.

[Philingood2]

Having similar core values is an important glue to holding r/s together and making it satisfying.  Without that it is an uphill road, especially without compromise and tolerance.  Other than shared core values, what else would be holding the r/s together?  Kids, financial consideration, fear, obligation, guilt, love for your spouse, religious beliefs.

That's a tough question. I think my own religious beliefs, stubbornness to give up on what could be, love for my wife, not wanting my children to have to deal with an unnecessary divorce, not wanting to have to deal with the financial burdens of a divorce, feeling obligated to at least try to do a better job with my part (especially given the wealth of knowledge that I've recently been exposed to learning more about BPD) before bailing on the relationship. And I'm sure I could think of many more. Another big one is the fact that I feel as if I'm actually only just beginning to deal with the issues with some insight and clarity and I guess it's worth it to me to see how it goes. Before I realized what the patterns were and why they were, I just felt burned out and overwhelmed. I was ready to throw in the towel. Now I am at least committed to giving it more time to see if all these recent revelations and new skills will make a difference.