uBPD Mom and Thanksgiving Plans

[Starbuck09]

Hi all -

I've posted a few months ago regarding my situation. In a nutshell, I have a uBPD mother who also has terminal cancer, and she also lives in a different state so I don't see her often.  Perhaps as many of you have experienced with your family members with this condition, my visits with my mom are almost always very up and down, corresponding to whatever her emotional state is at the time (it changes rapidly and daily, she can be happy/manic one minute, depressed the next, and raging the next, with what seems like no external cause). We walk on eggshells around her and exist basically trying to do all we can to not say or do anything that will set her off.

I had made tentative plans to spend Thanksgiving with her, as I know given her illness, this could be the last for us.  However, she was recently on social media posting to all of her friends (and our family) about how she's dying and "no one cares" and "no one" has ever loved her.  She says this even though my spouse and I took her in for 3 months, providing for all her monetary and health care needs (cooking for her, taking time off work to take her to medical appointments), until she ultimately left my house while in the midst of an impulsive rage.

So, I'm canceling my plans to visit her and am now struggling with guilt. 

The thing is, our visits rarely end well and I really don't want to spend my limited time off of work being miserable in her presence (which I always am, because our visits are 100% about her - her complaints, her life, her misery). I should add that my spouse and I are expecting a baby, and I also don't think the stress of being around my mother is good for us right now, and I really want to prioritize building a healthy, functional family.

Anyway, my thoughts are with all who have difficult family situations during Thanksgiving. 

[Notwendy]

Hi Starbuck,

Congratulations on the baby! And first I want to support your decision about protecting your health and your sanity during this both wonderful ( a baby) and difficult time.

I will also share some "if I only knew then what I know now" ideas about coping with your situation. It was my father who was seriously ill and BPD mother's behavior was exacerbated like you mother's is.

A model that I wish I understood better at the time was the drama triangle. I too have made efforts over the years to be kind and caring to my parents, but my mother's constant "victim" perspective could not acknowledge that. My father's role was mostly as rescuer, so if my mother put me in "persecutor" position, he would join in to defend her.

It is very frustrating to be painted black no matter what. But if and when we react, we also have to self check to see if we are acting in our own best interest, or reacting to their behavior and joining them on the drama triangle. When I look back at how hurt and reactive I was at the time, I see where I was just playing right into the roles on the triangle. If I reacted emotionally to their behavior, I was on the triangle right with them.

The goal of being authentic to yourself is to not react to their behavior emotionally. They are who they are, and their reality is based on them, not you. If you feel you wish to see your mother and be helpful, then this is your reality no matter how she sees it or what she posts on the internet. Likewise, if you choose to have a quiet and peaceful Thanksgiving with just your H, then this is the right choice for you no matter what she feels or says. The bottom line- when your actions come from your own truth, and you honor that, they are the right choice for you.

[Starbuck09]

Thank you, Notwendy, I appreciate your response!

"The goal of being authentic to yourself is to not react to their behavior emotionally. They are who they are, and their reality is based on them, not you. If you feel you wish to see your mother and be helpful, then this is your reality no matter how she sees it or what she posts on the internet."

I last saw my therapist several months ago and he said a very similar thing about how many people with BPD operate in their own reality and moral system.  With my mom in particular, every situation, ever conversation is a test. The test is ":)o you really love me?" And, I've learned over the years, it's a test that I, and no one, can ever win with her, because nothing we say or do will convince her that we actually love her and care about her.

So, I have to honor my reality that it's really hurtful and difficult spend time with her and constantly tip-toe around the eggshells (the thought of being on "her turf" for 3 days, isolated out in the country, ugh, panic attack city).